Is my DH's request reasonable?

[Ihaveneedofwaternear]

I've just come home from work unexpectedly while DH was in the loft WFH. It's not unknown for me to do this, as I work in the community and home can be closer than the office so sometimes I do my notes at home.

DH has just come down and asked that I text him up in the loft whenever I get back, as otherwise he hears someone moving around downstairs and is worried. I shouted hello when I came in, but he didn't hear.

Do you think that's an unreasonable request?

He leaves the door unlocked but wants you to text before getting home so that he knows it's you rustling about downstairs 🤔? I'd agree to text on condition that he locks the front door.

Are you suspicious about why he’s worried about you coming home unannounced OP?

Sending a text in advance is completely different from just shouting out "I'm home" once you're in.

His behaviuour is weird and unreasonable.

The door should be locked anyway - that's common sense.
A text is going to take all of 10 seconds out of your 'busy day'.
Most people find time to go on their phones throughout the day even for 5 minutes here and ther

I always text DH if I’m going to be home early, I’d be freaked out if I heard someone in the house in the middle of the afternoon.

DP and I both work in the loft, separate offices. Also separate schedules so I might be working when he pops home, and vice versa. It would drive me potty to be engrossed and working to have my phone flash (can’t have it on DND for him as we have small DC so it’s useful to know if nursery have called, etc) with him saying he’s home every time he comes in. I’m so glad he doesn’t do this! And that our door locks behind us.

Bottom line is we’re all different: it would make me anxious to have to check in when coming back to my own home – I’m also not a “calling hello” person when I come in, I can’t bear people bellowing from different rooms, you say hello when you’re in the same place. I don’t need to know if DP’s home because if I hear noises, my assumption is that it’s him, not Burglar Bill. OP’s DH wants a text. Someone else on this thread thinks love means panicking there’s someone unconscious upstairs every time you come in the door. OP likes to say hello but not to text. Etc.

OP/her DH are going to have to compromise on their differences, and what that looks like is between them: I think it would look like locking the door, but I also think there’s no right/wrong about being a text/don’t text/bellow hello/creep in silently person, it’s about what causes each person a problem. Personally, needing to check in with a text is a hill I’d die on, because I’d find it anxiety-inducing, controlling and create a baseline tension I could do without. Similarly if DP started texting every time he came home I’d throw my phone into the sea.

Oooh the 'D' word - 🙄🙄

she did shout hello. But didn't make sure he'd heard her. So a bit pointless, unless she endures he heard her.

if she went to where he is why would she shout hello?

No, If physically possible I'd rather go & say hello to my DH when I get in from work, but if not physically possible I'd happily send him a message to say I was home & he'd come to see me. Pretty normal when you actually love each other. So yes, let's just agree to disagree.

It's not the time, it's giving the OP a task to remember. Yet again it's the woman who has to make the effort, to avoid inconveniencing the man.

And frankly, people texting each other while they're in the same house is fucking weird.

@thinklagoon yeah, that makes sense. I guess in my case it's a combination of not 100% hearing, often overfocusing on a work task, existing anxiety, forgetfulness around his schedule, plus we had someone try our very locked door last year while I was pottering around downstairs oblivious - it was the cat who alerted me to it funnily enough

The message on my phone doesn't particularly distract me, I don't even pick it up - I just glance at the message preview

He had his own solution, but she didn't like that either & made him get rid of the camera.

I'm in agreement with this, I would throw my phone in the sea too!

Opinions seem to be divided about 50:50. I feel similarly to OP and would be annoyed having to text to say I'm home. There are always so many messages on a multitude of platforms to have to deal with and respond to daily; it would feel like another thing to remember, at least until it became habitual.
I've been trying to cut down on phone usage in general - not very easy to do!

That said, I don't think your DH is necessary wrong OP; he just feels how he feels, like you do (although, I may well object to doing it and rightly or wrongly want my DH to find his own solution..).

Comes down to what you're prepared to do going forwards/how you can find a compromise. Incidentally, have you shown him this thread? are you that open with each other? it might help him to see the other side, specifically why it might be a little irritating..
Hopefully, this ongoing thread has eased your irritation! we all get irked by seemingly little things sometimes. And please ignore the emoji police, you're fine!

I'd would like to point out that he kept the camera for nearly 5 years before getting rid of it...

I'm not worried about what he's doing, he's just this type of person. He's a bit highly strung, and he's just much more of a texter/phone person than me. I'll not text him, but I will say I want the door locked when he's in the loft and I'll make more effort to announce my presence when I'm home.

He’s an absolute idiot for leaving the doors unlocked. Why on earth would he do that? Yes, burglars will break into locked houses, but they are far more likely to take advantage of an easy opportunity.

We call out hello when we come in, but expecting a text is a bit unnecessary.

If he’s highly strung, his startle reflex is probably pretty strong. Mine is massive! I squeak when I come across someone in the house even knowing who’s home. It’s the wondering that’s intrusive. Wondering if you heard a noise, waiting and listening to see if it happens again, going to investigate. It breaks the flow.

Give him a break and a heads up so he doesn’t have to wonder.

Don’t you lock the front door when you leave in the morning. DH and I always do even when we’ve left the other person in the house.

Do people not have Yale locks? Our Yale lock is always locked. The mortice is locked when we're both out.

I live in a very small town where there's little crime. We still lock doors at all times, however, because:

My friend's mother and partner were in their rural (no crime round here, we all leave our doors open, etc) home when 3 armed, balaclava-wearing men burst in, tied them up and gave them a beating and robbed them.

Police told them: burglars often target such places because they know people living there are lax about security.

If he’s highly strung, don’t you think the first thing he should be doing his locking his own front door?

Even if he locks the door, he may still be looking for a text.

Because burglars don’t only use unlocked front doors to enter properties.

Oh my god.

Firstly, what the fuck is that poster on about?!!! Lunch and a pint?!!

Secondly, I remember your thread! He sounds deeply controlling and like he will do ANYTHING to avoid having to parent his children alone. He thinks it’s your problem. And he’s aggrieved when you try to take a single second for yourself and will call you back constantly.

Arsehole.

He can look through the loft door and ask OP if she’s home. Not sure why the effort is on OP’s side.

Please do not tell him you want it locked, tell him it MUST be locked. Again, if you are burgled your insurance company can choose not to pay out based on his laziness and inattention to the most basic of home security.