Is my DH's request reasonable?

[Ihaveneedofwaternear]

I've just come home from work unexpectedly while DH was in the loft WFH. It's not unknown for me to do this, as I work in the community and home can be closer than the office so sometimes I do my notes at home.

DH has just come down and asked that I text him up in the loft whenever I get back, as otherwise he hears someone moving around downstairs and is worried. I shouted hello when I came in, but he didn't hear.

Do you think that's an unreasonable request?

I agree with you OP. He should lock the door when he is going to be up in the attic.

😅😅😅😅

I suspect your DH is a bit like me - I'm introverted and tend to struggle to regulate my nervous system. Knowing whether I'm alone or not and how long that will last has always been one of those little things that help me reduce my overall tension at a base level. If I know someone could appear at any moment I stay just slightly less relaxed the whole time. Can I just deal with not knowing if necessary? Yes. But day in day out in my own home it's a small thing that improves my life in a way that is probably impossible for my extroverted DH to understand. But he makes some small adjustments (like a quick "OMW 10 min" text) anyways simply because it makes me just a little bit happier and that makes it worthwhile to him. I don't have to convince him my preferences are objectively right or logical for him to value them.

It's not neurotic to lock the door. It's completely neurotic to demand advance that your spouse has entered the house.

this is what bothers me most of all, he's "concerned" enough that someone may be in the house who isn't OP, but won't do the most basic thing of locking the door so he knows when there is someone downstarirs it is OP, she shouts up to him when she comes in, it's not like she slinks in and creeps around.

It's lazy/idiotic of him to make OP do an extra task when there is a very easy solution to the problem of not knowing who is downstairs.

This is a very helpful perspective, thank you

Is he using headphones or similar? Can you hear if someone shouts I at you when your in the loft?
Basically then you asked a question with no intention of ever changing your way of doing things and zero tolerance of his feelings, do you not like each other? Is he overbearing and controlling?

Please - why doesn't he lock the door? Has he given a reason?

I would say it’s reasonable. Though could you both use a location sharing app and then he could just be notified automatically when you are home. Then you are doing as he’s asked but you don’t have to remember.

Exactly. Why isn’t the first solution him taking action? Why add more for OP to remember?

If you read OP’s posts, you’ll see she’s doesn’t like to be tracked.

But OP can have a conversation with him and give him options. 1) he can lock the front door 2) he can pop his head down the loft door if he hears something and ask OP if she’s home.

This is within his gift to solve. It doesn’t need OP to solve. She can tell him this and still like him.

Of course I like him, I love the irritating bugger! I definitely have more sympathy for his perspective after this thread, plus we're past it now and I'm less irritated!

This is interesting, because my response to OP’s info that he’s calling upstairs to check where she is, the cameras, needing her to text to check in with him that she’s home – it all put me on edge because I’m introverted, and anxious, and a bit lone-wolfy, and this kind of thing would make me feel unrelaxed in that same base level way you describe.

It wouldn’t be unreasonable for OP to feel like, “no, actually, this is my home and it’s tension-inducing to not be able to come and go whenever without clocking in like a shift at the factory”.

OP, this could all be resolved by him locking the front door if it’s not an auto-locking one and operating from a baseline assumption that if he hears someone home, it’s probably you.

He doesn't hear you shout hello as he has his headphones on and is having a wank and so doesn't want you to 'creep up' on him. So no, keep him anxious and tell him to lock the door which is surely obvious if he's up in the loft.

I agree with this.

It would make me feel on edge to have to remember to say I'm home. Frankly, the more I think about it, it would feel quite odd for me. But then, we don't have an attic office..

Tempted to suggest he wants a warning as is wanking 🤷

If he doesn't lock the door, he is asking for trouble. Just lock the damn doors!!!!

No, it's not hard to text but it is hard to remember, for me.

Yet you don’t find it hard to remember to shout "I’m home!" So I don’t see how sending a very short text is any harder. Feeble excuse.

Shouting "I'm home" comes naturally to me. I've always done that, from childhood. It's instinctive, walk in the door and shout hello. Texting upstairs isn't like that, for me.

As PPs point out, it's no big deal and I'm sure I'd remember at least sometimes. I just think the need is weird, and the assumption that it would be a burglar is a bit mad.

Him not locking the door is what’s feeble. The texts are unnecessary.

If my husband behaved like this I'd think he was seriously weird.

Burglars break into locked houses all the time! Especially when they don’t think anyone is home (when the person at home is out of sight working in the loft, for example…)

Bleurgh. Do adults really do this? It's creepy and infantile.

A burglar who makes noise breaking in to rob you in the middle of the day while risking someone being at home is quite unlikely to be honest, you are far, far more likely to be burgled by someone up to no good trying a front to see if it is unlocked and making the most of the opportunity.

If the OPs DH is at all concerned about burglars wandering in, he would lock the door wouldn't he?.. So he obviously isn't THAT bothered by it, or he would instinctively do it.

OP shouts up to him when she comes in, if he doesn't hear her shout and then hears her downstairs he could text her, or pop his head out and shout down.

OP should be free to come and go in her own home without checking in and out like an employee.