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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have organised a 40th birthday party for me and my twin?

742 replies

loonyloo · 25/08/2025 20:31

I've just had an argument with my lifelong friend about this.

I have a twin brother. We turned 40 a couple of weeks ago. I wanted a big party as it's a big milestone. I don't think that's unusual. I told my brother a few months ago that I wanted the party. He said that he didn't want a big fuss and wouldn't come.

I went ahead and organised one. His wife knew and said he'd come. The party came and he didn't show up. I'd assumed he would despite what he'd said. I was really embarrassed in front of all our extended family and friends and upset that he'd let me down. I really thought he'd come. He'd said he hadn't wanted a 21st either but I did, so my mum organised a big party for us. He was a bit grumpy about it, but he did come and enjoyed himself in the end.

I'd told my friend how upset I was about it but she didn't say very much. She can be like that though, she's a bit unfeeling. I saw her on Friday and we ended up having a disagreement about something else that escalated and the subject of the party came up. She said that I was in the wrong for throwing a party for me and my brother. She said if I wanted a party I should've thrown one for myself and not told everyone it was for both of us. She said it was an example of me "always, always having to have things your own fucking way" and that I was selfish.

I'm really upset. I don't think it's selfish of me to want to have a party and I don't see why I shouldn't have one just because my brother doesn't want one. I can't have one just for myself, everyone knows we're twins and it would look weird for me to have a birthday party without him. My friend was really rude today and needs to watch her temper. I'm a really kind person and I think it's not too much to ask for others to put themselves out for me sometimes, but I've been thinking about what my friend said and now I'm worried other people think I was selfish about the party.

OP posts:
Neodymium · 25/08/2025 21:47

Zov · 25/08/2025 21:42

??? That last sentence confused me. Both your twin brothers had 2 parties for their 40th? 2 together? Or 1 each (individually?)

Why is a party as an adult 'odd?'

Show quote history

My husband and his twin had 2 parties as in 1 each for their 40th. Not a big joint party. I think twins having a big party together as adults is odd. The op said she couldn’t have a party just for her because she is a twin so it had to be joint? I was just saying I think as adults twins having joint parties is weird. They are not kids.

Zov · 25/08/2025 21:47

Hobnobswantshernameback · 25/08/2025 21:44

Yet another goady one post and run OP

👀

To have organised a 40th birthday party for me and my twin?
Silverbirchleaf · 25/08/2025 21:49

I don’t think you were being selfish, and you meant well. It was a milestone birthday, and so you wanted to share it with your brother. I think it’s slightly rude of them not to let you know they weren’t coming, especially after they (wife) accepted the invitation.

Zov · 25/08/2025 21:49

Neodymium · 25/08/2025 21:47

My husband and his twin had 2 parties as in 1 each for their 40th. Not a big joint party. I think twins having a big party together as adults is odd. The op said she couldn’t have a party just for her because she is a twin so it had to be joint? I was just saying I think as adults twins having joint parties is weird. They are not kids.

Show quote history
shining stanley kubrick GIF

Hmmm, yeah, it is a tiny bit weird having a twin party when you're 40. I am all for adults celebrating birthdays, but yeah a twin party is a bit odd, They may as well dress the same. 😆

Someone2025 · 25/08/2025 21:49

loonyloo · 25/08/2025 20:31

I've just had an argument with my lifelong friend about this.

I have a twin brother. We turned 40 a couple of weeks ago. I wanted a big party as it's a big milestone. I don't think that's unusual. I told my brother a few months ago that I wanted the party. He said that he didn't want a big fuss and wouldn't come.

I went ahead and organised one. His wife knew and said he'd come. The party came and he didn't show up. I'd assumed he would despite what he'd said. I was really embarrassed in front of all our extended family and friends and upset that he'd let me down. I really thought he'd come. He'd said he hadn't wanted a 21st either but I did, so my mum organised a big party for us. He was a bit grumpy about it, but he did come and enjoyed himself in the end.

I'd told my friend how upset I was about it but she didn't say very much. She can be like that though, she's a bit unfeeling. I saw her on Friday and we ended up having a disagreement about something else that escalated and the subject of the party came up. She said that I was in the wrong for throwing a party for me and my brother. She said if I wanted a party I should've thrown one for myself and not told everyone it was for both of us. She said it was an example of me "always, always having to have things your own fucking way" and that I was selfish.

I'm really upset. I don't think it's selfish of me to want to have a party and I don't see why I shouldn't have one just because my brother doesn't want one. I can't have one just for myself, everyone knows we're twins and it would look weird for me to have a birthday party without him. My friend was really rude today and needs to watch her temper. I'm a really kind person and I think it's not too much to ask for others to put themselves out for me sometimes, but I've been thinking about what my friend said and now I'm worried other people think I was selfish about the party.

but I've been thinking about what my friend said and now I'm worried other people think I was selfish about the party.

I don’t think people will think this, you are overthinking this a bit, most people probably didn’t spend too much time thinking about it at all and just enjoyed themselves ……forget about it, you had good intentions

k1233 · 25/08/2025 21:49

So you forced him to have a 21st that he didn't want and tried to force him to have a 40th. I'm like your brother. Hate big parties. Much prefer catching up with small groups over a few weeks so I can genuinely connect and catch up with my friends, not have a quick discussion and then move on to the next person.

You are forcing what you want on him. Let him be his own person and do his own thing.

Eleph42 · 25/08/2025 21:52

YABU. He said he didn’t want the fuss and he probably would have ended up coming if you just did the party for yourself. You may be twins but still separate individuals who clearly have different ideas on things and that’s ok

arcticpandas · 25/08/2025 21:52

I don't think the OP will be back. 97% thought she was unreasonable. Why can't people just respect other people's wishes? I would HATE a big party for my 40th. Not everyone is into celebrating their birthdays. Next time try to listen to what people are telling you: no means no! According to your best friend you got for form for being selfish so please take that in or you won't have any friends left.

Bestfootforward11 · 25/08/2025 21:52

I don’t think you were selfish to want a party. It meant a lot to you and you wanted to celebrate with family and friends. And of course you wanted to celebrate with your twin brother too. But he said he didn’t want a party and is equally entitled to do that if that is what he wants. I think you thought he’d come round but didnt really hear what he was telling you which was that he didn’t want a party. You might have felt oh he’s just saying that, but he meant it and that’s ok. Don’t feel embarrassed, you were with family and friends. There’s no real falling out is there apart from the fact he didn’t come to the party that he said he didn’t want. That’s not a reflection on you, it’s quite simply a choice he made about how he wanted to celebrate his birthday.
Re your friend, it sounds like there’s some things to think about there. I don’t think she was wrong in what she said about the party, but the way she delivered it was a bit unnecessary. I don’t know the rest of the context, you mentioned she is often unfeeling and you were arguing about something else that day. Not sure what’s going on there on both sides but maybe something needs sorting.

Arlanymor · 25/08/2025 21:55

Ddakji · 25/08/2025 21:51

Is this the same friend, OP? You were told you were unreasonable then and that was 3 years ago.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4569390-to-be-devastated-by-my-friends-attitude

Ohhhh. 😬

BigDeepBreaths · 25/08/2025 21:55

If I was invited to the birthday party of twins and only one twin was there, upon asking where the other twin was and being told “he didnt want a party”, I WOULD NOT BAT AN EYELID AND WOULD MOVE ON WITH MY DAY.

You invented a problem that didnt exist and fuelled drama. I think your friend is on to you (your twin has probably been on to you since the womb).

CockSpadget · 25/08/2025 21:57

Let this be a lesson to you around consent, and respecting people’s boundaries. Whether it’s a close family member or not, if someone says no, accept it, to do the opposite is beyond selfish and basically saying you don’t give a damn about their feelings as long as you get what you want.

Overnightoatsareyummy · 25/08/2025 21:59

Should have learnt a lesson from your 21st.
Your friend is right, this is selfish.

mondaytosunday · 25/08/2025 22:01

You’re twins, not a singular entity. He said no to the party so you should have just done one for yourself, there’s no reason why you had to include him! He made his feelings clear - he’s not to blame.

Hedgehogbrown · 25/08/2025 22:02

loonyloo · 25/08/2025 20:31

I've just had an argument with my lifelong friend about this.

I have a twin brother. We turned 40 a couple of weeks ago. I wanted a big party as it's a big milestone. I don't think that's unusual. I told my brother a few months ago that I wanted the party. He said that he didn't want a big fuss and wouldn't come.

I went ahead and organised one. His wife knew and said he'd come. The party came and he didn't show up. I'd assumed he would despite what he'd said. I was really embarrassed in front of all our extended family and friends and upset that he'd let me down. I really thought he'd come. He'd said he hadn't wanted a 21st either but I did, so my mum organised a big party for us. He was a bit grumpy about it, but he did come and enjoyed himself in the end.

I'd told my friend how upset I was about it but she didn't say very much. She can be like that though, she's a bit unfeeling. I saw her on Friday and we ended up having a disagreement about something else that escalated and the subject of the party came up. She said that I was in the wrong for throwing a party for me and my brother. She said if I wanted a party I should've thrown one for myself and not told everyone it was for both of us. She said it was an example of me "always, always having to have things your own fucking way" and that I was selfish.

I'm really upset. I don't think it's selfish of me to want to have a party and I don't see why I shouldn't have one just because my brother doesn't want one. I can't have one just for myself, everyone knows we're twins and it would look weird for me to have a birthday party without him. My friend was really rude today and needs to watch her temper. I'm a really kind person and I think it's not too much to ask for others to put themselves out for me sometimes, but I've been thinking about what my friend said and now I'm worried other people think I was selfish about the party.

I agree with your friend and your Brother. He told you he wasn't coming but you went ahead and told everyone it was a party for him as well. What about his need to do what he wants on his own birthday? You should listen to your friend and consider if you think your actions can be selfish, and not in a 'everyone thinks I'm selfish' way. Do you consider other people's feelings at all? You didn't consider your twins on your birthday.

I'm a twin by the way.

MuchTooTired · 25/08/2025 22:03

As a mum of b/g twins you absolutely can have a birthday party for just yourself! I’ve told my two (they’re only 7) that they can have individual parties or joint, nothing weird about it, they’re two individual people!

ReadingSoManyThreads · 25/08/2025 22:04

You and your twin brother are not conjoined, so of course you could have had a party just for yourself.

Your friend is right.

And you're not as kind as you think you are as you put your own wants ahead of others and disregard their feelings. Your brother made his feelings clear and you ignored it. I feel for him. You are being very unreasonable.

Rewis · 25/08/2025 22:07

I recently went to one twins 40th birthday. The other twin was there as a regular guest.

SeaShellsSanctuary1 · 25/08/2025 22:07

If there's one thing thing to take away from this.

Your brother did not let you down. He told you he didn't want the party and wouldn't come

HMW19061 · 25/08/2025 22:10

He told you he didn’t want a party and you didn’t listen so you can’t be upset that he didn’t turn up, he basically told you he wouldn’t be. There’s absolutely no reason you couldn’t have a party on your own even though you have a twin. If anyone asked why it wasn’t his party too then you just tell them the truth…he didn’t want a party

ThisChirpyFox · 25/08/2025 22:10

The fact that you have to include in your op that 'Im a really kind person' speaks volumes.

You already forced him to have a big milestone birthday for your 21st and he told you her didn't want one for your 40th. The fact that you still held one for both of you, expected him to come and then have the cheek to be annoyed at him shows how selfish you are.

I hate a fuss being made of me and skirt the issue of telling people when my birthday is. When I was younger, my mum would always throw big birthday bashes, which family members loved as we had three people in the same family, whose birthdays fell on the same date. So she would host but lots of people would attend to celebrate all three. I hated that so many people attended and I dreaded the day every year. I eventually told her I didn't want any more and that if she did throw one I wouldn't speak to her. I was and still am stubborn so she knew I meant it and listened.

The whole point of this is I can certainly see your brother's side and think that your friend, who must know you very well, has described you perfectly. You need to own this and apologise to both.

Bournetilly · 25/08/2025 22:11

This can’t be real. If you want a party have one but don’t force your brother to have one.

Beerpink · 25/08/2025 22:12

Simply put: your friend was right.

SouthLondonMum22 · 25/08/2025 22:14

You and your brother are your own people with your own friends. He didn't want a party and you should've respected that.

I really hope that my twins aren't still having joint birthday parties at 40.