Money 'borrowed'

[Alice19876]

I got married three years ago. To my husband who is a tradie who works hard for our family while I stay home with our twins who are 18 months old.
I am very lucky to be a stay at home mom and my husband works very hard to provide for us we don't live beyond our means and have one holiday abroad a year and one year in England.
when we got engaged we planned a Cyprus wedding but due to Covid that fell apart and we lost about 1.5k in deposits.
due to this we decided to have a cheap uk wedding in December in a beautiful venue that does packages nothing I don't regret. Now here comes the issue, I'm an only child and when my parents were there during my engagement they was over the moon for me they even offered 10k to get married abroad and I was shocked but so thankful. But obviously due to Covid the wedding abroad it never went ahead. Since we moved the wedding to the uk and it coming a lot more my parents said it was ok the budget was still the same. While we paid other fees. ,then they made changes to the wedding ie the evening wedding food was a basic package but my dad wanted the upgrade to a hog roast which was 1.5k including other changes, my wedding dress they said not to worry so we went shopping for my dress I found a lovely one for £800 but my mom made me try on a 2.5k dress with a 1k veil and extras. But they reassured me, I'm their only child and little girl it's okay. Then added extras as their friends are coming, a harpist which they wanted etc so it came about 10k but we put the rest.

happy wedding and all good until yesterday. My parents informed me the wedding money they 'loaned' me they need back in a year. It wasn't ever a loan and I'm shocked. It's been 3 years and never mentioned once. My dad is taking early retirement this year which I don't blame him but they want the money to go on a cruise. As I mentioned I'm a stay at home mom to twins and also now another baby on the way. Where do I get this money from? When all along for 3 years plus the year before telling me not to worry. I feel sick, I have such a good relationship with my parents so I don't want this to affect our relationship. But I don't have a spare 10k they told me I shouldn't have gone on holiday this year and gave them the money instead but they have never mentioned this before!? If it was a loan it would've been paid back since we first got married. I can't sleep as I'm so worried. Aibu? Do I just take a loan out?

I very much doubt that you were ever going to see that supposed inheritance,OP, so I don't think you've lost anything at all.

I'm sorry for what you are going through. To be honest, your parents sounded controlling and manipulative when interfering with the wedding. It was all about the show. Take good care of yourself and your family.

I’m so sorry it’s turned out this way for you OP. I’ m the same age as your parents and I can’t even imagine being so unclear with my DC about money - everyone knows it’s a subject that the closest of families can fall out over. I would never let my DC go over it. Do they fully comprehend that you won’t be there for them when they are frail?

I hope in time your wounds heal and your DC bring you more and more joy and comfort.

Oh Alice, I do feel for you.

I'm wondering if your parents have been living beyond their means and have belatedly realised they don't have as much money as they had thought, and so are trying to claw some back. This is not to justify their behaviour in any way. But to lose the relationship with their only child and grandchildren over this? Would they?

Stay strong. Even if you get a windfall today and give it to them things will never be the same again.

Sorry to hear your update. I did wonder earlier in the thread if one parent was driving this more than the other. It doesn’t matter though and it sounds like they have stuck to their guns anyway. What a shame for them and you and your family.

Dear Lord, how absolutely unbelievable.
I am so truly sorry for you OP.
I cannot believe your update.
It is so ugly, nasty, disproportionate and unhinged.

You did nothing wrong.
Nothing could have prepared you for this.
You will get through this OP.
I strongly suggest you find a therapist in the future to support you.
They have lost a wonderful daughter and grandchildren.

Do not keep this secret.
Tell people what happened and the fact you will never understand where such unkindness came from.

Going forward, we are here for you.
You have so much to look forward to.
Keep reminding yourself of that.
I'm so very sorry.

I'm so sorry to read your update OP. Your parents are unreasonable and cruel. You have done the right thing in cutting contact.

Wow, that sounds incredibly stressful – I’m so sorry you’re in this position.
From the way you’ve written, it’s clear that you never understood the money to be a loan. Quite the opposite: your parents pushed for upgrades (dress, hog roast, harpist etc.), reassured you it was fine, and never once mentioned repayment until now – three years later. That isn’t how a loan works.

I can understand they want money for retirement and a cruise, but it’s unfair to suddenly rewrite history and expect you to come up with £10k, especially when you’re at home with toddlers and pregnant.

You’re not being unreasonable. I think you need a very honest talk with them – calmly but firmly:

• You never agreed it was a loan.
• You simply cannot magic up that money.
• If they choose to damage the relationship over this, that’s their choice.

Please don’t rush into taking out a loan yourself. That puts you and your children at risk for something you never agreed to.

If they insist, perhaps offer a token amount you can afford monthly – but make it clear it’s a goodwill gesture, not acknowledgement of debt.

This is a horrible situation, but you’re not wrong here.

I'm so sorry OP. It really hurts when a relationship that you thought was good is revealed to be really awful through the other people's behavior.

I'm sorry about your dog. Please be kind to yourself and get support from the people in your life that love you unconditionally.

So sorry to read your update. It’s not easy cutting someone out of your life and I’m sure your parents will regret their actions.
Enjoy you own growing family and cherish those close to you.

If they insist, perhaps offer a token amount you can afford monthly – but make it clear it’s a goodwill gesture, not acknowledgement of debt.

Bad advice, all this will do in a court of law if it ever came to that, is prove it WAS a loan as she has offered to pay it back. When it clearly wasn't.

Anyway, they want the full enchilada, not a token amount.

They thought they could use money to control you , that's what this comes down to really. So spiteful to not let you say goodbye to your pet. I don't think I could forgive that . Do they reach out to see their grandchildren?

How very upsetting.

No one with an ounce of kindness would keep you away from your dog.

They sound extremely controlling, wanting to use the money in the first place to stage the wedding their way, with harpist etc. I just can’t imagine any parent prioritising an extra cruise over the relationship with their only child.

You have a lovely husband and your precious babies: concentrate on keeping the happiness within your own family.

The problem with that is as soon as you make payments you are admitting it's a loan and they would probably win in court, even though it's been 3 years as parents could say that was a grace period.

Have you suggested compromising, as in instead of paying them back 10k break down the extra costs like 1.5k hog roast, 2,700 (difference between dress&veil you wanted and mum), harpist, cost of friends attending etc…

I would also get your partner to price up what he would have charged someone else for working on the properties and let them know that this is how much you have saved them on repairs too.

If you still “owe” them something pay it back over a year. That way you have taken nothing from them. I would try and avoid litigation with family! If you can, try and talk to them - if they won’t talk write them a letter and detail how much extra they added to the event, how you appreciated their support but you would not have agreed to hog roasts and harpists or their friends attending if they had told you the money was a loan. Tell them you want their children to have grandparents and don’t want money to be a wedge between you but all you can offer is a payment plan to pay the difference between the wedding you would have had without their support and the wedding you ended up having. My mum and I have had big blow outs over the years (never over money) and tend to resolve them through writing to each other and then a conversation where we usually agree to disagree but accept each other’s feelings and come to a compromise.

Sorry that this is how it had to go. Aliases on first post i might have found a way to pay the 10k. Not to keep the peace or to keep tue relationship. But just so they can't throw it in my face or be a martyr about it. But I'm glad you didnt pay.

Really wouldn't worry about inheritance anyway. Doesn't sound like there will be much leftover after they go if they spend like you have said. In fact you may just end up with the funeral bill.

Write them a letter with all the details that you have included in your post eg the harp, the hog roast, the expensive dress. Explain that as parents often gift the wedding expenses and there was no talk of a loan, that you saw this money as a gift. Include a list of things that they chose with the cost breakdown and total. Minus that from the 10 grand. Restate that you see it as a gift but offer to pay back the new total in monthly installments over a few years - as quickly as you are able. Talk about your children's well being. I think they're being naughty - they know it wasn't a loan but they look like they were put out by your lifestyle and holiday so they changed their minds. Stay strong and calm. Sending hugs.

They just sound awful. But have you managed to have a single calm conversation without them kicking off?
You’ve got the evidence, so I assume you’ve got something in writing discussing this money as a gift, offering to pay for upgrades because they wanted these things/you’re their daughter etc. What have they actually said about those comments being in writing? And what on earth have their lawyers said. They sound despicable if they’re paying for layers to go after their only child over money they freely offered in order to upgrade things they wanted upgraded when you had chosen cheaper options.

Its going to sound awful, but keep all this evidence of their selfish and abhorrent behaviour and when they die, challenge the will.

“StewkeyBlue · Today 09:06

How very upsetting.
No one with an ounce of kindness would keep you away from your dog.
They sound extremely controlling, wanting to use the money in the first place to stage the wedding their way, with harpist etc. I just can’t imagine any parent prioritising an extra cruise over the relationship with their only child.
You have a lovely husband and your precious babies: concentrate on keeping the happiness within your own family.”

This with bells on, OP. Your parents sound horrible. I agree with PPs who have suggested that they are finding they have less money than they thought they did. But in any case, they sound incredibly cruel. It sounds like all the discussions have ended and you’re now non-contact.

But just in case it arises again: remain very clear that it was a gift not a loan and you owe them nothing. Do NOT pay anything towards it - as a PP said, from a legal position this would look like acknowledging the debt and the 6 year limitation period for making a legal claim against you would start running afresh from every such acknowledgment.

Don’t start paying them back as it could be seen as admission it was a loan. Simply tell them that, no, in fact there is no loan and never was and that as you have your own children they need to be prioritised. Do not take food out of your children’s mouths to appease your parents who are being ridiculous.

@Alice19876 I am sorry. Re your dog; our vet, if asked, would administer painkillers to allow an animal's people time to say goodbye. If your parents deliberately cut you out of the process that's a vindictive act and one you'd be right not to forgive.

Re the money. It may well be that your parents' threats are moot. Care costs being what they are, the Donkey Sanctuary or whatever might not see much of it either. However it goes, you're right not to acede to their attempt to rewrite history and to collate your evidence that there isn't and never was a loan. I don't have children, but I'm your parents' age and I can't imagine treating a young family member the way your parents are treating you. All the best to you and your family, including your new LO.

I just read your update OP and I am sorry that it has come to this. Don't spend a fortune on solicitors, you can respond to letters yourself. Just be brief and factual.

Prior to your update, I was going to suggest mediation with your parents, so that both sides can present their case with a neutral party present to help try and resolve it. It's a bit late for that now, but might help anyone else reading this thread.

For context, my parents just offered me some money to help buy a car and their words were "we could lend you £2-3K to be repaid over 2-3 years interest free".

That makes it clear to me that it is a loan, to be repaid to them. When I got married to XH they said, we have £XXK that we can give you towards the wedding.

I am sorry that your parents have done this to you.

@Alice19876 Thank you for updating.

I am sorry that things have gone this way, but as soon as I read your OP I knew this is how it would be.

All I can assume is that they must be getting short of cash themselves and see the 10k gift/loan/scam as a way to keep their champagne lifestyle rolling for another year. Sad and shortsighted that they can prioritise that over their relationship with you.

I am so sorry that your parents have done this to you.

💐