Friend wrecks dds room.

[Chickencuddle]

Dd is 12 and has a friend who whenever she comes over wrecks her room in different ways.
Dd had her room painted and redone last year. This friend every time she comes over picks the paint off the walls. So everytime this girl leaves I go in and see big scrabs in paint etc. I've always just painted over and hoped it wouldn't happen again but this time I told myself it was the last time. And she did it again. She also sticks her chewing gum on dds furniture (there is a bin in the room)
Wish pop her squishes and break her toys and its an "accident" has also taken things before. No way to prove it but things go missing agter she has been abd she has shown an interest on these things previously.
Aibu to message the mummy about talking to her dd? I have spoken to her but only lightly and she kind of laughed it off and said "opps" then it happens again.

Sounds like she's in a coercive relationship.

What does her mum say when you tell her what her dd has been doing?

She sounds like some of the girls I've taught in the past when I worked in schools. I would make lovely wall displays for the books they were studying and they would tear bits off and flick them onto the floor. When they were caught doing it and asked why, they'd just shrug and say 'why not?'.

There seems to be an attitude of 'I feel like it and I don't care if it's mean and deprives other people - you can fuck off.'

I'm not sure what you can do about it (just one of the reasons that I left mainstream teaching!). They don't seem to be bothered and if their parents (the ones who care) try to reason with them or withdraw privileges, they go mad and trash their homes.

I can only say please, please keep encouraging your daughter to try new things and find other friends. I know it's hard but this girl's influence will not be in her best interests.

Don’t invite this child again, simple.

At 12 I'd expect my DC to speak up as it's happening and tell the other DC not to do it. Especially picking at paint and sticking chewing gun, those things are clearly not accidents and picking paint would be quite obvious to others in the room.

Dd has spoken up and other girl has just said she didn't mean to or it was an accident.

Yabu to let it go on this long - firdt time it happened id have read the riot act and told the mum.
you need to call or message the mum and say to the mum they can only play at her house or the park as you are sick of your house being damaged. Its been going on for ages but the girls are friends blah blah

Separately - urgently and immediately help your dd make other friends this kid sounds like a total dick.

I cant force my dd to make other friends though ive talked about it more times than I can count and tried getting her involved in other clubs etc but I can only try. Ultimately it had to come from her to make those friends and to go to the clubs and ive tried everything. She refuses to go.

They just can't hang out in her room, you'll need to supervise in your house.

You need to address this toxic friendship - she's bullying your daughter while pretending to be her friend, and your daughter seems to understand this, as she says that when her friend joins in activities your DD has started, that she spoils them. She isolates your DD from other possible friends, she won't even let your DD sit beside her in a group, and then she's being spiteful and wrecking your DDs room. She's not your daughter's friend, your DD is her victim.

I think you need to talk to the school and let them know whats happening, so they can split the girls up as far as possible - different groups in PE, not doing projects together etc. They'll have seen it before.

I think you should talk to the friend's mum, and let her know that you want your DD to make somr new friends, so you think it would be best if her DD doesn't do whatever class/hobby your DD is going to join. Probably no point in telling her how her DD has been behaving, she may not accept it.

You need to support your DD to grow away from this girl, or your DD could easily end up in a more abusive relationship with a boy, as she's learning from her friend that's her feelings aren't important, and that a toxic friendship is better than nothing.

I suggest scouts for your DD, they've well run, inclusive, build self-confidenve, and the kids who go tend to be nice.

How can you not mean to pick paint off the wall? Of course she means to! And you earlier said that she then does things when your DD isn’t looking. This is an ideal opportunity for your DD to stand up for herself.

You also said that your DD complained that this girl was getting wind of clubs DD was going to, then joining herself and taking over. So - find new clubs that are similar, or get DD to say she’s leaving but then go back? You both sound passive TBH.

Why are u so passive OP, that girl sounds a nasty piece of work!!! Do not let her in your house again, disrespectful little madam. Your dd does not need a friend like this, don’t encourage, and tell dd she’s not allowed round

Well ive tried but she lost confidence and now won't go back to any clubs.

Have you spoken to the girl? Obviously your Dd hasn’t and wouldn’t dare but if you do have her back in the house I’d be having a very stern word myself and reporting back to the mum what I’d said (in case the daughter skews the facts and tells her mum).

My daughter (10) has a friend like this (not quite to this extent but breaks stuff, makes a mess, I let them eat flapjacks on the trampoline and she crumbled it all over, she has licked her hands and made marks on the inside of my car windows, clearly struggles with impulse control) she has been diagnosed with DCD. In this situation I would avoid inviting her round but would also try to gently tell the other parent why although I know it's hard. It screams of some kind of neurodivergence/developmental delay that the child should have help with.

Id be interested to see if there was anything psychological going on in the relationship. This seems to be disrespectful, and a power play. Is the friendship a meeting of equals or could it be something more sinister is also at play?

that girl is not a friend! She is bullying your daughter by destroying her things.

I'd absolutely not have this child round, explain this to your daughter if she's old enough to understand. If her parents ask why then tell them but I wouldn't pick a fight over it

Her confidence isn't lost. It's been stolen from her by this bully. The only way to get it back is to remove this girl from her life.

I have spoken to her before just asking her not to do that and telling her ive previously had to repaint.
But she did it again. Actually this time said she did it in her sleep (sleepover) but it was in about 5 different places and lots of it. And some way down towards where her feet would have been in bed. Going to message the mum

Exactly this! She’s sounds a right piece of work!! And needs telling. Also worrying she doesn’t ‘let’ dd make other friends

That is bullying behaviour from the 'friend'. I would not let her back in the house and I would have a chat with your DD to check she is okay and find out what else is going on in this friendship. The fact you have seen this and not mentioned it to your DD and continued to let this other girl in the house sends a message to your DD that she should suck it up. She needs to learn to speak up for herself (from you!) and know that it is okay to call out shitty behaviour. She might be relieved if she knows how you feel and knows that you have her back. Stop tolerating this awful behaviour targeting your DD under your own roof. Your DD needs your help.

would not - can't edit for some reason!

You've known this 12 year old since she was 4 and you can't tell her to pack it in, and remind her you'll be checking the room before she goes home?

Jesus wept.

She's a bully, not a friend.

Send your daughter to martial arts or boxing classes, or self defense for girls. They really help to build confidence. For any group, talk with the instructor about this bully and her history of joining only to bully her out of hobbies.

Talk with the school about putting them in different classes. Good to do it at the start of a new year.

Oh and I wouldn't have her in my house anymore, but if you insist - make her empty her pockets and send her home early.