Money 'borrowed'

[Alice19876]

I got married three years ago. To my husband who is a tradie who works hard for our family while I stay home with our twins who are 18 months old.
I am very lucky to be a stay at home mom and my husband works very hard to provide for us we don't live beyond our means and have one holiday abroad a year and one year in England.
when we got engaged we planned a Cyprus wedding but due to Covid that fell apart and we lost about 1.5k in deposits.
due to this we decided to have a cheap uk wedding in December in a beautiful venue that does packages nothing I don't regret. Now here comes the issue, I'm an only child and when my parents were there during my engagement they was over the moon for me they even offered 10k to get married abroad and I was shocked but so thankful. But obviously due to Covid the wedding abroad it never went ahead. Since we moved the wedding to the uk and it coming a lot more my parents said it was ok the budget was still the same. While we paid other fees. ,then they made changes to the wedding ie the evening wedding food was a basic package but my dad wanted the upgrade to a hog roast which was 1.5k including other changes, my wedding dress they said not to worry so we went shopping for my dress I found a lovely one for £800 but my mom made me try on a 2.5k dress with a 1k veil and extras. But they reassured me, I'm their only child and little girl it's okay. Then added extras as their friends are coming, a harpist which they wanted etc so it came about 10k but we put the rest.

happy wedding and all good until yesterday. My parents informed me the wedding money they 'loaned' me they need back in a year. It wasn't ever a loan and I'm shocked. It's been 3 years and never mentioned once. My dad is taking early retirement this year which I don't blame him but they want the money to go on a cruise. As I mentioned I'm a stay at home mom to twins and also now another baby on the way. Where do I get this money from? When all along for 3 years plus the year before telling me not to worry. I feel sick, I have such a good relationship with my parents so I don't want this to affect our relationship. But I don't have a spare 10k they told me I shouldn't have gone on holiday this year and gave them the money instead but they have never mentioned this before!? If it was a loan it would've been paid back since we first got married. I can't sleep as I'm so worried. Aibu? Do I just take a loan out?

Absolutely do not take out a loan to pay for your parents cruise. You are so to be parents to 3 under 3 you will need every penny.

Go through all your texts if you still have them (old phones too) and check if there was any mention of loaning you the money or any mention of them wanting it back just in case you missed it. Be prepared to screenshot requests for the wedding extras you mention.

I personally think they have made a rough assessment of your current finances and think you are doing both alright, so you can give the money back they spent.

You need to explain that you both thought it was a contribution to a family wedding and that you don't have that kind of cash if they have now changed their minds.

How unfortunate.
Look back over any correspondence and also recall conversations about the dress etc.
Write down your clear memories, dates etc.

Show your parents all your recollections and ask where in all the communication did they once mention the word LOAN.
I don't think you owe them anything.
But you don't weant a terrible relationship do you?

In the mean time save what you can - even 1000 - and give that back to them (with documentation).
Next year forgo your holidays and pay that amount back to them.

Then I would tell your parents that you can not afford to repay any more money. Ask them to write the loan into their Will.

My parents did exactly the same thing. I was furious. Especially as we had three babies under two (surprise twins) and were on our arse financially when they moved the goal posts. Also, they invited almost half of the bloody guests because they had been so “generous”. I had messages thanking them for their very generous “gift” though. I sent them copies of all the messages and said that this was unacceptable. (They were loaded, so didn’t need it. They were just tight.) I told them to take it out of my inheritance - which they did, and then some. Golden child was given more than 3/4 of the estate after them subsidizing his existence well into his 40’s. Gross, petty people.

Nah - its tempting to think that by going along with this and somehow finding the money, you can save the relationship with your parents.. and also that it is your responsibility to do this.

It isn't, and you can't. They threw that relationship under a bus when they decided to try and screw that money out of you by claiming it was a loan.

IF it had been a loan there would have been a written agreement, repayment terms etc etc.

There was not, there is not, because it was a gift not a loan and they can go and fuck themselves and their fucking cruise. The absolute cunts.

This would be a horrific thing to do to a friend or aquaintance (not that you'd be likely to give an aquaintance that much money). To do it to their child is beyond the fucking pale.

How awful for you! What are they thinking? They had the wedding they wanted and now demand the money back. You're definitely not in the wrong.

They have looked at their finances and realised they can’t afford the lavish retirement they imagined so are taking it out on you by changing your agreement. How any parent could do this knowing your situation is beyond me. You have to stand your ground OP. Having them deduct the money from your inheritance is a fabulous idea, do not hand over any money to them!!

You could add up all the things you did that you only did because they wanted you to, then present them with that bill and only pay any difference between that and the 10k (if you can afford it).

But I would tend to go with the standing up to them and paying nothing option that most posters are suggesting. Their treatment of you over this is very poor. It’s like they don’t see you as an autonomous person at all. Letting them railroad you over the wedding was perhaps understandable when it seemed like it was a gift from them - but still insisting on guests you did not particularly want is pretty poor. Something that used to be normal when weddings were actually hosted by the parents but a controlling way of treating adult children, nevertheless. Standing up to them and being clear you aren’t prepared to roll over is an important part of separating yourself from them.

Was your parent’s gift mentioned in wedding speeches (to thank them for paying) or when you all caught up to socialise and discuss wedding plans, was there any mention that it was intended as a gift?

You've got 97 people out of 100 saying THEY are unreasonable. I totally agree.

They were pushing you to spend more on your wedding, they told you the money was still yours even though it was a UK venue, they never said "Pay us back in your own time" or anything else about a loan. In short, they acted as though they were gifting you the hog roast, the dress, etc, and never at any point suggested their contribution was not a gift!

They've changed their minds because they're nervous about the cost of their cruise, aren't they. To try and claw their holiday money back from your wedding is a horrible thing to do, and no wonder you're upset. Don't pay them.

As a PP said, the fallout may be horrible but they'll probably soften out in the end. What they're doing is so unpleasant, I think you should be prepared to let them go if they want to keep on about this. Just block them.

I feel for you. You had a lovely wedding; please don't let your ridiculous parents take the shine off it for you!

This is a very good point. If they didn't hand over any cash to you for you to decide how it was spent, then I agree it was neither a gift or a loan.

So ignore your parent's totally unreasonable, grubby demands.

Its more than 97 people, the fugure is a percentage, OP pay nothing unless they have got proof, not just their word, that you agreed to a loan.

So how much was the wedding all up? Was this the "cheap package"? What else did they pay for over and above that 10k...or am I being obtuse here? How much did all the extra guests and fancy food come to?

Frankly, it seems to me that none of you have much of a grasp of reality about money, and are incapable of discussion about it. Do you own a house? Do you have savings?
I get that your DH works hard as a tradie, but you take two holidays a year on one income? Your mother apparently has very little money in retirement but insists on a ludicrously expensive dress and veil? Has she ever actually worked? If your DF is taking early retirement but needs the money back for something as unnecessary as a cruise, he can't afford to retire. He can't afford luxuries. He needs to get a grip, as does your mother.

Your parents have crunched the numbers for your father’s early retirement and have decided that 10K will come in very handy indeed, and they got carried away spending so much on your wedding. As a result they are now rowing back on the agreement and rewriting the past.

It is not the actions of decent parents op, and regardless of how this turns out I expect you will see them in a different light now.

Be firm, and crystal clear and bring it up as soon as you can when you next see them. The money spent on the wedding was their idea, and was not a loan. I would acknowledge that they clearly regret some of the choices they made whilst upgrading your wedding to suit their requirements, but it’s too late now and you obviously won’t be repaying them, and would never have agreed to a loan.

Most/many parents contribute to the weddings of their children, it’s not unusual at all. It sounds like they wanted to show off in front of their friends, and now they don’t want to pay for it! Awful behaviour.

97% is 97 out of 100 ...

I’m afraid I’m with @WiddlinDiddlin . I wouldn’t pay a penny, I would laugh and pretend it was a joke every time they mentioned it, and I’d accept that my parents fundamentally don’t care very much about the relationship between you. That’s an extremely hard thing to realise about your own parents. Obviously I’m afraid you should never accept a penny from them again. The idea that most parents give their daughter £100 as a wedding present is particularly silly - on here that’s the kind of money people suggest as a present if you’re a distant cousin!

Just to say that I am the widowed parent of an only child, and my dp has just given his daughter a lump sum as a major contribution to her wedding, She’s currently doing well with a recent promotion and he’ll be retiring soon. It would never have crossed our minds to ask for the money back!

OP you have kids, if you did the same would you expect things to be the same between you afterwards?

My dad did similar to me with a flat deposit and literally saw me go without food to pay him back. It wasn’t for a mortgage it was for a rental deposit and a month upfront and was definitely offered as a gift, he knew how much I’d struggle to pay it back and didn’t need the money.

The relationship will never recover now, my dad has been dead 11 years and I still feel so much anger over it, if I’d known it wasn’t a gift I’d have saved longer and wouldn’t have spent the following year with no heating on and eating plain pasta and walking two miles to work and back in the rain because I couldn’t even afford the bus.
This was after giving my sister thousands as an actual gift but that’s a separate issue.

I’m in therapy and this is something that I spent quite a lot of time trying to get past, even if you pay back the money and try to stay on good terms you will resent the deception and struggling to find money so your parents can blow it on a cruise!

Please don’t give your parents any money, you will honestly hate them more in the future then if you stay firm and say no now. If you are forced to struggle whilst handing over money you didn’t ask for then you will become more and more angry and bitter. Fair enough if they desperately needed it but they are asking you to struggle so they can spend it lavishly without a second thought for you.

If you just say no and you don’t have it now then it might result in an falling out but that might be possible to come back from if you can get them to understand your point of view. If they don’t now then they might in the future but even if you do end up falling out then you will know that you were in the right - as this thread proves to you.

If you do pay it you’ll have a long period of time where you will struggle to pay it back and you might have a surface level relationship but underneath that bitterness and resentment will build and you’ll also be angry at yourself for allowing yourself to be treated in this way. You will see your kids going short whilst your parents don’t care and show you holiday photos, there is no way any relationship can survive this.

There is also the fact your husband will feel similar anger and that’s going to put strain on your relationship with each other.

Put your husband and kids first, they don’t deserve to come second to your greedy grabbing parents who used your wedding to show off.
I know it hurts, it’s fucking sickening and you have my complete sympathy. The way to solve this isn’t by giving money though, I’d do what a pp suggested and show them this thread.

Tell them you need a face-to-face meeting between them, you and your husband. Prepare carefully: write a list of times/issues where they either specifically said, or gave you the impression, that the money was a gift, not a loan.

For instance, if they weren’t paying for the wedding why did your dad think he had any say in what the menu was, or what musicians were there? (Your mum and the wedding dress is not so clear cut - maybe she just thought you looked better in the more expensive one. Did you say "but I can’t afford that"? Did she say "Don’t worry, I’m paying"?)

When you say your parents originally offered you £10k to get married abroad, do they agree that would have been a gift or are they saying that would have been a loan too?

Tell them outright that you just don’t have the money to repay them. You’re entitled to have family holidays. Taking out a loan is a bad idea as you’d end up paying so much extra in interest. Tell them that if they absolutely insist, you will have to set up a direct debit for what you can afford, e.g. £10 a week, and ask if that is what they really want, when it means you’ll have less to spend on their young grandchildren.

But it sounds to me as if there’s more to this than you’ve told us. Unless they are very hard-up, £100 seems a very low amount to spend in total on a daughter getting married. Have you recently made what they consider an extravagant purchase? Have you fallen out with them about something else?

It looks like they haven't got as much as they thought for their retirement doesn't it.no way should they ask for money back from you .surely they don't think a cruise is more important than their child's happiness and security. I would just say look guys.we had a good wedding but you paid more because you wanted to .we didn't ask.we can't afford to pay you back .it was never mentioned at all.

Gosh I think this is awful on their part. Obviously the excitement of the wedding made them want to show off to friends and family and now they are realising that they couldn't actually afford it. Not your problem. They are the ones who went all out beyond their means. As a side note, I would also be hurt that your plans werent good enough.
How stressful for your dh too especially with 3 babies in the house soon. If they do insist I would tell them I'll pay half over time. Definitely not the full amount because it was they overspent , not you. If they want to have any kind of relationship with their grandchildren they will surely see sense.

Do you text/ WhatsApp them at all if so I’d look back through messages from 3 or 4 years ago and see what you can find. Or look at messages to your husband at that time as I bet you messaged about the harpist etc and see what you have in writing. The £100 gift is very odd. If it was a loan and you’re an only child that’s a very small gift and if it was a gift it seems very strange they gave you a token gift like that too. Someone else asked if they were thanked in wedding speeches or something I think that’s a good question. They’ve behaved very poorly but it would be good if you can find something to prove it was a gift.

I just wouldn’t engage with this at all. Getting involved with some serious attempt to prove them wrong is pointless. It suggests that they made some kind of mistake and will understand if you give them evidence that they are mistaken. They’re just feeling emotions and have decided the emotions are reality. Unfortunately for you, the emotions are greed, envy and boredom,

This is just like when you were made to go and play with the annoying needy girl at primary school and she gives you her best toy to show off how many toys she has, which you didnt even want but she insists on you going home with, and then complains to her mum that you took the toy because she wants it back. They have just persuaded themselves that it’s their money even though they gave it away, because they want it. They ate the cake and now they want the cake. I’m afraid you don’t have much reality for them compared to their own immediate feelings. Ignore it.

@Alice19876 they are going to have a very sad and quiet christmas this year, arent they? for all their saying, you are our only child and little girl. pretty sure you would not have booked a harpist for your wedding off your own back! they are behaving terribly. tell them to take it out of your inheritance.

I think that it was their plan from the very beginning.

That makes it a 100% worse! A pre planned ‘loan’ to ensure they had a showy wedding and op would foot the bill eventually.

Op seems unusually worried about challenging them or falling out in any way too. It makes me question why as she should be safe to talk to them about anything.

They obviously regret giving you the money now. They can't make you pay it back. Don't take out a loan.