Money 'borrowed'

[Alice19876]

I got married three years ago. To my husband who is a tradie who works hard for our family while I stay home with our twins who are 18 months old.
I am very lucky to be a stay at home mom and my husband works very hard to provide for us we don't live beyond our means and have one holiday abroad a year and one year in England.
when we got engaged we planned a Cyprus wedding but due to Covid that fell apart and we lost about 1.5k in deposits.
due to this we decided to have a cheap uk wedding in December in a beautiful venue that does packages nothing I don't regret. Now here comes the issue, I'm an only child and when my parents were there during my engagement they was over the moon for me they even offered 10k to get married abroad and I was shocked but so thankful. But obviously due to Covid the wedding abroad it never went ahead. Since we moved the wedding to the uk and it coming a lot more my parents said it was ok the budget was still the same. While we paid other fees. ,then they made changes to the wedding ie the evening wedding food was a basic package but my dad wanted the upgrade to a hog roast which was 1.5k including other changes, my wedding dress they said not to worry so we went shopping for my dress I found a lovely one for £800 but my mom made me try on a 2.5k dress with a 1k veil and extras. But they reassured me, I'm their only child and little girl it's okay. Then added extras as their friends are coming, a harpist which they wanted etc so it came about 10k but we put the rest.

happy wedding and all good until yesterday. My parents informed me the wedding money they 'loaned' me they need back in a year. It wasn't ever a loan and I'm shocked. It's been 3 years and never mentioned once. My dad is taking early retirement this year which I don't blame him but they want the money to go on a cruise. As I mentioned I'm a stay at home mom to twins and also now another baby on the way. Where do I get this money from? When all along for 3 years plus the year before telling me not to worry. I feel sick, I have such a good relationship with my parents so I don't want this to affect our relationship. But I don't have a spare 10k they told me I shouldn't have gone on holiday this year and gave them the money instead but they have never mentioned this before!? If it was a loan it would've been paid back since we first got married. I can't sleep as I'm so worried. Aibu? Do I just take a loan out?

I think you need to tell them they did not once say that money was a loan and you wouldn't have accepted it / wouldn't have spent so much if it were and you were led by them to spend money you wouldn't otherwise have chosen to spend.

They have obviously changed their mind after realising they don't have money to go on a cruise while you were having a holiday abroad. It's
not fair on your DH either given he's the once who works and would be paying it back.

It's really unfair of them and either way this will affect your relationship but I think being direct is the best way.

Have you said to them that it’s clear they did t make it clear it was a loan as they kept encouraging you to get more expensive items because they would cover it.

If you’d known it was a loan you’d have stuck to what you wanted - not what they wanted to pay for.

I'd be livid like your DH. It's very clear you wouldn't have progressed with half the stuff at the wedding if they hadn't insisted on them. If they keep doubling down on the loan and you don't have any proof – texts, emails – that they gave you the money as a gift, I'd be inclined to deduct all extras they ordered from the £10k and offer them a much lower amount as a final settlement.

Then I think I'd have to go NC, parents or not. What they are doing is so shady and they've spoiling the memory of your wedding day, as well as taking money they know you don't have, which will impact your twins, their grandchildren. All for a bloody cruise. I couldn't forgive them, frankly.

The relationship is dead if they push this either way. You accepted the money in good faith. Do not pay them back.

Awful people. I agree with posters saying that it was clearly intended as a gift but now they fancy a cruise they've decided to rewrite history at your expense. I bet when they were showing off about your lovely wedding they were happy for guests to understand that they generously paid/hosted.

This is just the sort of stunt my late MIL (also very comfortably off) would have pulled.

Just say no, it was never a loan, they never told you that and you can't afford to pay them back and you aren't going to. The fact that they've changed their minds is not your problem and you've more important things to be concerned about like your own children's wellbeing and happiness, not them stropping about a silly cruise.

They sound like such a pair of cunts. Imagine doing that to your daughter. I wouldn't have anything to do with them.

What awful people. Don’t give them a penny. Yes, it’s their word against yours but you know it was a gift.

Has something happened? Are they angry about something? Do they expect you to visit more? Do they not like that you are pregnant? Do they complain that they don’t see grandkids enough?

None of this justifies their behaviour, but I bet they are using the money as an excuse to punish you.

I would say no because I couldn't raise those kind of funds in a year and even if I could it would be at the detriment to something else which would be probably be my children. the idea they could do this too you over a cruise is a pretty sad state of affairs.
What are they going to do? Not speak to there only daughter or only grandchildren ever again? Not see you at Christmas or other family events.

Oh!

Exactly this.

When is ever paying fur a wedding NOT a gift?!

I would say you:

• we thought this was a gift and would never have made choices we did if not
• account things like hog roast to them (and any other choices they made)
• with remainder, say we can’t afford to repay anything other than eg £300per annum

Yup, this. Do not give them any money back, if it was a loan they should have said at the time (and you would have spent it in more prudent ways). I’m sorry that this is likely going to ruin your relationship with them op.

I would also point out that you feel deceived and misled - and with it incredibly upset

This!

I think lots of people do this - make generous offers but when reality hits, they regret it. You see it with grandparents offering lots of childcare before the baby is born, but then realising it is hard work and curtails their retirement plans! They want the 'high' of being generous but not the reality of carrying it out!

Whatever happens now, your parents have damaged the relationship. If you gave them back the money you'd resent it and rightly so. I'd refuse to enter into justification with them as to why this money wasn't a loan - it obviously wasn't. I'd just say that they paid for the changes they wanted to have and that's the end of it!

I think when you look back you might realise there are more instances where they've behaved badly and now your eyes are more open to seeing what you've explained away before.

Any text messages or emails regarding gifting you the money. Or any conversations where mutual friends or family may have heard?

Yes they obviously got carried away at the time but they are now regretting it. Tough luck!

Make sure you tell them the truth about how you feel and remind them in writing all the extras they insisted on paying for.

I wouldn’t offer to pay it back either as you are not in a position to do so.

Is there one parent who is driving this more than the other? Can you have a word with them separately and get them to admit what really happened?

It’s quite unbelievable after three years.

@Alice19876 This is absolutely outrageous of your parents. I am in the fortunate position to be able to gift my children money. I have also been able to make an interest-free loan. The difference between the two was that before they got the loan we had already scheduled the repayments and knew what was going to be paid each month.

If your parents had expected repayments from the start they would have made this clear. Obviously you would not have agreed to all of the excesses they suggested. They have been 3 years without a repayment and now they are regretting it because they want a cruise.

I feel sad for you that they have played you like this. I would either remind them that it was a gift, that there was nothing in writing to prove a loan, OR agree to repay at £10 or £ 20 a month. They have really ruined your relationship.

And when they produce the loan agreement you signed, you can begin to pay.

Ridiculous.

This 100%
Why waste so much money on a wedding . You didnt work and then must have planned the pregnancy. It sound slike you have no savings.
All in all just spend spend spend ...then plan later seems to be the theme.
I would offer to pay back a affordable payment each month. Even if just like 100. Or accept the relationship will never be the same again.

Tell them they can take the 10k out of your inheritance 😂

Tell them you would have never had all of THEIR friends at your wedding or the hog on a spit or a more expensive wedding dress if the money they expressly told you was a gift was not a gift at all.

Ask if you need to be aware of any other cognitive issues they are having.

Your parents wanted to be thanked for their contributions to your wedding and now it’s over they want their contributions back. It doesn’t work like that.

Did you thank your parents in a speech?

You have your own family now. Your responsibilities are to your nuclear family - being your children and your husband.

Tell your parents you need some time to yourself to process their change in behaviour.

Don’t give them a cent. Just cut contact for now. Make your own plans for Christmas. Consider their actions a rift in your relationship with them.

It would be very unusual for otherwise good, decent parents to suddenly do something so utterly unreasonable. Surely if it was a loan they'd have mentioned when it needed to be paid back by? Many parents contribute financially to their children's weddings, so why on earth would you have assumed this was a loan? Are you sure that, apart from this, they are really an entirely positive part of your life? They seemed to meddle quite a lot in the wedding plans, for a start.

Hold form OP. Was it your mum or dad who is now saying it was 'loan'.
Agree that they are feeling upset that there money isn't going to go as far as they thought and are regretting past expenditure ( but this is not anything to do with you).
My parent have done something similar ( I am an only child too). My dad always talked about a pot of money he had saved for me and would boast about this ( to his friends). At first it was for when i turned 21, then he would give it for a wedding and then for house deposit. However each of those mile stones came and went. He had taken early retirement too, so I think it was a case of what he wanted to do vs the reality. ( just glad he never gave anything and then wanted it back like you . )
I have noticed that he is very influenced by others so when he is with his sister or a family friend who had paid for my cousins weddings and helped with house deposit he suddenly says he will make a grad money gesture but over time this gets less. Its not that I expect help but it's the potential giving and then silently withdrawing the offer.
Are there any other family members you could explain the situation too who might have some influence over your parents

It won't be the same even if she does give them back the money, so she might as well do what is best for her. This is a problem of the parents own making and OP shouldn't allow them to make it her problem to fix. She will always be hurt by what they've done here.