To think that not toilet training your child is seriously irresponsible?

[SnugShaker]

I keep seeing stories about kids starting school still in nappies and I just don’t understand how that happens. Barring medical or developmental issues, surely toilet training is a basic part of parenting?

I get that every child is different but isn’t it neglectful to send a child into the world without such a fundamental skill? Interested to hear different perspectives, am I being too harsh or is this genuinely a problem?

My dd is a bit like this, able to speak in full sentences and have conversations by 20 months, writing name by 2, potty trained at 22 months as her nursery encouraged it strongly - she wee’d her knickers today at 3yo as she got a new doll and was literally shaking with excitement playing with it and getting all her doll accessories out, god love her. She said I’m sorry mummy I just forgot. I don’t agree with ignoring potty training but you see some absolutely disdainful posts about very little kids having accidents on here ! Some people just have perfect kids I guess 😬🫢

They HAVE to accommodate SEN children as you well know. Not all SEN children are incapable or delayed with toilet training though.

Re nurseries not helping. When DS - now 20 - was at nursery they just supported us trying and said bring in plenty of spare clothes. Sad if nurseries won't do that now

Also one of my baby group friends likes to regularly remind us her 2yr 6 month old is dry day and night and has been since the day after his 2nd birthday. We went away with them over the summer and the poor boy wee’d his pants twice, was crying with constipation because he was holding it in due to not liking the different toilet in the holiday let, and wet the bed three times despite them taking him for a ‘sleep wee’ every night at midnight (they set an alarm for this!)
it’s not a race and not a competition!

🥲 wee soul with her babies. I have two girls who loved their babies too.

My nursery was really good, but did have to take 3-5 days off with each and break the back of it at home.

I've found this recently. When my eldest two (now 26) were potty training the nursery were involved. They had potties at nursery.

We care for DN atm and his nursery won't allowed them in not in nappies until they've been dry at home for two full weeks - which for people whose kids are in nursery full time is likely to be really difficult.

I worried about this with both of mine as I attempted it when they were almost 3 and I pulled my hair out until both finally got there aged 3 and a half.

However, my youngest kept wetting himself well into reception and I think maybe even year 1. Never at home but always at school or some kind of school environment which we put down to him being scared/too busy to go to the toilet.

We've had no incidents at all in year 2 thankfully so whatever the problem was it's gone.

It's not always laziness at all, you can't force them to be ready. Mine were barely verbal at 2 so no hope in hell of me starting then but I know others who had kids that were fully conversational and potty trained by the age of 2.

It's a total pain in the arse but it needs doing eventually so I can't believe people are putting it off due to laziness, once it's done you are free from nappy changes which is a great thing!!

It isn’t that they’re coming to reception in nappies necessarily, it’s children having frequent accidents and parents not addressing this or saying ‘well it doesn’t happen at home’.

Thats when you find out they wear pull ups at home, still use a potty (!!), are taken constantly to the toilet instead of having to remember themselves or (this is the shocking one!) they let them wet or soul themselves because ‘they’re little and want to play and don’t like stopping to use a toilet!’

But you’re trying and he’s still got time. I don’t mind as long as a parent is trying, it’s the ones that aren’t that drive me mad!

That seems ridiculous. Part of the training process is adapting to the different environments at home and at nursery. What a shame

A few years back I may have somewhat agreed with you. Then I had to potty train our daughter. We tried from the age of 2 and it took over 18 months. It was awful and unbearably stressful as I was so worried we would be the parents sending their child to school in nappies. All her peers were long sorted, or at least not wearing nappies even if they did have accidents. She just flat out refused to go in anything other than a nappy and would withhold wee and poo until we put one back on. 15 hours was the longest she held out. She was beside herself in pain and it was a horrific experience to witness. It was impossible to not give her a nappy to go in. We tried absolutely everything and nothing worked. One day she turned round and said she wasn’t wearing them any more, and that was that. She’s had less accidents than I can count on one hand. My point being, you can’t understand how difficult some children are to potty train until you live the experience. I’ve learnt an important lesson from this in terms of making judgement of others.

That seems ridiculous. Part of the training process is adapting to the different environments at home and at nursery. What a shame

They've basically said they don't have the staffing to effectively be the ones potty training the children.

I can see their point in so ways, but it's got to be spectacularly difficult for people who effectively have to take annual leave for it.

I did with my girls, but I took a few days to get things started. Not two full weeks.

Thanks - god knows we’re going through a lot of chocolate buttons atm! Doing all we can but jiggling a busy job, my dad who is dying and nursery it’s so bloody hard.

Don't feel crap. My 7 year old is in pull ups. He can use the toilet to poo but simply won't come out of pull ups. He's autistic which doesn't help

The thing is though, I know we are throwing all we can at it but I worry any Reception teacher won’t be able to distinguish between a kid who isn’t trained due to laziness v our lovely boy who just doesn’t get it.

There are many, many reasons. Three being the new Two doesn’t help. Pull ups are still nappies, not ‘training’ pants. Personally I think one of the biggest reasons why it’s left so late these days is the high percentage of both parents working full time. They (somewhat understandably), dont want to spend a week out of 4 weeks annual leave toilet training a 2 year old. Plus this site is dreadful for pushing the ‘they’ll do it when they’re ready’ idea. Nonsense, they need encouragement, guidance and getting used to a potty well before they are three. My DD always pooed after dinner, like clockwork, she went on the potty for this daily. Out of nappies by 2 and a half during the day, very few accidents aftervthat.

I’m sorry that sounds so hard. I don’t know if additional needs are at play but either way I’m just so stressed about DS not being there and having people assume we’re lazy.

I’m sure he’ll get there soon - I think the advantage of them being a little older is when they get it, they get it properly.

I have 2 boys, the eldest I tried to train when his baby brother was a month old (wtf was I thinking) and it was a disaster. Left it a few months and he cracked it in a morning. And I mean reliably clean and dry from that moment on day and night. He was about 2 years 11 months.

His wee brother took longer, besides the fact I was back at work as opposed to being on ML as I was with the eldest, he has autism so had other issues too. I tried when he was just past 3 and it was dreadful. I tried again when he was coming up for 3 and a half and again, cracked it within a couple of days.

My 2 never pissed or shat themselves ever once they were trained, and could hold it in well till we got to a loo, whereas a lot of people I knew with “trained at 2” kids were still having frequent accidents, needed a travel potty, etc

Yikes!
Both mine (now 16 and 26) were in full time nursery at toilet training age.
The nursery were clear about only assisting with training if the child showed they were ready, but with an engaged child they were entirely supportive. Some children really click when they see their peers using the loo.

I really would have resented having to take AL to train them.

Ignore them - he will get it! (I worked in a nursery for 15 years)

Yes - I was on ML when I trained my eldest, but back at work when I had my youngest. It was hard to get a run at it, I took a week’s annual leave in the end.

I worked with a woman whose daughter started school in nappies. From what she said, she was frightened of her daughter having accidents on the carpet so she didn't dare leave her without a nappy. I don't know who changed her nappy at school but she was soon potty trained by copying the other children.

Do you mind me asking when your autistic son was able to use the toilet himself (including wiping after number 2)?

I don't know of any children personally that started school in nappies, and obviously that's not part of a teacher's job description.
However I do think if you work with small children you have to expect the occasional toileting accident, and look after children in your care when it happens.