Friend wrecks dds room.

[Chickencuddle]

Dd is 12 and has a friend who whenever she comes over wrecks her room in different ways.
Dd had her room painted and redone last year. This friend every time she comes over picks the paint off the walls. So everytime this girl leaves I go in and see big scrabs in paint etc. I've always just painted over and hoped it wouldn't happen again but this time I told myself it was the last time. And she did it again. She also sticks her chewing gum on dds furniture (there is a bin in the room)
Wish pop her squishes and break her toys and its an "accident" has also taken things before. No way to prove it but things go missing agter she has been abd she has shown an interest on these things previously.
Aibu to message the mummy about talking to her dd? I have spoken to her but only lightly and she kind of laughed it off and said "opps" then it happens again.

Then your daughter is vulnerable to this girls behaviour. Intervene and don't allow her over to visit...." we don't put gum on furniture " ..." we don't damage walls"....with a little giggle to sweeten the ban. yYour daughter will see how to deal with disrespect when she sees you demonstrate it as she cannot manage it herself until she is taught it through seeing it. When she ses you empower yourself she will mimic it. Short term sacrifice will be dealing with poor " friendships".

The chats or speaking to this girl are not working. Time for some subtle action. And please do not try to blame your youngster 50/ 50 for damage. ...it lies with the other person s behaviour

Her daughter already has no friends, because this girl is not a friend and she is stopping her from making friends with other people.

Her only chance of making some friends is going to be getting away from this horrible child.

Huh? Why would you "giggle" to "sweeten the ban"?

That is entirely the wrong message. Giggling is what this girl and her mother have done every time the OP has said, "Why did you damage my property?"

The message the OP needs to send should be the very opposite of sweet, otherwise it will not get through.

The message is, "Your daughter is not welcome in my house anymore because she's a little delinquent with no respect for my or my daughter's property and every time I've mentioned this to you you've acted like it's funny, which is no doubt why she is the way she is in the first place. Aside from damaging our property and stealing my daughter's things she deliberately tries to stop my daughter from making any other friends or doing anything without her, which is toxic and unhealthy. I don't want them to be friends anymore."

"I have enrolled her in things she refuses to go without said friend now. Previously she went without her but friend found out and wanted to go. Dd is anxious about doing anything without a friend "

I don't think she is anxious about doing anything without a friend. I think she is anxious about doing anything without The Friend... because Friend found out she was doing something without her and then turned up to the theatre club and ruined it for your DD..
I think this could possibly be because The Friend really leaned on your DD and said that she was not allowed to leave her out of these clubs or she wouldn't be friends with her anymore. Your DD is very worried about ending up with no friends. That seems to be quite clear from several posts. Is she very worried about starting secondary school?

Schools try to put some people from the same primary together in secondary but if you ask they will move them. You don't have to tell DD or the Friends Mum that you have done this either. But I think it would really give DD a chance to breath. And also find an excuse to cut back or cut out all the mutual lifts, it may be handy but its further cementing the friendship.

@DuckbilledSplatterPuff I think they are already at secondary school.

Yeah. Your daughter thinks an abusive friend is better than no friend and you've reinforced that mindset for years by putting up with this bullshit.

Your daughter is in an abusive relationship. You're also being abused by having your home wrecked and things taken.

You're showing your daughter that it's fine for friends to wreck her living space and take her stuff. What kind of mindset do you think she's taking into relationships? An abusive man is better than no man.

You separate these kids. Other kid is banned from your home. Your daughter does other activities. They get separated in school.

This is toxic.

The behaviour of the friend's Mum is belittling and dismissive " oops" is far from satisfactory. So give the same effort back without drawing up a conflict but do it in the same communication mode as the other parent. I had a similar issue with my own child where the other parent would not take accountability nor responsibility for their child's behaviour.

That's the understatement of the year.

If one of my friends' mothers had told mine that I had repeatedly defaced her property I would have been grounded until I was old enough to vote. My mum would have had me ironing shirts at 20p a time for the next 6 months to pay for new paint.

I have voted YABU

I’m sorry OP, but I have found your thread a particularly distressing read. The update about how your daughter’s life and relationships with others is controlled is awful.

You have allowed your DD to be continually exposed to this controlling manipulative BULLY since she was 4 years old.

You have missed so many opportunities to sort this out when they were much younger and you had more control over the situation.

You are clearly aware this girl is a bully from all your posts and bizarrely on here, you are describing her to us a your DDs best friend. Why? I find it completely odd.

I don’t know why you don’t have any confidence or the ability to stand up for your own child and take action. I expect you have suffered abuse yourself in the past and you have my sympathy.

However, please don’t pass your behaviour down to your DD. It is terribly dysfunctional. Protect your child. It is your job, even though it is hard.
It is only going to get harder.

Good news is this is solve-able, (because you are an adult and they are still children) even though it is going to require some drastic action.

First step is simple. Stop referring to her as a friend on here. Practice it. It will help with your own mindset.

Your DD is better with no friends at all than this bully who is systematically breaking her confidence piece by piece. You won’t know the worst of it.

Please do her a favour and move school. Your DD will thank you (probably not even too long into the future). And do it very quickly to minimise the bullying and escalation that will happen in the interim from this girl. Go into the school in confidence (do not tell your DD) and explain exactly what has been happening and ask for help. Ask them to move your DD to a new form in the interim. Do not back down from moving her.

From today, do not allow her back in your house (personally, I wouldn’t bother with the parents now, this has gone way past that). Protect your DDs safe space.Show your DD that you have boundaries and can protect them.

Presumably at 12, you have full control over your DDs phone? You know where she is at all times through find my phone?You have full sight of what she is looking at on her phone? Once she leaves school, block the bully.

Get your daughter to a therapist.

💐

Next time DD's friend comes over tell them both that you will bring some snacks out into the garden as when they are together in DD's room the paintwork is trashed.
Insist that they stay in the garden or the kitchen.

Your DD doesn't want to confront her friend so you be prepared to be the tough guy, Op.
Protect your home and DD's space.

I agree that friend is no friend but is toxic.
You can ban her from your home and you can take steps to have attend another school and take up new hobbies with new contacts.

Tbh she sounds like a bully. I had a ‘friend’ like this. She used to use my house as the extension to the bus stop in the morning then when she got another route she stopped. She stole from me too. I felt really trapped, then when my house wasn’t in her morning plans she started full scale ostracising and outwardly bullying me. Not a nice person at all. Fortunately my mum had my back (obviously) and caught her at the end of the drive trying to intimidate me. It lasted a little longer until mum went into school. After that we fortunately never spoke again. Big hugs op. All you can do is as others say and keep her away from your daughter’s room. That is her sanctuary. It’s such a difficult time though (my dd is 13, ASD, very shy and anxious 😥)

Put it this way OP, if this girl and her family moved hundreds of miles away how would you feel? Relieved, right? So you need to step up and do what it takes to keep DD away from her. Move school.

This.

I said YABU as you need to be stepping in so much harder in this situation. Even if your daughter protests you need to be loosening the grip of this friendship and separating them more / creating situations in which your child meets other people - this is not a child you want your daughter to be friends with.

You reaction is the same behaviour your daughter has learnt and frankly is why your daughter is allowing someone to treat her so poorly. You have time to change direction here but at 12, you don't have much time. If you don't like seeing your daughter in a toxic friendship now imagine how shitty it will be to see her in a toxic relationship in her 20s and 30s because she never learnt she deserves better or how to face the "distress" of ending a bad situation.

I think you need to ban this girl from your house and do all you can to sabotage their friendship. I get that your DD will be distressed and I'm sure that things will get worse before they get better. It is still the right thing to do in the long run.

It doesn't sound like she's able to stand up for herself and you need to be the adult and help her out of this abusive relationship. The longer this goes on the more harm will be done to her.

A bully who is probably manipulative and is the reason your DD doesn't have many other friends.

You need to talk to your DD about frenemies.

Great, insightful posts from @MissScarletInTheBallroom and @MirrorMirror70

Please take what they are sharing seriously. This child is not your DD's friend. She is having a negative influence on her life and it won't suddenly stop without your help.

Don't let this child teach your daughter that coercion and control is a way of life. Time to step in and protect your DD - better that she is alone for a while than under the spell of someone who doesn't want the best for her.

You need to be clear in your own head, and in the way you react to this, that this relationship is bad for your daughter in several ways.
You also need to give yourself a bit of a shake. Your daughter needs to be able to act independently of this other girl. She NEEDS this life skill.
She needs to know how to make friends. How to rub along with people she doesn't know well. Manage new social situations. She is currently wrapped in a toxic safety blanket and you have to do something about it. The inconvenience of a bit of damaged paint is minor by comparison.

She wouldn't be welcome in my home again, and would have to socialise at the park instead

@Chickencuddle Please read this very important post and reflect on it.

At the tender age of 12 your daughter has internalised the idea that this is an acceptable way for her loved ones to treat her.

She has zero experience of what a healthy, mutually respectful relationship looks like, and has zero chance of learning until she's freed herself from the stranglehold this child has her in.

Yes it will be upsetting and painful for her to lose the person she sees as her only friend. But it absolutely has to be done if she is to make any other friends.

"Oh but they've been friends since they were four!" is the sunk costs fallacy talking.

For what it's worth, I moved schools when I was 13 and have retained precisely zero friends from before that age.

I have also frequently observed other friends and partners of mine stuck in baffling, unhealthy, toxic friendships with people they have known since they were four, and with whom they have absolutely nothing in common besides having known each other since they were four.

Having been friends with someone since you were four is not a reason to stay friends with them. It's actually a reason to re-evaluate whether they are a positive person in your life, and whether you would choose to be friends with them if you met them today.

A "friend" who destroys your confidence in the way this girl has done is not someone she should keep in her life.

Almost like other cultures exist.

100% this. OP your Daughter has only learned about abusive, controlling relationships and thinks this is the norm. You both need professional help to learn healthy boundaries, what normal healthy relationships look like and how to get away from dangerous, controlling people. You have a responsibility to your child to prevent her from ending up in an abusive relationship in the future.
This thread is so distressing to read.

Some good advice here.

I know it's crazy when you're talking about a 12 year old girl but you really need to approach it like leaving an abusive marriage.

I moved school after the May half term of Year 8. My mum sorted everything out with the new school, then she told the head teacher on the day before half term that I wouldn't be coming back. And that was it. I didn't see any of those people again until I saw some of them in a random pub five years later (by which point I had loads of friends and loads of confidence and didn't give a shiny shit).

But the phone point is a really good one as well. Not only do you need to get your DD into another school away from this girl, but they need to not have each other's phone numbers anymore. That means getting a new phone number for your daughter and wiping any trace of this girl's contact details from her phone. If your daughter has any kind of social media (hopefully not at her age) she needs to delete all her accounts and set up new ones with new handles, and block this girl's known social media accounts, phone numbers and email addresses on all platforms.

In reality you probably can't stop your daughter getting in touch with this girl if she is really determined, but you can explain to her why she needs to delete her from her life and you can make it as difficult as possible for the girl to make contact with her.

Say to the Mum, "Charlotte is moving to a new school and changing her phone number. She needs a new start. I know it's not nice to hear, but Isabelle is a bully who deliberately damages and steals her property, won't let her make friends with other children and has destroyed her confidence. I am moving her to another school because I don't want them to be friends anymore. Don't let Isabelle try to contact her and don't come to the house."