To think that not toilet training your child is seriously irresponsible?

[SnugShaker]

I keep seeing stories about kids starting school still in nappies and I just don’t understand how that happens. Barring medical or developmental issues, surely toilet training is a basic part of parenting?

I get that every child is different but isn’t it neglectful to send a child into the world without such a fundamental skill? Interested to hear different perspectives, am I being too harsh or is this genuinely a problem?

But many of the parents here (including me) successfully trained their older children at a younger age. I had one child who didn't get it, and training him was far, far more effort than training his older sister.
In one case there was a week of high effort, followed by a week of being very careful when out and about followed by being more or less relaxed from them on.

With the other, there was a week of high effort, followed by another week of high effort, repeated every couple of months, followed by seeking out expert advice and putting that in place (lots more effort) and trying to balance following that advice with dealing with the judgement caused by that advice (which involved a gradual building of skills, habits and body awareness over a year, while using songs and stories and having talks, making sure that he didn't get constipated and generally spending quite a lot of time working hard for results that were very effective in the long term, but not immediately apparent).

That's a nursery issue. Unacceptable that they won't remind a trained child to go to the loo. I would ask them to, if they still didn't, I would move nurseries

@Lookatyourself I’m sure it is.

That’s really poor from the nursery as Jamie Glowacki (the Oh Crap author) stresses they won’t self initiate for a few weeks and need reminding for about three weeks. Fair enough nurseries shouldn’t be doing the main potty training and basics but they can’t expect parents to take at least three weeks off and stay at home to potty train to the level where they can trot off to the toilet at nursery. And I say that as someone who took time off to do it when DD was just turned 2 but a week for a nine day block. I’d move nursery if they wouldn’t budge on this as those accidents and set backs must be so detrimental to getting the job done and done well.

Unfortunately most nurseries in London that we have looked into do have that attitude. I was shocked and it suddenly made sense to me why parents have to wait until much later nowadays.

Wow that is amazing. When my boys went to playgroup at around two and a half to three they were expected to be potty-trained but we were allowed to leave spare clothes for them in case of accidents. We did get a few wet clothes back but by school that would have not been the case for any of them and their classmates.

I had no idea because some friends said nursery was massively helpful with the potty training, and that the peer influence and group toilet visits really accelerated progress. One friend even said they just did what nursery advised at home in the evenings and on the weekend and nursery did it for the main part since DC is there full time all week. We’re in central London and the friends in question have DC in chain nurseries. I wonder if it’s the private ones that are a bit less supportive generally speaking…

@SunnyChubby234 , but you’re right: if this is the attitude, of course parents will just do it when it clicks in a matter of days at age 3. It was a bit of a slog for us at 2. DB waited and DNephew was dry night and day in a matter of days, no accidents at just turned 3.

This is the problem with today parents. Low set bar.

Why exactly is it an issue if a some children take a few months longer to toilet train than others ?

It's not an issue if some children take longer and accidents will happen. The issue is so many parents setting the bar low for toilet training. Its basically kicking the can down the road and placing even more strain on nursery/early year settings which are already stretched the max.

It's not an issue if some children take longer and accidents will happen. The issue is so many parents setting the bar low for toilet training. Its basically kicking the can down the road and placing even more strain on nursery/early year settings which are already stretched the max.

Which is probably the rough percentage of kids with sen that would be expected.

yes you’re right but I think these children/ families have bigger issues going on. They probably haven’t been socialises early, gone to play groups or preschool. If your child attended nursery or pre school they would only encourage them to get toilet trained and naturally toddlers want to copy their friends who are using the toilet! It’s is unacceptable and lazy neglectful parents unless of course there is a genuine health/ disability reason

Please stop shaming parents who clearly will be trying their hardest. We potty trained at around 25 months, but continued to have accidents. We had zero support from health visitors, school nurse and GP, they all said it's normal for boys up until their 5th birthday. We're now at almost 7 and they think it may be a SEN issue, but we're still to see the incontinence clinic as the wait list is so long.

This isn't all about lazy parents, but mainly the dismantling of support, no home visits, increased NHS waiting lists.

Maybe parents need to ask re their approach when chosing a setting, with both my children we had a period of 5 days or so at home (using annual leave etc) and then nursery supported. Sent loads of changes of clothes in and accidents were chalked up to experience.

Two of my friends actually had their childcare initiate potty training in the setting because they were lax (the parents that is) and leaving it late and the setting said they were ready. One friend put her child back in pull ups over the weekend despite nursery saying they were doing well 🙄

I don’t think it’s fair to say nurseries don’t support, IME they want them out of nappies before preschool where the ratios make it harder to support.

This. My child wasn't toilet trained until 7 and is likely to go to a specialist school for secondary. A generation ago she'd have been in a specialist setting from the outset (and wouldn't have been able to attend preschool / playgroup at all).

It’s an issue if parents aren’t supporting their children with normal developmental milestones, which potty training is, for their own ease or convenience. If children genuinely aren't developmentally ready then that’s fine.

My ex would always try to put our children back into nappies when I was toilet training them. Caused many arguments. He was just incredibly lazy. Now divorced and he has another child just turned 10 who was still full time in nappies at 6 or 7 and even now he puts a nappy on the child for car journeys. Honestly there's something wrong with him. I have also noticed that as children grow and develop opinions, and aren't adoring little babies, he becomes less and less interested in them. 100% child abuse, and I suspect more than laziness on his part

My son is 9 and is about to start Year 5. There's no way he'll be accepted to a specialist school so secondary has me feeling very nervous because primary have been so incredibly supportive.

Toilet trained both my kids by aged 2 and never looked back. Imo nappy changing is sometimes more inconvenient than taking them to the loo.

my 1st was a dream to potty train. My 2nd took months to be dry during the day and was still wetting at night for first 2 years at secondary. It was really tough for him

Ah so when you have nothing useful to contribute just accuse someone with a different approach of ‘having low standards’ - so depressingly predictable of MN.

Ironic.

As an Early Years teacher, my problem is that we seem to have normalised later toilet training and that means parents are often facing what is VERY obviously a medical condition, but they haven’t even considered the possibility not being toilet trained by 4 is unusual.