Money 'borrowed'

[Alice19876]

I got married three years ago. To my husband who is a tradie who works hard for our family while I stay home with our twins who are 18 months old.
I am very lucky to be a stay at home mom and my husband works very hard to provide for us we don't live beyond our means and have one holiday abroad a year and one year in England.
when we got engaged we planned a Cyprus wedding but due to Covid that fell apart and we lost about 1.5k in deposits.
due to this we decided to have a cheap uk wedding in December in a beautiful venue that does packages nothing I don't regret. Now here comes the issue, I'm an only child and when my parents were there during my engagement they was over the moon for me they even offered 10k to get married abroad and I was shocked but so thankful. But obviously due to Covid the wedding abroad it never went ahead. Since we moved the wedding to the uk and it coming a lot more my parents said it was ok the budget was still the same. While we paid other fees. ,then they made changes to the wedding ie the evening wedding food was a basic package but my dad wanted the upgrade to a hog roast which was 1.5k including other changes, my wedding dress they said not to worry so we went shopping for my dress I found a lovely one for £800 but my mom made me try on a 2.5k dress with a 1k veil and extras. But they reassured me, I'm their only child and little girl it's okay. Then added extras as their friends are coming, a harpist which they wanted etc so it came about 10k but we put the rest.

happy wedding and all good until yesterday. My parents informed me the wedding money they 'loaned' me they need back in a year. It wasn't ever a loan and I'm shocked. It's been 3 years and never mentioned once. My dad is taking early retirement this year which I don't blame him but they want the money to go on a cruise. As I mentioned I'm a stay at home mom to twins and also now another baby on the way. Where do I get this money from? When all along for 3 years plus the year before telling me not to worry. I feel sick, I have such a good relationship with my parents so I don't want this to affect our relationship. But I don't have a spare 10k they told me I shouldn't have gone on holiday this year and gave them the money instead but they have never mentioned this before!? If it was a loan it would've been paid back since we first got married. I can't sleep as I'm so worried. Aibu? Do I just take a loan out?

Tell them it was clearly a gift and you're not going to repay them. Really consider if you want people who would act like this in your lives, they have no integrity.

You’re not in the wrong.

Your parents have tainted your relationship for ever more.

They are fools.

So their only gift was £100 from your parents really ! Some guests spend more than that ! Nah me thinks daddy needs the money as he’s taken an early retirement he can’t afford . Bloody cheek tell them you were never informed it was a loan and the extras they insisted on weren’t your idea I’m sure they are not going to fall out with their only child and jeopardise them seeing their only grandchildren

Thinking further into it….

If Dad is taking early retirement, that £10k is probably only a few extra months work. Even after tax!

Just why would you fall out with your only DD over a few months work.

Delay plans for six months.

Some people have suggested paying a small amount back each month . Please DON'T do that as if you make payments it is evidence that you accept there was a loan so if your parents take it further they can use the repayments you make as evidence that the money was a loan.

As others have said, read back on all the text and messages exchanged at the time and screenshot them.

Be careful about what you say in text messages to them.

If you don't own a house or have lots of savings the reality is that they can't recover the money even if anyone was satisfied it was a loan.

Hope you can put this to one side and focus on your pregnancy and health . It will undoubtedly affect the ongoing relationship between your DH and them and therefore their relationship with the GC all for the sake of a cruise

He isn’t going to fall out with his dd though, as he is banking on op caving, and paying it back. And being embarrassed that she got it ‘wrong’. They are gas lighting op to believe they had said it was a loan all along, and they know how avoidant she is - as they raised her that way - fait accompli

A master stroke of dictating the wedding and ensuring it was lavish without having to pay for it. It’s now being recast as a ‘misunderstanding’

“I'm an only child”
So your parents, having insisted in an expensive evening do, and an expensive wedding dress and veil, are now demanding money that you had not unreasonably assumed was their contribution towards your wedding. I can’t believe they’d do this when you have twins and another baby on the way. They do know that legally, they don’t have a leg to stand on? Would they really be prepared to fall out with their only daughter and lose contact with their grandchildren, all to be able to go on a cruise? It’s not as though they need the money for vital house repairs, or health care. Sorry, OP, but your dear parents are being astonishingly unreasonable, and your DH is entirely justified in being angry with them. As for what to do about it, tell them there is no loan agreement; you are not in a position to give them the money that you and your DH had assumed was a gift, so they’d better knock it off your inheritance.

It's quite pedantic to correct this.......but I love it 🙂🙂

What - so they can post their version? 😉

Yes this.

I understand that you don't want your relationship to be affected but it is, either way, and that is the result of their shitty behaviour and nothing you've done.

You have two options: you stand up to them and remind them that it was never a loan and refuse to pay any money to them. The other option is to cave into their terrible behaviour and place you and your husband and children into serious financial difficulty.

There is no way I'd be paying them anything.

I'm so sorry they've decided to treat you like this, OP.

This is mad op! Have never heard anything like it. I really do think you need to stand your ground here and say no! It was never, ever mentioned as being a loan, if it was, you wouldn’t have taken it because you knew you were planning to have a family and so would be on reduced income. They offered it as a gift, you accepted it as such. End of.
We have both loaned and gifted dd money. We were all totally aware of which was which!

Op you are going to have to have an awkward conversation with them and be clear it was not a loan. Do not pay them back.

I echo many other posters’ thoughts.

Another possibility is that they feel they are entitled to a certain standard of retirement and that it’s the daughter’s responsibility to provide it. If this is the case, and you give them 10k, then they will continue to expect similar amounts on a regular basis. ‘You can afford it. Your husband is earning well. It’s your responsibility. We paid for your wedding so it’s the least you can do’.

Point out all the things they wanted and not you. You did it because they were paying for it. You don't have the money and cant pay it back as it was their choice.

Your parents sound awful. You were choosing cheaper options for a budget wedding and they encouraged you to go for the more expensive options and add unnecessary extras such as the harpist and the hog roast by telling you that you are their only child and it was OK.

It sounds as though they conned you into having a more extravagent wedding for show and so that their friends could be invited and have now completely moved the goal posts.

I would speak to a solicitor to double check the legal position which hopefully will be that you don't owe them anything, and I would then stop seeing them.

Do not take out a loan, do not pay them back. This was quite clearly a gift and 3 years later they are now wanting money and looking to your husband to give it to them. You are not earning money, he is. Any loan would be under his name as you don't have an income.

As suggested above if you ever messaged them rather than talking look back at whatsapp, it allows you to search in messages, I mean surely the harpist was mentioned by either you, your Dh or your parents.

Your relationship is forever tainted by this. I would stand firm and put it in writing to them stating this is the first time they have ever mentioned wanting paying back and it has been 3 years since you were married. You believed, as did your Dh, that this was a gift as their only child and daughter and that you are shocked they have now said it was a loan. Do not mention anything about not being able to pay them back, just that it was received as a gift. I mean it has been 3 years, you have twins and are pregnant again. This is appalling behaviour by them.

Have they ever done anything like this before?

This!! No way would I be giving it back, I’d go around and say what the fuck were you thinking? You never said or acted like this was a loan!! Dad - you wanted the hog roast!! That was 1.5k! Id have said over my dead body if you hadn’t said you were paying! Mum I had an £800 dress picked out and you wanted me to upgrade to £3000!! What the fuck?? Then you wait till I’m a stay at home mum to twins to say it wasn’t a gift and we need it back?!! You know perfectly bloody well it was always a gift and I don’t know what’s happened since, we are the hog roast and used the other extras you here so keen on but you can have my wedding dress, that’s all I have to give you. My husband is furious so thanks for that too.

And leave.

We *ate the hog roast obviously!

I’d get a loan and pay them back and never trust them in any way again.

It is appalling no two ways about it. Greedy boomers.

What a horrible situation. I would tell them that they said it was a loan and that they talked you into extras you were happy to do without. I've never heard of parents lending money towards a wedding. And surely they can see that you haven't got £10000 to spare? It's hard to understand their reasoning. They can't force you to pay them anything but it's very sad that they are willing to risk your relationship with them for the sake of a cruise.

I would simply say no

it was never mentioned to be a loan and you would not have accepted all the changes and added costs they instigated if it had been. You took the money in good faith as a gift as a loan was never mentioned nor the terms of it discussed.

simple

Do not, under any circumstances, take out a loan! And don’t use your children as ammunition in this situation either…….that would only portray you and your DH as being just as mean spirited as your parents.

Tell them, point blank, there was no mention during the wedding planning that the money they were spending was a loan. Emphasise that you had made your choices but they overruled you and they wanted ‘bigger’, ‘better’, and ‘flashier’ simply to impress their friends.

Explain that you do not have any money spare but if they are so desperate to go on the cruise they might consider going to the bank and borrowing money for themselves.

I suspect that they see your DH doing a great job, earning a decent salary to pay the mortgage, pay the bills, provide for wife and little family and decided to leach off the pair of you.

For it to be a loan they have to say, this is a loan and it needs to be repaid by x date. They can't give you £10,000 and encourage you to spend it, then ask for it back 3 years later! Just tell them they can't do that. Don't repay them. You would never have spent £10,000 on a wedding using your own money.

I would tell them you dont have the money, and ask why the hell wasnt they clear it was a loan and youd of had a much small budget if you knew it was a loan.
if you dont want to fall out with them offer a payment plan that you can afford - do not make it so your robbing peter to pay paul. This is completely their own fault for not being clear.