To have organised a 40th birthday party for me and my twin?

[loonyloo]

I've just had an argument with my lifelong friend about this.

I have a twin brother. We turned 40 a couple of weeks ago. I wanted a big party as it's a big milestone. I don't think that's unusual. I told my brother a few months ago that I wanted the party. He said that he didn't want a big fuss and wouldn't come.

I went ahead and organised one. His wife knew and said he'd come. The party came and he didn't show up. I'd assumed he would despite what he'd said. I was really embarrassed in front of all our extended family and friends and upset that he'd let me down. I really thought he'd come. He'd said he hadn't wanted a 21st either but I did, so my mum organised a big party for us. He was a bit grumpy about it, but he did come and enjoyed himself in the end.

I'd told my friend how upset I was about it but she didn't say very much. She can be like that though, she's a bit unfeeling. I saw her on Friday and we ended up having a disagreement about something else that escalated and the subject of the party came up. She said that I was in the wrong for throwing a party for me and my brother. She said if I wanted a party I should've thrown one for myself and not told everyone it was for both of us. She said it was an example of me "always, always having to have things your own fucking way" and that I was selfish.

I'm really upset. I don't think it's selfish of me to want to have a party and I don't see why I shouldn't have one just because my brother doesn't want one. I can't have one just for myself, everyone knows we're twins and it would look weird for me to have a birthday party without him. My friend was really rude today and needs to watch her temper. I'm a really kind person and I think it's not too much to ask for others to put themselves out for me sometimes, but I've been thinking about what my friend said and now I'm worried other people think I was selfish about the party.

You’re adults with independent lives. Why is it hurtful to you if he doesn’t attend your party? Can’t you be glad that he’s happy celebrating in a way that he enjoys?

So you made quite a few sacrifices for him, in your youth; he isn’t willing to even meet you halfway in marking your birthday in the ways you would like (he won’t celebrate but also won’t send you a card or a gift)? I can see why you would like him to on this occasion, and why you’re hurt and fed up that he hasn’t- although that’s not quite how your point comes across (“I thought he would enjoy it once he was there”).

BUT from your friend’s reaction, and your description of your conversation with her leading up to the disagreement, I wonder if you may also have a trait where you do think you know what’s best for people, and perhaps in attempting to persuade them of what you think you know, you can be a bit bombastic? Maybe worth thinking about how you go about trying to help people out of their own bad habits?

Are you going to let his friends know that he never wanted a party on his 40th birthday and you still decided to invite them?

You wrote 7 more posts this evening after 23 pages of people trying to tell you his point of view, at least you can acknowledge that you made a mistake and you are going to let his friends know he didn’t know about them coming or it was your idea.

You are hearing it people calling you shit sister but so many people were very polite and balanced in explaining his point of view, also calling you well intentioned. But you are still angry about all the bad things happened to you. What about you causing a potential misunderstanding between your brother and friends? Can you once look one thing from your brother’s point of view since you are so family oriented?

OP what did you want from this thread?
Did you want us all to agree with you and make you feel important?

Mumsnet isn't the place for that. You asked an Internet forum for their opinion and thats what you got.

Most people haven't been rude or nasty but just told you the truth and their thoughts on it. I have seen very little actual nastiness in this thread.

You are being overly defensive. Kindly, I dont think mumsnet is quite the right place for you if you can't handle honest opinions.

I don’t think that’s what is being said. It’s interesting that you frame it like this. People disagreeing with you, or wanting to do things differently are doing just that. They are not saying you are a shit person.

You are still focused on how you feel/ felt , and not really taking on board your brother’s feelings and wishes. Ones he actually communicated to you directly. That’s what I’d classify as selfish on your part. Doesn’t mean you are a shit person. But when so many people here, and irl are saying more or less the same isn’t it worth at least thinking about it?

You may have felt let down, I get it. So might I possibly, but that’s for you to manage. As in manage your feelings. Not rearrange things/ organise events to make you feel better.

OP I think your missing the point by saying you always do nothing as thats what he wants - your a grown adult who can do whatever they like for their own birthday!

I think you've really crossed a line by inviting his friends to this shitshow of a 'joint party'. I bet he's mortified! You should have just planned your own party.

I know 3 sets of twins and they each do their own thing for birthdays and would just check that they aren't on the same date as they share some of the same friends.

You really need to reflect on your behaviour if you can't actually see how wrong you were here as your at risk of damaging the relationship you have with your twin

How did this thread suddenly become about her brother’s sport hobby being prioritised over hers when op has not acknowledged that maybe there was a tiny bit of boundary overstepped by her and her brother is not wrong to wish to spend his birthday the day he wants to, and that inviting his friends and subsequent embarrassment is on her not her brother and she atleast needs to clarify it to the friends?

Your brother didnt want a party. So he didnt come.

You can feel disappointed but why are you going so crazy over it.

Hes 40 years old. If he doesnt want a party he doesnt have to have a party!

The twin defense is kinda irrelevant.

Im totally the same. Hate parties and all that attention. Respect his wishes and move on.

Well... yes it is his birthday. Doesn't make it his party. But he can also say "no I won't be attending". Because he is a separate adult with his own decisions.

Heck you put on the invites "Please come to my party. John may be there but please be considerate of his own feelings about our birthday and do not wish him a happy birthday, if he doesn't come then please don't ask where he is as he does not enjoy partiesc"

It's pretty obvious to anyone else, even if you don't think you do, that you do resent him...

“I have not had, or asked my brother for, a birthday party since our 21st. So it's been 19 years of his way”

It’s always going to be his way. It’s his birthday to spend as he chooses. Not yours jointly - his. You don’t enter into his decision making unless he chooses to include you.

And that’s the way it should be. At no point should he feel obligated to go along with your plans that make him unhappy.

Goodness me, don't you get it.....he didn't want to go...even if the party was just for you! We are not saying that you should have thrown a party for you and he would have gone, he wouldn't. He was ted to spend his birthday his own way. He did not want a party for you both and he didn't want to go for a party just for you either. He didn't want to go because he shares the birthday with you and even if it was just for you, he'd be expected to have his friends there and everyone would be wishing him a happy birthday.

Why could you not just have a party and make it clear it's a party just for you, not invited his friends and not expect your brother to go? If you'd thrown the party just for you and let family and friends know it's just for you as your brother didn't want to go, there would of been no awkwardness on the day!

As for the fall out with your friend, she sounds exasperated...she clearly had had enough nof being forced into situations she doesn't want to be in to please you. If the friendship means anything to you, you need to apologise to her for making her feel so uncomfortable. I doubt she enjoyed having to stand up to you, but you weren't listening!

I think @loonyloo you are not understanding this and you sound very similar to my sister.

She always has the best of intentions but in the process she thinks she knows better than anyone else and everyone gets steam rollered in the process.

Numerous examples of her ploughing ahead with parties in honour other of people without caring if they even want the party.

Honesty? You are coming across as selfish I’m afraid

You are still focused on how you feel/ felt , and not really taking on board your brother’s feelings and wishes.

Some people just can’t do what you are expecting from them: We have all spent years expecting understanding our feelings from our loved ones who tend to make it about themselves and they never understand. I don’t why it is so but some people cannot take it on board no matter how much you try to make them see the other person’s feelings. Maybe they have a lot of self love and hearing their behaviour can be hurtful is something they take as very deep personal criticism.

Because OP is determined not to be wrong

You do realise you are separate people with clearly very different likes/personalities etc

Your updates make you sound worse and worse 😂

I’ll have to show this thread to my DH. He’s a 42yo identical twin. Their last joint party was when they were 10. And they don’t even bother texting each other on the day 🤣

If BIL suggested a party and asked me to bring DH along I know exactly what his response would be…!

You do what you want on your birthday, he does what he wants on his birthday. The fact that they’re on the same day is immaterial.

My parents are hugely sociable. Every event is celebrated with multiple people. They are always out with others. Our house growing up was full of people, there were always friends staying over for me and my siblings.
Im 51 now. I live with my husband and done of my adult children. I don’t leave the house. They spend so much time trying to get me to do things. They cannot understand I’m do different.
We are all different. Let him be him.

Because op’s parents expected their kids fo make compromises for each other which is fair enough up to an extent t but it seems like now op expect that from her brother that he needs to put his wishes aside for what his family wants, even on his birthday.
Expressing a need or boundary is taken as being selfish as you need to be super flexible for the greater benefit of the family and making a sibling or son do something they don’t want is considered normal and kind because they know them better than they know themselves that they will enjoy the activity they are avoiding.

So you haven't had a birthday party since your 21st?

Well tbh a lot of people won't have done I wouldn't have thought.

Maybe one for their 30th?

But that surely doesn't mean that you haven't celebrated your birthday at all because your brother hasn't wanted to?

You're nuts OP. Not wanting a joint birthday party does not equal not marking your birthday.

You started off this thread asking if you were unreasonable for forcing an unwanted joint birthday party on your twin brother who clearly stated he didn't want a party, but you decided he needed one because he's unsociable.

It's now clear that actually your issue isn't that you are concerned about your brother's social life but that you want him to do more to celebrate you and demonstrate he cares about you.

If you'd led with that instead of trying to frame it as a selfless act of love gone wrong, you might have had different responses.

With that in mind, it's not unreasonable to want your family to make a fuss of you on your birthday if that's your thing, but you do need to accept that he isn't going to.

Next time you want a birthday party, throw a birthday party for you and if people ask where the twin is just be honest, "Oh he's not into parties."

If it's important to you then let him know it would mean a lot to you if he sent a card to acknowledge the day.

Yes it seems it's been ok in some folks eyes, to see everything from your twin's perspective, but not from yours
In my humblest opinion, if you didn't care, you wouldn't have commenced this post - To me it's common sense & I most sure don't think you're selfish
& it wasn't about my taking sides, it was simply seeing things from where you're coming from, as well's understanding your twin's views too
I'm praying You & Your Beloved Twin continue to build your relationship & bond & don't permit anything or anyone to come between you
I do have much compassion for you both, because we've got numerous sets of twins in our family & I totally empathise with how important your bond is etc - & I think you both sound lovely
Wishing you all the very best 🙏

What on earth is with this "beloved twin" nonsense? They aren't married. It's perfectly fine if he doesn't want to have a birthday party!

Jesus @loonyloo - accept that the very VAST majority of people think you’re being utterly unreasonable and spend some in self-reflection rather than banging on blithely about how wronged you are. You’re not. You’re just wrong.