Money 'borrowed'

[Alice19876]

I got married three years ago. To my husband who is a tradie who works hard for our family while I stay home with our twins who are 18 months old.
I am very lucky to be a stay at home mom and my husband works very hard to provide for us we don't live beyond our means and have one holiday abroad a year and one year in England.
when we got engaged we planned a Cyprus wedding but due to Covid that fell apart and we lost about 1.5k in deposits.
due to this we decided to have a cheap uk wedding in December in a beautiful venue that does packages nothing I don't regret. Now here comes the issue, I'm an only child and when my parents were there during my engagement they was over the moon for me they even offered 10k to get married abroad and I was shocked but so thankful. But obviously due to Covid the wedding abroad it never went ahead. Since we moved the wedding to the uk and it coming a lot more my parents said it was ok the budget was still the same. While we paid other fees. ,then they made changes to the wedding ie the evening wedding food was a basic package but my dad wanted the upgrade to a hog roast which was 1.5k including other changes, my wedding dress they said not to worry so we went shopping for my dress I found a lovely one for £800 but my mom made me try on a 2.5k dress with a 1k veil and extras. But they reassured me, I'm their only child and little girl it's okay. Then added extras as their friends are coming, a harpist which they wanted etc so it came about 10k but we put the rest.

happy wedding and all good until yesterday. My parents informed me the wedding money they 'loaned' me they need back in a year. It wasn't ever a loan and I'm shocked. It's been 3 years and never mentioned once. My dad is taking early retirement this year which I don't blame him but they want the money to go on a cruise. As I mentioned I'm a stay at home mom to twins and also now another baby on the way. Where do I get this money from? When all along for 3 years plus the year before telling me not to worry. I feel sick, I have such a good relationship with my parents so I don't want this to affect our relationship. But I don't have a spare 10k they told me I shouldn't have gone on holiday this year and gave them the money instead but they have never mentioned this before!? If it was a loan it would've been paid back since we first got married. I can't sleep as I'm so worried. Aibu? Do I just take a loan out?

Just read your update, I'm so sorry. Why on earth are your parents deciding to do this? I simply do not understand why they'd want to cut off their only child over nothing really. I'm sorry your dog passed, that was awful of them not to let you say goodbye. Your dog is free in spirit and can see you anytime. I know this is true because I once saw a white dog walk around and disappear into the wall. Apparently it belonged to the previous occupant and I'd not long moved in. I find it unreal your parents have decided that money is more important than a relationship with their daughter and grandchild. You have no choice but to go no contact and focus on your own family. I wish you peace and all the best with the pregnancy.

Leaving aside the loan issue @Alice19876 I notice you say 'I' as in 'Where do I get the money'.

Don't you mean 'we'? You're married and a SAHM, you should have access to all the family money. If you don't have this then you are being financially abused and need to get back to work ASAP. Do you have access to all the family money?

This is so strange. If your parents have always been wonderful parents and you've been so close, why would they suddenly become weird about money? It makes no sense. I think there must be something else going on. Have they lost a lot of money recently (stock exchange for example) and not told you ? Have they fallen out with your husband but not said?

People do NOT change in this way, overnight. They just do not. (Unless dementia/brain tumour/stroke)

Perhaps there have been problems with OPs parents in the past, which OP hasn't mentioned?

I feel so sorry for you @Alice19876
This is so sad and such unhinged behaviour.

Its clearly NOT a loan so god knows why they want to pursue legal action against their PREGNANT daughter and withhold access to your beloved dog- they'll always be with you thoug...

And why they want to set fire to both their relationship with you and their 3 GC over this...

Just really sad all round.

I cant even imagine what their narrative is...

presumably you dont have any aunts or uncles who could reason with them?

The reason I say this is I am just struggling to believe this came from no where... do they have cancer... has one of them had a stroke?
Were you just blind/ oblivious to how transactional they were?

The inheritance I'd ignore... its meaningless at this point.

That’s awful. I wouldn’t contact them again until they come fully to their senses, Any contact by you will be seen as weakness.

I suspect you being married and pregnant has made them realise they have lost all control of you and they cannot stand you being independent. Money is their last control tactic and saying you’re cut out from an inheritance is designed to make you toe the line. It sounds like you are wise to them and won’t fall for it.

@oldclock
Don't you mean 'we'? You're married and a SAHM, you should have access to all the family money. If you don't have this then you are being financially abused and need to get back to work ASAP. Do you have access to all the family money?

I took that just to be a figure of speech, in the same way people say 'my child instead of our child'.

Sorry op -
what utter disappointments they are x

I’m so sorry they’ve been so terrible. What on odd situation on their part. Assuming you e explained to them that all the extra expenses were their wishing, I would just cut them off at this point entirely (which it sounds as though you’ve done). Their loss entirely, not getting to have a relationship with you and their grandchildren. Don’t feel bad about any of this yourself, not your doing at all.

I’m so sorry to read what has happened since you first posted. I cannot understand your parents at all. I have never known anyone ‘loan’ their child money for a wedding - it’s bizarre.
And so cruel about your dog.
Rise above it all and focus on your children and husband - and I hope all goes well with the pregnancy 💐

I’m so sorry this has happened to you. I’m glad you could prove it was a gift. You’re quite right to come to terms with the fact that they can leave their money to charity.

its the right thing to cut contact, they don’t deserve to see your lovely children. If there are any other family members make sure they know why

Why on earth are you over complicating this ? OP has used first person all throughout her posts and in an update she confirms that they have no savings as they have just paid out for a new boiler. So it’s not a case of her not having access to family funds, but that there are no family funds. There’s no indication that anyone other than her parents are financially abusing her, so can we try not to derail.

I’m so sorry this is happening to you. Your parents sound really toxic.
I would try to forget about them and focus on your baby and your own life. Not easy to do but cutting all contact is for the best.

So sorry to hear this. But you will see in the long term you are better off without them in your lives. They have treated you terribly. It is very much their loss, losing their only child and only grandchildren through their own awful behaviour.

OP doesn’t “owe” you an answer, just as she doesn’t owe her parents the money.
Are you always this transactional, if you offer advice? (Did you offer any, or just read along?)

Best of luck OP!

I am so sad to read of this outcome. It sounds as if you are never going to understand your parents’ behavior. None of what you describe really makes sense to me ( a grandparent and daughter of an aged parent who needs a lot of care). I am so sorry they were cruel to you over the passing of your beloved dog.

The one thing I know is that your parents are going to have regrets even if they will never admit it. They will miss the joy of spending time with their grandchildren and they will miss your company in years to come. Money can cause so much unhappiness!!

It sounds like you need to move on and focus on your growing family. I wish you well.

I'm so sorry op.

I'd give my DC the last penny I had, I find it so hard to understand how parents can choose money over their children. Sadly my father is very similar to your parents.

They will be the ones losing our though, old age is no fun without close family.

And I'm sorry for the loss of your beloved dog.

I'm sorry but they're is no way this won't affect your telationship with them.

Your parents sound vindictive, petty and selfish. I’m sorry you’re going through this.

If there are any other family members make sure they know why

I have a sneaking suspicion that the opinions of others is what’s behind this somehow. I’m pretty friendly with a couple of tradesmen and I remember having a conversation with them about their brother in law. They didn’t like him and thought he was a bit of a waster - but their major example of what a waste of space he was was the fact he hadn’t paid for his daughter’s wedding. And we had quite an interest conversation about it - as from my very middle class perspective, most people I know paid for their own weddings. But to these guys (similar age to the OP’s parents), not paying for a daughter’s wedding was worse than not standing your round in the pub. And the fact that OP mentioned her DH was a tradesman made me wonder if there were those expectations from him or from his family that the OP’s parents felt or picked up on? Doesn’t excuse the fact that they clearly encouraged her to spend on things rhat they wanted etc - it’s just a way of accounting for the change of behaviour. Because maybe now they’ve been talking to others who don’t have the same attitude and rheir kids pay for their own celebrations and they are now regretting their actions a bit and trying to “rectify” the situation in their own minds?

None of that excuses anything - and they’ve clearly put you in an awful position. And it sounds like you e acted in good faith towards them - if your DH has done a lot of free work on their house, I wouldn’t be at all surprised if that came to thousands at commercial rates as labour is the big cost in any project. But that’s part of the same mentality- you don’t charge family. And they are happy to benefit from it when it suits them…..

Go no contact. And if anyone asks, telll them why. Let you parents actually feel what that’s like in reality - no grandchildren to see and changing the subject when friends ask how they’re doing as they just don’t know and are embarrassed about it. On their own at Christmas etc. I bet they’ll change their tune soon enough….

Horrible situation for you, OP. Take care of yourself as much as possible.

I’ve had some shocking disagreements with my father, my only parent. but I didn’t want to cut all contact, So, I rang him once a month to ask about his welfare, short and sweet, and eventually…. rows were resolved. . Painful, but we still have a relationship. I know they’re being ridiculous, but they might, in time, come to their senses. As for the lawyers, I think they are the only ones who are going to win in this argument with their fees…

Sorry, where did your dog live? Who had her pts and why were you not allowed to sat goodbye???

How incredibly cruel

So sorry @Alice19876 , especially about your beloved dog, that is beyond cruel of your parents, to you and to your dog who would have had comfort from the presence a familiar and loved person. It's not just you they spited.
Money really can bring out the worst in people.
As others have said, I hope you build your own happy life with your little family and in-laws 💐

I am so sorry your parents have done this to you. Sending you my best wishes for a wonderful family life with your husband and little ones.

So sorry you are in this situation OP.
The money was clearly a gift, not a loan.
It does sound like they are panicking a bit about not having enough money? They sound very materialistic and demanding certain things were done for the wedding was all for "show" for their friends. I bet they are telling everyone a different version of events, make sure people know the truth.

I've always said money can cause so many problems in families.
If money is more important to them, so be it.
They can't even be bothered to visit their only grandchildren but can manage to go on holidays.
My DH's sister is like this.
God forbid, if anything happened to one of them they will soon be crawling back.

Look after yourself, all this stress when you are pregnant and looking after toddlers.

I'm sorry to hear your update. For what it's worth I think you've done the only thing you could. They will get nowhere with legal action if they can't prove it was a loan qnd you agreed to that, which obviously they won't be able to prove. Then it's just the question of your relationship. But the way they've behaved is selfish and appalling. It definitely sounds like cutting contact, at least in the short term, is the right thing. Hopefully they regret their behaviour and apologise. But I wouldn't bank on it.