To have organised a 40th birthday party for me and my twin?

[loonyloo]

I've just had an argument with my lifelong friend about this.

I have a twin brother. We turned 40 a couple of weeks ago. I wanted a big party as it's a big milestone. I don't think that's unusual. I told my brother a few months ago that I wanted the party. He said that he didn't want a big fuss and wouldn't come.

I went ahead and organised one. His wife knew and said he'd come. The party came and he didn't show up. I'd assumed he would despite what he'd said. I was really embarrassed in front of all our extended family and friends and upset that he'd let me down. I really thought he'd come. He'd said he hadn't wanted a 21st either but I did, so my mum organised a big party for us. He was a bit grumpy about it, but he did come and enjoyed himself in the end.

I'd told my friend how upset I was about it but she didn't say very much. She can be like that though, she's a bit unfeeling. I saw her on Friday and we ended up having a disagreement about something else that escalated and the subject of the party came up. She said that I was in the wrong for throwing a party for me and my brother. She said if I wanted a party I should've thrown one for myself and not told everyone it was for both of us. She said it was an example of me "always, always having to have things your own fucking way" and that I was selfish.

I'm really upset. I don't think it's selfish of me to want to have a party and I don't see why I shouldn't have one just because my brother doesn't want one. I can't have one just for myself, everyone knows we're twins and it would look weird for me to have a birthday party without him. My friend was really rude today and needs to watch her temper. I'm a really kind person and I think it's not too much to ask for others to put themselves out for me sometimes, but I've been thinking about what my friend said and now I'm worried other people think I was selfish about the party.

I have a twin sister. She wanted a party for our 50th, I didn't want a fuss. So she had a party, and I didn't go. It would have felt very odd to be at party for my birthday, but with her friends. It's fine, have your own party, but your brother didn't want one - listen to what he's saying. He didn't let you down, he said from the start that he wouldn't come, and you ignored that.

I get that it's a bit more complicated when you are a twin, and I can understand that you might feel a bit odd celebrating without him, especially as family might be there. But he hadn't said that he minded you having a party, he just said he wouldn't attend.

I don't think you are selfish, because there's nothing wrong with wanting a party, and I'm sure that you just wanted to include him, but you didn't listen to what he wanted, so YABU to think he let you down.

Your brother didn’t want a party and told you he wouldn’t come so not sure why you are upset with him when he has used his words and been very clear that a party isn’t for him?

You could have just had a party for yourself. I agree with your friend. It seems like you are used to getting your own way and need to think of others more.

You can just throw a party for yourself. Invite your brother and when he's there, give him a gift and say happy birthday to him. Others would have said, happy birthday, too unless he wanted to make his own plans.

You should have respected your brother’s wishes and just done the party for yourself (which isn’t odd even if you’re twins!).

I really dislike parties. I have a family where the majority of them love parties. They have never thrown me a party against my will and I’d be fuming if they did so yes, YABVU.

you wanted a party and he didn’t (so much so that he stated he wouldn’t come) so you should have organised one for yourself which would have been less embarrassing. Yes, people know you are twins but you are 2 different people and he’s entitled to not show up when he didn’t want to and his wife shouldn’t have said they’d come. It was not a “nice” thing to do for him.

i have twins btw

So you thought you knew his mind better than him, expected to strongarm/guilt him into turning up, then whinged to your friend when he didn't??

Which bit of 'I don't want a fuss' did you deliberately ignore?

Especially given what you've said about your 21st birthdays I suspect there may be more than a little truth in what your friend said. And a bit of introspection on your part wouldn't go amiss.

I can understand why it feels odd to have a party just for you, but as long as you've asked your brother what he wants to do, of course you could. Much better than pushing someone who doesn't want a party to have one. My cousins are twins and they have celebrated big birthdays separately a few times - they have different friends, different colleagues, different neighbours, different in laws... Really the venn diagram of who they would both want to invite is pretty small, just family. So as long as you don't make it awkward for family by both inviting them different celebrations on the same day, of course you should be an individual and have your own celebration of you don't both want to do the same thing!

It's very unreasonable to be cross with someone for not coming to an event they clearly told you they didn't want. It does seem controlling rather than 'kind'

You don’t listen to your brother and your friend is saying this is just one example of you being selfish. I don’t think you’re as kind as you seem to think you are and tou need to listen to those closest to you as you’ll end up lonely.

Probably spent his whole life never doing what he wanted because you clearly think it’s all about you. He already didn’t want one for his 21st, you got the way. Then you tried to dictate both of your 40th’s! Have your own one if you are that desperate. I think your lifelong friend is correct, this has obviously always been you and you are a selfish person. I’m pleased she has finally called you out on it, she’s a good friend to you and more so for saying it as it is.

Reverse?

Firmly agree with your friend and think you think far too highly of yourself.

If this actually happened, your friend is right.

Your entire post is."Me, me, me, me, me...poor me...and back to me".

Ignoring your brother's wishes was a dick move and it backfired.

Are you sure it was your 40th and not your 14th?!

He told you he didn’t want a party and wouldn’t come. Why on earth did you think he would change his mind and show up?
If you wanted a party for yourself, you should have owned it and thrown just that!

Of course you can’t throw a party for someone else, who’s said they don’t want one, then get stroppy because they don’t attend 😂 you’re his twin, not his master.

You can have as many parties as you like, OP, but your twin didn't want one, so you seem to be ignoring what he's saying.
Not everyone likes a fuss on their birthday and it's rude to try to force it on them.

You are getting quite a hard time and I feel a bit bad about that but…. I wonder if you are kind in the way my mum is which is to decide what you think is lovely for the people around you without giving any thought to their actual wants/needs/likes/dislikes. It’s a weird trait and for me I end up feeling like the idea of a daughter she wanted not actually as a person she is actually interested in.

I just can’t understand why you think your brother let you down. Yes maybe it would be great for you if your twin loved parties as much as you do, but he doesn’t!

It sounds like you definitely owe your brother and appology. Possibly your friend too.

it would look weird for me to have a birthday party without him.

No it wouldn't. You are two separate people. I bet lots of your friends don't even know your brother.

I'm a really kind person
Really kind people don't usually have to go around telling everyone they're really kind

Your friend was way out of line the way she spoke to you but I agree with her and PP on the party situation. I feel for your brother, everyone was left thinking he was snubbing his own party and acting strange but he was doing exactly what he said he was going to do. If this has happened previously like you say I see why this time he said its enough I'm not going just to prove her right.

My twins have separate parties. Each is permitted to attend the others party if they wish but only as a guest where they are not allowed blow out candles or acknowledge it's their birthday too. This was an arrangement after much negotiation when they turned 11. This year aged 12 one chose not to attend. The whole thing with you and your brother seems very childish.

I wouldn't call that kind.

... I don't think it's selfish of me to want to have a party it's not
... and I don't see why I shouldn't have one just because my brother doesn't want one. You should
... I can't have one just for myself, everyone knows we're twins... Yes you can.

Someone tried to organise me a surprise 40th despite me specifically saying i didn't want one and it would be my idea of hell. Luckily another friend tipped me off so I could nip it in the bud at an early stage but it really pissed me off as I had made my feelings clear.

YABVVVVVU

I agree with your friend. On two occasions your brother said no and you went ahead anyway. You can have your own party. I can’t comment on her temper - that sounds like a different disagreement that led to this one?