Friend wrecks dds room.

[Chickencuddle]

Dd is 12 and has a friend who whenever she comes over wrecks her room in different ways.
Dd had her room painted and redone last year. This friend every time she comes over picks the paint off the walls. So everytime this girl leaves I go in and see big scrabs in paint etc. I've always just painted over and hoped it wouldn't happen again but this time I told myself it was the last time. And she did it again. She also sticks her chewing gum on dds furniture (there is a bin in the room)
Wish pop her squishes and break her toys and its an "accident" has also taken things before. No way to prove it but things go missing agter she has been abd she has shown an interest on these things previously.
Aibu to message the mummy about talking to her dd? I have spoken to her but only lightly and she kind of laughed it off and said "opps" then it happens again.

It was her own typo that she was correcting.

OP, this girl is not a friend, she is bully. Your daughter would be better off without her, but I realise that's tricky to enforce when they're in the same class.

But if you continue letting her come to the house you need to do a lot more than 'speak to her lightly' . Under your supervision at all times, and if she misbehaves she gets a proper telling off and sent straight home.

She does not enter your house. You make it clear to your child that she is not allowed in.

If and when her parent/guardian asks why then tell them.

Protect your child by being the bad guy which means your child doesn't have to be.

She isnt a real friend then. Its time to tell your dd that real friends dont break things, damage the paintwork, refuse to use the bin for chewing gum and possibly steal things from her/her home.

maybe you could tell your dd to not let the friend in her room anymore? Or (preferably) suggest your dd should cut ties with this friend and try and find some new friends?

Either tell her off properly or don't invite her over again. Tell your DD that good friends don't destroy your property or disrespect your home.

No not okay. I wouldn't have her round unless they're in common area where you can see them and explain why or let your DD go there if you're happy with that. No issue with telling the parent but in terms that she can't come over again because of this unless you're assured it won't happen again but it still might.

I suspect this friend will be controlling as well. My daughters both struggled badly with friendships but no friends is better than controlling, nasty friendships. This girl is behaving appallingly and she needs to stop.

I would definitely speak to mum, if you do want her over again she’ll think she can keep getting away with it.
Id word it carefully too as her dd will probably deny, tell her that you dismissed it as an accident/being careless first few times but keeps happening and it’s not fair on your dd

Your daughter's friend is abusive. Your daughter has her "friend* over, friend wrecks her room.

Stop that in its tracks. She is not allowed in your home. Her time with your daughter is monitored. Personally, I'd end this " friendship" and I'd tell the mom about the destruction of your daughter's room and things and things going missing.

It would be better for your daughters self esteem (this is a life long lesson) that you show her not to tolerate this and have higher standards. One day she will be in a relationship and from what you have said be potentially easily manipulated by someone who could be toxic.

I wouldn’t stop her coming over if she’s your DDs only friend but I would say to both of them that they’re not to go to her room any more as there’s always some damage when they’ve played together up there as you can’t trust it not to happen again.

Id be worried she is bullying my DD as she’s so shy and I’d want to keep a close eye on them

There have been other issues. This friend likes to be the leader and if dd tries to make friends and shes there she will often come in and talk over dd then take that friend away somewhere else and talk to them. Make them her good friend and just kind of make sure dd is not that involved. It's hard to explain. But ive seen it happen. In schoolnif they sit in a group her friend insists on being in the middle and dd on the end. She made dd move once so she could sit where she was. It's hard as I'm not there with them while at school etc. I agree she isn't the best friend for dd. But if dd goes to any other hobbies (she went to a theatre group recently) this friend decides to go too. Then dd says its ruined because she takes over and won't let dd talk etc. Dd seems to have no confidence now to do anything without her.
I spoke to dd about her behaviour and she knows what she's like and that its not good behaviour but she insists shes nice most of the time and she loves her. I told her it doesn't matter if shes nice 90% of the time these actions show shes not a true friend. Hopefully she will mature and change. Dd does get upset but also doesn't wants to see her all the time and loves her like a sister.

But the best friend has no respect for her space. I doubt she treats your dd as her best friend.

Meet her outside the house in future.

Two possibilities
either this kid is controlling and bullying like everyone else says or she’s ND and a trail of accidents just follow her (definitely possible if your shy DD has her as an only friend) my own ND child picks paint and destroys blinds and doesn’t mean to, it just is unconscious stimming, he also breaks every squishy he owns often within hours of getting them and is very upset about it. Tends to leave a trail of destruction in his wake. This isn’t uncommon in some ND kids and isn’t malicious but does need managing and support from parents.

It's much better for her mental health in the long run to do it.

These things have life long impacts, they shape "attachments" and willingness to absorb abuse.

So you're encouraging a toxic relationship with someone who doesn't listen to her and breaks her stuff.

Translate that to her future relationships.

It is better to be alone than to be in relationship/friendship like this.

I'm wondering this as well. If she doesn't respect the daughter's room and her things, is she actually nice to the daughter? Is the daughter putting up with it because she doesn't have other friends?

“The mummy”?

Come on woman, I cannot actually believe you cannot deal with this without having to ask for advice! Speak up and tell her and your daughter in no uncertain terms that this does not go on. You are letting these 2 children walk all over you. God help you in a few years time if you cannot deal with this.

Apart from the immediate problem of this spiteful vandalism and theft committed against your daughter, she is extremely vulnerable socially if this girl abandons or turns on her as they often do at this age.

Please prioritise sitting down with her and emphasising the importance of widening her circle of friends. It’s crucial and would be very good for her. At 12 she’s surely mature enough to understand that a little courage now (if she’s anxious) will pay off later. If not, it’s something you both need to work on.

With this extra info, you need to speak to the school and to the leaders of any hobby groups. This is clear bullying and needs to be stopped.

If possible get your DD into other groups, and give her strict instructions to not tell her "friend".

Just read your update. This girl is breaking your daughter’s confidence. She is not a good friend in any form. She uses your dd as a follower not a friend. Tell dd to distance from her and help her build up confidence and work on her anxiety issues. Such friends are damaging in the long run.

Your child needs a new best friend.
Your child will grow up to be the sum product of who they spend their time with. And she will be enduring friends behaviour too.
Id be explaining to my child why this child isn’t a good friend and encouraging her to play with others and avoid this child.
Probs not the popular opinion but teaching my child to respect herself and have good quality friendships is my priority and should be yours here.
Don’t put up with it.

That’s a tough one then, I think you need to put your foot down with DD, explain that this is not healthy behaviour. You said she wouldn’t go to groups without this friend but then said she ruins the groups for her. I’d go back to try and broaden her horizon through hobbies etc