Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Money 'borrowed'

544 replies

Alice19876 · 28/08/2025 00:49

I got married three years ago. To my husband who is a tradie who works hard for our family while I stay home with our twins who are 18 months old.
I am very lucky to be a stay at home mom and my husband works very hard to provide for us we don't live beyond our means and have one holiday abroad a year and one year in England.
when we got engaged we planned a Cyprus wedding but due to Covid that fell apart and we lost about 1.5k in deposits.
due to this we decided to have a cheap uk wedding in December in a beautiful venue that does packages nothing I don't regret. Now here comes the issue, I'm an only child and when my parents were there during my engagement they was over the moon for me they even offered 10k to get married abroad and I was shocked but so thankful. But obviously due to Covid the wedding abroad it never went ahead. Since we moved the wedding to the uk and it coming a lot more my parents said it was ok the budget was still the same. While we paid other fees. ,then they made changes to the wedding ie the evening wedding food was a basic package but my dad wanted the upgrade to a hog roast which was 1.5k including other changes, my wedding dress they said not to worry so we went shopping for my dress I found a lovely one for £800 but my mom made me try on a 2.5k dress with a 1k veil and extras. But they reassured me, I'm their only child and little girl it's okay. Then added extras as their friends are coming, a harpist which they wanted etc so it came about 10k but we put the rest.

happy wedding and all good until yesterday. My parents informed me the wedding money they 'loaned' me they need back in a year. It wasn't ever a loan and I'm shocked. It's been 3 years and never mentioned once. My dad is taking early retirement this year which I don't blame him but they want the money to go on a cruise. As I mentioned I'm a stay at home mom to twins and also now another baby on the way. Where do I get this money from? When all along for 3 years plus the year before telling me not to worry. I feel sick, I have such a good relationship with my parents so I don't want this to affect our relationship. But I don't have a spare 10k they told me I shouldn't have gone on holiday this year and gave them the money instead but they have never mentioned this before!? If it was a loan it would've been paid back since we first got married. I can't sleep as I'm so worried. Aibu? Do I just take a loan out?

OP posts:
Mellymelson · 28/08/2025 00:53

What do they say when you tell them it was gift, not a loan?

CallMeFlo · 28/08/2025 00:55

Did you say to them that this is the first its ever been mentioned that it was a loan.

Id point out that not only would you not have gone with their expensive choices but you've no way of paying them £10k

Original poster
Alice19876 · 28/08/2025 00:56

Mellymelson · 28/08/2025 00:53

What do they say when you tell them it was gift, not a loan?

They said it wasn't ever a gift as our £100 gift card in our wedding card was a gift. I said I must've understood but it's only their word against ours regarding the money.

OP posts:
Original poster
Alice19876 · 28/08/2025 00:58

CallMeFlo · 28/08/2025 00:55

Did you say to them that this is the first its ever been mentioned that it was a loan.

Id point out that not only would you not have gone with their expensive choices but you've no way of paying them £10k

I have they mentioned a £100 gift card in our wedding card was the gift. They said it was never given to us and they need the money to book their next cruise. My husband is also rather mad as we don't have that spare money

OP posts:
Mellymelson · 28/08/2025 01:01

I wouldn’t be giving them any money at all, especially as a loan was never discussed and you would have probably made cheaper choices if it was a loan. It must burn to hear they’ll be ok with you taking out a loan for them to go on a cruise!

I understand you don’t want to fall out with them, but eventually I’m sure they’ll come around. The only avenue they have is to take you to court, and as there was no loan agreement (even verbal), they’ll be laughed out of court.

WilfredsPies · 28/08/2025 01:04

I think either way, your relationship with your parents will never be the same again. I’d be ready to fall out over this, I think. It’s insane to tell you that you shouldn’t have had holidays when you weren’t even aware that they’d changed their mind about the gift. You wouldn’t have even needed the money if they hadn’t been playing Lord & Lady Bountiful and demanding upgrades every time they wanted to show off.

You could take a loan out to pay them off, but tell them you hope their cruise is worth the damage that they’ve caused to your relationship. Personally, I’d tell them that I would be happy to give them every penny they were asking for, because if they felt that they could do that to me with not so much as a twinge of their conscience, then I wouldn’t want any part of their money connected to my wedding day. But it would be monthly instalments of whatever I could afford. And if they don’t like it, they could take me to small claims court. Find your anger!

WilfredsPies · 28/08/2025 01:06

Alice19876 · 28/08/2025 00:56

They said it wasn't ever a gift as our £100 gift card in our wedding card was a gift. I said I must've understood but it's only their word against ours regarding the money.

Show quote history

It’s only their word against yours that it was a loan. That works both ways. They’ve got no loan agreement and no communication referring to anything being a loan. What can they do?

And I’m not surprised your DH is mad, I hope he refuses to let them over the threshold in future.

Flossflower · 28/08/2025 01:12

You should definitely not be paying them a single penny. It sounds as though they decided what they wanted for your wedding and are now asking you to pay.
You need to tell them that these things were their ideas, not yours and you will not be paying them.

Greenscreennightmare · 28/08/2025 01:15

I think you're going to have to sit them down and say, look you never said this was a loan, and as I don't work I haven't a bob to spare, sorry (not sorry).

If they protest and say of course it was a loan, that was obvious, then say not to me it wasn't and regardless, I haven't any money, I'm not working I'm at home here looking after my babies, your grandchildren. You can't get blood from a stone.

I think they're being unfair and unkind to you, you say you have a good relationship, have there really never been any issues between you before? What is their attitude to money normally, are they savers or spenders? Do they like your DH?

Our DD got married recently and we gave her a similar amount of money but it absolutely was a gift, in fact we didn't give them a wedding present as that was it. We had a small amount saved but we didn't give it all to her, as we are conscious of nearing retirement and needing a small nest egg to fall back on.

HangerLaneGyratorySystem · 28/08/2025 01:20

Do they have form for this sort of behaviour? Do you have siblings and have they experienced similar issues? Do you normally get on well or are they manipulative? It just beggars belief they'd suddenly turn on you like this.

thebabayaga · 28/08/2025 01:24

Mellymelson · 28/08/2025 01:01

I wouldn’t be giving them any money at all, especially as a loan was never discussed and you would have probably made cheaper choices if it was a loan. It must burn to hear they’ll be ok with you taking out a loan for them to go on a cruise!

I understand you don’t want to fall out with them, but eventually I’m sure they’ll come around. The only avenue they have is to take you to court, and as there was no loan agreement (even verbal), they’ll be laughed out of court.

This.

Toomanyclothesinthecloset · 28/08/2025 01:30

I think this sums it up well

Bigcat25 · 28/08/2025 01:30

They've changed their minds and presenting otherwise. I would be calling themout on the extras, such as the dress and their friends which were their idea, and that you wouldn't have agreed to had they been clear on this from the start.

FullOfLemons · 28/08/2025 01:35

Surely it is more typical for parents to pay for some or all of their child’s wedding rather than lend them money for it.

Just tell them you didn’t think it was a loan and either way the money has been spent and so cannot pay them back.

thebabayaga · 28/08/2025 01:36

And if they keep trying to rip you off send them a link to this thread.

tachetastic · 28/08/2025 01:37

Oh my goodness @Alice19876, how awful.

Like pp has said, your relationship with your parents will never be the same after this.

I would be honest and tell them how much stress this is causing you, and then set up a payment plan where you pay them 50 quid a month direct into their bank account (or less, whatever you can afford) and cut off all communication with them until they apologise or the so-called loan is paid off in nearly 20 years. If they want to be repaid more quickly let them take you to the small claims court, but if you have made a goodwill gesture I doubt they'll get more.

And even if they offer to waive the "loan" now I would still pay it back slowly and over time, and never take another penny. The way they have behaved is appalling.

LancashireButterPie · 28/08/2025 01:39

Oh Lord, they encouraged you to spend above your means and now they are charging you?
They are deranged.
We have saved for years for our DC weddings, it's just what parents do.
I'd be tempted to cut all ties but that way you'd probably miss out on an inheritance too.

PyongyangKipperbang · 28/08/2025 01:48

Alice19876 · 28/08/2025 00:58

I have they mentioned a £100 gift card in our wedding card was the gift. They said it was never given to us and they need the money to book their next cruise. My husband is also rather mad as we don't have that spare money

Show quote history

Do nothing.

Simply put, they overspent and then decided that they wanted to do something expensive and decided that their donations to your wedding was a loan.

You dont owe them a penny, and I say that as a parent as the same age as yours (ish).

Figcherry · 28/08/2025 01:50

Tell them you never agreed it was a loan and you won't be paying the money back.
If you put anything in writing eg a payment plan or acceptance it was a loan then they could legally make you pay.

Don't pay.
My 2 adult dc have been both given and loaned money and we were always clear which was which.

Your parents behaviour is shocking.

Meg8 · 28/08/2025 01:51

DH and I have two DDs and financed both their weddings totalling about £35k. They never asked for it, and would have managed themselves, but we had the money and it gave us great pleasure. We've given them both other monies too at times of need. Never in a million years would we ask for any of it back.

We are fortunately not in need of it for ourselves.

We have occasionally also made them smaller loans to help out at times of need and sometimes they've paid them back when they could afford it and at other times we've told them not to bother.

Hold fast, OP, and make it clear that you never (NEVER) had any thought that it was a loan and if you had known that you would have refused it, plus would not have spent so much on the dress and reception, let alone invite people that you hadn't considered inviting. If they are able to produce some evidence that they had said it was a loan then you'd have to consider that possibility, but it would not be enforecable legally and would ruin your relationship and possibly their relationship with their GC.

I can't imagine why they are doing this for the sake of an expensive cruise. We're hoping to go on our third such cruise next year but it's all been budgetted and they know it..

By being open, my DDs also know that if they needed money in future they could still ask us - but tbh we are spending it on ourselves now, with their blessing.

Hold firm on this - it is unreasonable of them.

Onthemaintrunkline · 28/08/2025 01:51

This is dreadful, and what a very unpleasant shock to have been told this. - And this is 3 yrs further on!
Maddening your Mum encouraging the purchase of a more expensive wedding dress, your Dad altering the catering, and both of them increasing the guest list.

I understand yr husbands feelings. Also you not wanting to have an all and all falling out. If yr parents insist on repayment, the only way, as I see, around it is to pay an agreed amount to them each month.

Sadly tho, this probably has impacted negatively on your relationship, and that’s such a pity. Be very cautious regarding money and yr parents in future!

Fidgetybit · 28/08/2025 01:57

So your parents think it acceptable to suddenly demand payment of a loan only they knew about just so they can go on a cruise?

OP, you need to calmly remind them that they not only offered to pay for elements of the wedding, but decided to choose the more expensive versions and also invited their own friends, which you would not have done if you knew you had to pay for it yourself.

Then tell them that if they persist in their shabby behaviour, you will not be seeing them again and will not be around when they need help when they are older. Remind them that they will be the ones missing out from being in their only child's life and that of their only grandchildren for the sake of wanting to go on a cruise.

Stand firm OP. Do not pay them a penny.

MrsDoombsPatterson · 28/08/2025 02:05

It sounds like neither a gift not a loan. It sounds as if you were never in possession of the £10k. Your parents simply chose things and paid for them, in other words, they entered a load of contracts they wanted to enter and paid for them. If the money was a "loan" to you, then there would have been clear intention of this being the case, and presumably you would have been in control of the loan and clear as to the terms of repayment. If it had been a gift, again, presumably you would have been in receipt of the money with full control over how to use it. Sounds to me like your parents bought and paid for a wedding they wanted, and you were allowed to partake in it.

Shewasafaireh · 28/08/2025 02:21

Old me would be like “pay them and then never talk to them again” but I’ve always regretted every single instance that I felt I “had” to pay even though there was no legal obligation.

Do you have a genuinely good relationship with them or has this been a good-as-long-as-it’s-their-way relationship?

AbzMoz · 28/08/2025 02:39

This is all v strange. Did they ask in-person or via text? I wonder if they somehow resent you’re a sahm? Or are criticising / making assumptions your spending in other areas?

Id stand firm that you never understood this to be a loan and are they sure that’s what they believe and want pursue knowing your current family financial situation? If they say yes then reply with what a reasonable payment plan looks like for you and make clear the impact this will have on your family finances “ok as a SAHM we can direct my modest pension or the junior isas into this but otherwise there is no budget”. Alternatively you could ask your parents for suggestions on which family members or that DH’s parents might be able to help on your unexpected loan so they can take their cruise - I would be fairly sure that they be embarrassed if others knew they were not only rescinding their ‘generosity’ (did they take credit on the day?) but wanted to push a young family into a difficult financial position for a holiday.

Do not take a loan out for this or get into debt with a bank or other lender.