To have organised a 40th birthday party for me and my twin?

[loonyloo]

I've just had an argument with my lifelong friend about this.

I have a twin brother. We turned 40 a couple of weeks ago. I wanted a big party as it's a big milestone. I don't think that's unusual. I told my brother a few months ago that I wanted the party. He said that he didn't want a big fuss and wouldn't come.

I went ahead and organised one. His wife knew and said he'd come. The party came and he didn't show up. I'd assumed he would despite what he'd said. I was really embarrassed in front of all our extended family and friends and upset that he'd let me down. I really thought he'd come. He'd said he hadn't wanted a 21st either but I did, so my mum organised a big party for us. He was a bit grumpy about it, but he did come and enjoyed himself in the end.

I'd told my friend how upset I was about it but she didn't say very much. She can be like that though, she's a bit unfeeling. I saw her on Friday and we ended up having a disagreement about something else that escalated and the subject of the party came up. She said that I was in the wrong for throwing a party for me and my brother. She said if I wanted a party I should've thrown one for myself and not told everyone it was for both of us. She said it was an example of me "always, always having to have things your own fucking way" and that I was selfish.

I'm really upset. I don't think it's selfish of me to want to have a party and I don't see why I shouldn't have one just because my brother doesn't want one. I can't have one just for myself, everyone knows we're twins and it would look weird for me to have a birthday party without him. My friend was really rude today and needs to watch her temper. I'm a really kind person and I think it's not too much to ask for others to put themselves out for me sometimes, but I've been thinking about what my friend said and now I'm worried other people think I was selfish about the party.

My mum is a twin - she had a party for her 40th, 50th and 60th just for her - her brother attended but did his celebration separately so it was understood to be her party - people obviously said Happy Birthday to him too but it was mostly her friends. She attended his parties too but he was the main focus as well. You don’t need to do everything together!

I can't have one just for myself, everyone knows we're twins and it would look weird for me to have a birthday party without him.

That is just bonkers.

OP, your brother was clear, and told you he did not want a party and would not come.

But you insisted, railroaded on.

And then blamed your brother.

And are now blaming your friend and saying ‘she needs to watch her temper’

You seem to think that everyone should behave exactly as you wish.

Puppets in your kingdom.

Genuinely - did you post because you wanted validation of your own view or because you wanted a true idea of how other people think? You’ve got the latter. I’m interested in whether you can see anything in the points others are making.

I think you were well-intentioned, it sounds like you really didn’t listen to or consider what your brother wanted. Perhaps you didn’t realise the depth of feeling he had at the time - it might be worth thinking about whether you now want to double down on your own perspective or reflect on what the majority of people here are suggesting. Maybe for your brother to ‘let you down’ like this, he felt very out of his comfort zone. Maybe he felt like he was in an impossible position. Maybe he felt like he had to stick to his guns this time but feels bad about the situation that’s put him in by being perceived to have let others down.

Omg thank you for finding that - even on that thread, posters were putting two and two together and coming up with if the friend said that and the op wasn't really supported by other friends or family, it was probably because the op makes everything about herself.

And today's post shows she hasn't changed and her follow up messages shows she lacks awareness and is extremely selfish.

I feel for your brother. You invited his friends and embarrassed him yet you are the one who feels hard done by. I'm surprised you have many friends. Like I said before you have a few apologies to make. But I doubt it you made them, if they would be truly meant as it's clear you can't see past yourself and how it's affected you. You seem very deluded.

It says a lot about you, though, doesn’t it, that you have at least 2 friends who’ve accused you of making situations all about you. And you seem quite oblivious to both that and what MNers have to say about those situations and your behaviour.

Maybe they have a point?

I thought it'd be like his 21st where he ended up enjoying it...
So you've already forced him into having a party he didn't want, and being young he probably felt he had to go.
19 years later you've done the same thing, only this time he's older and decided to stick by his own preference - well good for him!!

You owe your brother an apology.

In future when you ask him if he wants a joint birthday party with you and he says 'No', listen and hear him and respect his decision.

Some people really hate parties for themselves and others too.
One of my children would absolutely hate a party and even if it was in our house and I threw one for him he wouldnt come. My DH also hates parties. My other child and me love parties and we would have them every occassion if we could but we respect that the other two do not. I don't see why just because youbare twins you have to railroad your brother to do something he really hates.
I can see why you did it, as a party lover, for you, you imagined he would say he didnt want one, turn up and then be surprised at how lovely it all is to be celebrated and enjoy the party and you couldnt see it from his perspective at all. I think based on what your friend has said this might be something you do often, make plans and arrange things that you would love, probably becuase you can not see how anyone else would not want to do them. But really you just cant see things from other peoples perspective.

Selfish is exactly what it is when you decide someone ought to want what you want because you want it.
How would you like it if he had cancelled the party you set up because he didn't want one?
It's not a 'nice' birthday for him if it isn't what he wants.

If you invited his friends without his say-so, that was well out of order, so any embarrassment on that score for you is self-inflicted.

He's old enough to know his own mind. If he is unsociable, that's his choice, and it's only your definition. He might say he was just reserved and found being with a lot of people stressful. He does not 'need' to be encouraged to do things at his age just because you like to do them yourself. You say he has friends, well, that's fine, he's not living like a hermit. And even if he did, that's his choice. Some of us who aren't the party sort do make the best of it so as not to spoil other people's fun when we get stuck with it, that doesn't mean we actually enjoyed it, or that even if we did enjoy it somewhat, we'd not still rather have done something else.

Your friend is right. Of course you could have your own party. You’re the one being weird about that (really weird, you’re two separate people. And quite cruel to your brother).

duplicate deleted.

Look, op. You believe you're kind and think its unfair that you've been called selfish. Both things can actually be true.

I'm sure you are a very kind person, but you also seem to have an entrenched habit of making yourself the centre of every situation and lacking self-awareness. Unfortunately, those two things can make a person very absorbed.

Criticism isn't a personal attack. Being called out as self-centred doesn't mean that you're a bad person.

There are usually reasons why people are so fragile about justified criticism and it would be worth exploring these (Google it as a starting point). If you can work on this side of yourself, not only will your relationships with others improve but also your relationship with yourself.

But you shouldn't have done as he told you he didn't want a party. You have no respect for him and you set yourself up to be embarrassed. Doing things other people don't want you to do is NOT kind!

If you wanted to do something nice for your brother, to celebrate his/yoyr birthday together, you’d have asked what he wanted and arranged that. Something quiet with a small group of people, no doubt.

Something quite separate from your big bash.

This. ^ Just own it @loonyloo 97% of over 1500 people think YABU. And that is because...

YABU!

He said that he didn't want a big fuss and wouldn't come.
I went ahead and organised one. His wife knew and said he'd come.

YABU.

He said he wouldn’t come.

His wife doesn’t and shouldn’t speak for him.

You need to learn to centre other people not yourself. If you had listened to your brother and accepted that he knew what he wanted (no party) you could have organised a party for yourself. You wouldn't have invited his friends, you wouldn't have told guests it was a party for both of you and nobody would have been embarrassed or felt awkward when he wasn't there. Your lifelong friend tells you what you have done wrong and you still don't reflect.

He reached 40 and finally realised he doesn’t have to do shit he doesn’t want to do! The best birthday present he could have given himself! It’s ok to be disappointed but hopefully you will approach your 50th with this knowledge

You were massively unreasonable (and yes, very selfish) to throw him a party when he clearly told you he wasn’t interested, then make it all about you.

Poor bloke.

This is a wind up thread isn't it?

You clearly don't listen, he said he didn't want one and didn't turn up and u act all wounded and shocked. Durr.

Next time just do it for yourself, you might be twins but you aren't joined at the hip!

Do You not see the irony in you wanting other people to see it from your point of view, when you are completely refusing to see your brothers?
so what if he’s unsociable? That’s his prerogative!
I have 2 daughters, one would absolutely love a party thrown for her (and has), for the other it would absolutely be her idea of hell. Breaking news, people have different personalities.
You HAVE to respect peoples wishes, it is not up to you to decide wether you think they will enjoy it and still go ahead regardless of them saying no.
However it seems like we are all wasting our time trying to get you to understand this.

I don't think people are getting this. I did something that I genuinely thought was the right thing, and I genuinely thought my brother would come and enjoy the evening. I see now that I was wrong. But I don't think I was being selfish because my intentions were good. And my friend was rude.

The older thread was very different - it was a serious situation where emotion got the better of me. I was grieving, and reacted too strongly to something that felt similar but wasn't. Posters on that thread were mostly very kind and helped me see that I'd reacted badly. It was very different to bring told I'm a terrible person for organising a birthday party

Did his wife not warn you on the day - or even AT the party - that he wasnt turning up?

I do think it's worth asking yourself @loonyloo why the idea you've got this so wrong is so hard for you to deal with. You see yourself as a kind and loving person, which is probably true but the fact that you centre yourself so much and struggle to cope with the idea that you get it wrong even with good intentions, suggests that you have a fragile sense of self.

We all get it wrong at time, big and small. We can all be selfish at times. It doesn't make you a bad person, but there's clearly an unhealthy pattern here that friends have told you about more than once.

You'd be doing yourself a big service to explore this with a therapist.

Right listen up you lot. Unless you’re a twin you’ll never get why @loonyloo did what she did.

OP, I’m a twin. I have a twin like your twin who doesn’t really care about being a twin.

Your birthday is never YOUR birthday (singular). It’s YOUR birthday (plural). Whether people know your twin, don’t know him, whatever, your birthday has always been shared. Of course you can do your own thing and of course he can do his own thing but it’s a shared day forever!

Deep down, organising a party for you that’s not for him (especially when you wanted your FAMILY there, who are also his family…) feels like you’re cutting him out and cutting the cord. Which you didn’t intend to do, you just wanted party and you didn’t want to leave him out because he is your twin… I totally see this. You’d feel like a prize dick, it would feel WAY more selfish than the situation you’ve ended up in. And depending if your family are anything like mine, most of them will spend half the night questioning why you’ve organised it and left him out because you’ve always been THE TWINS to them, even thought everyone will tell you your both your own person blah blah blah.

But this is the bit no one else gets because THEY ARE NOT TWINS.

So, from the pov of good intentions YADNBU. AND… from the same twin perspective I think he was being a bit unreasonable tbh. It’s literally not that big a deal for him to come for a bit and see a few old faces.

However, from the pov of execution you probably were BU because communication fell apart. Did you tell DB his friends were coming too? Did you tell them that he said no and could they have a word?

Since you asked everyone on here if YABU, you have to accept they all see something unreasonable in what you did. But like I say, how much the opinions of non-twins bothers you is up to you. On balance I would have done the same as you and either asked some family to have a word and make sure he comes, or make sure they know he isn’t.

What did your family say?