To have organised a 40th birthday party for me and my twin?

[loonyloo]

I've just had an argument with my lifelong friend about this.

I have a twin brother. We turned 40 a couple of weeks ago. I wanted a big party as it's a big milestone. I don't think that's unusual. I told my brother a few months ago that I wanted the party. He said that he didn't want a big fuss and wouldn't come.

I went ahead and organised one. His wife knew and said he'd come. The party came and he didn't show up. I'd assumed he would despite what he'd said. I was really embarrassed in front of all our extended family and friends and upset that he'd let me down. I really thought he'd come. He'd said he hadn't wanted a 21st either but I did, so my mum organised a big party for us. He was a bit grumpy about it, but he did come and enjoyed himself in the end.

I'd told my friend how upset I was about it but she didn't say very much. She can be like that though, she's a bit unfeeling. I saw her on Friday and we ended up having a disagreement about something else that escalated and the subject of the party came up. She said that I was in the wrong for throwing a party for me and my brother. She said if I wanted a party I should've thrown one for myself and not told everyone it was for both of us. She said it was an example of me "always, always having to have things your own fucking way" and that I was selfish.

I'm really upset. I don't think it's selfish of me to want to have a party and I don't see why I shouldn't have one just because my brother doesn't want one. I can't have one just for myself, everyone knows we're twins and it would look weird for me to have a birthday party without him. My friend was really rude today and needs to watch her temper. I'm a really kind person and I think it's not too much to ask for others to put themselves out for me sometimes, but I've been thinking about what my friend said and now I'm worried other people think I was selfish about the party.

Someone ate too many Skittles this evening 👀

@loonyloo credit to you for persevering with this thread

Some important context in your latest replies which I think does change things and also I hadn't considered this:

the other option is that I have "my own" party and he doesn't come at all. But how many of you, hand on heart, wouldn't feel hurt and left down if your own brother couldn't be bothered to come to a milestone birthday party? Or something other event that was important to you? Twin or not? Even for an hour

Probably because I'm so used to my own sibling's disinterest tbh!

I have been concerned at how much of a pile on this thread has become and unnecessarily so. Probably a good time for you to step away from it now, I've said it a few times that you're not a bad person. I still think it was a mistake it attempt to include him when he'd said he didn't want to be, but if the crux of it is then you'd like him to show up for you as your sibling (not your twin) then you could try speaking to him as you've explained in your latest posts .

Put this thread behind you now and move on.

She just asked the candidate for Brother of the Year award a second time.

But this thread is going round in circles now.. the various viewpoints have all been aired several times so I'm not interested in continuing the debate

Do you know what? I genuinely feel sorry for that teenage girl. It must have been hard feeling like her twin always came first. But she’s not a teenager anymore. She hasn’t been for over two decades. And that’s more than long enough for her to build an adult life; one where her twin’s absence on her birthday isn’t a major drama. A 40 year-old woman needs to be able to cope with this.

You have two options here. Option A is to spend the next 40 - 50 years until one of you dies sniping about the fact that your brother won’t celebrate your birthday with you. Option B is to accept that, although this is disappointing, it’s the way it is, and to therefore enjoy your birthday with friends, other family members, a partner etc. instead.

Option B sounds way more fun than option A. But you don’t even want option A - which, while depressing in my view, is at least viable. You want an imaginary option C, where your brother suddenly sees the light, realises he should have been celebrating with you for years, begs for your forgiveness and tells you it will all be different from now on. And because that hasn’t happened, you’re trying to force him by telling him the party’s happening and that’s that. And now you’re angry with him because he called your bluff and didn’t come, rather than being angry with yourself for trying and failing to manipulate him.

There IS no option C. You have to work with A and B - that’s all that’s on the table. So ask yourself this: what would you like to happen next based on the reality of your situation? Not based on what you want to happen, but on what actually could happen?

It would appear, from what your friend said, that you have form for this type of manipulative behaviour. Your twin was very clear that he didn’t want a party, yet you went ahead with what you wanted anyway, regardless of what you’d been told and tried to manipulate him into attending. Your twin appears to have stood his ground against your manipulativeness and your friend has told you a few home truths. You’re 40, take heed or you will end up as a person others want to avoid.

You have no insight I am sorry to say. You ask us if you are being unreasonable.Surely it doesn't take rocket science to understand that to throw a party for someone who doesn't want one,is very selfish and thoughtless. Why on earth not have a party for you alone?
Your friend 's comments ,although not phrased tactfully,should make you take stock of the way you behave. Riding rough shot over people's feeling to get your own way ,is not goid.

I have 2 sets of twins and they've always done their own thing. They've never been in each other's pockets

No, she didn’t. She asked his wife.

And the wife told her they would both attend. You've assumed that his wife didn't discuss it with DB, but we don't know.

Round and round in circles again..

You're going round and round in circles. I've posted this to you before, but I'll remind you of what OP's told us: "I told my brother a few months ago that I wanted the party. He said that he didn't want a big fuss and wouldn't come.
I went ahead and organised one. His wife knew and said he'd come. The party came and he didn't show up. I'd assumed he would despite what he'd said." The fact that his wife knew OP was ignoring her DB's wishes and colluded with OP to manipulate him into attending the party is irrelevant (although rather disrespectful). At no point did OP's brother tell her he would attend the party - he was quite clear with her, months before she even started organising it, that he would not. OP's also told us that it was her SIL who phoned her shortly before the party was due to start to say they wouldn't be attending and no doubt she did this when she realised she'd failed to manipulate her DH into attending. Two women embarrassed themselves because they tried and failed to bend this man to their will. Appalling behaviour by both of them.

Oh Please Please have the last word... 😂

And yet here you are still.

We don’t need to know anything beyond the fact OP was told no, clearly, by her brother. It doesn’t matter what his wife said, she doesn’t speak for him. The brother already spoke for the brother, and OP chose to ignore that and embarrassed herself as a result (good!).

I think selfish is the wrong word. Thoughtless and insensitive yes. You didn’t listen to his wants you just decided for him what he would like and how he should celebrate his birthday despite him telling you he didn’t want a party. You certainly should have organised a party for yourself but it should have just been a party for you. He told you he wouldn’t attend again you didn’t listen you just assumed he would still come. Another example of you not listening to him and assuming he would just go along with the plans you thought he needed for his birthday.

I think you owe him an apology, not for wanting to do something nice for you both but for ignoring his wishes that’s where you have gone wrong here, you’ve shown no consideration for what he wanted only what you felt he needed. You can explain what your intentions were but that does not over ride not listening to what he wanted/didn’t want. He didn’t embarrass you, I’m afraid you embarrassed yourself by inviting all his friends and guests to a joint party when he told you he didn’t want it nor would he attend.

I am also a mum of twins and singletons and if one of my twins didn’t want to have a big party and the other did it anyway and included them despite seeing that their intentions were from a good place I would be very disappointed in them for not listening and respecting their siblings wishes and wants. It’s rather inconsiderate.

Now this for me is a totally different subject, as it yes it’s about your birthday but it’s not about sharing a party. You like your brother have feelings and they should be listened to just like in my opinion you should have listened and respected his feelings about a joint party for your 40th. I really think you need to have a serious heart to heart with him. You should not force joint birthday celebrations whether that’s a birthday meal out or a party for a milestone birthday but he should also wish you a happy birthday, send a card and make an effort to see you around your birthday, it doesn’t have to be on the actual day. He is wrong if he doesn’t. But I don’t think it’s a case of he has had it his way for all these years and he should have done it the way you wanted to celebrate it this time. I can see there is more back ground to this as in not acknowledging your birthday with a card each year than just the party. You both need to sit down have a conversation apologise for not respecting his wishes but voice your hurt with regards to birthday cards etc. you both don’t seem listen or respect each other and your differences. Like I said previously I am a twin mum and a mum to singletons and it is difficult to navigate but twins or not as siblings you are very different people clearly and both need to respect each other and seeing your updates it’s clear that communication is lacking in your relationship as brother and sister x

This! @loonyloo please listen, the vast majority of us have tried to help you with this. We can see that you are fracturing your relationships and with our advice, you could rebuild those bridges and move on!

OP,
Good idea to match your brothers energy.
Let him contact you going forward.
What he did was make it very plain that he isn't pushed about contact.
Match his energy.
As for your friend, take space there too.
Her mental health isn't for you to fix.

Take space and mind yourself.
Sometimes although we mean well, people want to do things their way.

So leave him be! You're 40, not 4 - he's a grown man and is allowed to do (or not do) what he likes.

It isn't him "getting his way" - he's not your bloody Siamese twin!

Yes I don't believe anyone has recommended or suggested they live in each other's pockets

I've never had a birthday party. I've never wanted one.

You are not selfish to want a party but YABU to expect your brother to also want a party and YABVU to be upset at him not coming when he said he didn’t want a party and wouldn’t come. It’s quite disrespectful of you to go ahead against his wishes and honestly you owe him a big apology. No one would have found it weird if the party was just for you. Surely people know you and your brother have different tastes and personalities?
I would advice you to reflect upon what your friend said because I think she tried to tell you that you have form for not taking other people’s feelings into account and dismissing their wishes when they don’t suit you. Your angry feelings towards your friend (saying she was rude and needs to watch her temper) tell me you struggle to reflect upon your actions. Your friend is probably fed up of you feeling sorry for yourself in situations where you didn’t consider other people’s feelings.

Except he told you he DIDN’T enjoy his 21st.

A nice birthday for him is not a party. You could have given him a nice birthday by listening to what he wanted.

You can't make someone do something they really don't feel comfortable. You love big parties - your brother doesn't. Why on earth are you doing this? You already knew he didn't like this sort of thing but ploughed ahead regardless. Any embarrassment you've experienced you've brought on yourself. In future, if your brother says No, listen to him!

Op you do sound a little bit controlling tbh. Maybe let your friend worry about her own mental health? You don't need to fix everyone's issues all the time. You should probably have messaged your brother and told him lots of his friends would be at the party. That could have persuaded him to come. He probably hates being in the limelight. Is he an introvert?

Except he told you he DIDN’T enjoy his 21st.

And it was a big assumption that just because something turned out okay in the end 20 years ago that it would again.

...every year we do what he wants to do, which means we do nothing!!!

See I don't get this... why does what he wants to do mean "we" do nothing? You surely are well able to celebrate your birthday with your own friends & family.

I have experience from both sides on this...
My family are big into birthdays, everyone celebrates everyone else's birthday, parties, presents and cards galore 🥳 🎉 🪅 🎊 🎁 🎂 ( sometimes it's too much!)
DP's family are the complete opposite, they barely wish each other happy birthday. Neither his parents nor his siblings came to his 50th birthday party - they lived close by and it was hosted in our house, so it wouldn't have cost them anything. And no, to answer a previous question you asked... they don't give presents / cards.
It's just how it is - no-one expects others to behave differently. Everyone celebrates in their own way (or not as the case may be!)