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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have organised a 40th birthday party for me and my twin?

742 replies

loonyloo · 25/08/2025 20:31

I've just had an argument with my lifelong friend about this.

I have a twin brother. We turned 40 a couple of weeks ago. I wanted a big party as it's a big milestone. I don't think that's unusual. I told my brother a few months ago that I wanted the party. He said that he didn't want a big fuss and wouldn't come.

I went ahead and organised one. His wife knew and said he'd come. The party came and he didn't show up. I'd assumed he would despite what he'd said. I was really embarrassed in front of all our extended family and friends and upset that he'd let me down. I really thought he'd come. He'd said he hadn't wanted a 21st either but I did, so my mum organised a big party for us. He was a bit grumpy about it, but he did come and enjoyed himself in the end.

I'd told my friend how upset I was about it but she didn't say very much. She can be like that though, she's a bit unfeeling. I saw her on Friday and we ended up having a disagreement about something else that escalated and the subject of the party came up. She said that I was in the wrong for throwing a party for me and my brother. She said if I wanted a party I should've thrown one for myself and not told everyone it was for both of us. She said it was an example of me "always, always having to have things your own fucking way" and that I was selfish.

I'm really upset. I don't think it's selfish of me to want to have a party and I don't see why I shouldn't have one just because my brother doesn't want one. I can't have one just for myself, everyone knows we're twins and it would look weird for me to have a birthday party without him. My friend was really rude today and needs to watch her temper. I'm a really kind person and I think it's not too much to ask for others to put themselves out for me sometimes, but I've been thinking about what my friend said and now I'm worried other people think I was selfish about the party.

OP posts:
MySaintedAunt · 25/08/2025 23:06

Your idea of a good time and your brother's idea of a good time are two different things, and that's fine.
Sounds like he's had 40 years of giving in and letting you get your own way, and he's finally thought 'sod it' and done what he actually wanted.
Don't blame him, tbh.

ormiwtbte · 25/08/2025 23:06

loonyloo · 25/08/2025 23:05

I don't think people are getting this. I did something that I genuinely thought was the right thing, and I genuinely thought my brother would come and enjoy the evening. I see now that I was wrong. But I don't think I was being selfish because my intentions were good. And my friend was rude.

The older thread was very different - it was a serious situation where emotion got the better of me. I was grieving, and reacted too strongly to something that felt similar but wasn't. Posters on that thread were mostly very kind and helped me see that I'd reacted badly. It was very different to bring told I'm a terrible person for organising a birthday party

What was the disagreement you had with your friend about before she mentioned the party and said you were selfish?

Bestwishes23 · 25/08/2025 23:07

loonyloo · 25/08/2025 22:20

Actually I invited quite a lot of his friends too. That's why I was so embarrassed, they were there for him, not me and he didn't bother to show up. I went to a lot of effort for the party

Show quote history

A lot of effort for a party you wanted. He didn't let you down because he told you he wouldn't be attending and he didn't want to celebrate with a big party.

Why can't you take no for an answer?

Fleur405 · 25/08/2025 23:08

loonyloo · 25/08/2025 22:20

Actually I invited quite a lot of his friends too. That's why I was so embarrassed, they were there for him, not me and he didn't bother to show up. I went to a lot of effort for the party

Show quote history

He didn’t “not bother to show up”, he told you he wouldn’t come because he didn’t want a party.

Can you honestly not see that you were in the wrong, even if in your mind you were trying to do something nice?

It wasn’t nice FOR HIM because HE didn’t want it. You did it all for you because YOU wanted to be congratulated on throwing a great party.

I wonder, are you never in the wrong and when you fall out with people is it always their fault?

ormiwtbte · 25/08/2025 23:09

loonyloo · 25/08/2025 22:34

No, it's a different friend. I don't think that situation is at all relevant to this one so I'm not sure why you're dragging it up

Edited
Show quote history

On that thread you say that your (other) friend said:
"Jesus fucking Christ can you for once not make it all about you? It's [mutual friend's sister's] illness and all you're talking about is how upsetting it is for you. Even when you were talking about [family member that died] you were going on about how upsetting it is for you and not [family members daughters]!"

So a second friend has now said that you make things all about you/are selfish. Maybe it's time to do some self-reflection. 97% of people on here say YABU and two friends have called you out for similar things and yet you are still on here saying that people "aren't getting it".

Zonder · 25/08/2025 23:09

loonyloo · 25/08/2025 23:05

I don't think people are getting this. I did something that I genuinely thought was the right thing, and I genuinely thought my brother would come and enjoy the evening. I see now that I was wrong. But I don't think I was being selfish because my intentions were good. And my friend was rude.

The older thread was very different - it was a serious situation where emotion got the better of me. I was grieving, and reacted too strongly to something that felt similar but wasn't. Posters on that thread were mostly very kind and helped me see that I'd reacted badly. It was very different to bring told I'm a terrible person for organising a birthday party

How could you have genuinely thought was the right thing? Your brother told you he didn't want it. Why didn't you listen to him?

SaratogaFilly · 25/08/2025 23:09

AmoozzBoosh · 25/08/2025 20:34

I think your friend has a point, you could have (probably should have) just thrown it for yourself. You knew how your brother felt about it. Nothing weird about twins celebrating separately and in their own ways.

This. Sorry Op but I’m totally with your friend.

tumblingdowntherabbithole · 25/08/2025 23:09

loonyloo · 25/08/2025 23:05

I don't think people are getting this. I did something that I genuinely thought was the right thing, and I genuinely thought my brother would come and enjoy the evening. I see now that I was wrong. But I don't think I was being selfish because my intentions were good. And my friend was rude.

The older thread was very different - it was a serious situation where emotion got the better of me. I was grieving, and reacted too strongly to something that felt similar but wasn't. Posters on that thread were mostly very kind and helped me see that I'd reacted badly. It was very different to bring told I'm a terrible person for organising a birthday party

You were selfish because he told you, quite clearly, that he wasn’t interested, yet you steam-rollered ahead anyway and just did what you wanted regardless of his feelings.

And you’re still managing to make it all about you - how about you apologise to your brother, for starters?

StillFeelingTired · 25/08/2025 23:10

OP I think it is good you have come to mumsnet for opinions. The posters here have no skin in the game and from your own words and your own descriptions have come to the conclusion that you have a tendency towards being selfish, like a bit of drama where you can be the victim and you ride over other peoples opinions and feelings. I think some serious self reflection is needed. Do you usually get your own way? I have a family member who mostly gets her own way, dressed up with a pretence that she is only thinking of others and it works because she either grinds people down or they just don’t engage. When challenged she thinks people are being mean too.

you are now 40. It might do you good to think about what friends are saying to you. It’s neon lights for us reading it. Your intentions may usually be good but at the end of the day it’s not all about you.

AmoozzBoosh · 25/08/2025 23:10

was very different to bring told I'm a terrible person for organising a birthday party

This is what I'm referring to in my last two posts. You're not a terrible person but you got something wildly wrong.

Your friends reactions - in both this and the previous thread - tell us that this is an established pattern.

If you were to work on why you feel criticism, however it's delivered, makes you feel that to accept its valid must mean you're a terrible person, then ultimately you'd end up happier and more secure in yourself. Your relationships would probably also benefit.

On this occasion, your actions were selfish, however well-intentioned. Doesnt make you an awful person. But to be a better person, learn from it.

NoThanksNeeded · 25/08/2025 23:11

loonyloo · 25/08/2025 23:05

I don't think people are getting this. I did something that I genuinely thought was the right thing, and I genuinely thought my brother would come and enjoy the evening. I see now that I was wrong. But I don't think I was being selfish because my intentions were good. And my friend was rude.

The older thread was very different - it was a serious situation where emotion got the better of me. I was grieving, and reacted too strongly to something that felt similar but wasn't. Posters on that thread were mostly very kind and helped me see that I'd reacted badly. It was very different to bring told I'm a terrible person for organising a birthday party

You were being selfish because he TOLD you he didn't want a party and you decided you knew better.

Arlanymor · 25/08/2025 23:11

Selfish - the dictionary definition - lacking consideration for other people; concerned chiefly with one's own personal profit or pleasure. You lacked consideration for your brother - hence I believe you were selfish.

At best you have convinced yourself that you wanted the best for him, but your absolute inability/incapacity to listen to what he actually was telling you is self-centred. It's not kind or nice to impose your view of what someone else wants on to them. Whether they are your twin or not. Twins can be polar opposites.

You don't seem to be able to see past the end of your own nose. It's not that other people aren't getting it - you aren't getting it - look at the poll!

You are 40, you are too old to not know that you shouldn't overrule other people's opinions in favour of what you think is best for them. That's so patronising. Did you - even once, even for a moment - ask him how he wanted to celebrate? If you didn't then that tells me everything that I need to know.

BlankBlankBlank14 · 25/08/2025 23:13

You need to learn to listen to your brother, now before your 50ths!

TheBeesTrees · 25/08/2025 23:13

User5432154321 · 25/08/2025 23:05

Right listen up you lot. Unless you’re a twin you’ll never get why @loonyloo did what she did.

OP, I’m a twin. I have a twin like your twin who doesn’t really care about being a twin.

Your birthday is never YOUR birthday (singular). It’s YOUR birthday (plural). Whether people know your twin, don’t know him, whatever, your birthday has always been shared. Of course you can do your own thing and of course he can do his own thing but it’s a shared day forever!

Deep down, organising a party for you that’s not for him (especially when you wanted your FAMILY there, who are also his family…) feels like you’re cutting him out and cutting the cord. Which you didn’t intend to do, you just wanted party and you didn’t want to leave him out because he is your twin… I totally see this. You’d feel like a prize dick, it would feel WAY more selfish than the situation you’ve ended up in. And depending if your family are anything like mine, most of them will spend half the night questioning why you’ve organised it and left him out because you’ve always been THE TWINS to them, even thought everyone will tell you your both your own person blah blah blah.

But this is the bit no one else gets because THEY ARE NOT TWINS.

So, from the pov of good intentions YADNBU. AND… from the same twin perspective I think he was being a bit unreasonable tbh. It’s literally not that big a deal for him to come for a bit and see a few old faces.

However, from the pov of execution you probably were BU because communication fell apart. Did you tell DB his friends were coming too? Did you tell them that he said no and could they have a word?

Since you asked everyone on here if YABU, you have to accept they all see something unreasonable in what you did. But like I say, how much the opinions of non-twins bothers you is up to you. On balance I would have done the same as you and either asked some family to have a word and make sure he comes, or make sure they know he isn’t.

What did your family say?

Edited

You think you're the only twin or multiple in the replies here? Cos you're not. Yes I share a birthday with my twin, and we celebrate together in a way we both enjoy (normally a nice lunch). We also then celebrate with our own individual friend groups in other ways for big birthdays. Because as much as we love each other, we are our own people as well as being twins

Jeschara · 25/08/2025 23:13

Your brother told you he did not want a party. You went ahead, and was embarrassed when he did not attend, good, you should be.
My view of you from this post is me, me, me. Its all about your wants. You are controlling and selfish. Leave your twin alone. As for you saying I am kind, you truly are not. I worked in a job where I met alot of people, and the one's who would say they are kind, are, when they are getting their own way, as soon as they are challenged they show their true colours. You remind me of these people.
You are being very unreasonable.

AmoozzBoosh · 25/08/2025 23:13

Reverse the situation op.

What if you really wanted a party but your brother didn't organise it because he thought you'd actually be happier without one (and nor did he). Even though you'd told him you wanted one.

Who'd be in the wrong?

Earbuds · 25/08/2025 23:14

I know that you meant well, hoping that he’d come round like he did before and including his friends to make it fun for him, but I also think you are failing to even try to see it from
his point of view. He clearly told you that he didn’t want to be involved. You should have organised a lovely celebration for yourself with no pressure on him, that way it would have been a bonus if he had attended, but not a problem if he chose not to. Imagine it the other way round. Not a party but something you really wouldn’t enjoy or feel comfortable with (say kayaking if you don’t like water, or parachuting if you don’t like heights etc). You communicate that clearly to your brother but he goes ahead and is then upset that you don’t join in. Wouldn’t you feel that he was a bit thoughtless?

Arlanymor · 25/08/2025 23:15

User5432154321 · 25/08/2025 23:05

Right listen up you lot. Unless you’re a twin you’ll never get why @loonyloo did what she did.

OP, I’m a twin. I have a twin like your twin who doesn’t really care about being a twin.

Your birthday is never YOUR birthday (singular). It’s YOUR birthday (plural). Whether people know your twin, don’t know him, whatever, your birthday has always been shared. Of course you can do your own thing and of course he can do his own thing but it’s a shared day forever!

Deep down, organising a party for you that’s not for him (especially when you wanted your FAMILY there, who are also his family…) feels like you’re cutting him out and cutting the cord. Which you didn’t intend to do, you just wanted party and you didn’t want to leave him out because he is your twin… I totally see this. You’d feel like a prize dick, it would feel WAY more selfish than the situation you’ve ended up in. And depending if your family are anything like mine, most of them will spend half the night questioning why you’ve organised it and left him out because you’ve always been THE TWINS to them, even thought everyone will tell you your both your own person blah blah blah.

But this is the bit no one else gets because THEY ARE NOT TWINS.

So, from the pov of good intentions YADNBU. AND… from the same twin perspective I think he was being a bit unreasonable tbh. It’s literally not that big a deal for him to come for a bit and see a few old faces.

However, from the pov of execution you probably were BU because communication fell apart. Did you tell DB his friends were coming too? Did you tell them that he said no and could they have a word?

Since you asked everyone on here if YABU, you have to accept they all see something unreasonable in what you did. But like I say, how much the opinions of non-twins bothers you is up to you. On balance I would have done the same as you and either asked some family to have a word and make sure he comes, or make sure they know he isn’t.

What did your family say?

Edited

Erm, plenty of people on here have said they are twins. And plenty more of us have twins in our lives who manage to respect the person they shared the womb with...

AngelicKaty · 25/08/2025 23:16

loonyloo · 25/08/2025 23:05

I don't think people are getting this. I did something that I genuinely thought was the right thing, and I genuinely thought my brother would come and enjoy the evening. I see now that I was wrong. But I don't think I was being selfish because my intentions were good. And my friend was rude.

The older thread was very different - it was a serious situation where emotion got the better of me. I was grieving, and reacted too strongly to something that felt similar but wasn't. Posters on that thread were mostly very kind and helped me see that I'd reacted badly. It was very different to bring told I'm a terrible person for organising a birthday party

We are getting it and 97% of people think, with good reason, that YABU whether you can accept that or not. It would have been a nice thing to organise a joint birthday party if that was what your brother had wanted, but he made it very clear to you, months ago, that he didn't want a party and wouldn't come, so you shouldn't be surprised or embarrassed about his non-attendance. It's time to be honest with yourself: you organised the birthday party because it's what you wanted, not because you were doing something nice for your brother.
Your friend could have been kinder with the expression of her feedback, but it sounds like she's rather at the end of her tether with you - possibly with good reason? Maybe give that a little introspection ...

Original poster
loonyloo · 25/08/2025 23:17

7372RR · 25/08/2025 23:05

Did his wife not warn you on the day - or even AT the party - that he wasnt turning up?

She sent me a message just before the party started saying he wasn't coming. She didn't come either. She was apologetic about it though

OP posts:
Coconutter24 · 25/08/2025 23:17

loonyloo · 25/08/2025 23:05

I don't think people are getting this. I did something that I genuinely thought was the right thing, and I genuinely thought my brother would come and enjoy the evening. I see now that I was wrong. But I don't think I was being selfish because my intentions were good. And my friend was rude.

The older thread was very different - it was a serious situation where emotion got the better of me. I was grieving, and reacted too strongly to something that felt similar but wasn't. Posters on that thread were mostly very kind and helped me see that I'd reacted badly. It was very different to bring told I'm a terrible person for organising a birthday party

Whilst you say your intentions were good they may well of been but you went against what your brother wanted, you went ahead anyway with the party because you wanted it knowing full well he didn’t and wouldn’t be coming… that is selfish because you knew what he didn’t want but because you wanted it you went ahead and did it anyway.

SuperTrooper1111 · 25/08/2025 23:17

User5432154321 · 25/08/2025 23:05

Right listen up you lot. Unless you’re a twin you’ll never get why @loonyloo did what she did.

OP, I’m a twin. I have a twin like your twin who doesn’t really care about being a twin.

Your birthday is never YOUR birthday (singular). It’s YOUR birthday (plural). Whether people know your twin, don’t know him, whatever, your birthday has always been shared. Of course you can do your own thing and of course he can do his own thing but it’s a shared day forever!

Deep down, organising a party for you that’s not for him (especially when you wanted your FAMILY there, who are also his family…) feels like you’re cutting him out and cutting the cord. Which you didn’t intend to do, you just wanted party and you didn’t want to leave him out because he is your twin… I totally see this. You’d feel like a prize dick, it would feel WAY more selfish than the situation you’ve ended up in. And depending if your family are anything like mine, most of them will spend half the night questioning why you’ve organised it and left him out because you’ve always been THE TWINS to them, even thought everyone will tell you your both your own person blah blah blah.

But this is the bit no one else gets because THEY ARE NOT TWINS.

So, from the pov of good intentions YADNBU. AND… from the same twin perspective I think he was being a bit unreasonable tbh. It’s literally not that big a deal for him to come for a bit and see a few old faces.

However, from the pov of execution you probably were BU because communication fell apart. Did you tell DB his friends were coming too? Did you tell them that he said no and could they have a word?

Since you asked everyone on here if YABU, you have to accept they all see something unreasonable in what you did. But like I say, how much the opinions of non-twins bothers you is up to you. On balance I would have done the same as you and either asked some family to have a word and make sure he comes, or make sure they know he isn’t.

What did your family say?

Edited

My DP is a fraternal twin and to some extent I agree with what you are saying about not wanting to cut the cord. BUT my DP also knows his twin better than anyone and because of that he would 100% respect his twin’s refusal not to take part in a birthday celebration that twin baulked at attending. They might be twins but I don’t think OP knows her brother or is particularly close to him otherwise she’d know that including him in party plans would backfire.

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 25/08/2025 23:17

loonyloo · 25/08/2025 23:05

I don't think people are getting this. I did something that I genuinely thought was the right thing, and I genuinely thought my brother would come and enjoy the evening. I see now that I was wrong. But I don't think I was being selfish because my intentions were good. And my friend was rude.

The older thread was very different - it was a serious situation where emotion got the better of me. I was grieving, and reacted too strongly to something that felt similar but wasn't. Posters on that thread were mostly very kind and helped me see that I'd reacted badly. It was very different to bring told I'm a terrible person for organising a birthday party

How on earth weren't you being selfish. You knew what your brother wanted, and you ignored him in order to get what you wanted instead.

You weren't doing it with the best of intentions, in fact, you completely failed to give a shit about his feelings.

AlexisP90 · 25/08/2025 23:19

User5432154321 · 25/08/2025 23:05

Right listen up you lot. Unless you’re a twin you’ll never get why @loonyloo did what she did.

OP, I’m a twin. I have a twin like your twin who doesn’t really care about being a twin.

Your birthday is never YOUR birthday (singular). It’s YOUR birthday (plural). Whether people know your twin, don’t know him, whatever, your birthday has always been shared. Of course you can do your own thing and of course he can do his own thing but it’s a shared day forever!

Deep down, organising a party for you that’s not for him (especially when you wanted your FAMILY there, who are also his family…) feels like you’re cutting him out and cutting the cord. Which you didn’t intend to do, you just wanted party and you didn’t want to leave him out because he is your twin… I totally see this. You’d feel like a prize dick, it would feel WAY more selfish than the situation you’ve ended up in. And depending if your family are anything like mine, most of them will spend half the night questioning why you’ve organised it and left him out because you’ve always been THE TWINS to them, even thought everyone will tell you your both your own person blah blah blah.

But this is the bit no one else gets because THEY ARE NOT TWINS.

So, from the pov of good intentions YADNBU. AND… from the same twin perspective I think he was being a bit unreasonable tbh. It’s literally not that big a deal for him to come for a bit and see a few old faces.

However, from the pov of execution you probably were BU because communication fell apart. Did you tell DB his friends were coming too? Did you tell them that he said no and could they have a word?

Since you asked everyone on here if YABU, you have to accept they all see something unreasonable in what you did. But like I say, how much the opinions of non-twins bothers you is up to you. On balance I would have done the same as you and either asked some family to have a word and make sure he comes, or make sure they know he isn’t.

What did your family say?

Edited

What did I just read. BOLD of you to assume none of the people posting here aren't twins.

How do you know that mystic meg? You know literally nothing about anyone here!

I hate these rude assumptive responses I really do.

Also DP is a twin and i just asked him and he said he would fucking hate it if his twin did that for him.

"Haven't had a joint party with her since I was about 7. I just want to go for dinner and come home and have a bit of peace for my birthday"

RisingSunn · 25/08/2025 23:20

loonyloo · 25/08/2025 23:05

I don't think people are getting this. I did something that I genuinely thought was the right thing, and I genuinely thought my brother would come and enjoy the evening. I see now that I was wrong. But I don't think I was being selfish because my intentions were good. And my friend was rude.

The older thread was very different - it was a serious situation where emotion got the better of me. I was grieving, and reacted too strongly to something that felt similar but wasn't. Posters on that thread were mostly very kind and helped me see that I'd reacted badly. It was very different to bring told I'm a terrible person for organising a birthday party

Imagine there was a dress you hated - and your loved one insisted they were going to buy it it for you for your 40th!! - even though you absolutely hate the colour and the style. But yet... they bought it for you anyway because they think its fabulous and don't understand why you won't wear it.

Your brother is 40 now - mature enough to state his preferences and mean them!