Money 'borrowed'

[Alice19876]

I got married three years ago. To my husband who is a tradie who works hard for our family while I stay home with our twins who are 18 months old.
I am very lucky to be a stay at home mom and my husband works very hard to provide for us we don't live beyond our means and have one holiday abroad a year and one year in England.
when we got engaged we planned a Cyprus wedding but due to Covid that fell apart and we lost about 1.5k in deposits.
due to this we decided to have a cheap uk wedding in December in a beautiful venue that does packages nothing I don't regret. Now here comes the issue, I'm an only child and when my parents were there during my engagement they was over the moon for me they even offered 10k to get married abroad and I was shocked but so thankful. But obviously due to Covid the wedding abroad it never went ahead. Since we moved the wedding to the uk and it coming a lot more my parents said it was ok the budget was still the same. While we paid other fees. ,then they made changes to the wedding ie the evening wedding food was a basic package but my dad wanted the upgrade to a hog roast which was 1.5k including other changes, my wedding dress they said not to worry so we went shopping for my dress I found a lovely one for £800 but my mom made me try on a 2.5k dress with a 1k veil and extras. But they reassured me, I'm their only child and little girl it's okay. Then added extras as their friends are coming, a harpist which they wanted etc so it came about 10k but we put the rest.

happy wedding and all good until yesterday. My parents informed me the wedding money they 'loaned' me they need back in a year. It wasn't ever a loan and I'm shocked. It's been 3 years and never mentioned once. My dad is taking early retirement this year which I don't blame him but they want the money to go on a cruise. As I mentioned I'm a stay at home mom to twins and also now another baby on the way. Where do I get this money from? When all along for 3 years plus the year before telling me not to worry. I feel sick, I have such a good relationship with my parents so I don't want this to affect our relationship. But I don't have a spare 10k they told me I shouldn't have gone on holiday this year and gave them the money instead but they have never mentioned this before!? If it was a loan it would've been paid back since we first got married. I can't sleep as I'm so worried. Aibu? Do I just take a loan out?

I'm so sorry 😔

I'm so sorry OP, what your 'parents' have done to you is utterly forgivable.

It's their loss, missing out in their only child's life and grandbabies lives all for 10k. Disgusting behaviour.

What grabby bastards.

Their loss. You enjoy your own loving family.

Op doesn't owe anyone an update. If you don't have anything nice to say try keeping quiet.
It's nice to have an outcome but not necessary especially if it's not an outcome the op wanted as has happened in this case.

The dog was 16, so I assume it was bought for the OP when the OP was a girl/teen still living at her parents' home. She says the dog was bought jointly, so they had joint ownership. From her post, it sounds like the dog remained in OP's parents home as its principal residence when she left home, but she saw doggo regularly as she retained joint ownership and obviously loved him/her. The parents had the dog put down and wouldn't let her say goodbye.

This act in itself tells you everything about these parents, and I very much doubt this is "new behaviour". It's just that the OP currently has the scales falling from her eyes, which is not uncommon when victims of parental abuse of the "death by a thousand cuts" variety have their own children.

They are throwing their toys out of the pram because they didn't get what they wanted and are now ashamed that their unreasonable behaviour has been called out. Some parents are so damn arrogant that they will NEVER, ever accept their children saying "no" to them, because THEY are the parents and only the parents get to say "no." They have probably been boasting to all their friends about early retirment and a cruise, off the back of you casually dropping 10k into their account. Now they have to backtrack.

Thank god it happened now, because I could see decades of this occuring til they die, as they have already relished removing your inheritence - because that's all they have left to bribe/threaten you with.

Awful parents. Not what I would consider proper grown ups either. Kids bribe people because they don't know how else to get what they want.

But i think that is what it is OP. They cannot tolerate the power balance having flipped.

Take care x

I’m so sorry Op- you’ve been treated appallingly. Fuck the inheritance although I’d be inclined to probably have messaged them “good you’ll need it all for round the clock care and I’ll never raise a hand to help you in old age.”

Do nothing.

They've got no proof it was a loan, nothing in writing. It's your word against theirs.
Certainly DO NOT set up any sort of small payment plan with them. Even a token amount. If, in the unlikely case that it did go to court, this payment plan would be used as evidence that you acknowledge it was a loan, and that's why you're making payments.

What a shitshow though. I personally think I'd struggle to get over this if it were me.

I’m so sorry OP. I was disinherited by my parents and I just wanted to let you know that under UK law it is very very difficult for a biological parent to disinherit a child. I know the money in many ways is the least of the concerns when you’re confronted with a situation like this, but a lot of people don’t know this which is why I mention it. They are the real losers here who will face their elder years alone without knowing their grandchild and in turn you won’t be burdened with looking after selfish people who don’t deserve your care. For me it validated what I suspected all along about them but used to internalise / blame on myself and in time whilst the most painful wound that I could imagine to start it actually “freed” me, and I don’t know whether in time you might also see a pattern or past events in a different light now they’ve shown their true colours. YOUR family (your other half and baby) are what matters now

This was very sad to read and one of the most shocking money related posts I’ve ever read on here. You must be baffled as to why they have turned in this way. If it was one parent I would be concerned about mental illness/mental decline but the fact they are both doing this makes it even more confusing. I’m very sorry and hope you can get past this and move on with your life.

@EloiseNH

I was disinherited by my parents and I just wanted to let you know that under UK law it is very very difficult for a biological parent to disinherit a child.

I don't think this is true at all. In some countries maybe, but not England.

I felt I wanted to post my support to you as I'm so very sorry that this has happened to you. As your parents' only daughter who has done absolutely nothing wrong, I find their behaviour in-excusable, very very selfish and also short-sighted on their part.

We too have an only daughter and like you, she has two young children who are the light of our lives. We're not rich but comfortable, and like your parents retired at aged 57 and 61. All planned for over many years, keeping track of our various pensions and investments which we've mainly accumulated through lump sums from our pensions and family inheritances. We paid for her wedding and other things over the years, willingly. It's what you do for your child or children and I was always taught by my Mum 'money is a tool to be used wisely' and we've always tried to live by that motto.

So they are prepared to lose their only daughter for the price of a cruise - unbelievable!!!! I am so sorry for your pain, you are right to cut them off. And don't give them back any money - put that thought right out of your head. The early years of babies and children are so precious, it's awful they are trying to blight yours.

Please get some counselling to help you come to terms with their behaviour. Just remember you have done nothing wrong, it's all on them. Bless you, I hope you eventually find peace of mind and a way forward with your own lovely husband and young children.

British children have no legal right to an inheritance whatsoever. As far as I am aware, it has always been that way.

Alice19876, Im deeply sorry to read of the passing of your dear dog. I truly know how you feel as my own (36yr) DD’s dog died v recently (only a yr older than yours). We’ve also shared him when she wasn’t able.
You must allow yourself to mourn properly for your pet.
Sending sincere condolences, keeping you in my thoughts.

I think you mean English children. Britain isn’t just England.

In Scotland, you cannot disinherit your children. It’s the law.

You are correct. In English/Welsh law, we have complete testamentary freedom. However, Scottish law is different, and children do have the right to claim from their parents' estates.

Got. Did not know that. Thanks for correcting me.

I'm so sorry that your parents have been so unbelievably ludicrous and selfish, and thrown away their entire relationship with you and their grandchildren over some deluded idea regarding the money they gave you (it was clearly initially given as a gift).
I know the fact that they're now leaving all their money the charity is only one of many changes/challenges you're facing right now, but this short article is interesting and thought I'd share it with you (it talks about challenging a will where inheritance is being left to charity as a "deliberate act of revenge against a child").
https://www.iwcprobateservices.co.uk/blog/can-i-challenge-a-will-where-everything-is-left-to-charity/

It's so bizarre that your parents are willing to ruin their relationship with their only child and grandkids over this. It's quite insane and makes no sense. Maybe some onset of dementia?

I’m very sorry to hear this @Alice19876 you must feel like the rug’s been ripped from under your feet and in shock. It’s good that you were able to prove it was a gift but very sad your parents have tried to twist it. Very controlling. I wish you all the best.

Bless you - your pain is so obvious in this post.

You are grieving now on multiple levels - for your beloved dog and for the family relationship that you thought you had.

It's awful that it's got to the stage of solicitors being involved! I don't have children, but I have beloved nieces and nephews and I can't ever imagine getting to a stage of wanting to cut them off over money, especially money that was spent on a wedding that you didn't need or want them to spend the money on.

I do wonder whether they've overestimated their own financial resources and realise they offered more than they could actually afford. If it's not that, I'd be wondering whether they're both coming down with dementia to have forgotten that they were the ones that talked you into an expensive dress and harpist!

Remember, friends are the family we choose for ourselves. Surround yourself with people who love you for being you.

Good luck OP

If they paid for things themselves too they haven’t got a leg to stand on! There being absolutely selfish! This was a gift and not a loan!

Sorry that just isn't true - apart from the fact that there isn't UK law on this as England and Wales have different rules to Scotland and NI. Assuming this is England/Wales then the OP's parent can disinherit her as long as they make it clear and they are of sound mind and not being unduely influenced (and asuming she is not a dependent which she does not seem to be). That said good riddance to them - they sound like awful people.

That did cross my mind for a split second,but both of them getting dementia at the same time? I can't see that.

I'm suspecting serious debt or they've been scammed? Either way,their behaviour is disgusting. Odd that one parent hasn't talked the other parent out of doing this and what they could lose by their actions.

In England you can leave your estate wherever you wish. No rules on inheritance except that testator must have been of sound mind and not coerced (which would be grounds for challenging a will).