To have organised a 40th birthday party for me and my twin?

[loonyloo]

I've just had an argument with my lifelong friend about this.

I have a twin brother. We turned 40 a couple of weeks ago. I wanted a big party as it's a big milestone. I don't think that's unusual. I told my brother a few months ago that I wanted the party. He said that he didn't want a big fuss and wouldn't come.

I went ahead and organised one. His wife knew and said he'd come. The party came and he didn't show up. I'd assumed he would despite what he'd said. I was really embarrassed in front of all our extended family and friends and upset that he'd let me down. I really thought he'd come. He'd said he hadn't wanted a 21st either but I did, so my mum organised a big party for us. He was a bit grumpy about it, but he did come and enjoyed himself in the end.

I'd told my friend how upset I was about it but she didn't say very much. She can be like that though, she's a bit unfeeling. I saw her on Friday and we ended up having a disagreement about something else that escalated and the subject of the party came up. She said that I was in the wrong for throwing a party for me and my brother. She said if I wanted a party I should've thrown one for myself and not told everyone it was for both of us. She said it was an example of me "always, always having to have things your own fucking way" and that I was selfish.

I'm really upset. I don't think it's selfish of me to want to have a party and I don't see why I shouldn't have one just because my brother doesn't want one. I can't have one just for myself, everyone knows we're twins and it would look weird for me to have a birthday party without him. My friend was really rude today and needs to watch her temper. I'm a really kind person and I think it's not too much to ask for others to put themselves out for me sometimes, but I've been thinking about what my friend said and now I'm worried other people think I was selfish about the party.

I have not had, or asked my brother for, a birthday party since our 21st. So it's been 19 years of his way

This sounds like you need your brother's permission to have a party, which you don't. Just accept he does not like/want parties, you do, so just do your own thing.

We never do anything for our birthday at all because he never wants to (which to be fair I haven't mentioned on here before)

Why does it need to be 'we'? You do what you want for your birthday, he does what he wants surely? You are not living together are you?

If I have a party that is just "my" party and not his, with our family and my friends, and he comes as a guest, it ends up being his party anyway as people wish him happy birthday etc. Not a problem for me, but that then means he is having a party

Accept him not coming, accept he doesn't like parties.

By inviting his friends he at least had people there just for him

But he didn't want to come to a party so his friends being there was irrelevant.

the other option is that I have "my own" party and he doesn't come at all. But how many of you, hand on heart, wouldn't feel hurt and left down if your own brother couldn't be bothered to come to a milestone birthday party? Or something other event that was important to you? Twin or not? Even for an hour?

I would accept that he doesn't like or want parties and that events that are important to you are not to him. This is who he is, you need to accept that and not put pressure on him to be different to please you.

You and he and are two separate people. Him not wanting to do something for his birthday does not preclude you from doing something for your birthday.

As I said previously if invited as a couple, a couple normally consult each other, they don't then both reply, and I do reply to invitations on my DH's behalf because we've discussed it - as he does on my behalf. If he says he doesn't want to go, I tell the person who invited us we are not coming.. And even more so if we accept the invitation and then can't go.

We don't know whether the wife took it upon herself to reply without even asking him. We don't know if he agreed at the time of the invite and then decided not to go nearer the time.

And I am perfectly aware that " Adults get to decide for themselves whether they want to do something or not." thankyou. I never suggested that he shouldn't.

I think OP should have listened to him when she first raised it months before and not proceeded, but when she invited nearer the time, she received an acceptance which was misleading. A simple no to that invite would have solved the problem.

I think your posts, including the ones highlighting your friends comments towards you, perhaps explain why your brother doesn't want to be around you. People dont go low contact for no reason, you've since stated he won't even go for dinner with you.

Speaking of your friends comments when they've shouted 'it's not about you' and 'stop trying to have everything your way'... those kinds of explosions dont just happen, generally. They're a build up, and it's clearly a build up of your behavior. You're getting unbias advise here and refusing to listen, however it's clearly time you looked at yourself in the mirror.

You are the one OP, that doesn't get what we are all (most anyway)are trying to help you with;
Your brother does not like social situations or bi events! You say family is important to you, so you should care what those loved ones want for themselves. You share a birthday and you wanted a party and he didn't. So throw a party for you and invite him but don't make him feel bad if he doesn't want to go!

I have a brother and we are both introverted. But my brother is more introverted than me. He has never come to any of my Christmas meals or birthday meals. I respect what he wants because I love him. It doesn't hurt or upset me at all. What I want and enjoy does not have to be the same for him.

Why can't you see that you have really got to your brother and friend? If you care about them, rebuild that bridge before it's too late!!

• "I have not had, or asked my brother for, a birthday party since our 21st. So it's been 19 years of his way

No, it hasn't "been 19 years of his way" 🙄 You are two individuals who happened to share a uterus. Him not wanting a birthday party does not mean you cannot celebrate your birthday how you want to (as long as this doesn't mean you throwing a JOINT birthday party expressly against his wishes).

It's time to face up to the fact that he doesn't feel the same as you do about this. He literally couldn't give a fuck about celebrating birthdays with his twin. And that's ok. You need to accept that and plan your own birthday accordingly each year.

You are still failing to see that his decision not to have a party does not impact your ability to have one for yourself. You are being really very silly with the "19 years of his way" crap. I'd have thought at 40years old you'd have grown up by now.

It all sounds very unhealthy on your part. You're twins through random chance - it doesn't mean you're bound together for life or that you should be forced to always celebrate your birthday together until the end of time. It doesn't even mean you need to like each other or spend any time together.

Just do what you want for your birthday. It's nothing to do with your brother.

"I'm a really kind person". Are you? Doesn't really sound like it, you tried to pressure your brother into a party he very clearly said he didn't want with no regard for his feelings on his birthday. You could easily have said the party was for you because he didn't want one.

This. I'm really not getting your posts OP. And to your other point, I do care about my extended family and friends and I still don't see my siblings on my birthday and haven't in any years. My parents who are also close to their siblings don't see them on their birthdays. It's fine. Nobody is hurt, quite frankly I've better things to be worried about.

And I don't get why he "is getting his own way" for your birthdays. You're both adults. Have the birthday celebration you want to have. Your brother should get to get to have the birthday celebration he wants. The fact you are twins is irrelevant. You aren't children anymore, you don't have to celebrate your birthdays together.

Though if you're as bloody minded in real life as you're coming across here, then it's perhaps no surprise why he doesn't want to celebrate with you.....

Growing up, he did a particular sport. He was very good at it. He had potential to compete at an elite level. We used to go to all his events as a family. Sometimes we had to drive for hours and sometimes we went abroad. Family holidays were often built around his sporting events. It was expensive for mum and dad. I was told at one point I couldn't join a specific activity group because it clashed with my brother's sport and he "had great potential" so I was expected to make a sacrifice. When I got a bit older I wanted to skip some of his events and go shopping with my friends and snog boys down the park. But I was told to grin and bear it and support my brother because that's what families do.

I know you're all probably going to interpret that as me having some deep seated resentment towards him for all this. But I don't - my mum and dad were right, families do support each other. He was lucky enough to be great at something he enjoyed, I enjoyed watching him be great at it, and I was upset for him when he got injured in his late teens and his dreams died. It was hard for him.

But it was far from the case that "his wants were ignored" or that I wasn't asked to put myself second sometimes.

If I have "my own" party and he doesn't come, not only is it hurtful, but I also have people coming up to me asking "where's John, is he not here yet" all evening. So I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. This is what I can't get people to understand

It’s perfectly reasonable for him to do what he wants to do on his birthday, which is nothing. You are not in any way forced to do what he wants to do, nothing is stopping you celebrating without him. The thing is, it is very awkward for him to show up to your birthday party as your sibling to celebrate your birthday, because it automatically puts attention on him because it’s his birthday too and he’s clearly not comfortable with that. Some people don’t like being the centre of attention. I’m afraid there is no way around it, so you’re just going to have to accept it as one of those things where there is no perfect solution for everyone.

Moving forward, I suggest you send him a heartfelt apology saying you really hadn’t understood just how much he didn’t want a big party, and that, while you thought you were doing a nice thing because it was something you’d enjoy, you realise now that it’s not what he’d enjoy. Maybe, once things have blown over, you could suggest a new tradition where every year sometime around your birthday you go out for lunch with just the two of you for a really good chat and some nice food. You can always have a party separately by yourself too.

We get you, we just know you are wrong and what you did was selfish because it was all about what YOU wanted and you thought you could pressure your brother into it. You have zero self awareness. Develop some.

Fuck me this thread gets worse as it goes

OP you have literally no self awareness

Yes, you can have a party that's just yours. He could chose not to come. But him just being wished happy birthday doesn't make it his birthday.

You also definitely do resent him for your childhood

She already had the simple no. She just chose to try and circumvent it and it blew up in her face 🤷🏻‍♀️

@loonyloo You may have thought you were doing a nice thing for him but after his response , and all the responses on the thread can you not see that you did not? .
You wanted a party , he told you he did not and wasn't coming , but you ignored his wishes .
You are adults, and every year you can both celebrate your birthday as you wish, it is not a case of taking turns with your ,or his, preferences .
It seem you have form for thinking you know better than the other person . Your friend declined an activity because she didn't want to go but you kept pushing because you thought you knew best . Stop trying to impose your choices on other adults .
You complain about a pile on but you cant see its you who is out of step with your reasoning here .

But you aren't children anymore. You are both 40 year old adults, so he doesn't have to attend an unwanted birthday party because your parents made you watch all of his sporting events throughout your childhood. This man owes you nothing.

That you find it hurtful is a you problem. That you don’t feel you can have a party without him is a you problem. That you dislike him not wanting to do anything with you is a you problem. None of those are problems he’s responsible for solving.

He doesn’t have to do go out with you, or have a party with you, if he doesn’t want to. No matter how much you stamp your foot and bleat about how ‘families should support each other’ (aka ‘my brother should do what I want’), he’s totally free to ignore you. You can either start accepting ‘no’ at face value, or carry on ignoring the clearly stated wishes of others and getting told to fuck off as a result.

He didn’t want the 21st but you did so you had your own way. He’s a 40 year old man why should he have to people please so his sister can have her own way again.

”If I have "my own" party and he doesn't come, not only is it hurtful, but I also have people coming up to me asking "where's John, is he not here yet" all evening. So I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. This is what I can't get people to understand.”

You tell them the same thing we’ve been telling you, @loonyloo - “John doesn’t enjoy parties, so he’s not coming. I respect his choice.”

Do you have any siblings? Would you like it if they basically refused to mark your birthday, ever? Ignore the twin aspect for now. Just think how it would feel if your brother refused to ever show up for you. Can't you see how hurtful that could be?

Yes I can see it is hurtful. However, and as gently as I can say this, you have known about this side of his personality for years, you trying to encourage, railroad, get him to attend under sufferance is not changing this aspect of his personality is it?

You need to accept this is who he is and stop trying to get him to be different.

Oh well, you’ll just have to suck it up because he’s made it clear you’re not going to force him.

He’s fully entitled to choose to do nothing. He’s not duty bound to have dinner with you, celebrate with you, see or even speak to you because you feel you can’t do anything without him.

This. And surely if it's family and friends asking then they'll know your brother well enough to know he doesn't want to be there!

You’re adults. You decide what you want to do. He decides what he wants to do. There is no ‘we’. There is no give and take, you’re right. He doesn’t need to consult you on anything. You and he make totally independent decisions. It’s none of your business how he chooses to spend his birthday.

You’re a fool to yourself OP. Doubling down and too busy defending yourself to actually listen and learn. You’re making yourself and other people unhappy.

Do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy?

You can’t keep telling yourself you’re a kind, good person, and so everyone else must therefore approve of your suggestions and plans. Your actions actually prove otherwise, that you’re entirely self-absorbed and selfish.

It was your parents who made you attend the sport , not " John " ,and it's sounds quite unfair on you, but having been dragged to something you didn't enjoy why on earth would you want to make others do the same .
Everyone only asked where John was as you said it was a joint party and invited some of his friends .
All of this could have been avoided by actually listening to what your brother told you .

In his view, being wished happy birthday does mean it makes it his birthday. What you're saying is logical, but he doesn't think like that. So he won't come if it's just "my" party.

And I don't resent our childhood. I actually started to say that I think the activity I wanted to do probably would in all honesty have been a passing fad and mum and dad made the right call, but I decided it would be better at the end of the paragraph so deleted it and then forgot to put it back in 🤦‍♀️. I was allowed to join other stuff that didn't clash, so it's not like I wasn't able to do anything I liked. I only explained all that to counter the view that when we were kids I was the little princess who had everything her way while he was the poor neglected, ignored child. I think mum and dad had a lot to juggle between the 3 of us kids and they got it mostly right in fairness to them