To think that not toilet training your child is seriously irresponsible?

[SnugShaker]

I keep seeing stories about kids starting school still in nappies and I just don’t understand how that happens. Barring medical or developmental issues, surely toilet training is a basic part of parenting?

I get that every child is different but isn’t it neglectful to send a child into the world without such a fundamental skill? Interested to hear different perspectives, am I being too harsh or is this genuinely a problem?

You have to set some time aside, take annual leave. Potty training is a necessary evil. I’m a working mum and managed. Work is not an excuse.

@Cheepcheepcheep our just turned 3 year old (august birthday) is struggling with it so you’re not alone!
It clicked for our first dc at 3 1/2 and he never had an accident since so I’m honestly not too worried with dc2.

It’s tricky though isn’t it and it’s not hard to see how we have ended up here. Rise in SEN, more people working, yes people can take annual leave but if some nursery’s require children to be out of nappies for two weeks before they will accept them in pants, that can be tricky, especially if children don’t get it straight away. Children starting school younger. Lack of support, for example the old sure start centres, for those who are struggling. It’s a range of reasons, and I’m not saying there are no lazy parents but I think they make up a minority of cases.

this ‘nappy at age 5’ is a relatively new thing. My daughter’s class, 10 years ago, had no-one in nappies. Last years Reception class had 4 out of 30 in nappies. How has this become a thing?
This. When mine were in primary no one was in nappies. Only had toilets no provision for changing. Few years later they had to have an extension with changing facilities showers to accommodate the amount of children not toilet trained. This hasn't been going on for years it is a relatively new thing. Mine weren't alowed to go to playschool without being toilet trained.

Keeping kids in nappies which cost a bomb and which you have to change is a huge hassle - so the lazy parent trope just doesn't wash with me.

I would imagine that all these children will go on to be diagnosed with SEN at some point. I had a really terrible time training DS, it wasn't until he was 10 years old that he was finally diagnosed with ASD and dyspraxia.

I find these threads that are just so desperate to look down on other parents pathetic. What exactly are you looking to get out of this OP apart from to feel like you're better than these 'lazy' parents?

Probably because the kids with issues had accidents. DS went to school at a time when no one was in nappies and had accidents, he was diagnosed with ASD and Dyspraxia at 10. I've worked in schools where children had frequent accidents - parents probably now just put those children in nappies instead.

I really don't think it's rocket science tbh and the faux horror around it is ridiculous.

I imagine though that up until quite recently, children who weren't potty trained at school age just didn't go to mainstream school.

My son is incontinent and goes to a mainstream school with changing facilities and I'm incredibly grateful that he can be as comfortable as possible at school.

I have a full time nanny, my son doesn't go to full time nursery. But I have no idea how we would potty train at 18 months in just a couple of weeks if he was. Every book on potty training before 2 says it takes months and consistency.

If the nursery won't help, then obviously yes, you leave it until closer to 3, take a week of annual leave and done.

But everyone on this thread is saying 2.5-3 is too late to potty train.

So most working parents can't win.

Or are you saying you managed to potty train a toddler under the age of 2 in a week?

But everyone on this thread is saying 2.5-3 is too late to potty train.
I think 2.5 - 3 is fine to start. I did it with 4 starting too early and you just sit them down and hope for the best. When around that age they tend to understand and will probably catch on quicker. I was lucky to be a SAHM I can understand how hard it must be when working full time.

I’m terrified this is going to happen to me. DS is 2.5 with an expressive language delay so can’t tell me when he’s had a wee or a poo. His receptive language and understanding is good generally, but when I ask if he’s had a poo he shakes his head even when I can smell otherwise!!! He hates being changed so I think he does know what he’s being asked but says no anyway! He’s started hiding behind the sofa to do it, which I suppose shows some awareness too. I have tried sitting him on the toilet as well as showing him what to do - sometimes it goes well (he likes flushing the chain and washing his hands), but sometimes he just cries. We were going to go straight to a toilet seat but maybe it’s time to just start trying with a sit down potty and do it the long way. If anybody has any tips on potty training a toddler with an expressive speech delay I’m all ears!

Hopefully he’ll be ready in good time before nursery 😖 Will admit this post did hit a bit of a nerve, as Mum was a nursery teacher & head of EYFS before retiring so - I’m very conscious of these sorts of views and don’t want his nursery teacher to think we are lazy parents. Just know that it’s not always a case of purposefully delaying / can’t be bothered 😭

Between 20 and 30 months is generally the best. I did it at 26 months for each of mine. They're winter born so we waited for some warmer weather. We did the nothing on the bottom half method.

The reasoning behind it is that parents are now told by the professionals and experts not to push their child, and to "wait until they show signs of readiness", and if you try to potty train and they resist, don't push them and try again at a later date. I've no doubt that this method does work for a large number of children, otherwise they wouldn't bother saying it. But all children are different, and some children don't "show signs of readiness" until they are three or even four, and I am convinced that leaving it so late gives some children a sort of complex. I've known a few mums who've had real struggles getting their 4yos out of nappies in time for starting school, and they were beside themselves because the children were just refusing to use a potty or toilet. Very often they'll be fine doing wees but not poos, and still want to poo in a nappy. It's like they've got a sort of mental block against it, and I do wonder if that comes from starting so late. I strongly suspect that the current official advice is counterproductive for some children.

Yes I agree. There you have all the parents making excuses and blaming it on ND. No it’s lazy parenting.

Yes, but teachers have enough to do, without having to change the nappies of children that should be toilet trained. 🤷‍♀️

You don’t get to decide what’s an appropriate age for someone else’s child. Surely you’re not dense enough to think that just because your child did it at a certain age then this is absolutely the only right age for the rest of the worlds population of children to do it too?

My children were both well into their 3’s. They weren’t ready before. I know this because I tried and it was a constant battle which caused much distress to them. So I chose to leave it for a while and came back to it when they were ready. And they both cracked it within days. My approach worked for me and my children. You did it earlier. It doesn’t make you any better.

This again 🙄
Years ago kids has to be toilet trained before they started school then they realised this was discriminating against children with disabilities and those who were delayed for any reason
And people can't see the correlation with more children starting school in nappies?
Anyone who thinks it's becsuse parents are lazy clearly has never had ti change an older child's nappy

My child is 5 and still in pull ups. ASD and pathological demand avoidance has made it impossible. School (mainstream) are fine about it and will do changes when needed. We’ve tried everything and nothing has worked .

This. 💯. If parents had to boil, wash and dry terry nappies, every day, non SEN children would be toilet trained earlier.

Disposables may not be cheap, but they are easy.

Not always the case - if anything we’ve put in more hours and more effort trying because it’s been so incredibly challenging and difficult.

You really think it's easier changing the nappy of an older child than just not bothering toilet training them ? Plus a school aged child with no disabilities is not going to want to be in nappies.

I think this is why

Inertia and being scared to start training is more likely. I doubt parents want to leave it late, they just lack the confidence to start

Many children aren’t diagnosed with need until they start school.

Parents don’t know what they’re looking for, having realised a difference, aren’t quite ready to accept it - etc etc.

Theres every chance that many of those still not toilet trained when they get to school do have need, they’re just not diagnosed yet.

Why is this any of your or anyone else’s business?

Easy to say don’t be lazy and take a week off to toilet train them but it’s hard for working parents. I took a week off for my first when he was 2.5, he got it straight away in that he would go if we reminded him and put him on the potty but absolutely would not tell us if he needed to go even after several weeks (no SEN, no speech issues, he just flat out refused for some reason), and nursery refused to remind him which meant loads of accidents and them asking him to go back in nappies. What should I have done in that case, I couldn’t take endless annual leave until he started to ask himself? We ended up having to put him back in nappies and wait until well after 3 to try again. Now with my second who is nearly 3 I am keen to start but I don’t want the same experience as last time so it’s putting me off. Parents can’t win sometimes.