I can’t figure out who is right here.

[iamamickey]

I have a daughter age 23. She is in final year University. She has a car which she needs to help her when she is on placement. She has a part time job in hospitality but is only about 8 hours per week and she gets basic loan from uni funding.

The car has developed a fault. Probably something to do with breaks need changed. Husband is adamant we don’t pay for Any of it and thinks I shouldn’t even organise to have it looked at. He thinks I should at most tell her where to go and let her do the rest. He said this is Real world stuff and I need to stop
babysitting her.

I think she will get ripped off if she goes alone. I feel like I might need to hep
out with the price too.

can anyone let me know how it works out with their kids please. Let me get some perspective? AIBU for wantimg
to help?

Personally I would go with her and sort the car out. So she knows what questions to ask, doesn’t get mucked about and understands the cost involved in looking after and maintaining a car. Depending on the cost I would cover the invoice, but would ask for a contribution and maybe suggest that she puts a little bit of money aside each month so that moving forward she can cover maintenance/MOT/Service etc.

I understand your DH’s point of view, but in the meantime she has a car with possible dodgy brakes. My DH wouldn’t allow me to drive round with a broken car carrying me and the kids, let alone our kids on their own.

From the way it was worded I assumed she was your daughter and not his

Are the siblings you mention yours with DH ?

I'm all for independence and letting kids stand on their own 2 feet but a little help in certain areas if you can is always good - can you afford to help her ? If so then do

I'm in my fifties and not a car person - I have mine serviced reqularly etc . If though I wanted to buy a new car I would ask my neighbour who is a car person for advice so I don't get fleeced

I think her parents should help her.

Can her dad chip in ?

So is it any of his business if you help your daughter?
Why are you listening to him and his rants, get ta fuck pal, I will help my daughter out

You help your daughter. I helped mine all the time

Totally agree.
Calling people out on their spelling is just pathetic

Your DH is in denial about how women get treated at these places. I know someone who charges women double than men

She’s a student. She’s made the sensible decision to live at home, she helps out, she works part-time and has a loan.

Your husband is being too harsh. Please help her get it fixed, guide her with the repairs, which garage to use etc and help her with the cost. Leaving her to get it sorted adds to the risk of it costing extra or not being done well, it’s a parent’s role to teach and encourage independence

Sorry but she's 23 FFS. I'm with ur husband she needs to grow up and be an adult. She's living at home so i imagine rent is low or non existent. Why is she only doing 8hrs work a week. I worked a 40hr full time job, a 12hr part time job and did a 5yr degree in 3yrs 2 nights a week when I was 23-26. And yes I paid for my own car. She needs a reality check.

Well, I’m several decades on, and for many things car related I have DH step in as the sad fact is, many still try it on no end with women and I don’t want to be bothered arguing with people trying to rip me off. They don’t try it on with DH, or if they do, they back down pretty quickly. I’m in no way ashamed to get him to deal with most of it in those circumstances. DH does exactly the same for DD as he does for me. One day he won’t be there for her, but while he is, he’ll assist however he can, because that’s normal parenting.

I think there are a few relevant points to consider

1. will it be her step dad who is being asked to pay or does op have her own separate income and savings? If he is finding all their lives then he gets more of a say. If it's ops own money and she pays her way then she can spend her money without needing

2. why is it on her step dad to stump up the costs and not her actual dad? I don't mind spending on my DSC it's just grim how their mum keeps her purse strings tightly sealed so I end up working full time despite illness to help fund stuff she could easily contribute to.

3. how is she only in her final year at 23, was it must a long course or did she work or something before uni?

Different people can manage life at different levels of intensity. I used to feel ashamed I couldn't manage a job alongside university (although I did work in the summer) . Much later I learnt I had an underlying condition that completely explained why I was never able to live life at full pelt. Those people juggling everything weren't better than me, I was giving everything I could.

My daughter’s stepfather would have died for her. He couldn’t have loved her any more.

Absolutely IME. Always get DH to deal with car repairs for me and DD after being stung when I was younger. Is there any other male family member or friend with fully comp insurance so can drive it, who could ring for a quote and take it to a garage for her?

Tell her to put a message on your local Facebook for recommendation for a reliable, trustworthy, garage if you don’t use one regularly. Always see messages like that on mine with good responses.

Most parents would help out rather than let their DC struggle no matter what age they are. It’s not like she’s run up debt on fripperies she wants you to pay off, it’s for something that’s not her fault and will massively impact on her getting where she needs to be. You can set up a plan to pay you back when she gets a full time job if you can afford to pay it for her now.

Your DH is a being an arse and I would make that clear to him. Being a family means you have each other’s back.

She your daughter, you should have the final say unless you are depending on him for money?

Is her biological father on the scene?

She is in her final year, she will be out in the real world soon enough

@InterestedDad37
So he wants to put the BRAKES on helping her to sort out the BRAKES. You could say 'well, them's the BREAKS', but it would be nicer to help her with the BRAKES 👍

Well that was terrible, doesn’t even make sense.

I'm 47 and my mum helps me sometimes. He sounds mean

Yeah, this.

But presumably the OP and her dh, and everyone they and the dd know (as she is living at home and not in a new town) would be able to suggest a decent garage ?

She isn't in a strange town 300miles from home.
Though, if she were, she'd have to sort it out herself then.

Fear not, patriarchy, your future is safe.

Frankly, FUCK THAT. I know it’s not standard for dads to do what mine did, but if mine could have me changing spark plugs at 6 and doing oil changes at 8 then a 23 year old female should be able to deal with a garage to sort out their brakes (although I always do my own).

(By 23 I’d worked out how to rewire the house I’d bought at 19.)

I saw a video pointing out that 20 years ago the 14 year olds were babysitters. Now the 14 year olds need babysitters. What on earth are these young adults actually prepared for these days? It blows my mind.

DP is wrong. You help your kids out when they need it. A car's brakes are essential to be fixed. Show her how to find the most reliable garage. Tell her you will pay it, then when her money comes through each month she can pay you back £20 a month. Tell DP to fck off, he is an awful step father.

At 23, I would have sorted my own car and managed the cost. However my parents didn't have much money and I knew that. I may have asked them for some advice. I think if you have the money then it would be very kind to help her when she is a student and not earning much. I think it's normal for people of all ages to ask each other for advice and support. I do think it's reasonable to suggest she rings up, books and appointment and goes herself, she has to learn how to do these things. If she gets given an exorbitant quote then she could ask you for advice.

The way to deal with that is to upskill In the subject matter. Not hide behind a man. Anyone driving a car should have a basic understanding of the mechanics and safety checks they should be doing. If you’re old enough to drive a potential killing machine you’re old enough to deal with it when things go wrong.

Why aren’t these apparently capable men not equipping their daughters with these skills? <answer: sexism>

Of course you should help her. Your Dh sounds a horrible man. Is he jealous of the relationship you have with your daughter? I wouldn't let any man stop me helping my daughter out when she needed it, no matter how old she was

You know the answer here already. You have an amazing daughter going to uni. She is doing great in life. But she could do with a bit of help fixing her car. You of course give her help.
Step dads do not love step daughters. His responses stem from that. You have to be the advocate for her here and you sound like you will. Don’t doubt yourself!