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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I can’t figure out who is right here.

321 replies

iamamickey · 28/08/2025 16:03

I have a daughter age 23. She is in final year University. She has a car which she needs to help her when she is on placement. She has a part time job in hospitality but is only about 8 hours per week and she gets basic loan from uni funding.

The car has developed a fault. Probably something to do with breaks need changed. Husband is adamant we don’t pay for Any of it and thinks I shouldn’t even organise to have it looked at. He thinks I should at most tell her where to go and let her do the rest. He said this is Real world stuff and I need to stop
babysitting her.

I think she will get ripped off if she goes alone. I feel like I might need to hep
out with the price too.

can anyone let me know how it works out with their kids please. Let me get some perspective? AIBU for wantimg
to help?

OP posts:
MyGreyStork · 28/08/2025 17:45

thepariscrimefiles · 28/08/2025 17:34

If she is on a university course that has placements, it's like having a full-time job. She then also has a part-time job for 8 hours, I presume at the weekend. Her mum is right to want to help her keep her car on the road, otherwise she can't get to her placements.

Her step-father is mean and petty to try and prevent OP from helping her daughter.

Show quote history

I did a placement at uni and worked more than 8 hours, you make it work like every other student who has placement. Also lots of students get by without the bank of mummy and daddy. She’s 23, why hasn’t she worked full time in the holidays to save up money for emergencies? All I’m seeing is excuses.

ThrivingIn2025ing · 28/08/2025 17:46

Husband is her step father
How depressingly predictable.

Unless she has a history of pissing money up the wall, yes, I would help her. I will always do my best to help my children regardless of their age or where they are living. I don’t really understand anyone who wouldn’t.

Chompingatthebeat · 28/08/2025 17:47

Tell him to do one

irregularegular · 28/08/2025 17:47

Financially, if she is only getting the minimum loan then there is an expectation that the parents should top it up.

Practically, there is nothing wrong with getting her a bit of help sorting it out, preferably in a way that will make her feel more confident to do it herself next time, rather than completely taking over.

whistlesandbells · 28/08/2025 17:48

It’s the brakes on her car. As a parent I would pay for it. Perhaps I would think flexibly: could it be a birthday gift or Xmas present? Ultimately it is her car so she needs to be responsible for it, but it would be fixed.

On this matter I don’t think your husband has a say as she is a member of your household who cannot drive around in an unsafe vehicle.

You or your DH could take her to the garage to help her and show her how to do these things independently. It would be a nice thing to do.

Bettertimesahead101 · 28/08/2025 17:51

We were in the same situation last week - £3000 car repair bill out of nowhere. We sat and discussed it and agreed that we would split it three ways - me, DH and DS. At every stage, we gave options to our DS about repair options and how to understand them so that - next time - he will feel able to organise them himself. We also said that he needs to be prepared to save more from his part time job (he is also at uni) so that he can pay for these sorts of emergencies and not just spend all his money. So, we take the stress out of it on this occasion but we prepare him for the future.

Reanimated · 28/08/2025 17:52

Isn't she dragging her heels a bit if she's only going into her final year at 23?

Bananaandmangosmoothie · 28/08/2025 17:55

If that were his own daughter, he would 100% be behaving differently.

MyGreyStork · 28/08/2025 17:55

Reanimated · 28/08/2025 17:52

Isn't she dragging her heels a bit if she's only going into her final year at 23?

Yup. No mention if she pays rent either but safe to assume no and doesn’t help around the house unless asked… sounds like a teenager not someone nearly 24.

Steph341 · 28/08/2025 17:59

Her step father sounds like a knob. I bet he'd be willing to help his own daughter.

I always feel for these kids, living with people they're not related to who they get stuck with and who don't really give a shit about them.

Steph341 · 28/08/2025 18:01

MyGreyStork · 28/08/2025 17:55

Yup. No mention if she pays rent either but safe to assume no and doesn’t help around the house unless asked… sounds like a teenager not someone nearly 24.

Show quote history

For all you know she might be doing medicine at uni and have a 5 year course. Honestly some people are so rude and ignorant.

goldtrap · 28/08/2025 18:04

He thinks I should at most tell her where to go and let her do the rest. He said this is Real world stuff and I need to stop
babysitting her.

He has a lot of opinions about someone who isn't actually his daughter.

Meanwhile, in the Real World, families help each other out.

Weekmindedfool · 28/08/2025 18:04

iamamickey · 28/08/2025 16:35

Husband is her step father. Their relationship is a bit strained at the moment. She’s moved back home as uni residential prices have gone through the roof here. So we helped her buy the car and paid for insurance. He feels she doesn’t do enough in the house but he doesn’t see what she does do. She’s not great at doing housework but will do it no problem if asked. She is great at helping me with her siblings. She’s a good support to me.

He feels she should be paying for the brakes and organising the fix for herself. She hasn’t a clue where to begin and I know until her loan comes in she’s broke.

I would imagine DH view on her contributions to the house are a bit different to OPs. Does she pay rent? Cook? Cleaning - apparently only when asked. To play devils advocate I imagine he might be getting tired of paying for another adult…
Even so, a reasonable approach would be to advise her on what she needs to do to get it fixed but let her take the lead. Then discuss costs and see if there is a way for her to cover some or all via future re-payments.

titchy · 28/08/2025 18:06

SpiralSpiritSocks · 28/08/2025 17:34

My stance would be that we would fund the repair but expect either of our kids to organise getting it looked at by a garage and getting a quote for a repair.

At 23 she should really be able to manage that.

This. Why can’t she phone up local garages?

Why is she on minimum loan? Presumably because of your income in which case why aren’t you topping up to the expected amount?

jonthebatiste · 28/08/2025 18:08

I think she should take full responsibility for her car herself, but ask for help from either of you if she needs it (can you just come along and be there while I do the talking, so they don't just see a 23yo young person who's obviously clueless) and be grateful for it.

If she's old enough to run a car, she's old enough to look after it.

As for paying for it, I would absolutely help her out while she's still in education.

MyGreyStork · 28/08/2025 18:10

Steph341 · 28/08/2025 18:01

For all you know she might be doing medicine at uni and have a 5 year course. Honestly some people are so rude and ignorant.

Show quote history

I’m sure op would have mentioned that because it wouldn’t be their last year, they still have training to complete plus they get a bursary in years 5 to 7. Seems you’re the ignorant one. She can still pay rent or help around the house.

BIossomtoes · 28/08/2025 18:11

TheStroppyFeminist · 28/08/2025 17:26

I'd be even worse, I'd probably find the garage, take her there, pay for it and let her borrow my car while hers was being repaired. I am a sap but there you go!

If you’re a sap, I am too. I’d do exactly the same.

PamIsAVolleyballChamp · 28/08/2025 18:12

What course is she on @iamamickey ? Can she not work weekends and increase her hours? How much did she work/save in the hols?

Vaxtable · 28/08/2025 18:14

Shes at Uni therefore still a student. I had help with my cars and where to go from my dad in my 40s!

Just help her, she needs the car and if she has no money where does her step father( bet he would help if she was his actual daughter!p?) think the money is going to come from? If she has no car how does she get to a placement?

I would work with her, show her what to do, not just leave it to her to sort

But then I believe a child is for life, not just to be kicked out at 18 or whenever MN feels is the appropriate age and then left to get on with it. lots of adult s have good relationships with parents and seek advice, and help with funding on occasions

BabyCatFace · 28/08/2025 18:15

Yes she should be paying for it herself and she should probably be pulling her weight more at home too. She's 23, not 18 and your husband is more like a housemate to her at this point- why should he (and you) carry her share of the household chores?
I do disagree that you shouldn't necessarily go with her to help her out with the garage, if she hasn't done it before there is no harm in you going with her for the first time.

Pinkissmart · 28/08/2025 18:15

MyGreyStork · 28/08/2025 16:38

Your husband is right. She’s 23, far from being a teenager. She should pay for it herself and she needs to work more than 8 hours a week.

She's in university with a placement

HumbleKatey · 28/08/2025 18:16

iamamickey, if you say what’s wrong with the brakes I can give useful advice as DH is a professional car mechanic.

Loveduppenguin · 28/08/2025 18:17

Well there’s a middle ground here,

you tell her the mechanic you use and you give her the number and let her get on with arranging it.
then when she has a price and an itemised bill..she tells you so you can make sure she’s not being ripped off.
if she needs to borrow money then you could loan it to her I suppose.
why does your dh get a say? This is between you and dd!

MyGreyStork · 28/08/2025 18:18

Pinkissmart · 28/08/2025 18:15

She's in university with a placement

Show quote history

And? She can still work more than 8 hours and help around the house.

Pinkissmart · 28/08/2025 18:19

I just paid for my 23 year old child's AC. She works full time and doesn't live with me. She didn't ask me and was adamant that she didn't really need it.
I helped her because she's my child, I love her and it's nice to do things for the people you love.

OP, your husband is a knob. I'd dump a man for being such an ass about my child

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