Friend wrecks dds room.

[Chickencuddle]

Dd is 12 and has a friend who whenever she comes over wrecks her room in different ways.
Dd had her room painted and redone last year. This friend every time she comes over picks the paint off the walls. So everytime this girl leaves I go in and see big scrabs in paint etc. I've always just painted over and hoped it wouldn't happen again but this time I told myself it was the last time. And she did it again. She also sticks her chewing gum on dds furniture (there is a bin in the room)
Wish pop her squishes and break her toys and its an "accident" has also taken things before. No way to prove it but things go missing agter she has been abd she has shown an interest on these things previously.
Aibu to message the mummy about talking to her dd? I have spoken to her but only lightly and she kind of laughed it off and said "opps" then it happens again.

Have actually spoken about changing schools but dd very strongly doesn't want to. Mum messaged back and said she was so sorry and she would speak to her dd.

the first time any child came in to my house, vandalised my kids bedroom, broke her toys, and stole her stuff, would be the last time that child ever set foot over my threshold.

Don't have her in your house... simple.

You've posted to ask for the solution, then have been provided with the very obvious solution and now you're just arguing about it.

It's your house, say she can't come over anymore, or accept that your DDs things get broken. She's clearly not able to stand up for herself, so it's your job to do it for her as her parent.

It screams of some kind of neurodivergence/developmental delay

Does it though? The child leaves her own freshly-painted room untouched. It’s just DD’s room she spoils.

This is infuriating. OP your DD doesn't know what she wants, she's a child who is being abused by a bully. It's your job to make those decisions on her behalf.

You probably just dropped a bomb on your kids friendship at a critical development time.

This childhood to teen phase is the point where friends tend to make or break (often break and many just fizzle out) but if ignited by a 'fall out' it can easily swing from friends to enemies... my WORST bullies in my teens had been previous friends.

All you had to do was not have her in the house.

You need to model the behaviour you want to see from your daughter. That starts with not allowing that little madam to trash your daughter’s room. Stand up to her and put her in her place and ensure she knows that because not acceptable. Ban her from the bedroom and tell her why. Behaviour continues, she gets sent home.

If you want your daughter to stand up to a bully, you need to do it first.

Not really i asked if I would be unreasonable to message the mum. Many people have validated that I'm not unreasonable and also many people said to speak with the mother.

OP, I was raised in an abusive household and have two teenage daughters who have significant vulnerabilities when it comes to friendships. I was like you for years. I saw red flags, I felt uneasy and unhappy about certain things, I knew the friends behaviour was wrong. And I didn’t know how to deal with it, and I didn’t have the confidence or assertiveness skills to draw reasonable boundaries.

I recently had to sit with my 16 year old and unpick the situation, and apologise for not protecting her. My youngest has recently started having similar issues and I have immediately drawn the boundary - that girl is not allowed in our house. Even if she never made another friend (but she quickly did), that girl would still not be allowed in our house. Actions have consequences, a good lesson for the girl in question and a good example to my children that I have learned how to protect them from the mistreatment of others.

Please, please don’t let this girl continue. I found therapy very helpful in recognising what I had been victim to, and in how to start standing up for myself and my children.

Op there's a good book called "bullies bigmouth and so called friends" perhaps buying this and some other books on fake friendships, toxic patterns etc would be useful for your DD and you to read together.

Perhaps tell her although you understand she's not confident and loves this friend, she NEEDS to broaden her friendship group otherwise you'll have to consider asking the school to move her into a different form ?? Emphasise how it's not healthy to put everything into one person and well rounded people have friends from all different circles

Girl guides or pony club would be nice. And don't tell her the details of the club so she can't tell her friend lol

Thank you that's so helpful will look into that as we love reading together.
We have tried not telling her but she always finds out somehow.

The obvious solution is not having her around anymore. Get them to hang out elsewhere - any parks nearby?

I would message the mother but also maybe tell them it’s worth checking if there’s something else going on. It’s very persistent picking.

YABU for continuing to have her round.

Join her into a new club. If she turns up, then tell friends mum that you really want your DD to have a wider friendship circle, as she is so close with df to exclusion if everyone else, so could she find an alternative hobby?

I agree with all of this (although I think OP has subsequently clarified that she is on good terms with the other Mum). My only point is that if OP decides to contact the other Mum, by phone may be a less confrontational way to do it than the inevitable bluntness of a text. 🙏

That is quite sad. Your DD is letting her do that because she doesn't want to lose her only friend. We've all been there, but she can't allow this person to treat her like this.

That’s what I thought, if I said mummy to my dd she would be mortified. Been having a few conversations due to having a child this age and I am often shocked how babied some of this kids are.

Sigh. As ive said before we live in Northern Ireland. Here everyone says mummy. Even an adult talking about their another adults mother. They might say "how's your mummy doing?" ITS normal here.

You need to go grow a backbone. You’ve allowed this to escalate to this point. So what if she doesn’t want to change schools. You’re the parent. You call the shots. You’re being a doormat.

Sounds like your daughter has a jealous frenemy.

@Lucy2586 What’s your problem? People in England saw Mum. People in Northern Ireland say Mammy and Mummy. King Charles even referred to his own Mother is Mummy so wind your neck in.

@ComfortFoodCafe You wind your neck in too.

@ComfortFoodCafe @Lucy2586 Hsve either of you anything to say about my user name of Weemammy21? Take a guess where i am from and kindly refrain from any offensive comments about people from different areas.

I love this about NI I think it’s a lovely way to refer to your mother irrelevant of age, I’ve never liked mum.