To have organised a 40th birthday party for me and my twin?

[loonyloo]

I've just had an argument with my lifelong friend about this.

I have a twin brother. We turned 40 a couple of weeks ago. I wanted a big party as it's a big milestone. I don't think that's unusual. I told my brother a few months ago that I wanted the party. He said that he didn't want a big fuss and wouldn't come.

I went ahead and organised one. His wife knew and said he'd come. The party came and he didn't show up. I'd assumed he would despite what he'd said. I was really embarrassed in front of all our extended family and friends and upset that he'd let me down. I really thought he'd come. He'd said he hadn't wanted a 21st either but I did, so my mum organised a big party for us. He was a bit grumpy about it, but he did come and enjoyed himself in the end.

I'd told my friend how upset I was about it but she didn't say very much. She can be like that though, she's a bit unfeeling. I saw her on Friday and we ended up having a disagreement about something else that escalated and the subject of the party came up. She said that I was in the wrong for throwing a party for me and my brother. She said if I wanted a party I should've thrown one for myself and not told everyone it was for both of us. She said it was an example of me "always, always having to have things your own fucking way" and that I was selfish.

I'm really upset. I don't think it's selfish of me to want to have a party and I don't see why I shouldn't have one just because my brother doesn't want one. I can't have one just for myself, everyone knows we're twins and it would look weird for me to have a birthday party without him. My friend was really rude today and needs to watch her temper. I'm a really kind person and I think it's not too much to ask for others to put themselves out for me sometimes, but I've been thinking about what my friend said and now I'm worried other people think I was selfish about the party.

I'm really upset. I don't think it's selfish of me to want to have a party and I don't see why I shouldn't have one just because my brother doesn't want one. I can't have one just for myself, everyone knows we're twins and it would look weird for me to have a birthday party without him.

It's incredibly rude and selfish to expect him to have a party just because you want one.

It's amusing that you dont see why you shouldn't have one just because he doesn't want one, but can't see why should he have one just because you do.

You should have had your own party just for you.

I'd be furious with one of my twins if they'd done that to their sibling - they're expected to have manners and respect each other in our family, and that would include a solo party if one didn't want one.

I think the fact you said YOU were embarrassed that he didn’t attend shows that your friend has a point.
Your DB never once said he would attend, he clearly said he wouldn’t so the only way you would be embarrassed is if you went ahead against his wishes doing what you want.
And that’s exactly what you did

This must be a reverse. Nobody can be this obtuse.

Lol, for once I actually hope this is a reverse.

This.

I am a twin and if she didn’t want a party and I did, I would invite who I wanted and go and enjoy myself

. I can't have one just for myself, everyone knows we're twins and it would look weird for me to have a birthday party without him

Of course you can. I know two sets of twins who hold separate birthday parties.

You're 40 - of course you can have a birthday party by yourself and it doesn't look weird at all. Sounds like the second time your brother has been ambushed in this way on a milestone birthday - why do you keep doing this to him? Way to spoil his birthday. He was well within his rights not to attend and he gave you the courtesy of telling you in advance - whether you choose to believe him or not is on you. I don't know why his wife thought she could speak for him either. Some people are not party people and it's unfair to foist your preferences on to them. By the way I hope you didn't tell him that 'he let you down' - because he didn't. You embarrassed yourself and you let yourself down - sorry but it's true.

If he doesn't enjoy parties then it's unfair to expect him to spend his 40th doing something he doesn't enjoy. I'm very introverted and get massive anxiety if I have a party to attend, it kicks in as soon as I get the invitation- which can be months in advance.

"It's my party, and I won't come if I don't want to... you wouldn't come too, if it happened to you"

@loonyloo

Of course YABU. He stated very clearly that he didn't want it and wouldn't come. Why did you go and do it anyway? And then moan and complain that he has 'let you down,' and you are 'sooooo embarrassed.'

Why disrespect his wishes so much? Why do YOUR wants and needs trump his?

I know bloody damn well that I would die inside, if I had a birthday, and someone got me a mostly naked male strippergram, and I grimace and almost puke at the idea of going to a Chippendales type of strip show... Everyone who knows me knows I would HATE this. So if someone arranged it, I would walk out, or simply not turn up. I would NOT attend/take part because someone else wanted me to.

I have seen photos of a neighbour (taken a few weeks ago) writhing with a naked stripper at her 50th birthday party, and one pic of her 2-3" away from his erect penis. On the internet now they are, never to be deleted. I can't look her in the eye now. How embarrassed her teenage children must be!

Went off on a tangent there. Sorry 😬

Sorry but I agree with everyone else. You should have had a party just for yourself. Your brother was right not to come when he had already made his feelings clear.
Hopefully you can apologise to him now and move on x

I have always thought it odd people throwing parties for people to celebrate them, but you were well within your right to do that! Your brother made it clear he wanted no part of it and that he wouldn't come. That was well within his right.

I dot have twins but i have a daughter and son two years apart that are like chalk and cheese. She would be like you and want the party. My son would want no fuss, doesn’t like big social events and doesn’t even like music. It’s about respect. He respected you be not saying you could t have a party you disrespected him by doing a party for him.

"I'm really upset. I don't think it's selfish of me to want to have a party and I don't see why I shouldn't have one just because my brother doesn't want one. I can't have one just for myself, everyone knows we're twins and it would look weird for me to have a birthday party without him."

Please tell me that this is a wind up. If not, how have your blatant double standards not slapped you in the face?!

Either:
WANTING a party means you should have one (you), so NOT WANTING a party (your brother) means he doesn't have to have one.
Or:
NOT WANTING a party (your brother) means you still have to have one for your sister, so WANTING a party (you) means you don't get one because your brother doesn't want one.

Anything else just says your wishes matter and your brother's don't!!

Your friend is right. Your brothers clearly had enough of you making twin plans and him being expected to jump as well.

Guess what twins are more than just twins. They are Indian people. Hopefully he had a lovely birthday with people he wanted to who respect him.

You are 40 years old! You KNOW your brother didn’t want a party because he literally told you to your face he didn’t want one and wouldn’t go. How can you be shocked when he did exactly what he said he was going to do? And yes, you absolutely can have your own party. Theee was nothing to stop you doing just that.

@loonyloo I think your brother didn’t come to this party as he was practically forced to attend his 21st even though he said he didn’t want one, so maybe he was proving a point this time around.

I don’t think you are selfish, you just wanted to celebrate, but next time listen to what your brother wants too, no party means no party xx

She may have a point OP - you sound somewhat self-absorbed. You expected your DB to just fall in with how you wanted to celebrate your birthday, despite it not being how he wanted to celebrate his own 40th, and then wang on petulantly about how he ‘embarrassed’ you by not turning up to a party he clearly told you he wasn’t coming to. It’s all a bit main character.

Then ‘I’m so kind’ and ‘she needs to watch her temper’ when an old friend, clearly frustrated by your attitude, has given you a little dose of truth. It feels like you’ve started a thread just reinforce your view of yourself as ‘good’ and ‘reasonable’ so you don’t have to deal with the uncomfortable fact that your friend may be right.

At 40 a bit of self-reflection might be in order. Hope you enjoyed your party, OP. Maybe at 50 just throw one for yourself.

Are you for real? He says he didn’t want a fuss and wouldn’t come. You had a ‘joint’ party regardless and now you’re upset he didn’t come?

Frankly, you sound odd.

He said he didn't want one so you should have just had your own party. Yabu

So... you asked if he wanted a party, he clearly said no, and then you planned one for him anyway and were upset when he didn't come? You owe him an apology because you he told you clearly enough and then you made him look bad for not coming.

If YOU want a party, YOU have a party. Big parties aren't for everyone. I hate them, and there's nothing I'd want to do less for my special day.

Apologise to your brother.

Also: "I'm a really kind person and I think it's not too much to ask for others to put themselves out for me sometimes"

1. It's not kind to disrespect someone's wishes so throughly.
2. You want your brother to put himself out for you on HIS birthday?

Honestly, you need a reality check, you really do. Your friend has given you one.

Yeah, I'd hate it if someone tried to force me to have a big birthday party when I'd told them I didn't want one. You are being silly to say that you couldn't have a party just for yourself. Of course you could have. Just tell friends and family that you offered to include your brother, but he didn't want the attention. If they know him at all, surely they'll be familiar with his quirks and personality.

Whatever faults your friend may have, she has a point on this one.

Honestly I don't know if this is typical behaviour for you or a one off but it was pretty selfish of you. You wanted a party, he didn't. You could have thrown yourself one but no you wanted to force him to have one with you even though he explicitly told you he didn't want one and he wouldn't come. So you just ignored his wishes and told everyone that it was for both of you and presumably people turned up with gifts etc for both of you and you were left with egg on your face in front of your friends. There is only one person to blame in all this and it's not your brother or friend either for that matter.