Is my DH's request reasonable?

[Ihaveneedofwaternear]

I've just come home from work unexpectedly while DH was in the loft WFH. It's not unknown for me to do this, as I work in the community and home can be closer than the office so sometimes I do my notes at home.

DH has just come down and asked that I text him up in the loft whenever I get back, as otherwise he hears someone moving around downstairs and is worried. I shouted hello when I came in, but he didn't hear.

Do you think that's an unreasonable request?

This would annoy me (having to text), but then I suspect I'm PDA so I'm not great when people make demands of me or have very specific expectations 😂Happy to make someone 100 cups of tea and do chores (so it's not a selfish thing), but expect me to text at a certain point in my day? I just can't. I'm also very forgetful.

My DH and I are always scaring each other when we get home. He actually enjoys surprising us I think. Nearly gives me a heart attack every time.

Everyone is different, but if this bothered DH, he would use a camera for peace of mind rather than asking me to change my behaviour. But then he is far too lovely, far more than I deserve.

Tell him its ‘work from home’ not ‘wank from home’, it’s your house, he should expect you to come back to it. He needs to step away from the porn!

I would definitely forget. Well I would probably remember 2 hours later! And OH wouldn't even remember to do it even then

Burglars aren't generally deterred by doors being locked.

Why on earth should you have to text your DH to tell them you are home? I’m finding so many of these responses baffling. It is OPs actual house. She doesn’t need to announce her arrival. If he is worried about unexpected noises downstairs and the possibility of a burglar then he should jolly well lock the door in that case, not expect people to have to notify him of their arrival like he’s some sort of dignitary.

I prefer knowing when my husband is going to be walking in. It's not so I can hide any men under the bed (it's a divan, there's no space). I just don't like having the front door open without expecting it.

I suspect there may be some truth in this 😂

It depends. My best friend is a “text me when you get home” type of person and she WILL check if you don’t (very kindly making sure I’ve not been murdered). Whereas I am the complete opposite. Her and her partner text each other when they drive anywhere to say they’ve arrived. My in laws also do this with each other. Now personally I could stand to be in a relationship where this was necessary and where I’d get phone calls from people worried I’d been in a horrible accident. This gives the same vibes to me. Either you’re a “text me when…” person, or you’re not. It sounds like you and your OH are not the same with regards to this.

I don’t think you’re unreasonable at all, especially if you do this regularly. If he is that bothered he can always text you or add you to find my phone.

I'd be wondering what on earth he's up to in the loft that would require you to say you're home. I mean, if it was an intruder , he could just hide.
Does he have a dress up box in there or something 🤔

tachetastic · Today 17:22
** If don't think normal locks are a very good deterrant against burglars. Bolts are much more effective.
I think your DH should start bolting the door when he goes to the loft if you're out.
You'd have to ring the doorbell and wait to be let in if you come back, obviously, but it would save you having to send him a text.

I am a fan of bolts. Alongside secure modern locks. I don't have bolts as I have a neurological disability and may need someone who has a key to enter my home in an emergency.

Perhaps keep in mind that access may be needed in the event of a medical emergency and suchlike.

It feels overbearing to me also and I think that's why some people are finding it a silly request. It's to me like if you're sitting in the living room and you stand up and someone goes 'where are you going'. I can't be bothered trying to articulate exactly why it bothers me but it really, really does. A very similar feeling to someone sending you a '?' message if you don't reply right away.

Good god, he hasn’t asked you to build a replica of the Taj Mahal with dead matches. You can literally type “Home” and press send.

Lol I was going to say the same thing!

He obviously doesn't want to get caught by OP doing something he knows he shouldn't be doing.

I think it's entirely reasonable that OP expects to be able to come and go in her own home as she pleases without accounting to her husband for her every move, just in case he feels a bit scaredy about noises downstairs. If he was genuinely that concerned, he'd lock the bloody door.

Saying 'where are you going' seems normal to me 😂But then we must be odd, as generally DH and I say to each other 'just going to the loo' if we're watching a film so no need to ask!

Like OP, I would be irritated at having to announce my arrival home via text.

I’d have to set up an elaborate Rube Goldman machine that started with me dropping my keys in a bowl at the front door and ended with a toy fish slapping him in the face.

He’s totally reasonable. Just text him. It’s way more effort for him to have to come down to see what the noise is.

I knew someone who was burgled in the middle of the day with two adults and a teen at home. Everyone just assumed the noise was someone else. how would he know if it was you or a burglar? because you sometimes come home at random times he could assume it’s you and it’s not. Just text him.

also stop laughing at the end of everything. It’s annoying 🤣🤣🤣

You could put a button switch in the hall and a radio/wifi bell in the loft and arrange that you'll buzz it 3 times when you get in so he knows it's you. Job done.

Bit unnecessary

Thanks for all the suggestions, but I don't need an alternative to messaging him. I don't want to have to announce I'm home. Locking the door is safe enough, and he should be able to tolerate me coming in and out of my own home, especially as I shout hello. No, it's not hard to text but it is hard to remember, for me.

Thanks for all the hilarious comments, and also the other perspective that it's not hard to be nice when you love someone.

Oh, forgot to add 🤣🤣🤣

@Ihaveneedofwaternear I get why it has irritated you you are solving a problem he has and one that doesn’t bother you and rather than coming up with solutions that involve him his involve you and only you.

it’s the slow drip nature of it all

I think it’s a bit weird. Was he doing in the loft when he needs notice of the fact that you’re back? Seems very strange to me.

It's not an unreasonable request but he should lock the door if he's that far away from it and prone to worrying along these lines, which would surely be a lot easier. So many MN posters or their household members leave their doors unlocked, get into arguments because of it, and I find it bizarre.

It's not a big ask.