Page 5 | To think that not toilet training your child is seriously irresponsible?

SnugShaker · 2025-08-27T20:50:38+00:00

I keep seeing stories about kids starting school still in nappies and I just don’t understand how that happens. Barring medical or developmental issues, surely toilet training is a basic part of parenting? I get that every child is different but isn’t it neglectful to send a child into the world without such a fundamental skill? Interested to hear different perspectives, am I being too harsh or is this genuinely a problem?

Boomer55 · 28/08/2025 06:58

Mumtotwotoo2 · 27/08/2025 21:52

Mine wasn’t allowed to start school without being toilet trained, where have you heard of children starting school in nappies?

Mine weren’t accepted into nursery, aged 3, until they were toilet trained. I think it’s changed now though, as teachers are reporting children still being in nappies starting school.

Unless there are special needs involved, there’s no real excuse for children not being toilet trained at school starting age.🤷‍♀️

MyIvyGrows · 28/08/2025 06:58

Another one whose child effectively took 18mo from starting potty training to being reliably dry and asking for the loo. Definitely the most stressful parenting stage so far! I was terrified that he wouldn’t be ready to start school.

firedoor · 28/08/2025 06:58

camelfinger · 28/08/2025 04:11

I followed advice on here and decided to wait until DS was ready. His nursery required him to be dry for 2 weeks before allowing him to attend in pants. I also followed advice here and trained in the summer. So that only left a really short window as a summer born - if it hadn’t have worked he would have struggled. There was no way I was taking 2 weeks leave to try out toilet training. So I built it up a bit, and told nursery that he was dry. Obviously he then had a few “accidents” at nursery so I had to feign surprise. They were about to tell me that he needed to go back to nappies but luckily it just changed one day. The peer pressure of other nursery children definitely helped.

I was far more relaxed with DC2, and was very lucky as he just got it. The children are all so different, I probably wouldn’t doing anything different if I had my time again. I wasted so much effort trying to force the issue with DC1 but the message was quite clear that they couldn’t start school in nappies so I had to persevere in case it didn’t work in time for school starting.

You saying there was no way you were going to take leave to train is indicative of the whole issue.

Potty training is a responsibility that should be taken seriously. If you need to take leave - take leave.

Parents that half heartedly train over the weekend and then expect the nursery staff to pick up the slack really make me cross.

Fitchecktomynapalmera · 28/08/2025 06:58

firedoor · 28/08/2025 06:50

Can you ask for some unpaid leave? As you say, a week off will nail it

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I had thought about this, I tried using unpaid leave earlier in the year to cover my childs sickness and was told no I had to use holiday, so I'm not sure how that will go down.
I will need to read up on the legalities as I thought we were entitled to a certain amount of unpaid parental leave.
Thank you for the advice.

firedoor · 28/08/2025 07:00

SunnyChubby234 · 28/08/2025 03:44

But why did nurseries actively help with potty training 30 years ago? Ratios haven't changed, if anything they're more strict with carer - baby ratios now.

And what the hell do you mean by the time they reach nursery ? Most babies start nursery at 12 months ! No baby is potty trained at 12 months.

How are you supposed to potty train a 2 year old if the childcare setting they are in for 5 days a week is refusing to help ? A parent can only do so much in 2 days.

Potty training at 18 months - 2 years requires consistency over months and months.

It's why parents then have to wait until 3 - 3.5 when kids can learn in a couple of days

You're blaming the parents when the institutions that are being paid to care for their child are inadequate.

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Take leave to train your own child. 2.5 years is normally the perfect age, not too young, not too stubborn. Nursery will help if it's clear the child has been trained somewhat.

training for two days and sending to nursery is completely unacceptable

DenizenOfAisleOfShame · 28/08/2025 07:04

I really don’t know why posters jump on a thread about parents’ laziness about toilet training and go “yawn” or “zzzzz”. It’s not as though there are that many threads about it and it is a big problem in early years now.

Seems like an important parenting issue to me.

Countryspaniel · 28/08/2025 07:06

Cheepcheepcheep · 27/08/2025 22:10

I’m bloody trying with DS (3y 3m). He’s just not getting it and it’s driving me mad. Obvs not saying this to him.

I’m terrified he’ll be one of the statistics this time next year and I regret being so gung ho about ‘oh it’s so easy!’ when DD was sorted so easily.

He’s the only kid in the preschool room in nappies and I feel crap about it. Thanks, OP.

If you are toilet training why is he in nappies?

sparrowhawkhere · 28/08/2025 07:10

Lavender14 · 27/08/2025 23:14

There are so many reasons why this might happen though.

If we think about the fact that domestic abuse affects 1 in 4 women and 56%of children growing up in dv homes will be directly abused by the abuser and part of the abuse is often undermining a mothers care or role with her children, that alone could explain a significant percentage of children potty training later than expected. Then you add into that SEN which is often diagnosed much later than potty training is expected to be completed by. Many kids with sen fly under the radar even into adult hood. You may have parents with vulnerabilities themselves like learning difficulties or who never received appropriate care from their own families and genuinely don't feel equipped for it in that respect. Plus all children entering school/ nursery for the first time are undergoing massive change.

There's also a big difference in what people perceive as "potty trained" eg dry always/ dry 90%of the time but with occasional accidents/ dry at night as well as during the day etc. Sometimes it can also be due to hormonal factors.

Obviously some parents are neglectful in that respect, we know this. But I would imagine those instances are quite rare and usually would be existing in the context of other issues.

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Im not saying those aren’t factors but the biggest hurdle I’ve seen in last 5/10 years is middle class parents who can’t bear to see their children upset and won’t encourage them.

OperationMayday · 28/08/2025 07:12

Years ago, I worked in an Early Years Unit with 3 - 5 year olds and none of them came to us in nappies and only a few had issues with cleaning after a poo.

I can’t imagine the time wasted if a large percent are coming in needing nappies.

sparrowhawkhere · 28/08/2025 07:22

SunnyChubby234 · 28/08/2025 03:44

But why did nurseries actively help with potty training 30 years ago? Ratios haven't changed, if anything they're more strict with carer - baby ratios now.

And what the hell do you mean by the time they reach nursery ? Most babies start nursery at 12 months ! No baby is potty trained at 12 months.

How are you supposed to potty train a 2 year old if the childcare setting they are in for 5 days a week is refusing to help ? A parent can only do so much in 2 days.

Potty training at 18 months - 2 years requires consistency over months and months.

It's why parents then have to wait until 3 - 3.5 when kids can learn in a couple of days

You're blaming the parents when the institutions that are being paid to care for their child are inadequate.

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But they’re not being paid to parent them? Support with toilet training yes but not do it completely.

The needs of children arriving to nurseries/pre-school and Reception are increasing all of the time. Behaviour, eating/drinking, self care (toileting, wiping own nose, taking coat on /off), social skills and that’s before any phonics, early reading, writing and maths has taken place. There’s only so much nurseries and schools can do.

Parenting is glamourised by social media but the most important parts of parenting can fall
short. Just reading this thread I can see parents thinking it’s poorer families or families with children with additional needs who are accounting for the children in nappies figures but I’m coming across more and more children who are capable of being toilet trained (I know this as we are able to support families with this) who didn’t want to persevere or even start!

OhNoNotSusan · 28/08/2025 07:24

who knows
perhaps they are all sen?
hard to judge

Everydayimhuffling · 28/08/2025 07:24

Kids are different, and there are lots of factors that make it harder or easier to potty train.
DD: started at 18 months, because she was interested, while I was on maternity leave with DS during covid. No nursery to contend with, child who loved to be good and be praised, we were home or outside most of the time so there was always somewhere for a quick wee. We'd used cloth nappies up until that point. She was trained by 2

DS: started at 3 as per lots of advice about readiness. Nursery 3 days a week (who were not very helpful), he didn't seem to have a good sense of when he needed to go and was totally unwilling to stop when he was doing anything. Very stubborn child. We were much busier. We'd started with cloth nappies, but he'd outgrown the ones we had so I'd switched to disposable by that time. Started school at 4 and 1 month. He was having accidents all through reception.

Maybe he has SEN, but it's certainly not diagnosed at just 5. We worked on potty training a lot, so it definitely wasn't laziness. It wasn't necessarily him either, though, but a lot of other factors.

In retrospect, I think the current advice to wait until they are "ready" is really unhelpful. If I was doing it again I would start a lot earlier.

Swiftie1878 · 28/08/2025 07:29

NotEnoughKnittingTime · 27/08/2025 22:12

That is a way to keep the SEN kids out I suppose!

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Surely SEN has existed forever - we just weren’t as aware of it?
But this ‘nappy at age 5’ is a relatively new thing. My daughter’s class, 10 years ago, had no-one in nappies. Last years Reception class had 4 out of 30 in nappies. How has this become a thing?

Tagyoureit · 28/08/2025 07:40

SunnyChubby234 · 27/08/2025 22:20

One thing I found shocking though is how little nurseries help with potty training these days. My mum said nursery was hugely helpful back when I was a toddler whereas now some nurseries insist on nappies until toddler is fully trained and can hold a wee for minutes and can ask to go reliably. That's quite unrealistic for a 2 year old. Potty training to that level takes weeks and if nursery is difficult about it, it puts parents in a tricky spot where you essentially delay and delay until child is over 3.

Really? My 2 are 11 and 5 and both went to a private nursery and the staff were very helpful and encouraging with potty training with both.

NorthXNorthWest · 28/08/2025 08:06

SunnyChubby234 · 28/08/2025 03:44

But why did nurseries actively help with potty training 30 years ago? Ratios haven't changed, if anything they're more strict with carer - baby ratios now.

And what the hell do you mean by the time they reach nursery ? Most babies start nursery at 12 months ! No baby is potty trained at 12 months.

How are you supposed to potty train a 2 year old if the childcare setting they are in for 5 days a week is refusing to help ? A parent can only do so much in 2 days.

Potty training at 18 months - 2 years requires consistency over months and months.

It's why parents then have to wait until 3 - 3.5 when kids can learn in a couple of days

You're blaming the parents when the institutions that are being paid to care for their child are inadequate.

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The average age of toilet training has gone up.

Clearly, I don't mean babies, but by 3 years old other than for SEN, children should be largely toilet trained. Some will have the occasional accident but regular accidents should not be occurring.

You can make all the excuses you want but working parents with children in nursery/ other childcare settings have managed to toilet train their children for decades. Some do take longer but not on the scale it is happening at the moment. It's not always easy or convenient but it is possible.

moominmum56 · 28/08/2025 08:33

NorthXNorthWest · 28/08/2025 08:06

The average age of toilet training has gone up.

Clearly, I don't mean babies, but by 3 years old other than for SEN, children should be largely toilet trained. Some will have the occasional accident but regular accidents should not be occurring.

You can make all the excuses you want but working parents with children in nursery/ other childcare settings have managed to toilet train their children for decades. Some do take longer but not on the scale it is happening at the moment. It's not always easy or convenient but it is possible.

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Why do you think by 3 it should be done? Mine were both 3.5 before they trained. But at that stage they picked it up very quickly with minimal accidents. I had tried when they were about 2.5 but they just hated it, constantly weed on the floor and said they were afraid of the potty.

Kids should be trained by school age (in the absence of any additional issues) but prior to that nobody should be telling anyone else when their own dc ‘should’ be trained by. Everyone’s kids are different, everyone’s circumstances are different, everyone’s approaches are different. It’s nobody else’s business.

Jorge80 · 28/08/2025 08:34

@SunnyChubby234 How are you supposed to potty train a 2 year old if the childcare setting they are in for 5 days a week is refusing to help ? A parent can only do so much in 2 days.

We potty trained our just turned 2yr old when taking holidays so we had a block of nine days with the weekends either side of a week.

firedoor · 28/08/2025 08:36

moominmum56 · 28/08/2025 08:33

Why do you think by 3 it should be done? Mine were both 3.5 before they trained. But at that stage they picked it up very quickly with minimal accidents. I had tried when they were about 2.5 but they just hated it, constantly weed on the floor and said they were afraid of the potty.

Kids should be trained by school age (in the absence of any additional issues) but prior to that nobody should be telling anyone else when their own dc ‘should’ be trained by. Everyone’s kids are different, everyone’s circumstances are different, everyone’s approaches are different. It’s nobody else’s business.

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Many reasons. Waste caused by prolonged nappy usage and giving the child some dignity are my main ones.

My 3.5 year old is very upset if he even splashes on himself, I can't image how embarrassed and ashamed he would feel to have to constantly go to the loo in his nappy at this age. It's not fair that children aren't given the correct skills at an appropriate age.

Cutleryclaire · 28/08/2025 08:38

SunnyChubby234 · 27/08/2025 22:20

One thing I found shocking though is how little nurseries help with potty training these days. My mum said nursery was hugely helpful back when I was a toddler whereas now some nurseries insist on nappies until toddler is fully trained and can hold a wee for minutes and can ask to go reliably. That's quite unrealistic for a 2 year old. Potty training to that level takes weeks and if nursery is difficult about it, it puts parents in a tricky spot where you essentially delay and delay until child is over 3.

Luckily my nursery was great. There’s one staff member who is a potty training queen and basically does one child a week and by Friday they pretty much always have the hang of it.

Sdpbody · 28/08/2025 09:02

I had one DD trained at 2y4m and one at 3y2m.

The one at 3y2m has never had an accident- she was ready later but cracked it immediately.

orzohmnnn · 28/08/2025 09:08

TY78910 · 27/08/2025 22:26

This x10.

It cannot be that unfathomable that children find toilets in school to be scary - Andrex have based their recent advert entirely on withholding in school. With such small children withholding very quickly turns in to constipation which is a bloody nightmare to manage (from experience) and that’s where regular soiling happens. Not because they want to crap themselves, but because it just involuntarily comes out. That’s not a parenting problem, it’s a psychological one.

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This definitely the experience with my grandchild and the problem was still there aged 5 ,only now recently has the huge corner been turned and now finally pooing in the loo .The stress was hideous for all concerned,definitely not lazy parenting !
Am sick of these judgy threads .

Perfectmixofcute · 28/08/2025 09:24

Swiftie1878 · 28/08/2025 07:29

Surely SEN has existed forever - we just weren’t as aware of it?
But this ‘nappy at age 5’ is a relatively new thing. My daughter’s class, 10 years ago, had no-one in nappies. Last years Reception class had 4 out of 30 in nappies. How has this become a thing?

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To be totally frank it didn’t. Not in the way we see it now. I’ve been a senior Nursery Nurse in a Primary School for over 22 years. I have worked with thousands of children. In my first 15 years it was extremely rare. Now half of my last class had SEN needs. It’s unmanageable and society needs to wake up.

We have a lot of children starting in nappies too. On top of the extreme behaviour needs, total lack of focus or attention spans, speech delays, self care needs and toileting issues. I used to LOVE my job. I’m dreading going back next week.

MegaMinion34 · 28/08/2025 09:31

Cheepcheepcheep · 27/08/2025 22:10

I’m bloody trying with DS (3y 3m). He’s just not getting it and it’s driving me mad. Obvs not saying this to him.

I’m terrified he’ll be one of the statistics this time next year and I regret being so gung ho about ‘oh it’s so easy!’ when DD was sorted so easily.

He’s the only kid in the preschool room in nappies and I feel crap about it. Thanks, OP.

Can so relate to this! My son was 3 in June and it's been so hard to potty train him. His sister got it pretty much straight away and was fully trained within a few days.

He doesn't start school until September next year so we've got plenty of time! But it totally get your frustration and worry.

KindLemur · 28/08/2025 09:39

Blessedbethefruitz · 27/08/2025 22:52

My son came under those statistics. As well as SEN kids, you get kids like mine who are toilet trained but get antibiotic diarrhea; require antibiotics 10x or more annually; and thus have the occasional accident during the 10 day course - which they're more than capable of dealing with themselves, but were wearing pull ups (and had a bag of spares, wipes etc) because the parent knows of the risk!! He finally had his tonsillectomy this year so hopefully no more regular antibiotics - one time in year 1 he got sent home for 48 hours because a teacher HEARD him on the toilet (no accidents) and despite his medical records and them giving his 4x daily antibiotics, weren't convinced he wasn't d&v contagious...

People seem so quick to assume it's lazy parenting but it's not always.

Aww my little one was like this. She was on antibiotics at least one week out of every month between about 9 months and 2.5 years. She was great for wees from about 21 months but bless her she’d have awful tummy issues from constant co-amoxiclav. We used probiotics etc but luckily she’s had a long term low level medication which has reduced the need for the regular anti biotic and she’s has no accidents for months now. She will hopefully have ear surgery soon so she will never need them again!

people used to act like I was making up excuses ‘well mine has never poo’ed themselves’ etc… if my dd only pooped once every few days, I’m sure she’d have cracked it in weeks! As it was she was having acidic diarrhea multiple times a day, an adult would have struggled never mind a toddler !

Alondra · 28/08/2025 10:02

There are huge differences between being lazy parents incapable of the responsibility to toilet train a child to children being ready to get it (I'm not mentioning SEN children because that's a different ball game)

I have 3 sons and all of them were different. My last 2 were easy, my middle child was in underwear when he was 3.5 (with a few accidents at night), and the youngest was a dream. He refused to wear nappies soon after turning 2 and by 3 he was using the toilet even at night (again with a few accidents here and there)

My oldest however, had us in tears because he wouldn't get it. We were seriously considering deferring him because well into his 3s he was still being timed for potty training. The best advice I received was from my aunt, who told me to leave him in peace for a few months and try again. It worked. Maybe it was taking the pressure off him, or that he was ready to finally crack it, I still don't know.