Friend wrecks dds room.

[Chickencuddle]

Dd is 12 and has a friend who whenever she comes over wrecks her room in different ways.
Dd had her room painted and redone last year. This friend every time she comes over picks the paint off the walls. So everytime this girl leaves I go in and see big scrabs in paint etc. I've always just painted over and hoped it wouldn't happen again but this time I told myself it was the last time. And she did it again. She also sticks her chewing gum on dds furniture (there is a bin in the room)
Wish pop her squishes and break her toys and its an "accident" has also taken things before. No way to prove it but things go missing agter she has been abd she has shown an interest on these things previously.
Aibu to message the mummy about talking to her dd? I have spoken to her but only lightly and she kind of laughed it off and said "opps" then it happens again.

She's not a friend. Friends respect each other and their belongings. This girl just uses and abuses your DD in the name of friendship.

This is not the friend you want for dd. Work on finding new friends not how to tolerate this one. If your dd is quiet she is likely intimidated by her.

You both need better boundaries!

This girl is not a friend, she’s a bully.

Your daughter needs to know that.

The risk is that she will spend the rest of her life equating boundary pushing and bullying with friendship and never establishing happy, positive relationships.

It genuinely is better to be alone and than with a bully.

You need to tell her off!

Whilst i get the difficulty with managing friendships at this age.... please please think about what you are teaching your daughter about future relationships, setting boundaries and recognising abusive behaviour.

You are not doing her any favours here by allowing this behaviour to continue in your home.

Just to add to other posts her, this girl is not your DDs friend! I had a “friend” like this when I was 8/9 who would scrawl all over my belongings and manipulated me to the extent she was my only “friend”. Summer holidays came and I realised she was bullying me and I was better off without her. I struggled to tell my parents this though. Reading your post brought it all back to me! Help your daughter get some real friends and support her getting some confidence to know her boundaries.

I understand that this is dd's only friend, but by allowing this girl to repeatedly treat your daughter's belongings, safe space and home in this manner you are actually showing dd that it is okay to allow people to disrespect her. Sit down with them both, lay the rules out that if damage is done then moving forward they can only be downstairs. When she does it again, because she will, you must follow through. Don't back down no matter what tears or strops are had.

Teach your daughter to respect herself.

I would bet that her friend is the one saying she can't do anything without her.

You need to stop “bf” coming round? Is it reciprocated? I bet she wouldn’t do it at home. The friendship sounds unhealthy as is your dd dependance on it.

Thanks everyone youre right I need to show dd how to stick up for herself.
I don't know about not allowing her to hang out with the friend as they go to school together and in same for. And classes and get lifts in and out together etc
Also this girl has been dds bestie since they were 4. They really are like sisters and so close. I'd hate to cause distress by breaking that up

Your real problem is not the stuff getting destroyed.

It's the relationship your daughter has and that she is clearly very focussed on this other girl and where that might go and the problems it might lead to in the future as she clearly has issues.

This. No need to go telling her mummy.
Just say ‘look Sandra, do not pick any pain, break anything or stick gum anywhere in Amanda’s room because I’ve had enough of it!’
Job done.

OP, I remember your older threads.
Please, please teach your dd boundaries and how to recognise abusive, controlling relationships. You are looking at one right here. If you are having difficulty recognising it you need to get some counselling asap.

Saying Opps! like that in response to being asked why she's damaged something is really taking the P.

That sort of behaviour towards your DD, sounds like the Friend is ... either a) asserting her dominance over your DD, or b) a bit jealous of DD's nice room and belongings... (hence trashes the paintwork and nicks what she fancies.

She's not a friend. She's walking all over your DD and thinks she can influence her.

It's difficult because you want your DD to have friends but this doesn't sound like a great friendship for your DD. I'd also bet that she discourages DD from hanging out with other friends because she wants to be in charge.

Not sure what the answer is, other than discourage this friendship (gently) and insist they stay downstairs and encourage your DD to make better friends.

Agree stand up for yourself! Get your daughter to laugh and be confident about herself in this situation too. This other child is so ignorant and disrespectful she doesn’t know how to behave. She doesn’t deserve to come to your lovely home! How dare she be so horrible. If she was a true friend she wouldn’t behave this way! No more invitations, no time together until the girl can prove herself. Meantime get her signed up for some clubs, classes, girl guides whatever to expand her circle. Otherwise you’re setting dd up to be a complete doormat.

It was probably a typo. I bet even you make mistakes sometimes and you're so very clever and important.

The girl might move, change school, decide she prefers another friend.

I'ts not doing your own DD any favour by not getting her involved in different friendships anyway.

You don’t need to break up their friendship!

But you do need to take action. Talk to your daughter, get her take on it first of all. Does she realise what’s happening? Is she upset by it? Does she have any thoughts on what’s driving this behaviour? Are equivalent bullying behaviours happening elsewhere? In a social, not material, sense maybe? (Could there be a link to why she’s so isolated and reliant on this one friend?)

And then you and her need to establish some boundaries. Ideally, given that you describe her as “like a sister”, sit this friend down (with her mum?) and start a conversation about what’s happening. Or you could call it out clearly and firmly when it happens again.

If addressing the issue leads to the breakdown of their friendship then it was never a friendship to begin with.

You're not doing your daughter any favours here. It seems that your personality is rubbing off on her. You are allowing a child to disrespect you and destroy your home, is that the role model you want to be? By the sounds of it she's already got a level of control over your daughter.

I wouldn't let them alone in the room until friend grows up and can control herself.

You sound like a doormat and your DD is clearly going the same way. It's better to have no friends than one who steals from you and bullies you! Set some boundaries.

If the little arsehole did that once she would never be back in our house no matter how friendly the two were!

This friendship sounds really unhealthy. She won't/can't do anything without a girl who trashes her room and breaks her stuff on purpose? These are 12 year olds, not toddlers. It's fucking weird behaviour for a 12-year-old to repeatedly wreck things on purpose in other people's houses, and it's worrying that your DD is so in thrall to this girl that she won't do anything without her and puts up with her stuff being wrecked.

A friend of my children’s does this (he’s 7 though) so they aren’t allowed to play in their rooms with him. If you’re worried about the rest of the house, meet in the park.
Just say to the mum that things are getting damaged during play dates and you can’t keep repainting.

Why do you think the friend is acting this way? Is it a control issue? It takes some serious wilful misbehaviour to deliberately do damage in your house when she has been told not to, that suggests confidence that there won’t be any consequences (with the usual ND caveats). So she’s either defiant or not a nice kid. Your daughter is old enough to understand this and may have an answer for you.

Is your daughter panicked at the thought of losing this friendship or just desperately shy? The confidence that this girl is displaying suggests that she may be in control more than you might like and actually have your daughter in her thrall, out of fear or long habit. I may be way off base, but something about this situation would have me worried.

Again your daughter may be adult enough for you to voice your concerns to. If she does overreact to the thought of anything threatening their friendship that would be a red flag to me. If not I would be getting very firm and having a blunt conversation with the two of them to say no more damage, chewing gum etc or they won’t be allowed upstairs again and that you will be speaking to DF’s mum if it does.