Money 'borrowed'

[Alice19876]

I got married three years ago. To my husband who is a tradie who works hard for our family while I stay home with our twins who are 18 months old.
I am very lucky to be a stay at home mom and my husband works very hard to provide for us we don't live beyond our means and have one holiday abroad a year and one year in England.
when we got engaged we planned a Cyprus wedding but due to Covid that fell apart and we lost about 1.5k in deposits.
due to this we decided to have a cheap uk wedding in December in a beautiful venue that does packages nothing I don't regret. Now here comes the issue, I'm an only child and when my parents were there during my engagement they was over the moon for me they even offered 10k to get married abroad and I was shocked but so thankful. But obviously due to Covid the wedding abroad it never went ahead. Since we moved the wedding to the uk and it coming a lot more my parents said it was ok the budget was still the same. While we paid other fees. ,then they made changes to the wedding ie the evening wedding food was a basic package but my dad wanted the upgrade to a hog roast which was 1.5k including other changes, my wedding dress they said not to worry so we went shopping for my dress I found a lovely one for £800 but my mom made me try on a 2.5k dress with a 1k veil and extras. But they reassured me, I'm their only child and little girl it's okay. Then added extras as their friends are coming, a harpist which they wanted etc so it came about 10k but we put the rest.

happy wedding and all good until yesterday. My parents informed me the wedding money they 'loaned' me they need back in a year. It wasn't ever a loan and I'm shocked. It's been 3 years and never mentioned once. My dad is taking early retirement this year which I don't blame him but they want the money to go on a cruise. As I mentioned I'm a stay at home mom to twins and also now another baby on the way. Where do I get this money from? When all along for 3 years plus the year before telling me not to worry. I feel sick, I have such a good relationship with my parents so I don't want this to affect our relationship. But I don't have a spare 10k they told me I shouldn't have gone on holiday this year and gave them the money instead but they have never mentioned this before!? If it was a loan it would've been paid back since we first got married. I can't sleep as I'm so worried. Aibu? Do I just take a loan out?

Your parents are awful. What a terrible way to behave towards your daughter and grandchildren. They're going to have a very lonely old age.

Why take out a loan? The 10k was a gift - gifts are not repayable.

I'm so sorry, OP. They sound horrible. Were they controlling towards you? It almost smacks of punishment for your being independent now that you are expecting a child of your own.

@Alice19876 I am so sorry to see your updates. I have never suggested this to anyone before, but I would very much suggest that for your own mental health and to safeguard your physical health and the safety of your pregnancy you should go completely NC with them.

You may need counselling to process this trauma, and the loss of your beloved pet which I am so sorry for. Be honest with other family members about your reasons, don’t let them set the narrative or put the blame on you.

I am utterly shocked by the way they have treated you, as PP have said most parents would give their child their last penny. Focus on yourself and your little family and be very kind to yourself, this is not your fault. Your parents are the ones who will miss out on so much by their own actions.

Sorry op.

Its horrible what they have done. It would be like you asking them 3 years after your husband did free work for them that that was a loan and they now need to pay for the labour that he did. I wonder if the labour would have been 10k it he had actually charged for it?! If they ever contact you again, ask them for the labour payment for the work done be to be taken of the loan! If they can do it, you can do it too!!

I bet they will rethink their decision when they start getting older and have no one to look after them. At least you know you are not obliged to help them in their old age!

Exactly this. Parents only gave her the money to get the wedding they wanted to impress their friends. It's surprising she hasn't noticed their behaviour before but maybe she was too close to them to see it being an only child.

Sorry you had those parents. No child deserves that sort of treatment. Hope you have made a great life for yourself.

Yes! And no doubt wanted the gushing thank yous in the speeches for their generosity.

Dreadful behaviour!

I've only read your posts @Alice19876 , and I just want to say how sorry I am. This kind of thing is life changing. Take it easy and look after your self and your family.

It's a truly shocking experience having the scales fall from your eyes when it comes to your parents. I'm so sorry for all you're going through. You will start seeing your past relationship and interactions with them differently now and the grief will come in waves. Please be gentle with yourself. But also know, it is entirely their loss not to have you and your lovely children in their lives ❤

I dont blame you being angry and disappointed. You were happy with a basic wedding package and a cheaper wedding dress. It was your parents who insisted upon upgrading all these arrangements and expensive accessories. Perhaps when they were taking over your wedding arrangements and flashing the cash about (seemingly for their benefit rather than yours) they should have thought that they might need it. I would not hesitate to remind them of this.

My love, I’m so sorry you’ve had to endure this.

it’s not right, it’s not normal and it’s not how normal parents treat their kids.

your best reply would have been at the outset, we don’t have any money spare and we didn’t spend it on the first place, you did.

ok, ffwd to now, you’ve got lawyers involved, you have proof it’s a gift, so you should know that they can’t do anything to you.

the hurt you’re feeling is harder to heal, but it will. Take your time, keep your distance and let them reap the consequences of their actions- ie they don’t get to see you, your kids for the foreseeable future

the events around your beloved dog dying and not being able to say goodbye is probably something you won’t ever forgive them for. Rightly so, it was unfathomably mean.

the raw pain of all this will pass. I promise. I cut ties with mine a long time ago and eventually you get accustomed to the situation

doesn’t mean you’re not sad about it, but it doesn’t live in your head any more, it doesn’t weigh down your heart as much.

if you ever question yourself about this, please just look at your own kids and think about if you could ever put them through what your parents are putting you through

this is the method I use to pull myself back to reality if I start to feel regretful

they chose to do this to you.

again, I’m so sorry 😘

So sorry OP. What a horrible ending to your relationship with your parents.

My parents did something very similar to me. Gave me a substantial house deposit - much bigger than I actually needed as they encouraged me to go for a bigger house. 3 years later, they decided it was a loan and not a gift. Despite numerous conversations about me being their only child and it would make them so happy to be able to do this for me...

They took me to court, and the law states that the onus was on me to prove it was a gift. I submitted loads of email and text exchanges but because I didn't have anything 'official', I had to start paying them back.

I've been NC ever since. It's heartbreaking that your own parents could switch the narrative like this and bring so much stress to their childs life.

Best of luck, OP. You're better off without people like this in your life!

You are right to cut contact @Alice19876 Their behaviour is appalling. I wonder if they considered they would loose access to their grandchildren when they decided to lie about this sum of money?

We have had to cut contact with DHs kids. They have tried on a similar trick and for the same amount of money but luckily I had plenty of text messages from the son referring to 'the loan' so this was declared 'exhibit A' and I told him I would take him to court.

In reality, looking back, it was clear they were planning to dump us but wanted a payday into the bargain so we were stitched up. We had been nothing but kind and gracious to them so none of it made sense. They paid within three days of the NIP which just shows they had the money to pay us back after all.

The pain takes years to go though so be prepared for this. I can't speak for you but for us, it was pain mixed with being thankful we didn't have the skeevy skanks in our lives. We had made our wills so they got the lot too so that had to be sorted PDQ. Like you. We never saw the axe coming at all.

Your parents are total shits. Who gives their child only £100 as a wedding gift if they can afford more? That shows the sort of people they are (and also is a pointer to the fact that they were behaving as if they had just given you a £10k gift, not a loan).

NC sounds like a good idea....

I am so sorry to read your update.

Hey Op sorry about your dog this just goes to show you how heartless your dp are. It’s money they care about. It’s not you or your kids. they lied to you. it will get easier for you but it will be a bigger loss for them concentrate on your family now your dp chose this so it’s on them. If they can treat their only child like this they are not worth it. Hope the new baby fills you with joy.

I'm really sorry. That must hurt. Focus on your husband and children and forget about them. Complete NC as you have done and never feel guilt about it for one moment.

What they did about your dog is so cold and cruel. You owe them absolutely nothing ever.

I am so sorry about what they are putting you through. You are right to go NC. What they did to you about the Dog is cruel.

First of all, cutting contact is a terrible thing to experience. It will, particualrly as only child and not having another 6 to validate with, probably have a big impact
on your mental well-being.

I agree with others, sounds like dad taking early retirement has buggered up financial plans and they’re scrambling to afford that cruise. If he has private pensions, it’ll be a stock market thing that pension is even less than he thought at point of taking early retirement. They are panicking about money and this was a straw they clutched at.

things will change. They’ll have the cruise. Come back. Look at a life without their grandchildren, and without their daughter, and over time realise they’ve behaved extremely over at the very worst a misunderstanding of expectations.

lets be honest, no parents give their child a £100 gift voucher for a wedding. HMRC gives IHT tax allowances of £5000 specifically for event of child marrying. So even tax man thinks up to a £5000 gift is reasonable . It is on them that they don’t draw up a loan agreement right form start if that’s what they meant. But I think we all know, they were spending their money on your wedding freely and it seems rather stupidly didn’t budget in their excitement , and only now with early retirement realise they messed up.

so instead of saying they messed up, and discussing honestly the situation, they’ve stupidly tried to gas light and blackmail you. Over time they’ll realise how self destructive this is

so, keep communication open at your end. Write to them saying you’re devastated and hurt they’ve thrown this at you. Say that you will keep lines of communication open so they can reach out to you when the time is right. You will not, however, at any point discuss this money they want you to pay, with them. The topic is closed. In absence of loan agreed at time (which would have meant you spent less on your wedding according to what you could have afforded) , they cannot order you to gift them the same money as they gifted you, back to you. This is not something you will do.

then say that it is not in your, or theirs interest, and particualrly their grandchildren’s interest to cut communcation. This will cause you all a lot of distress and upset. You hope that you all have this common interest, that family relationships are the most important thing And you do not want to severe communication with them, or not have them in your life. However, that is in their hands. If they want to reach out to you to move on and never mention the money again, and put this misunderstanding behind you as something that is done, then they just need to write back.

You know, and they do really, they’re not going to get money back gifted form you. They’ll realise at some point loosing their daughter and gc is worth a lot more than the money they spent stupid on your wedding. it could take years. It will eventually dawn on them

my dad cut me off for 20 years. Luckily I had a sibling to verify he was a Pratt in doing so. However, it was bloody awful and had a massive impact on my mental health (mum had died 12 months before he cut me off). 5 years ago we reconciled. Just as he was being diagnosed with serious illness. He was a few years later admitted to care and eventually diagnosed with Lewy body dementia. It is a grotesque illness. I am glad we had chance to reconcile, and I spent a lot of time with him over next 3 years, during his LBD, till he died aged 87. I get a lot of comfort we made up in end, as did he. Nope, he didn’t rewrite me back into his will (didn’t have mental competency to be fair!) …but then there wasn’t much given to my sibling either after care home fees (worth pointing out to parent if they ever throw that well write you out the will piece again…response is “well they’ll not be much left by the time you’ve been in care home for years becuase I won’t be able to support you to stay on your home!”

hang in, don’t block them permanently, unless they had a history of abusive stuff. They screwed up. They’ve probably looking at everyone except themselves to blame. these things can all work out ok in end with tolerance, understand and patience on your part. Just don’t ever accept money from them again.

Their reaction seems very extreme and drastic unless there's some backstory.

Either way you know where you stand with them. Frankly I would cut them out of my life for what they have done. It's one thing to claim the money was a long when it wasn't but to then decide to donate all inheritance to charity as punishment and prevent you saying bye to the dog is just mean, childish and petty which is why I feel there's more going on here.

Anyway good luck with your pregnancy and maybe get some therapy to help you work through this and deal with the grief because yes you are mourning the loss of your relationship with your parents plus the dog and everything else.

OP your parents are absolutely abhorrent and spiteful - I think actually NC is better for all all round. I wouldn’t want people like that near my children. From all you have written, it’s clear to me that they pushed up the cost of your wedding massively then obviously have some form of ‘buyers remorse’

We had a loan situation in our family - however it was certainly a loan.

My sister attempted to borrow money off other relatives before asking my then recently widowed elderly mother for a loan (£4k for reference) towards her house deposit, with a promise to start paying it back soon after once they were on their feet.

Sister then came into a significant amount of money (£100k+), so DM asked her to start paying the loan back in instalments of £100 a month - so not even a huge payment. Sister claimed DM was jealous of her good fortune and then fell out with her deliberately and said to me - “I definitely don’t need to pay it back now I’m not speaking to her”

She also stole around £70k through the final years of my dad’s life, pleading various financial hardships and dad used to transfer her money to ‘keep her happy’ - she also used my dads name and bank account to finance her car and only ever paid one payment of it back to him.

Put it this way - she had a handbag collection and designer wardrobe that would would rival any footballers wife. Any ‘financial hardships’ were quite literally from her shopping sprees.

She was also particularly work shy and expected her life to be fully funded - this was at the then age of 41 with her also having 2 kids.

She also extorted money from various random men but that is also a completely different story altogether! I feel very sorry for her current partner and understand exactly why they have been engaged for over ten years and why he won’t marry her. I think his wealthy family have banned him from doing so!!

We are all NC from her now - and honestly our lives are happier - and even though she got away with the money, she lost her family - her sisters, her mum, nieces and nephews. Her loss long term.

Sorry but no. They've shown their true colours re the dog. The final nail in the coffin. There's no forgiving that.

I'm so very sorry.