Money 'borrowed'

[Alice19876]

I got married three years ago. To my husband who is a tradie who works hard for our family while I stay home with our twins who are 18 months old.
I am very lucky to be a stay at home mom and my husband works very hard to provide for us we don't live beyond our means and have one holiday abroad a year and one year in England.
when we got engaged we planned a Cyprus wedding but due to Covid that fell apart and we lost about 1.5k in deposits.
due to this we decided to have a cheap uk wedding in December in a beautiful venue that does packages nothing I don't regret. Now here comes the issue, I'm an only child and when my parents were there during my engagement they was over the moon for me they even offered 10k to get married abroad and I was shocked but so thankful. But obviously due to Covid the wedding abroad it never went ahead. Since we moved the wedding to the uk and it coming a lot more my parents said it was ok the budget was still the same. While we paid other fees. ,then they made changes to the wedding ie the evening wedding food was a basic package but my dad wanted the upgrade to a hog roast which was 1.5k including other changes, my wedding dress they said not to worry so we went shopping for my dress I found a lovely one for £800 but my mom made me try on a 2.5k dress with a 1k veil and extras. But they reassured me, I'm their only child and little girl it's okay. Then added extras as their friends are coming, a harpist which they wanted etc so it came about 10k but we put the rest.

happy wedding and all good until yesterday. My parents informed me the wedding money they 'loaned' me they need back in a year. It wasn't ever a loan and I'm shocked. It's been 3 years and never mentioned once. My dad is taking early retirement this year which I don't blame him but they want the money to go on a cruise. As I mentioned I'm a stay at home mom to twins and also now another baby on the way. Where do I get this money from? When all along for 3 years plus the year before telling me not to worry. I feel sick, I have such a good relationship with my parents so I don't want this to affect our relationship. But I don't have a spare 10k they told me I shouldn't have gone on holiday this year and gave them the money instead but they have never mentioned this before!? If it was a loan it would've been paid back since we first got married. I can't sleep as I'm so worried. Aibu? Do I just take a loan out?

Why pay back anything?

If she pays back any money it’s admission of the debt.

This is terrible advice.

Don't do this! It would be OP agreeing thay this was a loan when there is no such agreement. If she did they they would absolutely have a case at Small Claims

Your parents are behaving very badly. Is it just your dad who has asked, or your mum too?

who gives £100 as a gift to their only dc, when they clearly had enough money to give you 10k.

A contract can be in writing, verbal or inferred by the conduct of the parties.

You don’t have to pay anything.

It’s not your word against theirs it’s their word against you now. There’s zero evidence that this was ever a loan.

I think you are finally seeing your parents for who they are.

I'd tell them they never mentioned it being a loan,but if they are really desperate to have it,you can only afford £10 a month.

Bloody hell. Great way to decimate the relationship with your child 👏

I would say that the only way for them to get the money back will be via instalments. Work out how much you can afford to pay them each month and pay it off that way.

This is terrible on your parents. Pay them nothing. I think this has damaged for your relationship with them and broken your husband’s trust in them. Is this because you had a holiday and they want to go on a cruise?

I bet the OP thanked her parents in a speech at her wedding. No one gives a thank you speech for £100.

Your parents are awful people!!

They want the money back that they gifted you to go on a cruise?!

There was a caller on Dave Ramsey in basically the same position as you. He said the family who loaned/ gifted the money have no legal stading so you either 1. Tell them they are being completely unreasonable and refuse to pay but obviously they wont like it and you will have to deal with that or 2. Save up a lump sum over the foreseeable and pay them back once you've got it and probably never speak to them again.
Its disgusting that your parents have put you in this position as a young family. You have every right to be furious.

Agree. Say no, I don't have any money!

Now what would Judge Rinder be saying about this!

Unbelievably awful.

I feel so bad for you as your relationship will never be the same. They've decided to ruin their relationship with their only daughter for the sake of a cruise. That's despicable. Just tell them straight.

Parents, I love you and am devastated that you have backtracked on what I thought was a loving gesture from my parents who kept reminding me "not to worry about the price as I'm your only daughter". You made it clear that this was a gift or we would never have chosen the more expensive items that you kept insisting on, the added extras that you wanted and the extra guests that you invited and would have stuck to the budget that we could manage.

As you are aware, I am not in a position to give you any money for your cruise as I am a stay at home Mum with another baby on the way.

Don't apologise, don't be made to feel like you need to contribute. They are in the wrong. No wonder your husband is upset too. What are they thinking? How can your relationship ever be the same again? I couldn't be around them after this, I'd be so hurt. They need to apologise.

Given you're their only daughter, they're going to regret treating you like this in their old age.

I'm sorry this has been inflicted on you. It's so hurtful. But stick to your guns, they should be ashamed of themselves.

What a lot of entitled people saying dont pay your parents back!! No dont pay them back cut them off and let them rot in old age, you chose to spend £10000 on a wedding your choice your life......never a lender or a borrower be is how i was brought up,

You know you didn't misunderstand. Your parents are changing the script hoping you will fall for their BS out of guilt and a sense of duty.

Look at what they are saying. DF is retiring and instead of tightening their belts to allow for less income, they admit they want you to pay them back...so they can go on a cruise. Oh, and then they shame you for having a holiday because you owe them money!

You don't. A loan agreement is clearly worded so both parties know exactly how much money was lent/borrowed, what the repayment terms are, and a clear timeline for settlement. Both parties sign it. You didn't sign anything. Your parents paid for the wedding they wanted you to have and three years later they want their money back? What disgraceful, greedy people they are.

I don't think I could bear to look at my wedding photos again if I was you. Do not borrow money to pay this back. Save up for a vow renewal with your DH and have the wedding you originally wanted, with your beautiful DC there. This is your family.

Do you know which parent is instigating the repayment, or is it both? If just one, maybe have a word with the other and get their perspective on it.
I would not pay the money back, just say you don’t have it, you believed it was a gift. How was it given to you? Bank transfer, cheque? If bank transfer what did it say in the details, i.e. Loan, wedding gift?
My parents gift me money for IHT avoidance every year and put the narrative as tax free gift in the bank transfer so that shows on my statements.
Definitely do not offer to pay anything back, you simply don’t have it.

@Alice19876 I would be writing a letter to your parents to make it clear that when they agreed to pay for the wedding, they did not ever mention that it was only a loan, and had they said that, then under no circumstances would you have agreed.

I'd then go on to highlight your "evidence" that the money was a gift e.g. they wanted a hog roast which they paid for, they paid for a harpist, they insisted on a more expensive dress etc... all things you were clear you didn't need but they insisted on.

I'd then finish by saying that it is unfair to suddenly say that the money was a loan instead of a gift when it was clearly a gift, and as there is no evidence of the money being anything other than a gift, you are very surprised and disappointed that they are now trying to get the money back.

I'd then conclude saying you don't want to fall out over this, but you won't be paying any money to them as you don't owe them anything.

I’d be very annoyed at this. My response would be as follows:
”Hey mum and dad, at no point did you say the money you paid towards the wedding was a loan, and if that had been the case we would have made very different choices around the wedding. We don’t have spare money to give you for your cruise - we are already finding day to day living financially challenging with your grandchildren to raise. I’m sorry you feel this way, but we won’t be giving you any money.”
They then have 2 choices - accept what you say and move on, make a big deal of it. In order to force you to give them the money they would have to take you to court and prove that it was a loan. Their word against yours wouldn’t suffice, they’d need proof such as a loan agreement. Doing such a thing would obviously alienate you from them and that would include not being able to see their grandchildren. Are they prepared to take that risk?
‘I’m sorry they’ve put you in this position. Hold your ground and tell them no!

Ha! I was just thinking this sounds like a Judge Judy case, and then I read your post!

That’s awful.. I’d say there was no mention of it being a loan and if it was, you wouldn’t have agreed to their requests to spend more on the wedding. Tell them if they want it back you’ll deduct those amounts and you’ll need to pay it back in installments as you don’t have it sitting around. I’m not sure if you have siblings to talk to.. but this will affect your relationship with them. My ex mil lent my ex h about £1k years before we met (he was a teenager and it was the late 80s) to buy a car. She had given more money to his sibling and he never had to pay it back but just after we married she randomly asked for it back in one lump. It wasn’t my debt and I had no idea about it and it was about 10 years previous. We gave it to her but it wasn’t like she needed it right there and then and it did feel unfair how one sibling had to pay it back but the other didn’t.. despite that sibling earning way more. But we couldn’t argue because my ex h knew it was a loan and tbh he should have paid it back in installments before he met me!

I only give my adult child money or make it clear if it’s a loan. Mine doesn’t like borrowing money so it’s rare - I’m more likely to buy something they need and they pay me back. I usually don’t ask for the full amount because I’m more comfortable at my stage of life and they work hard and are not frittering money away. I like to help and they don’t take advantage of that.

They gave their only DD a £100 gift card for her wedding?

This cannot be the only example of their awful behaviour, people don't change that much. Why now?

I would just say ' what are you talking about, you wanted us to have a fancy wedding! It's 3 years later! We can't pay you back especially as we don't owe you anything!"

Invite your dh parents to the family meeting. It's a massive ask, them wanting to take ?£10k off you, at least without interest.

I think when you suggest a big family meeting they will back the fuck down.

I wouldn't give them anything. They never said it was a loan, no terms were ever agreed. They can't just decide that you need to find £10,000 to give them in the next year for a cruise. I know you say you have a good relationship but they are either very cruel or just ignorant to the current climate to think a SAHP to young DC and a tradie can just magic up £10,000 in a year without it causing them significant difficulty. I could never do this to my DC, I wouldn't even do it if I was desperate for the money, doing it to go on a cruise makes it even worse.

I’m speechless, I couldn’t just read and run, but I’m just can’t get my head round it.

as others have said. Just point out that it was them that wanted the extras and whereas you really enjoyed it all, you would never have had all that if you were paying, you booked the basic and was happy with the cheaper dress but no they then booked the hog roast they said the dress was on them they wanted extra guests.

im sorry but just asking you for the money and setting a unrealistic time frame (I have children with young families no way could they find that sort of money) the damage is done for your relationship with them. Tell them not to spend another penny on you or your children but don’t pay anything back to them.

send them the comments people have put on here, and go and play with your babies, don’t give them another thought