To have organised a 40th birthday party for me and my twin?

[loonyloo]

I've just had an argument with my lifelong friend about this.

I have a twin brother. We turned 40 a couple of weeks ago. I wanted a big party as it's a big milestone. I don't think that's unusual. I told my brother a few months ago that I wanted the party. He said that he didn't want a big fuss and wouldn't come.

I went ahead and organised one. His wife knew and said he'd come. The party came and he didn't show up. I'd assumed he would despite what he'd said. I was really embarrassed in front of all our extended family and friends and upset that he'd let me down. I really thought he'd come. He'd said he hadn't wanted a 21st either but I did, so my mum organised a big party for us. He was a bit grumpy about it, but he did come and enjoyed himself in the end.

I'd told my friend how upset I was about it but she didn't say very much. She can be like that though, she's a bit unfeeling. I saw her on Friday and we ended up having a disagreement about something else that escalated and the subject of the party came up. She said that I was in the wrong for throwing a party for me and my brother. She said if I wanted a party I should've thrown one for myself and not told everyone it was for both of us. She said it was an example of me "always, always having to have things your own fucking way" and that I was selfish.

I'm really upset. I don't think it's selfish of me to want to have a party and I don't see why I shouldn't have one just because my brother doesn't want one. I can't have one just for myself, everyone knows we're twins and it would look weird for me to have a birthday party without him. My friend was really rude today and needs to watch her temper. I'm a really kind person and I think it's not too much to ask for others to put themselves out for me sometimes, but I've been thinking about what my friend said and now I'm worried other people think I was selfish about the party.

This makes me petrified of my twins growing up, truly believing they are somehow linked for life, to have to celebrate together for being wombmates. If one of mine doesn't want a party but one does, then that's fine. I just hope that other FAMILY know them enough to know it isn't their thing. Then the other can have a party without it being made into someone else's event.
Op you weren't wrong wanting to share you're party together. But you were unfair when he said he didn't want to. I don't think you deserve the flack from the thread though. It's ok to want to celebrate with the people who matter the most, and it's a shame that he doesn't feel the same.
Edited for spelling

No he’s done what he’s wanted for the last 20 years, which is nothing… you could very easily have had 20 years worth of parties if you’d have wanted to. I don’t understand this all or nothing mindset, there is a third option in addition to joint party/no party- you organise a party on your own?

OK OP, so we've established that your brother doesn't attach anything like the same importance to being a twin that you do. He wants to be an individual in his own right, not half of a pair of twins. He's allowed to do so.

You still need to think hard about what your friends have said about you always having to make things about yourself. You've given other examples of you doing that. If you don't reflect and stop doing it, you'll find yourself with no friends eventually.

They'll be fine.

Mine had a joint 18th as they were inviting so many of the same people. Different 21sts as one was having a party with about 300 people and the other was having an afternoon tea with 14.

Had the OP not insisted on including her brother as it being his party he may have come as a guest - my girls have always attended each other's family celebrations. It was the adamant on him being thrown a party that caused the issue for the OP.

The flack the OP is rightly getting is because she seems to have no grasp of the fact that her brother is allowed to want to celebrate his birthday in his way as well.

Thank you for this it truly worries me that the end results can be catastrophic if it's isn't done right

Thank you for this it truly worries me that the end results can be catastrophic if it's isn't done right

That's not any different to any other family. I'm NC with my siblings because they were demanding, rude and stemmed into abusive. I'm the youngest by 9 years.

Sensible parenting is all it needs. They're twins yes and when they want to celebrate that celebrate it. However, they are also two individuals and that should also be celebrated. So they should have the freedom to dress differently, have different friends and celebrate their birthday how they want to (obviously within family budgets etc).

But it’s his birthday too so why should we celebrate her? He is not stopping her for having a lovely day for herself.

We don’t know his side of story. I have a ‘me, me, I am so perfect’ sibling like op and who on every occasion wants to be the centre of attention, is loud, doesnt listen, constantly talks over, take offence on smallest things but not afraid to do much hurtful things to you, has no self awareness, says I am who I am. As an older sibling, I took all that nonsense because I was told they are the younger ones, now in my 40s I have had enough.

I used to celebrate them, and wanted to have a close relationship but this time I didn’t even wish them on their birthday because I am sick of them changing narratives when they do something hurtful and then because they have loud mouth telling our relatives their own version, at the same time massive silent treatments. Of course, it’s all because our parents enabled this from very young age.

i am not sure op and her brother have same problem but sometimes in close families when parents tell the introvert child to suck it up to the extrovert, eventually relationship between siblings fall apart.

Yes it can be if you expect one to compensate for other like my parent did and that became the norm and very hard to deal with. Now my sibling and I have no relationship.

I think in your own words, you're completely overthinking this and catastrophosing this. I admittedly am not close to my twin now but was growing up and we still did seperate birthdays since we were children due to having seperate friends.

It was fine, there was really nothing to it. No drama or anything, no different to my other sibling arranging something to his birthday. My parents left it to us to decide what we wanted to do and it was organised accordingly. And as we became adults we've never celebrated together. It's absolutely fine, it's not something I even think about. My birthday doesn't feel any less like "my day" because I am a twin. I can't believe half the drama or worrying about it I've read on this thread!

That’s all you got from all these posts?

Totally derailing from the thread. But as a parent I feel like it's easy to go too far one way or the other. They have a special link but that isn't everything about them and all they should be. From my perspective though I can see it would be hurtful to feel like your sibling isn't that interested in that bond. But you're right definitely making it into something far bigger whilst watching these two run around like crazy people.

Do you realise that doubling down on your thoughtless behaviour just means you're behaving doubly thoughtlessly?

Your brother told you he didn't want a joint party, you organised a joint party

He told you he wouldn't come, you assumed he would - and invited others on the pretence that he would

I withdraw my earlier comments about you not knowing how selfish you are, because all you are doing is showing everyone what a horrible, self-centred, arrogant, selfish sister you are

His birthday, his choice
You have no right to insist he has to spend his birthday doing what you want

And I have to say, I don't blame him
I'd never want to go out to dinner with you, either

The way you've behaved for at least 19 years (and, I suspect, for much, much longer) I am not surprised

> every year we do what he wants to do, which means we do nothing!!!

Why?
Why can't you celebrate your birthday without him?

> There is no give and take in any of this
Well, we've seen that's not true - it's all 'take' from you and the assumption that he will 'give'

Some do, some don't - and sometimes, as in this case, one of a twin does, one doesn't

Everyone parents differently but we were just brought up as two individuals who happened to share a birthday. My parents never put any pressure or emphasis on us being "the twins" or that we should have this special bond between us and my relationship with my twin was no different than my other sibling growing up, in fact they were the closer pair and were more likely to be paired up as they were both boys! And I'm so glad that's how it was.

Honestly me and my twin now are civil and get on fine, but we aren't particularly close and neither of us is interested in maintaining this special bond or link we have and its completey fine, nothing hurtful about it. It's not something I ever give much thought too!

He said that he didn't want a big fuss and wouldn't come
upset that he'd let me down

I think youve let him down and hes probably had 40 years of this shit and has had enough. You may be twins but that doesnt mean he has to do everything you want to do. You should apologise for putting him in that position and trying to railroad him and battering down his boundaries.

Your friend sounds like she was very aggressive so I can only assume she is also sick of your shit and puts up with a lot from you.

Team friend here

Do you have any siblings? Would you like it if they basically refused to mark your birthday, ever? Ignore the twin aspect for now. Just think how it would feel if your brother refused to ever show up for you. Can't you see how hurtful that could be?

But it's not as simple as a brother not turning up as it's his birthday too which means he will be in the limelight also and he doesn't appear to want that. If a sibling just doesn't 'do' birthdays I would accept that.

Also, the fact that you had to accompany him to sports training 20+ years ago when you were children is really by-the-by. That's a blooming long time ago, he doesn't owe you for that. I'm sure that isn't what you meant, but I thought it was quite an odd thing to bring up.

I think one of the things that the thread has helped me with is that my brother isn't as interested maintaining a relationship with me as I am with him, rightly or wrongly. I think it'll be better for me if I stop wasting my time and emotional energy expecting any different from him. If I go low contact with him that will probably make him happier too.

Or maybe he just doesn't want to celebrate birthdays? He sounds like an introvert (as am I) and maybe celebrating your joint birthdays together growing up made him uncomfortable and that's why he doesn't want to do that now? I am surprised that's your take from this thread unless there's more backstory than this? Seems like an overreaction. If you are hurt about a lack of card then tell him that.

I celebrate birthdays with OH and DC only. I do not want/have a party and we go away for my milestone ones. I have told OH absolutely no surprise parties. BTW he is absolutely rubbish at remembering any birthdays or anniversaries (same with his brothers) and I have to remind him about Mothers/Fathers days.

I have noticed that when someone really doesn't want to listen to advice they will react to one thing and then ignore the rest. Some posters may have been harsh but many have given constructive advice and/or tried to give you a different perspective to your one of feeling resentment. Maybe take a step back from this thread and come back to try and calmly read some of the comments and/or see past some negativity?

Number of posters actually calling you a see-you-next-tuesday = 0

But you are a twin, so it is his birthday too. This isn't about him not wanting to spend your birthday with you, it's about him wanting to do what he wants for his birthday, and your trying to force him to do something he hates for his birthday.

You could have had your party with your friends then done a quiet meal with your brother another day and immediate family maybe if that's what he would have liked??? Then everyone could have been happy.

You don't have to do all your birthday celebrations in one day, you spread over a few days with different people.

I don't send my twin a card or present. I must have missed the memo that as a twin we had to act or behave in a certain way.

Some people really can't get their head round that twin relationships are no different from other sibling relationships. Some are close and some aren't and some are indifferent to each other. As with any other pair of siblings.

Your updates are sad, OP. Your brother has a difficult personality and he may never be as close as you wish. You do have to accept the limitations of this relationship, sad as it is. You have also alienated a lifelong friend, that is a friendship you may want to repair and also give the appropriate space to. You may have a picture of the ideal relationship in your head and genuinely want to do the best by your friends and family but people bristle at being managed, some more so than others.

Do you have any siblings? Would you like it if they basically refused to mark your birthday, ever? Ignore the twin aspect for now. Just think how it would feel if your brother refused to ever show up for you. Can't you see how hurtful that could be?

My brother is in his mid 20s, he has never celebrated my birthday or bought me a card/present ever... and I LITERALLY don't care, why do you think I would?

He was a baby, then a child, then a teen and eventually morphed into an adult at some point but at what point was I suppose to magically get mad that he didn't send me a birthday card? I mean he couldn't as a baby/child etc... and I guess I just never set a specific date to 'adult-fy' him and start getting mad at him over silly social constructs.

If my DH forgot my birthday I would be sad but my baby brother... nah.

Your updates are sad, OP. Your brother has a difficult personality and he may never be as close as you wish.

Was “difficult” a typo for “different”?