To have organised a 40th birthday party for me and my twin?

[loonyloo]

I've just had an argument with my lifelong friend about this.

I have a twin brother. We turned 40 a couple of weeks ago. I wanted a big party as it's a big milestone. I don't think that's unusual. I told my brother a few months ago that I wanted the party. He said that he didn't want a big fuss and wouldn't come.

I went ahead and organised one. His wife knew and said he'd come. The party came and he didn't show up. I'd assumed he would despite what he'd said. I was really embarrassed in front of all our extended family and friends and upset that he'd let me down. I really thought he'd come. He'd said he hadn't wanted a 21st either but I did, so my mum organised a big party for us. He was a bit grumpy about it, but he did come and enjoyed himself in the end.

I'd told my friend how upset I was about it but she didn't say very much. She can be like that though, she's a bit unfeeling. I saw her on Friday and we ended up having a disagreement about something else that escalated and the subject of the party came up. She said that I was in the wrong for throwing a party for me and my brother. She said if I wanted a party I should've thrown one for myself and not told everyone it was for both of us. She said it was an example of me "always, always having to have things your own fucking way" and that I was selfish.

I'm really upset. I don't think it's selfish of me to want to have a party and I don't see why I shouldn't have one just because my brother doesn't want one. I can't have one just for myself, everyone knows we're twins and it would look weird for me to have a birthday party without him. My friend was really rude today and needs to watch her temper. I'm a really kind person and I think it's not too much to ask for others to put themselves out for me sometimes, but I've been thinking about what my friend said and now I'm worried other people think I was selfish about the party.

Your friend wasnt rude, she was right

You completely ignored what your brother wanted and threw a joint party so you only have yourself to blame if you were embarrassed. You so could have had a party for just you

I think you're all being a bit harsh on me. I didn't expect everyone to agree but hardly anyone is seeing this from my point of view. I wanted my brother to have a nice birthday. He can be a bit unsociable at times so needs to be encouraged to come to events and stuff but he always enjoys himself once he's there. I thought it'd be like his 21st where he ended up enjoying it.

Even if I did the wrong thing I don't think I was selfish and I think my friend was really horrible about it.

This!

All of this.

I'm with the 97% who think YABU.

Definitely about the party.
Quite likely also about your friend. Certainly she was right about the party, so we've no reason to assume she is wrong about anything else.

Your last question seems to have been answered on this thread - Yes, YABVVVU about the party.

Actually I invited quite a lot of his friends too. That's why I was so embarrassed, they were there for him, not me and he didn't bother to show up. I went to a lot of effort for the party

He told you he did not want a party and that he would not come…

but…. You knew better, he would come, he would enjoy it in the end, he needed to come because you are twins and because you had told all and sundry that he was coming …

egg on your face

that’s why you are pissed off

yoir friend is right.

What was the other disagreement with your friend about?

Maybe it's the two things in combination which made her say you were selfish.

I agree with her about the party. Your brother told you he did not want a fuss and wouldn't come but you went ahead and organized the party for both of you. You ran roughshod over him. Fine to organize your own 40th and have a party if that's how you enjoy celebrating but he doesn't and you should have respected that.

You don't know that he "always enjoys himself when he's there". Maybe he puts on a brave face. I think it's awful to force people into things they don't want to do.

You’re 40 not 21 anymore and you still can’t respect he didn’t want a party then and he didn’t want one now.

YOU wanted a party. Not him. That’s fine throw a party for you. But expecting him to arrive to a joint party he didn’t want and then being mad or upset is wrong. It’s your own fault you didn’t listen to or respect your brother.

Your posts are still all me me me me me me. So yes selfish.

The point is that you don't get to decide what's best for your brother.
Neither does his wife

It's up to him. He said no and no, means no.

You ignored his wishes, the party was about what you wanted, not him. You also said that it was weird for you to be a twin and not celebrate with him. Well, no it's not.

I get that you're upset by what your friend said to you and how she said it, anyone would be and I'm sorry for it. But what's coming across is that you don't listen to other people or take on board what they tell you.

Aw give it a rest, you were selfish, self centered and your friend quite rightly pulled you up and the majority of posts here have agreed with her and you still can't admit you were in the wrong.

Wow.

I will spell it out.

You were selfish - your brother told you it was NOT his idea of a nice birthday and you completely ignored and disregarded his wishes, rude AND selfish.

Lots of people do not see this from your POV because your POV is selfish.

I don't know how to be more clear. Making plans for someone else is selfish.

Throwing a fit and saying they let you down when they did not is selfish.

You wanted your own way and you didn't give a jot about what he wanted. You decided you knew better. That was wrong AND selfish.

C'mon you must be able to see this for yourself? Leave the poor bugger alone, or better yet ask him how he wants to celebrate his birthday. He might have really appreciated a pint in the pub with his twin... but you didn't ask, did you?

OP - AIBU
MN - Yes - unanimously
OP - oh no I'm not....

It was selfish as he didn't want a party.

He likely wanted to have a nice birthday as well, and very clearly a big party isn't his idea of a nice birthday.

Your brother tells you he doesn’t want a party so you invited a load of his friends anyway?! This just gets worse! Credit to your brother for standing up for himself against you and his wife. I hope he had a lovely birthday celebrating it his way rather than something he was being coerced into.

You really aren't getting it! Who are you to decide that your brother, a grown man of 40, needs to be more sociable? Yes he might enjoy himself once he's forced to, but he made it clear that he didn't want a party and wouldn't attend and you are still making it about you! Forcing someone to bend to your will against their wishes IS selfish because you are putting your own interests before theirs.

As for your friend, she's clearly had a gutful of you behaving like this. I would listen to her and reflect.

He told you he wasn't going to show up.
You went ahead anyway.
You invited his friends to the party.
Maybe he just wanted a meal out with a handful of friends or a few people round to his house for beers or whatever, but no, you knew better and by inviting his friends to the party you took away his opportunity to celebrate his 40th the way he wanted

You really don't seem to know or respect your brother very much.

How would you feel if he arranged something and invited all your friends to, but it was something you really didn't like?

OH.MY.GOD.

He didn't bother to show up = HE TOLD YOU HE WASN'T COMING.

I invited quite a lot of his friends too = HE TOLD YOU HE WASN'T COMING.

I went to a lot of effort for the party = THAT HE SAID HE WOULDN'T COME TO.

I am honestly a bit flabbergasted at your lack of insight into your own behaviour. I kind of get now why your friend had to be so brutal. You are completely obtuse.

You were selfish. If you wanted him to have a nice birthday then you’d of respected the fact he said he didn’t want a party. You wanted a party but didn’t want to throw one for just you, he said he didn’t want it and wouldn’t come you selfishly ignored that because you thought your wants trump his. Your friend wasn’t wrong and you did do the wrong thing. You should of thrown a party just for you

But he told you he didn't want one and that he wouldn't come but you went ahead and did it anyway.
This is on you going against his wishes.
You should have just organised a party for yourself.

That embarrassment is on you, not him.
I'm sorry op but this really should be a wake up call for you.

It's not a reverse. And I don't know why you'd say it's AI but lots of people seem to throw that around these days. I just tried to be as to-the-point as possible because sometimes I can be long-winded

The party he didn’t want!! You should be embarrassed about your behaviour

Nobody is seeing it from your POV because your POV is wrong and childish

Your brother is 40. He can make his own mind up regarding socialising. You don't need to "encourage him" to do anything he doesn't want

Your friend wasn't horrible and you are selfish

So it was my DH 40th a few weeks ago. He told me he didn’t want a party and not to arrange one. What did I do?….. didn’t arrange a party even through I could have. It was that simple! Hope you had fun though and were the centre of attention without your twin!