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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have organised a 40th birthday party for me and my twin?

742 replies

loonyloo · 25/08/2025 20:31

I've just had an argument with my lifelong friend about this.

I have a twin brother. We turned 40 a couple of weeks ago. I wanted a big party as it's a big milestone. I don't think that's unusual. I told my brother a few months ago that I wanted the party. He said that he didn't want a big fuss and wouldn't come.

I went ahead and organised one. His wife knew and said he'd come. The party came and he didn't show up. I'd assumed he would despite what he'd said. I was really embarrassed in front of all our extended family and friends and upset that he'd let me down. I really thought he'd come. He'd said he hadn't wanted a 21st either but I did, so my mum organised a big party for us. He was a bit grumpy about it, but he did come and enjoyed himself in the end.

I'd told my friend how upset I was about it but she didn't say very much. She can be like that though, she's a bit unfeeling. I saw her on Friday and we ended up having a disagreement about something else that escalated and the subject of the party came up. She said that I was in the wrong for throwing a party for me and my brother. She said if I wanted a party I should've thrown one for myself and not told everyone it was for both of us. She said it was an example of me "always, always having to have things your own fucking way" and that I was selfish.

I'm really upset. I don't think it's selfish of me to want to have a party and I don't see why I shouldn't have one just because my brother doesn't want one. I can't have one just for myself, everyone knows we're twins and it would look weird for me to have a birthday party without him. My friend was really rude today and needs to watch her temper. I'm a really kind person and I think it's not too much to ask for others to put themselves out for me sometimes, but I've been thinking about what my friend said and now I'm worried other people think I was selfish about the party.

OP posts:
ormiwtbte · 25/08/2025 23:20

I saw her on Friday and we ended up having a disagreement about something else that escalated and the subject of the party came up

Still waiting to hear what the initial disagreement was about because this whole thing wasn't just about this party.

AlexisP90 · 25/08/2025 23:23

AlexisP90 · 25/08/2025 23:19

What did I just read. BOLD of you to assume none of the people posting here aren't twins.

How do you know that mystic meg? You know literally nothing about anyone here!

I hate these rude assumptive responses I really do.

Also DP is a twin and i just asked him and he said he would fucking hate it if his twin did that for him.

"Haven't had a joint party with her since I was about 7. I just want to go for dinner and come home and have a bit of peace for my birthday"

Edited
Show quote history

And lastly OP you are getting very defensive here.

Lemme let you in on a little secret. If you come to an Internet forum and ask strangers for their opinion they are gunna give it to you.... and a lot of time you ain't gunna agree or like it...

I would consider that next time.

User5432154321 · 25/08/2025 23:23

TheBeesTrees · 25/08/2025 23:13

You think you're the only twin or multiple in the replies here? Cos you're not. Yes I share a birthday with my twin, and we celebrate together in a way we both enjoy (normally a nice lunch). We also then celebrate with our own individual friend groups in other ways for big birthdays. Because as much as we love each other, we are our own people as well as being twins

Show quote history

Given about 1 in every 100 births is a twin, statistically there’s probably not many more than us in here unless more people were attracted to this thread because they are twins.

Either way, if you are a twin, it will also be perfectly evident to you that almost every single person posting some pretty nasty responses is NOT a twin and has no intention of trying to put themselves in OPs shoes or understand the twin dynamic at all.

You’ll see from my post that I’ve put both YABU and YANBU.

But I don’t think the responses are fair because she’s asking people who will never be able to understand her lived experience, and they’re making absolutely no effort to at all.

Original poster
loonyloo · 25/08/2025 23:25

User5432154321 · 25/08/2025 23:05

Right listen up you lot. Unless you’re a twin you’ll never get why @loonyloo did what she did.

OP, I’m a twin. I have a twin like your twin who doesn’t really care about being a twin.

Your birthday is never YOUR birthday (singular). It’s YOUR birthday (plural). Whether people know your twin, don’t know him, whatever, your birthday has always been shared. Of course you can do your own thing and of course he can do his own thing but it’s a shared day forever!

Deep down, organising a party for you that’s not for him (especially when you wanted your FAMILY there, who are also his family…) feels like you’re cutting him out and cutting the cord. Which you didn’t intend to do, you just wanted party and you didn’t want to leave him out because he is your twin… I totally see this. You’d feel like a prize dick, it would feel WAY more selfish than the situation you’ve ended up in. And depending if your family are anything like mine, most of them will spend half the night questioning why you’ve organised it and left him out because you’ve always been THE TWINS to them, even thought everyone will tell you your both your own person blah blah blah.

But this is the bit no one else gets because THEY ARE NOT TWINS.

So, from the pov of good intentions YADNBU. AND… from the same twin perspective I think he was being a bit unreasonable tbh. It’s literally not that big a deal for him to come for a bit and see a few old faces.

However, from the pov of execution you probably were BU because communication fell apart. Did you tell DB his friends were coming too? Did you tell them that he said no and could they have a word?

Since you asked everyone on here if YABU, you have to accept they all see something unreasonable in what you did. But like I say, how much the opinions of non-twins bothers you is up to you. On balance I would have done the same as you and either asked some family to have a word and make sure he comes, or make sure they know he isn’t.

What did your family say?

Edited

Thank you! I think people don't get how hard it is being a twin.

I didn't tell my brother specifically that I'd invited his friends but he saw the invitations and they were very clearly about a party for both of us. And I'm sure his friends would've told him that they were coming.

Mixed views from the family. Most didn't say anything. Some thought it was weird he didn't come and asked me where he was. Some seemed to think it was funny. One of my aunts said he should've made an effort and wanted to speak to him. My dad was a bit non-committal and our older brother said he had always been a bit awkward and that I should've had a solo party

OP posts:
INeedAnotherName · 25/08/2025 23:27

loonyloo · 25/08/2025 22:18

I think you're all being a bit harsh on me. I didn't expect everyone to agree but hardly anyone is seeing this from my point of view. I wanted my brother to have a nice birthday. He can be a bit unsociable at times so needs to be encouraged to come to events and stuff but he always enjoys himself once he's there. I thought it'd be like his 21st where he ended up enjoying it.

Even if I did the wrong thing I don't think I was selfish and I think my friend was really horrible about it.

hardly anyone is seeing this from my point of view. I wanted my brother to have a nice birthday.

You aren't seeing it from HIS point of view. You want a party, he doesn't. His version of a nice birthday didn't involve a party (or you). Why do your needs and wants trump his? Be honest. Why are YOU more important than him?

CurtsyFriends · 25/08/2025 23:27

I recently had a ‘big’ birthday. I repeatedly said I didn’t want a fuss, didn’t want a party etc and just wanted it to be me and DP. So my friend took it upon herself to throw me a surprise party. Thankfully my other friends convinced her to tell me about it and I had to tell her it wasn’t what I wanted and that I wouldn’t be going as I already had plans for a day out with just DP.

You sound a lot like my friend. She didn’t do it to be mean, but it was the exact opposite of what I had repeatedly said when asked about it. It was what she thought would be nice - and perhaps she would like that herself but it was my version of hell. But she seemed to think she knew best.

seven201 · 25/08/2025 23:28

Sounds like your brother is more introvert and you’re extroverted? He’s allowed to not want a party - lots of people don’t really enjoy them. You’re allowed to have a party for just you, despite being a twin. you were wrong on this one, try and learn from it and move on. We all make mistakes.

User5432154321 · 25/08/2025 23:29

Arlanymor · 25/08/2025 23:15

Erm, plenty of people on here have said they are twins. And plenty more of us have twins in our lives who manage to respect the person they shared the womb with...

Show quote history

I’m addressing all the people who are NOT twins, read my post.

You’re clearly one of them. Knowing someone who’s a twin doesn’t mean you know what it’s like to be a twin.

Just as I don’t know what it’s like to be an only child just because I have friends who are?

2thumbs · 25/08/2025 23:30

OP, setting aside the merits of these two situations, can you not see that your friends clearly view you as selfish? Is that not an issue for you? You have had two friends telling you as much with some pretty ‘robust’ language, so their views must’ve been brewing for some time. These are now clearly not one-offs.

RisingSunn · 25/08/2025 23:30

loonyloo · 25/08/2025 23:25

Thank you! I think people don't get how hard it is being a twin.

I didn't tell my brother specifically that I'd invited his friends but he saw the invitations and they were very clearly about a party for both of us. And I'm sure his friends would've told him that they were coming.

Mixed views from the family. Most didn't say anything. Some thought it was weird he didn't come and asked me where he was. Some seemed to think it was funny. One of my aunts said he should've made an effort and wanted to speak to him. My dad was a bit non-committal and our older brother said he had always been a bit awkward and that I should've had a solo party

Show quote history

This here is the worst of it...the entire family discussing/judging him about something he never agreed on in the first place!

You really shouldn't have put him in this position. He has done nothing wrong.

NoThanksNeeded · 25/08/2025 23:32

loonyloo · 25/08/2025 23:25

Thank you! I think people don't get how hard it is being a twin.

I didn't tell my brother specifically that I'd invited his friends but he saw the invitations and they were very clearly about a party for both of us. And I'm sure his friends would've told him that they were coming.

Mixed views from the family. Most didn't say anything. Some thought it was weird he didn't come and asked me where he was. Some seemed to think it was funny. One of my aunts said he should've made an effort and wanted to speak to him. My dad was a bit non-committal and our older brother said he had always been a bit awkward and that I should've had a solo party

Show quote history

So you put your brother in an awful position? Because of what YOU wanted...

Arlanymor · 25/08/2025 23:33

User5432154321 · 25/08/2025 23:29

I’m addressing all the people who are NOT twins, read my post.

You’re clearly one of them. Knowing someone who’s a twin doesn’t mean you know what it’s like to be a twin.

Just as I don’t know what it’s like to be an only child just because I have friends who are?

Show quote history

Oh so the rest of us aren't allowed to read or respond to your post? Or indeed to read and respond to OP's post? That's a new rule... maybe it should have been spelled out in the title: GATEKEEPING POST - DON'T READ/RESPOND UNLESS YOU ARE A TWIN.

Twins have responded on here who think your POV and the OP's is completely batshit. Plus being a twin doesn't prohibit you from behaving with basic decency and respect. Which is the fundamental issue here - twin or no twin. Also at the age of 40 you would have thought the average person - whatever their sibling arrangement would have learned that 'no' means 'no'.

Also another friend in a previous scenario - which is nothing to do with a twin - has given the OP the exact same feedback as the friend in this scenario...

samplesalequeen · 25/08/2025 23:34

You tried to do a nice thing and it backfired.
Im not a twin so I don’t know how it would feel to organise a solo birthday.

id maybe want to know what your friend means by always having to have things your own way. I’d dig deeper on that one if it were me.

hope you had a good birthday otherwise 😃 I was 40 in April…and I feel old!

ReadingSoManyThreads · 25/08/2025 23:35

Well I'm a bit unsociable at times and I'd have been majorly fucked off if I was your brother. I'm not sure if your brother is an introvert like me, or socially awkward like me, but expressly doing something like this that I'd said no to would leave me furious with you and creating distance from you as you clearly do not listen or respect my wants.

No one is being harsh to you, you just aren't prepared to realise you were wrong. You owe your brother a sincere apology for overstepping and being disrespectful towards him.

Original poster
loonyloo · 25/08/2025 23:36

ormiwtbte · 25/08/2025 23:06

What was the disagreement you had with your friend about before she mentioned the party and said you were selfish?

Show quote history

We'd been talking about a hobby of mine. My friend seemed interested so I invited her along next time I go. She declined. I tried to gently encourage her. I think it would be good for her mental health and and she had been asking questions it seemed like she was really interested but might've needed some encouragement to help her get over her reservations (but I didn't say I thought it'd be good for her). We had a bit of back and forth and she blew up at me saying I was trying to force her and compared it to the party

OP posts:
BadLad · 25/08/2025 23:38

We get so many tales on here of spineless weaklings who end up attending things or doing favors they hate because they are incapable of saying no. It’s refreshing to read about someone refusing to go to a party they had made it clear they didn’t want.

AngelicKaty · 25/08/2025 23:39

User5432154321 · 25/08/2025 23:05

Right listen up you lot. Unless you’re a twin you’ll never get why @loonyloo did what she did.

OP, I’m a twin. I have a twin like your twin who doesn’t really care about being a twin.

Your birthday is never YOUR birthday (singular). It’s YOUR birthday (plural). Whether people know your twin, don’t know him, whatever, your birthday has always been shared. Of course you can do your own thing and of course he can do his own thing but it’s a shared day forever!

Deep down, organising a party for you that’s not for him (especially when you wanted your FAMILY there, who are also his family…) feels like you’re cutting him out and cutting the cord. Which you didn’t intend to do, you just wanted party and you didn’t want to leave him out because he is your twin… I totally see this. You’d feel like a prize dick, it would feel WAY more selfish than the situation you’ve ended up in. And depending if your family are anything like mine, most of them will spend half the night questioning why you’ve organised it and left him out because you’ve always been THE TWINS to them, even thought everyone will tell you your both your own person blah blah blah.

But this is the bit no one else gets because THEY ARE NOT TWINS.

So, from the pov of good intentions YADNBU. AND… from the same twin perspective I think he was being a bit unreasonable tbh. It’s literally not that big a deal for him to come for a bit and see a few old faces.

However, from the pov of execution you probably were BU because communication fell apart. Did you tell DB his friends were coming too? Did you tell them that he said no and could they have a word?

Since you asked everyone on here if YABU, you have to accept they all see something unreasonable in what you did. But like I say, how much the opinions of non-twins bothers you is up to you. On balance I would have done the same as you and either asked some family to have a word and make sure he comes, or make sure they know he isn’t.

What did your family say?

Edited

Right, listen up you. I have an identical twin and I would never have organised a joint birthday party for us (and nor would she for me) if it wasn't something we both wanted.
You sound as self-absorbed as @loonyloo . Have you ever considered that your twin "doesn't really care" about being your twin, with your claustrophobic view of your shared birth joining you at the hip for ever more? In our adult lives, my twin sister and I have spent only our 40th birthday together (on holiday) because we both wanted to do that, but if one of us hadn't wanted to, we wouldn't have - and there wouldn't have been an issue with that for either of us. We have separate lives with separate friends because we are individuals.
Your twin relationship is not representative of all twin relationships and you need to stop arrogantly assuming it is and telling people they couldn't possibly understand because they're not twins when so many of us actually are! 🙄

Jellybellycat · 25/08/2025 23:40

You had no right organising a party for your bother when he was clear he didn’t want one and that he wouldn’t come.

Your intentions were not good on that basis. You ignored what he wanted and ploughed on ahead with what you wanted.

Even if he had turned up - this would have been on the basis of him feeling obligated, not because he wanted to.

You disregarded his feelings and prioritised your own.

You could have had a celebration yourself and avoided this mess.

AmoozzBoosh · 25/08/2025 23:41

loonyloo · 25/08/2025 23:36

We'd been talking about a hobby of mine. My friend seemed interested so I invited her along next time I go. She declined. I tried to gently encourage her. I think it would be good for her mental health and and she had been asking questions it seemed like she was really interested but might've needed some encouragement to help her get over her reservations (but I didn't say I thought it'd be good for her). We had a bit of back and forth and she blew up at me saying I was trying to force her and compared it to the party

Show quote history

Honestly, I applaud your good intentions here - you sound caring...but you also seem to struggle with respecting the boundaries of other people and accepting that no means no.

Back off a bit.

User5432154321 · 25/08/2025 23:42

loonyloo · 25/08/2025 23:25

Thank you! I think people don't get how hard it is being a twin.

I didn't tell my brother specifically that I'd invited his friends but he saw the invitations and they were very clearly about a party for both of us. And I'm sure his friends would've told him that they were coming.

Mixed views from the family. Most didn't say anything. Some thought it was weird he didn't come and asked me where he was. Some seemed to think it was funny. One of my aunts said he should've made an effort and wanted to speak to him. My dad was a bit non-committal and our older brother said he had always been a bit awkward and that I should've had a solo party

Show quote history

They don’t get it OP.

Heres the bit everyone is missing.. this was a FAMILY party with all the aunts, uncles, cousins, parents, siblings etc? Him not being included in that as a TWIN is just fucking weird. If it was just friends, fine… then you can just do your own but as a twin you cannot have a birthday party, invite all your family, and leave him out?!!

You basically had two choices.

  1. Not have a party at all… which makes him the selfish one, why shouldn’t you have some fun?
  1. have your party and do everything you could to make sure he could be part of it with as little effort on his part as possible, eve if that just meant turning up and saying hi to a few people

In your scenario I simply can’t imagine any option in between, unless it involved friends only (which I think is what everyone is picturing) and no family.

ThankULord · 25/08/2025 23:42

loonyloo · 25/08/2025 23:36

We'd been talking about a hobby of mine. My friend seemed interested so I invited her along next time I go. She declined. I tried to gently encourage her. I think it would be good for her mental health and and she had been asking questions it seemed like she was really interested but might've needed some encouragement to help her get over her reservations (but I didn't say I thought it'd be good for her). We had a bit of back and forth and she blew up at me saying I was trying to force her and compared it to the party

Show quote history

OP, can you not really see what your friends are trying to tell you? You come across as totally lacking in insight.

All your posts about your disagreements with friends (even this one) is all about you pushing your ideas on others.
Like you tried to do with your brother for your 40th birthday.
Like you did in your post in 2022.
And like in this post above.

Why do you find it difficult to accept other people's needs/wants/ideas?
You dress it up as being kind or having good intentions but that's only up to a certain point. You have to know when to stop and accept people's 'No'.

AngelicKaty · 25/08/2025 23:44

loonyloo · 25/08/2025 23:25

Thank you! I think people don't get how hard it is being a twin.

I didn't tell my brother specifically that I'd invited his friends but he saw the invitations and they were very clearly about a party for both of us. And I'm sure his friends would've told him that they were coming.

Mixed views from the family. Most didn't say anything. Some thought it was weird he didn't come and asked me where he was. Some seemed to think it was funny. One of my aunts said he should've made an effort and wanted to speak to him. My dad was a bit non-committal and our older brother said he had always been a bit awkward and that I should've had a solo party

Show quote history

How is it hard being a twin? I have an identical twin and it isn't hard at all. We accept that we don't agree on everything and respect each other's wishes. If your twin relationship is difficult it's because you disregard your brother's PoV even when he's clearly stated it. YABU.

AmoozzBoosh · 25/08/2025 23:44

User5432154321 · 25/08/2025 23:42

They don’t get it OP.

Heres the bit everyone is missing.. this was a FAMILY party with all the aunts, uncles, cousins, parents, siblings etc? Him not being included in that as a TWIN is just fucking weird. If it was just friends, fine… then you can just do your own but as a twin you cannot have a birthday party, invite all your family, and leave him out?!!

You basically had two choices.

  1. Not have a party at all… which makes him the selfish one, why shouldn’t you have some fun?
  1. have your party and do everything you could to make sure he could be part of it with as little effort on his part as possible, eve if that just meant turning up and saying hi to a few people

In your scenario I simply can’t imagine any option in between, unless it involved friends only (which I think is what everyone is picturing) and no family.

Show quote history

Or (crazy thought) simply explain that he didn't want a party??

Family would understand. Unless they're all massively enmeshed....

ormiwtbte · 25/08/2025 23:45

loonyloo · 25/08/2025 23:36

We'd been talking about a hobby of mine. My friend seemed interested so I invited her along next time I go. She declined. I tried to gently encourage her. I think it would be good for her mental health and and she had been asking questions it seemed like she was really interested but might've needed some encouragement to help her get over her reservations (but I didn't say I thought it'd be good for her). We had a bit of back and forth and she blew up at me saying I was trying to force her and compared it to the party

Show quote history

Thank you for answering my question.
I can see here that you thought you were doing a good thing by encouraging her but she felt forced and that is comparable to the party because you tried to force your brother into a party he didn't want.
So this means that there have been two similar incidents recently where someone else has felt that you were forcing them or pushing them to do something that they didn't want because you thought it would be good for them - you thought the hobby would be good for your friend's mental health and you thought it would be good for your brother to go to the party and be more sociable.

You have talked a lot about people on the thread not seeing it from your point of view because you were trying to be nice to your brother and you were trying to be nice to your friend. But it's gone pear-shaped twice so that means you do need to have a think about how you are coming across.

I feel like you seem to be a bit pushy. I feel overwhelmed by pushy people. I really wouldn't like to be on the receiving end of either of these two incidents.
Your friend declined to go to the hobby but you kept pushing it and your brother declined the party and you went ahead with it anyway.

OP, if someone says no to something you need to accept that that is their answer and that needs to be the end of it. No pushing further beyond that point. It's upsetting for someone on the receiving end of it. They've said no and you keep going and that sort of thing always ends up escalating into someone losing their temper (as you said your friend did).

Please have a think about it OP.

AllyDally · 25/08/2025 23:46

loonyloo · 25/08/2025 22:20

Actually I invited quite a lot of his friends too. That's why I was so embarrassed, they were there for him, not me and he didn't bother to show up. I went to a lot of effort for the party

Show quote history

But he didn't want you to go to the effort, he made it clear he didn't want a party. It IS selfish as you did it as it was what you wanted.