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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I can’t figure out who is right here.

321 replies

iamamickey · 28/08/2025 16:03

I have a daughter age 23. She is in final year University. She has a car which she needs to help her when she is on placement. She has a part time job in hospitality but is only about 8 hours per week and she gets basic loan from uni funding.

The car has developed a fault. Probably something to do with breaks need changed. Husband is adamant we don’t pay for Any of it and thinks I shouldn’t even organise to have it looked at. He thinks I should at most tell her where to go and let her do the rest. He said this is Real world stuff and I need to stop
babysitting her.

I think she will get ripped off if she goes alone. I feel like I might need to hep
out with the price too.

can anyone let me know how it works out with their kids please. Let me get some perspective? AIBU for wantimg
to help?

OP posts:
Stripperyone · 28/08/2025 19:29

I'm 43 with two degrees and still my Mum will help me in any way she can (I wouldn't ask her to unless it was something I know she knows more about or I desperately needed it)! I think your DH is wrong. Guide her at least.

Holidaytimeyay · 28/08/2025 19:34

I would definitely help my DC and do. One of my DC’s is older that your DD and I would help them. They do struggle with things like this anyway due to anxiety/MH. All my other children are younger but would need help due to SN.
I would always help my children if I was able to.
I was not at all surprised to hear that he was her stepdad.

MissHollysDolly · 28/08/2025 19:37

You can support her by giving her good advice - get three quotes, ask each to break down what’s wrong and what needs fixing.

user1492809438 · 28/08/2025 19:42

What a spiteful man. He's not worth the name father, help her if you can.

CopperWhite · 28/08/2025 19:50

Your husband is a nasty bastard and I feel sorry for your daughter that you think there’s a possibility she might be in the wrong for wanting a bit of support to navigate car issues for the first time?

What actual harm does your H think helping her is going to do? He knows there’s nothing wrong with it and would probably happily help many other women if they had car trouble, but when it comes to your child he acts like a jealous toddler. Why might that be? Why would you let a man be like that towards the most precious people in your life?

Overtop · 28/08/2025 20:02

She's 23. Not a child, not a teenager. I struggle to see why the expectation first and foremost shouldn't be for her to take responsibility.

I absolutely understand about getting ripped off, so I think your DH could go with her - but she should find the garage and make the appointment. She should also get a rough idea of cost and talk with you both if she needs help with that. Not just expect that you'll take care of it all.

Agernonthingy · 28/08/2025 20:12

Overtop · 28/08/2025 20:02

She's 23. Not a child, not a teenager. I struggle to see why the expectation first and foremost shouldn't be for her to take responsibility.

I absolutely understand about getting ripped off, so I think your DH could go with her - but she should find the garage and make the appointment. She should also get a rough idea of cost and talk with you both if she needs help with that. Not just expect that you'll take care of it all.

I still help out my adult children. They look out for me too.

saraclara · 28/08/2025 20:12

As she's 23, unless you have an excellent garage to recommend to her, I'd give her advice on how to find a reliable place, then leave her to research it. And I'd expect her to take her own car there and do her own talking with the mechanic.

But when she drops the car off/picks it up again I'd give her a lift, just as my adult kids would offer to do for me. And yes, I'd help her out with the cost.

But yes, she should be doing her share of the housework at 23. My daughter shopped, cooked, did her own washing (and asked if I had anything to add) and cleared up after herself and sometimes me, when she lived with me at that age.

So yes, there's compromise to be had here. Support her in learning to adult and be independent, but be her financial cushion when needed. And she needs to do more.

Zempy · 28/08/2025 20:20

He’s a bit of a shit isn’t he? Back your daughter.

TwistedWonder · 28/08/2025 20:27

What a lucky daughter you have that you chose such a supportive and caring man to bring into her life - he sounds an absolute prince amongst men.

Why does he get to dictate to you how you help your own daughter? Who died and put him in charge?

LoveWine123 · 28/08/2025 20:42

This is what families are for. Of course you should help her!

ExtraOnions · 28/08/2025 21:00

If she had a terrible accident due to her brakes, would you be thinking “I’m pleased I left her to learn those life lessons” or “I should have helped her get them fixed” ?

Whichever is your answer, that’s what you do.

Overtop · 28/08/2025 21:01

Agernonthingy · 28/08/2025 20:12

I still help out my adult children. They look out for me too.

Show quote history

Help her, yes - but she should be taking the lead. It's crazy that that's not the default expectation for all concerned - many people are suggesting that of course she shouldn't have to sort it or pay for it.

CarpetKnees · 28/08/2025 22:02

Agernonthingy · 28/08/2025 20:12

I still help out my adult children. They look out for me too.

Show quote history

I help my adult dc too, and they me.

However, my idea of helping my dc has always been to help them improve their skills / knowledge / confidence / independence / etc. Doing the stuff for them is infantilising them not helping them.

saraclara · 28/08/2025 22:15

CarpetKnees · 28/08/2025 22:02

I help my adult dc too, and they me.

However, my idea of helping my dc has always been to help them improve their skills / knowledge / confidence / independence / etc. Doing the stuff for them is infantilising them not helping them.

Show quote history

Exactly. Jeeze, at 22 I'd moved an hour and a half away from my parents, ran my own car, paid my own bills, and by 23 was applying for a mortgage. All without their presence or help!

I've encouraged independence in my kids since they were toddlers. As soon as they appeared ready to do something by themselves, I positively encouraged it, and continued to give them those opportunities for all long as they lived with me.

They ask my advice occasionally, and I do help them out financially because I'm a boomer and and life is a lot tougher for them, so they got a bit of help with deposits and nursery costs. But they don't expect it, are otherwise independent, always protest a little and check that I'll still be okay for money, and they help me in various ways.

AllyCart · 28/08/2025 22:22

@saraclara

Completely agree with all of this. It's exactly how we are with our DD.

There's a real theme on MN with infantilising offspring. Parents taking on any issue that comes along in their lives is doing them no favours in terms of learning about the world and developing a level of resilience.

hideawayforever · 28/08/2025 22:25

If she hasn't got a clue, then book her car in for her, I would also pay for it to be fixed as she's hardly earning and is in uni, but in future she can then book it in herself as she then knows what to do. Once she starts full time work she can pay herself.

Frankenpug23 · 28/08/2025 22:38

Absolutely pay for the brakes - its a safety issue, I cannot believe he thinks its okay to leave her with something so vital thats faulty!!

I wouldn’t be having this and would pay anyway whether he agreed or not!

sarah419 · 28/08/2025 22:45

yes the world is a hard place so that’s exactly why parents need to be the extra support for their children regardless of their age!! i can’t believe your husband can be so harsh! so now it’s the world AND your parents against you just because she’s a young adult? i’m 40 and i still call my mum and ask advice / help when i know she can offer it.

saraclara · 28/08/2025 22:47

hideawayforever · 28/08/2025 22:25

If she hasn't got a clue, then book her car in for her, I would also pay for it to be fixed as she's hardly earning and is in uni, but in future she can then book it in herself as she then knows what to do. Once she starts full time work she can pay herself.

No. If she hasn't got a clue, talk to her about how she goes about it, then send her off to sort it herself.

No-one learns how to do something by having their parent do it for them. FFS, she's 23!

NorthernMam20 · 28/08/2025 22:47

Not surprised he’s the step dad with that attitude, if she was his own he would help I imagine. While 23 is an adult, she’s studying and working. He should butt out, you’re her mother, if you want to help her, do it. I certainly would for my daughter without someone else’s permission. She could pay half or pay you back over time if that helps, but brakes are important to have fixed!

Shesellsseashellsunluckyshespoor · 28/08/2025 22:48

Your daughter should take priority over your DH always

Creamteasandbumblebees · 28/08/2025 22:48

I read somewhere that at age 20, you are only a 2 year old adult, meaning that young people in their early 20's are young adults, of course they still need help and guidance, how ever will they learn to be independent adults if they aren't taught?
If you can help financially then do, if you can help practically then do, why on earth wouldnt you help and support your own child?

PoppySaidYesIKnow · 28/08/2025 22:50

He sounds delightful - not. Of course help her if you can afford to, tell him she’s your daughter and she needs your support and you’re providing it.

KeenGreen · 28/08/2025 22:53

I haven’t read all replies so forgive me if this is a repeat.

Presumably she is getting minimum student loan because of your household income.

The loans system assumes that parents income will supplement student living expenses and so deducts loan amounts accordingly as part of the means testing.

A degree that involves travel to placements, such as nursing, teaching, etc are often very intense and mean that there is less time to be able to have a part time job, juggle placement and study time. Guessing the degree is something along these lines.

Therefore the expectation rightly on wrongly within the system, is that parents will help with expenses.

But all that aside if you can afford to help then why wouldn’t you? I think it’s very stingy for step dad to be so mean on this one.
Expectations of doing things around the house can be addressed separately or better family communication about what the contribution should look like.

But this isn’t a young person trying to fund some kind of extravagant lifestyle or holiday or partying or something. This is a young person who needs help with essential travel for study.

In short - if your family can help fund it they should!
In terms of finding a garage to go, show her take her along so she can learn through the experience of it.

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