Friend wrecks dds room.

[Chickencuddle]

Dd is 12 and has a friend who whenever she comes over wrecks her room in different ways.
Dd had her room painted and redone last year. This friend every time she comes over picks the paint off the walls. So everytime this girl leaves I go in and see big scrabs in paint etc. I've always just painted over and hoped it wouldn't happen again but this time I told myself it was the last time. And she did it again. She also sticks her chewing gum on dds furniture (there is a bin in the room)
Wish pop her squishes and break her toys and its an "accident" has also taken things before. No way to prove it but things go missing agter she has been abd she has shown an interest on these things previously.
Aibu to message the mummy about talking to her dd? I have spoken to her but only lightly and she kind of laughed it off and said "opps" then it happens again.

In an ideal world this would be a good and reasonable step.... but I'd be very cautious and really really try all other methods before this one unless you are very confident that the other Mum is reasonable and will understand. I don't think she will do anything to disadvantage her own DD tho. And lets face it the child must get this behaviour from somewhere. And really what can she do except talk to her... she will probably do as you've observed say "oops" and carry on.

I say this Due to the danger of it exploding, eg the mum refusing to believe her darling is anything but perfect.. telling said darling.. who will resent it and being a bully will start taking it out on your DD and this could make the whole situation worse. Look at the theatre group situation and that is when she's on reasonably good terms with your dd. What would she be like when she gets her back up.

That's often why parents are advised to let the school deal with behaviour rather than approaching the other child's parents directly.

When I read that she never trashes her own lovely room, I thought that's a good sign that her trashing your DD's room and taking her stuff really is deliberate.

Tread gently... and keep your DD busy in activities outside of school without letting the friend know about it, so she has a chance to meet people without this baby Queen Bee getting in the way. Tell her to roll her eyes and say I don't know, my Mum keeps sending me to stuff but what can I do.

Make excuses not to have her round to your house and stop facilitating lifts and playdates. Blame it on work or something plausible.
If you can, break the cycle of your DD being dependent on this girl as her "bestie", because she is not this other girls bestie by any means. I agree with the PP who said she's treating your DD like a follower and not a friend. Encourage her to think of this girl as just one of the girls at my school. ie she's not the only one.
I think you need to keep a very close eye on this and do all you can to turn your DD's focus to new friends but without causing a backlash from the Friend.

Part of the problem is that having known each other so long, your DD is very familiar to this girl compared to other girls in her class and so she's more confident about acting this way with her.

Let me be clear, from the POV of a girl who grew up like your DD with that kind of 'friend'

She is NOT your DD's friend.
She is her BULLY.

By continuing to allow this friendship, you're letting your DD be systematically picked on, isolated and being made to feel worthless.

Get her away from this child ASAP. PLEASE..

I stayed 'friends' with mine (well, when i was allowed to be her friend/she was speaking to me) until i was 16 and she went to a different school, and i was finally permitted to make friends of my own. She made my life hell, but i didn't have any other friends.. so was stuck with her.

It's followed me all through life.. being her 'friend' taught me how to avoid being the target, how to tolerate being constantly picked on.. how to let people do what they want/say what they want. It took me YEARS to get over it.

Please, do not let this bullying of your DD to carry on.

She's abusive. Are you able to speak to school to start separating them two?

She’s not her friend.
how much of her confidence issues is down to this “friend”.
how much of her not having other friends is also down to this “friend”

I have spoken to friend multiple times over different things. Please don't assume I haven't. Also spoken to dd countless times about it.

Putting the issue of the friend wrecking DDs room aside, this is a very unhealthy dynamic for your daughter and you should be doing everything to help her widen her friendship group and separate herself from her friends a little. I’m not saying they can’t be friends but she shouldn’t be so attached to one person that she can’t attend any clubs etc without her.

What would happen to your daughter is the girl decides she no longer wants to be friends with DD or they end up going to separate schools etc?

“She's adamant she won't do anything without her.”

This is very worrying and wrong and you should not have given in and stopped her activities away from her friend.

And yes as others have said you need to stand up to the girl, you can’t keep lettering her get away because you want to protect this unhealthy relationship she has with your DD.

yet you continue to allow her in your house, and in your DD's room where she spoils, breaks, and vandalises her belongings.

wtaf?

But that won't stop it happening, the girl clearly doesn't care. The only way to stop it is to stop her going upstairs

Otherwise dd has no friends round?

Your DD’s friend is a bully and it’s a shame that you didn’t post this years ago so we could advise you to discourage this toxic dynamic.

I suspect that your DD’s lack of confidence is directly linked to the fact that her best friend is a bully and that the behaviour has been normalised over the years. It’s really sad that this girl has been allowed to squash your DD’s spirit and that she accepts this terrible behaviour because of a fundamental lack of confidence. She recognises her friend’s bad behaviour but can’t act in her own interests and do things like keep her extra curriculars secret 😢

I would not be allowing her to come round any more and if her mum asks, I’d be telling her the truth. Your dd needs protecting and this is the only way to protect her safe space- her room

I would never invite her back. If her mum asked, I would explain why

"Also this girl has been dds bestie since they were 4. They really are like sisters and so close. I'd hate to cause distress by breaking that up"

From everything you've said she's a really bad influence on your DD and it really looks like she could cause your DD even more distress if you allow it to carry on.
Stop referring to her as your DD's "Bestie" or "like a sister" and "so close" that implies a loving and loyal friendship which this isn't. Words matter. Those phrases create expectations of how the relationship should be, which is confusing for your dd (not your fault btw just the way it is) She's actively stopping her from making other friends for one thing.
Think of it as "conscious uncoupling" to allow your DD room to breath and make other friendships and develop her own likes, talents and opinions without this Friend dominating and influencing her all the time. It sounds suffocating.

Kids change all the time and knowing someone since they were 4 isn't a guarantee that everything is dandy.

I can see why you're finding this tricky but you are the adult here and it's your home.
My children can have whoever in the house whenever they like (within reasonable hours) but only as long as they respect our dc and our home. It sounds like this friend does neither.
In this case I'd give the friend a warning that if they can't leave dds room as they found it then they won't be able to visit anymore - and stick to it.

Hence why you need to focus on helping her build new friendships not prioritize an unhealthy relationship with this girl.

OP i think I remember your username. Its possible your daughter is affected by all the stuff that went on with your ex. Does she have help to process it all?

Op, I've just read your updates and this girl is BAD NEWS! Speak to your DD and speak to the school. It sounds like this girl is isolating and controlling her. My DD went through a similar thing though over a shorter time period and it was awful. The school were amazing and have continued to be amazing and the girl is not allowed to speak or approach my DD now.

Wondering also if your DD has any diagnosed or undiagnosed neurodiversity which is making friendships more challenging. Maybe she knows this girl is awful but something feels better than nothing. You really need to break this dynamic up - don't get all nostalgic about they've been friends since they were 4. This is a toxic relationship and your DD is absorbing some terrible ideas and habits around friendships that she needs to shake off asap. Contact head of year or pastoral or someone at the school and go in for a chat.

Sorry if I seem a bit full on and maybe I am projecting but I've experienced first hand how damaging a bully disguised as a friend can be xxx

Is changing schools an option?

Her "friend" sounds like a toxic little vampire and I'd move hell and high water to get my daughter away from her.

It sounds like she doesn't even particularly want to be friends with her anymore, she's just being prevented from making other friends and this horrible girl has sucked away all her confidence.

No. She won't have any bullies round. You need to look at this relationship more clearly.

Deep down you know it, OP - this girl is not your DD's best friend. Best friends don't try to isolate you from others, destroy your things or take over your interests. Friends welcome you into their circle or friends, or introduce you to others they know have something in common with you.

I don't think a person who is horrible is better than having no one your own age around to play with. Your DD will either make new friends or, with ongoing gentle encouragement, hopefully get back into attending clubs/activities she's interested in (don't tell anyone else she is going, so the group can't be taken over by the bratty and domineering 'best friend'). If not, she'll simply do things on her own.

You need to step up here and protect your DD from this abusive relationship. That’s your first job as a parent. As it is, you are condoning this abuse and your DD will be damaged.

Sorry you going thru this OP. My first thought was she was neglected child and clear she not materially but even so this child isn't well or she acting out here in a really toxic way. She sounds spoiled rotten in the old sense of the word - toning down the friendship is good for your dd and the club behaviour is outrageous. Could you sign your dd up for something and decide not to tell this bully girl? I think you need to. And im with the posters who said speak to the child yourself. Id warn her you watching her and she can sleep at home if she going to do this again. Step in here and model to your dd what calmly asserting a boundary looks like
Good luck xx

Your DD is being bullied by controlling acts of distruction.

So you need to get her involved in group activities so she can hopefully lean to make new friends.

And you or another adult need to supervise this child while she is in your home.

YABU based on your inability to stop this child coming to your home

Have you spoken to the girls mum at all? Not clear if you have.

Then look at moving schools and allow your child the space to grow into someone who can make new friends without this child driving a wedge into new relationships