Friend wrecks dds room.

[Chickencuddle]

Dd is 12 and has a friend who whenever she comes over wrecks her room in different ways.
Dd had her room painted and redone last year. This friend every time she comes over picks the paint off the walls. So everytime this girl leaves I go in and see big scrabs in paint etc. I've always just painted over and hoped it wouldn't happen again but this time I told myself it was the last time. And she did it again. She also sticks her chewing gum on dds furniture (there is a bin in the room)
Wish pop her squishes and break her toys and its an "accident" has also taken things before. No way to prove it but things go missing agter she has been abd she has shown an interest on these things previously.
Aibu to message the mummy about talking to her dd? I have spoken to her but only lightly and she kind of laughed it off and said "opps" then it happens again.

People commenting "mummy?" Etc.
We live in NI everyone says mummy here even adults for their own mother

I'd tell her friend off myself. Hi X, what happened here? If you don't stop picking the walls and breaking DD's stuff I'll be sending your mum and dad a bill. Anyone can have an accident and that's fine, but when it happens on more than one occasion it starts to look careless or even deliberate. DD's friends are always welcome, but only on the condition that they are reasonably careful.

Sounds like major jealousy to me. Are her parents ok? Does she have her own stuff or do they struggle?

definitely nothing wrong with addressing with her mum but I would miss out the stuff going missing if you don’t want the relationship to sour. But to say that she’s been damaging things like the paint is fair enough I’d say.

Your DD would be better off without friends than being forced to be a doormat by this little brat. You need to make an effort to separate them, then get her to activities without the toxic friend.

Also this. Is there anything you watch or read together about friendships when one person behaves towards a character how the friend behaves to DD? She might get it if she sees in happening to someone else.

She's an only child and has everything she needs and more. Everything she wants when she wants etc.
Another note....she had her own room done in may and has not picked paint off her own walls.

No more time in DD’s bedroom and tell her why. It’s totally unacceptable behaviour and she is doing it deliberately. Protect your DD from this girl - I bet what you have seen is just the tip of the iceberg.

I can't believe you know the extent of the bullying and control this girl is inflicting on your daughter and yet you do nothing and actually facilitate the "friendship" (which this absolutely is NOT) continuing on.

Whether you contact her Mum is up to you, but I would recommend not doing it by text. When something like this plonks into people's inbox they get defensive. When I was a manager I had a rule, "No bad news by e-mail", and I continue that today as far as possible. Phone her up (maybe if you have to, drop a text first to ask if you can have a chat) and then you can set the tone of the conversation.

Does it make you feel clever to call a child - a child who is not here to give her side of the story - a "little brat"?

If you'd get deleted by MN for calling a poster on a thread a name, the fact that MNers get away with saying this kind of shit about kids is practically just encouragement at this point.

I'm sensing that the problem is as much her lack of respect and your concern about the healthiness of the friendship as the paintwork?

Help her expand her friendship group. This is not a true friend, it is someone your DD is hanging out with as she hasn't a stronger connection elsewhere. Do everything you can to help her develop confidence, social skills, boundaries, interests so that she can meet some nicer people.

TBH I can’t believe you haven’t banned her from your DD’s room already.

Of course she hasn’t wrecked her own toom OP. Why would she?

I believe she is not a friend at all but rather your daughter is her plaything to do as she wishes. She decides who hangs out with her, mistreats her and ruins your daughter’s things.

The attitude of the mum is shit too. I would be mortified if my DD did this to any of her friends and would make sure it does not happen again.

You are being permissive and the friend feels she rules the rooster.

Speak to your daughter and encourage other activities where this so called friend is not involved

I’m saying this gently but your daughter needs help to get out of this friendship. She is so used to the abusive behaviours that she sees it as normal. She is being set up for abusive relationships in the future as she will feel that it is all she is worth.
it’s difficult that this is her only friend, but it sounds like this is due to the friends behaviour not your daughters. You say she is quiet and shy, but is that due to the behaviour of her ‘friend’

Horrible little kid doesn't respect you or your daughter, therefore no longer comes into your house.

This. OP have you managed to get out of your own abusive relationship? Does your dd have contact with her father? ( If he is her father, I can't remember).
I am seeing a lot of red flags here and I am really concerned that you have allowed this friendship to go on for so long.

She's not a real friend. How long you know someone doesn't make you great friends. It's the quality of the friendship.

Ban her from the house. That behaviour is not acceptable.

Quite honestly, you'd be doing your DD a favour by ending this "friendship ". Its not a friendship, is it? It's creepy, bullying, manipulative behaviour. Does your DD have some additional needs, by any chance? She does sound a bit vulnerable. I would keep encouraging her to go to different groups, and even put up with the battles to get her to go.

Do you check her phone regularly?

No more chances, from now on they dont go to your daughter's bedroom. When she asks why all you need to do is neutrally remind her about the paint and the chewing gum, why would you allow it to happene again?

Banned from upstairs, non-negotiable.

they are 12 and don't always have to meet at home. can you encourage them to meet outside more esp now in the Summer? Or send DD over. At 12, this absolutely is not normal behaviour for a child without additional needs.

This 100%. It will be painful but please help your daughter extricate herself from this bullying relationship and help her learn her own self worth. It's an important lesson to learn at this age.

This girl is not your DD’s friend! I quoted your post above because it confirms what I guessed when I read your first post. This girl is a bully who’s chosen to ‘be friends’ with your DD so she can torment her and have a little meek follower (probably because this girl has no real friends due to her nastiness).

This girl purposely wrecks your DD’s room and breaks her things because she knows DD won’t say anything. It’s a power trip for her, probably motivated by jealousy too. What’s shocking is that you haven’t said anything or banned her from your house. You’re teaching your DD to be a doormat.

Tell this nasty piece of work she’s not allowed over to your house anymore; text her mum explaining why; and help your DD get out of her clutches! You can start by telling DD not to tell the girl any new clubs she’s going to. Then gradually move on to assertiveness. That will stop this girl in her tracks because she won’t be expecting that from your DD at all.

Your DD’s confidence should increase if you can get her away from this girl, and help her find new friends.