To have organised a 40th birthday party for me and my twin?

[loonyloo]

I've just had an argument with my lifelong friend about this.

I have a twin brother. We turned 40 a couple of weeks ago. I wanted a big party as it's a big milestone. I don't think that's unusual. I told my brother a few months ago that I wanted the party. He said that he didn't want a big fuss and wouldn't come.

I went ahead and organised one. His wife knew and said he'd come. The party came and he didn't show up. I'd assumed he would despite what he'd said. I was really embarrassed in front of all our extended family and friends and upset that he'd let me down. I really thought he'd come. He'd said he hadn't wanted a 21st either but I did, so my mum organised a big party for us. He was a bit grumpy about it, but he did come and enjoyed himself in the end.

I'd told my friend how upset I was about it but she didn't say very much. She can be like that though, she's a bit unfeeling. I saw her on Friday and we ended up having a disagreement about something else that escalated and the subject of the party came up. She said that I was in the wrong for throwing a party for me and my brother. She said if I wanted a party I should've thrown one for myself and not told everyone it was for both of us. She said it was an example of me "always, always having to have things your own fucking way" and that I was selfish.

I'm really upset. I don't think it's selfish of me to want to have a party and I don't see why I shouldn't have one just because my brother doesn't want one. I can't have one just for myself, everyone knows we're twins and it would look weird for me to have a birthday party without him. My friend was really rude today and needs to watch her temper. I'm a really kind person and I think it's not too much to ask for others to put themselves out for me sometimes, but I've been thinking about what my friend said and now I'm worried other people think I was selfish about the party.

I think, Iand I mean this kindly, that perhaps you should speak to a therapist. You seem to be upset with your brother because of expectations that you have for him. Because you supported him as a child and teenager and your parents it seems put him first in that context you feel that he should support you. OP I think he matters a great deal to you but he can't seem to meet your view as to how a twin should behave.
I don't know if you are from a culture where families would take a brother not attending his sister's party as a snub, perhaps that's an aspect too.

You post has developed since your OP with your further responses. At the start it was basically that you wanted a joint 40th with your twin brother, he said he didn't want one and said he wouldn't come but you organised it anyway and then were upset that he didn't come.

You've now talked about other issues where he never gives you a birthday card or present or wishes you a happy birthday, which is a little odd for a sibling I think. But this behaviour from him should tell you even more how birthdays are simply not his 'thing'. It may be upsetting for you, well it seems that it is, and that's understandable I think but that is who he is. I would have thought that you would have got the message by now and just let him be. Celebrate with him at other times and in other ways and just enjoy your birthday with your own friends and family and just accept that it's not his thing. I do understand that you are upset by his behaviour but you can't change him, he doesn't behave like this to deliberately hurt you.

I also think that it is interesting that you have now told the story of your brother having the sport that he was good at and how it impacted you. This is totally irrelevant to the birthday story yet so very relevant reading between the lines.

He told you he wasn't going to go so tbh, you shouldn't be hugely surprised. Not everyone enjoys parties.

Thank you. I think one of the things that the thread has helped me with is that my brother isn't as interested maintaining a relationship with me as I am with him, rightly or wrongly. I think it'll be better for me if I stop wasting my time and emotional energy expecting any different from him. If I go low contact with him that will probably make him happier too.

Did your brother ever want or enjoy parties? Does he have children? If so does he host parties for them?

Back on track I’ve not had a birthday card off my sibling since my mother stopped shoving them under his nose to sign them, not a text. I’ll get a gift if I see him near our birthdays. I might not see him for years. I’m not mad or sad if he has a party and I’m not invited it’s his party and we are very different people.

I don’t think even his partner gets cards off him.

Also it’s not been his way for all those years to your upset. As two separate people he has spent his birthday how he wants yes. But you’ve had the choice of how to spend your birthday have a party or a dinner or a holiday just be aware your brother won’t come.

Honestly I was surprised my sibling even attended my wedding no joke at all he can be hard to pin down and honestly it wouldn’t have bothered me if he hadn’t. Mum however would have likely lost her shit. Don’t think he met my children till any of them were at least a good six months old maybe older. Never come to their birthday parties either.

Sorry op you wanted the party he didn’t you should have just accepted he doesn’t like fuss whereas you do. It’s not about just you it was basically you ignoring him going ahead without his consent and then he followed through with his actions like he said and it made you look stupid. Maybe you just need to respect your brother and accept you don’t have to celebrate your birthday together. He was honest up front with you and you thought the guilt would make him change his mind but you were wrong just accept it.

That's the problem it's only about how you feel and what you want. There is a lot of "I" in your post what about your brother and what he wants. If he doesn't want to mingle and party he doesn't have to and he doesn't need your judgement. Your friend is highlighting what she has had to put with from you. Listen to her she cares enough to be honest think about other people feelings rather than your own.

I've read all of your comments, OP, and I'm afraid you come across as totally self-absorbed. Even the things you say to try to defend your point of view make you sound worse.

You was rude you invited his friends to a party he didn't want to go to. Do you like to be the centre of attention?
Your poor friend I can see what she has to put up with.

He didn't stop you having the party he said he wasn't going.

Twins don't really do this.

maybe just give it some time to settle down and try a more gentle approach. The current situation is that you tried to force a party on him when he explicitly told you he didn’t want one. This doesn’t mean he doesn’t want a relationship with you, maybe he just doesn’t want a relationship with you where you ignore what he wants and try to force him to do what you want. If you make it clear you’ve realised that was wrong you maybe he’ll be willing to build a new relationship. This is going to take some time though. No matter how gently I try to put it, you really were massively out of order. If you’re willing to eat a bit of humble pie, and genuinely change your attitude towards him, maybe you can start again. It sounds like you do have some good memories of your shared childhood.

I'm one of 4 siblings.

My brother chooses not to come to any parties any of the rest of us have. It's fine. He doesn't like parties, and his wife isn't keen either.

It's not hurtful at all. What is the point in him coming and being uncomfortable all night ?
People don't ask about him as obviously most friends wouldn't know him so wouldn't miss him, and family (or really longstanding friends) who do know him, know him well enough to know he doesn't enjoy parties so they wouldn't expect him to be there.

So no, no hurt from me, or my sisters.

We get it...it may or may not seem weird to have a solo party, but this is what you are missing, "IF HE DOESN'T WANT A FECKING PARTY HE DOESN'T WANT A FECKING PARTY".

Exactly. We 'get it.' We just think 'it' is absolutely ludicrous!

That makes no sense. Unless you are conjoined twins, then how does a sibling not wanting to go out - be that dinner, a day trip, clubbing, a house party, or a party in a function room - prevent you from going out ?

If you want to do any of those things or something completely different, why don't you do them with your friends, or partner, or anyone else who likes doing those things ?

You are making no sense at all.

You are proving your friend correct by posting the above. He's not you, he doesn't like parties, he told you this clearly. He probably had a perfectly nice birthday, doing what he enjoys.
You embarrassed yourself by inviting people to a party that your brother didn't want.
Reflect on how everyone else is reacting to your post and how your selective hearing, impacts on yourself and others.

Once again you're in victim mode. Literally no-one on here has called you a "shit person", much less a "cunt". And if you can't be relied upon to accurately report what we've all written and can read for ourselves, then I take your accounts of your interactions with your DB and your friends with a pinch of salt. Small wonder they're so exasperated with you that they "blow up". 🙄

"We do what he wants to do every year. Which is nothing." NO! You do not do what your DB wants every year. He is doing what he wants every year, which is to not celebrate his birthday with you - he just doesn't want to. And as hurtful as you may find this fact, you simply have to accept it.

Your brother said he didn’t want a party, you organised a party against his wishes tried to force him to come and got upset when he didn’t.

I don’t understand? Of course you are being very unreasonable! How can you not see that?

I think your friend is right the fact you are even asking and thing your friend is wrong for telling the truth.

you could have organised a party and explained brother didn’t want one that would have been ok. He might then have attended as a guest with the pressure off.

Then OP, your DB is telling you, with his words and actions, that he doesn't want to spend time with you. He obviously doesn't enjoy your company and you need to accept this. Invest your time and energy in the people who do enjoy your company.

So he doesn't even send you a birthday card then?

Now you’re going into victim mode OP. Stop it. You’re an adult. No need for the dramatic stuff about low contact, it’s juvenile. What you essentially mean is you’re going to punish him now for not doing what you want.

It’s not that your brother isn’t as interested in maintaining a relationship as you are - by that you mean a relationship on your terms, where he meets your expectations of him and does what you think he ought to do. And that’s where you’re going wrong.

You can’t force people to be who they’re not OP. You can’t teach a pig to fly. It doesn’t work and it annoys the pig. He gets to decide how he lives his life and how he spends his birthday. It has nothing to do with you, and your opinions are irrelevant.

Stop micromanaging, stop telling yourself you’re being kind when you’re forcing others into situations they don’t want to be in, and stop feeling sorry for yourself now and thinking of punishing your brother with low contact because you’re not getting your own way - ie: no one appreciates how kind and thoughtful you are. It’s incredibly manipulative and nasty.

Yes & where exactly did I mention that it was not ok? I was not married to my Mum either, but it doesn't mean I take offence nor read something wrong into every time a friend or acquaintance refers to Her Anniversary as Your Beloved Mum's Anniversary
Why feel the need to pick faults & mock, just because you choose not to see good in all parties!?

Well, that's clear-cut then OP. Your sibling relationship simply isn't that important to him. You may find that hurtful, but there's nothing you can do about it and your attitude is likely to push him even further away (if that's possible).