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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I can’t figure out who is right here.

321 replies

iamamickey · 28/08/2025 16:03

I have a daughter age 23. She is in final year University. She has a car which she needs to help her when she is on placement. She has a part time job in hospitality but is only about 8 hours per week and she gets basic loan from uni funding.

The car has developed a fault. Probably something to do with breaks need changed. Husband is adamant we don’t pay for Any of it and thinks I shouldn’t even organise to have it looked at. He thinks I should at most tell her where to go and let her do the rest. He said this is Real world stuff and I need to stop
babysitting her.

I think she will get ripped off if she goes alone. I feel like I might need to hep
out with the price too.

can anyone let me know how it works out with their kids please. Let me get some perspective? AIBU for wantimg
to help?

OP posts:
Anyahyacinth · 28/08/2025 18:21

I’d help her and encourage the husband to do so, multiple ‘studies’ show women are charged more for vehicle repairs in exactly this situation…shouldn’t be true but undercover reporting shows it is sadly

Bobnobob · 28/08/2025 18:22

I would help her financially… she’s building herself a career, not lazing around! But I do agree she should do things like go to the garage herself and be independent about that.

Northerngirl821 · 28/08/2025 18:23

I would help her financially but at 23 she should be organising the repair. How will she ever learn if she doesn’t start taking responsibility? Does she even know how to check the oil, fluid levels, tyre pressures etc.? If not, perhaps he could teach her that and give her some pointers on how to choose a garage, then let her go off and sort the repair.

Needlenardlenoo · 28/08/2025 18:27

I would help her either practically (finding a decent garage), financially or with advice because it's my precious child and working brakes keep you (and other people) alive!

It's not like an overspent credit card or missed electricity bill.

whatasillygoose · 28/08/2025 18:34

MyGreyStork · 28/08/2025 18:18

And? She can still work more than 8 hours and help around the house.

Show quote history

So when does she do this work then? Placements are usually full time, then there’s studying because you often have assignments to submit all the way through placements. Then she’s doing a full days work another day. Sounds like enough to me!

whatasillygoose · 28/08/2025 18:34

It was pretty much guaranteed he was going to be step-dad wasn’t it!

Creamcheesedreams · 28/08/2025 18:37

Get her to do it and bring dad along to stand behind her so the garage doesn’t think they can scam her?

Coldnightsapproachingwhereismyduvet · 28/08/2025 18:40

My dd is 36.. Dh isn't her biological df.. He services /fixes her car whenever necessary.. As he does with all the family cars....
Your dh is a cunt..
Help your dd whenever you want to.. He isn't your manager. Tell him clearly you don't need anyone managing your time or assisting in your parenting.

Blanknotebook · 28/08/2025 18:43

I would help her to get it fixed. If it’s a problem with the brakes then it 100% has to be sorted out. You would never forgive yourself if something happened to her driving an unsafe vehicle.

TwistedWonder · 28/08/2025 18:44

Crunchymum · 28/08/2025 16:40

Well surprise, surprise. He's her stepdad.

Wonder if he'd take the same stance with his own children?

Sounds like it's quite essential for her so in your position @iamamickey I'd be helping her (financially and practically). You can put provisos on this - it's a loan to be paid back / she has to sort further repairs herself - whatever you - as her mother - are comfortable with.

I'm in my 40's and I know both my dad and my in-laws would help me even now if I needed their help. It's what parents do.

Edited

100% agree - he’s being an absolute dick and i guarantee he’d take a different stance if she was his daughter.

Of course it’s normal to help your young adult DC out when they need parental support. I don’t get this MN stance that the minute the clock hits midnight on their 18th birthday then they’re on their own

londongirl12 · 28/08/2025 18:45

I agree with him that at 23, she should be taking it to a garage. I was married at that age!!!! But I would be helping pay for it.

MyGreyStork · 28/08/2025 18:49

whatasillygoose · 28/08/2025 18:34

So when does she do this work then? Placements are usually full time, then there’s studying because you often have assignments to submit all the way through placements. Then she’s doing a full days work another day. Sounds like enough to me!

Show quote history

We don’t know the course she’s on or how long the placement is for. It could be a year long or a single semester. But I suspect it isn’t healthcare related or op would have mentioned the free £5000 NHS bursary they would have got e ah year which isn’t means tested.

But when I did my uni healthcare course, I did uni, placement and worked more than 8 hours a week as well as having kids. You make it work. A lot of parents and mature adults with bills to pay were on my course and some were younger than op’s daughter. For single mothers it was even harder. If they and I can do it with kids she can get a job with more hours and contribute and help around the house. It’s a choice.

Keyhooks · 28/08/2025 18:49

Very normal for a decent man to not want a young woman, particularly a daughter to be ripped off.

But there are tensions?
He sounds like he resents her.

Protect her from that.

Pinkissmart · 28/08/2025 19:03

@MyGreyStork
Op says her daughter helps with siblings and is a great support.

A placement can be quite a number of hours each week - on top of academic work

Cakeandcardio · 28/08/2025 19:06

What's the real world stuff? That she needs her car to study but her dad wants to see her suffer by struggling to afford the repair? In fact, he is such a dick that he isn't even confident you should advise her where to go never mind help out?! Will def not be the first time he has been a dick.

Note - after my mum died when I was studying, my dad told me I should be paying him digs. I barely had two pence to rub together. But I upped and left him and now I don't talk to my dad

CarpetKnees · 28/08/2025 19:09

She should definitely be sorting the issue herself.
She's 23 !
If she's old enough to own a car then she is old enough to sort out maintaining it and getting it fixed - mine were doing this at 18 !

As she is living at home, then presumably you or your dh can recommend the garage you use (or, if neither of you are car owners then you will know enough people to ask around). If she were living away she'd have to crack on and do it all herself.

The finance - difficult to say. Will depend on your own finances to some degree. I think it also depends on how much she is giving you for housekeeping and therefore how much of her loan she has left. My starting point would be that if she wants a car, then she has it on the basis that she needs to earn enough money to maintain it.

R0ckandHardPlace · 28/08/2025 19:11

She can google garages and at least get it looked at. If from the quote it sounds like they’re going to rip her off you can step in at that point.

I had two DCs when I was 23. She’s not a baby, she’s a grown woman.

ChicaWowWow · 28/08/2025 19:14

I've been raised in a family where we help each other out when in need, financially and otherwise. I think that IS "real world" stuff to be taught you can rely on your loved ones and for you to be there for your loved ones too, but maybe I've been raised wrong, according to your DH?

HappyStep1 · 28/08/2025 19:16

I will do as much as possible to help my DSC till the day I die, it's the commitment I made when I became a permanent part of their lives.
Even when they're not being so nice, even if I was no longer with their Dad.
You have a "D"H problem.

Petrolitis · 28/08/2025 19:18

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

You are so fucking rude.

This is supposed to be a support forum. Not a space for some supercilious bloke to correct spelling and grammar. For all you know the OP could struggle with dyslexia.

Do better

mumofsixfluffs · 28/08/2025 19:21

Help her organise the repair at the very least so she’s not ripped off. Your DH is being a bit harsh. I understand she needs to join the real
world but only when she has either finished uni or us working full time whichever occurs first. 8 hours a week pay is a pittance

TheignT · 28/08/2025 19:22

The brakes, OMG if there is one thing you don't want to leave it is her brakes. This is dangerous. Get them fixed, support her arranging it and if you can afford it and she hasn't got much money as a student then help her.

Agernonthingy · 28/08/2025 19:23

Petrolitis · 28/08/2025 19:18

You are so fucking rude.

This is supposed to be a support forum. Not a space for some supercilious bloke to correct spelling and grammar. For all you know the OP could struggle with dyslexia.

Do better

Show quote history

Very well said. 👏👏👏

AgnesX · 28/08/2025 19:23

Can you afford to help? If you can then do it on the qt.

RichPetuniaAgain · 28/08/2025 19:28

The reality is that no matter their age, they are always your children. If you can afford to make her life easier by paying for the car to be fixed, then do it. Are you going to feel better doing it or not doing it? There’s your answer.