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Original poster

To have organised a 40th birthday party for me and my twin?

742 replies

loonyloo · 25/08/2025 20:31

I've just had an argument with my lifelong friend about this.

I have a twin brother. We turned 40 a couple of weeks ago. I wanted a big party as it's a big milestone. I don't think that's unusual. I told my brother a few months ago that I wanted the party. He said that he didn't want a big fuss and wouldn't come.

I went ahead and organised one. His wife knew and said he'd come. The party came and he didn't show up. I'd assumed he would despite what he'd said. I was really embarrassed in front of all our extended family and friends and upset that he'd let me down. I really thought he'd come. He'd said he hadn't wanted a 21st either but I did, so my mum organised a big party for us. He was a bit grumpy about it, but he did come and enjoyed himself in the end.

I'd told my friend how upset I was about it but she didn't say very much. She can be like that though, she's a bit unfeeling. I saw her on Friday and we ended up having a disagreement about something else that escalated and the subject of the party came up. She said that I was in the wrong for throwing a party for me and my brother. She said if I wanted a party I should've thrown one for myself and not told everyone it was for both of us. She said it was an example of me "always, always having to have things your own fucking way" and that I was selfish.

I'm really upset. I don't think it's selfish of me to want to have a party and I don't see why I shouldn't have one just because my brother doesn't want one. I can't have one just for myself, everyone knows we're twins and it would look weird for me to have a birthday party without him. My friend was really rude today and needs to watch her temper. I'm a really kind person and I think it's not too much to ask for others to put themselves out for me sometimes, but I've been thinking about what my friend said and now I'm worried other people think I was selfish about the party.

OP posts:
ScorchingEgg · 26/08/2025 10:58

I will leave this example as a warning as I think so far, your twin and others around you have put up with how controlling you are.

My SO has family like you. He has repeatedly tried to calmly, nicely, explain where his boundaries are - and for the record, having boundaries is a healthy thing, people are autonomous human beings, regardless of their being a twin or not. They get to make their own decisions. My SO’s family did not listen. So he put down a very clear boundary around his attendance at family events so he could attend and try and meet their needs but also enforce a time limit and a requirement for notifying him so many days in advance so he could move his diary around. His family refused to observe his boundaries because ‘they are nice and know best what is good for him.’

The result is he is now very low contact with them. They can’t be trusted to respect his choices as a grown man so he has put his foot down.

Your party example and your friend example are the same thing - you deciding you know what is best for grown adults despite them making their position clear. It honestly doesn’t matter if you INTEND to be kind - you have to learn to respect other people’s boundaries. If you don’t, you may find they no longer wish to associate with you. Healthy relationships are about separate people finding common ground and compromising and being flexible - not one person acting as a dictator.

My OH’s family still don’t get it. They still think they’re kind and he’s just mean. That’s okay. They still don’t get to control him and now they are dealing with consequences.

budgiegirl · 26/08/2025 10:59

I'm a twin, and I get it. I don't think you were selfish, and I understand that you were trying to do a nice thing for your brother.

However, I do think you were a bit arrogant about it. He told you he didn't want a party, he told you he wouldn't come. Then you get upset and embarrassed that he didn't show up, and feel let down, even though he had made it quite clear that he wouldn't be there.

As nice as you were trying to be, you and his wife rode rough shod over his feelings. You didn't listen to him at all, and you assumed that you knew better than he did about what he wanted. You have no right to be upset with him. Just accept that he doesn't want to celebrate the same way as you do. And that's ok, you can still have parties without him.

Twilightstarbright · 26/08/2025 11:02

@loonyloo I agree with @User5432154321 I’m a twin too.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 26/08/2025 11:06

I do think this is tricky as you would obviously want his a guest anyway and it’s birthday too so you need to acknowledge your that. You are being unreasonable but being a twin makes you this a unique problem…

FreezeDriedStrawberries · 26/08/2025 11:10

I'm a twin, and I get it. I don't think you were selfish, and I understand that you were trying to do a nice thing for your brother

How is it a nice thing though if the person has told you that they didn't want it and they wouldn't be there?!
Then to get upset and embarrassed when you don't turn up??
It's literally being the opposite of nice as it's completely not listening to the person and going ahead and doing what you want instead.
Taking away their chance to have a nice birthday day of their choice.

BunnyLake · 26/08/2025 11:12

Is he the older, more mature twin?

Your friend sounds like she knows you well. What an odd thing for you to do, I wouldn't have turned up either if I’d made it clear I didn’t want the party.

He didn't let you down, you let him down. You’re forty, high time to you grew up.

snowmichael · 26/08/2025 11:14

loonyloo · 25/08/2025 22:18

I think you're all being a bit harsh on me. I didn't expect everyone to agree but hardly anyone is seeing this from my point of view. I wanted my brother to have a nice birthday. He can be a bit unsociable at times so needs to be encouraged to come to events and stuff but he always enjoys himself once he's there. I thought it'd be like his 21st where he ended up enjoying it.

Even if I did the wrong thing I don't think I was selfish and I think my friend was really horrible about it.

No one is going to see this from your selfish inconsiderate point of view, no

Were I your brother, the phrase I would have used would be "What part of 'No' didn't you understand?"

How would you feel if someone ignored your wishes and tried to force you to do something you were not happy with?

snowmichael · 26/08/2025 11:16

loonyloo · 25/08/2025 22:20

Actually I invited quite a lot of his friends too. That's why I was so embarrassed, they were there for him, not me and he didn't bother to show up. I went to a lot of effort for the party

Show quote history

> I went to a lot of effort for the party

You went to a lot of effort to humiliate and embarrass yourself, and show how controlling you are, didn't you?

Why did you think he would show up, when he unequivocally told you he would not?

Rosiecidar · 26/08/2025 11:17

I am being honest here, when I read your post I thought that you might have changed your age to preserve anonymity ...
You've asked for views and prefaced it by saying you're a kind person which in itself is a little unusual, perhaps it's more that you try to be kind.
I have a close friend in the same friendship group and we have the same birthday, we don't attend each other's birthday events because it's awkward for us and our friends.

snowmichael · 26/08/2025 11:18

loonyloo · 25/08/2025 22:34

No, it's a different friend. I don't think that situation is at all relevant to this one so I'm not sure why you're dragging it up

Edited
Show quote history

So TWO of your friends, three years apart, and your brother have told or shown you that you're controlling and unreasonable

How many more are required before it sinks in?

Trendyname · 26/08/2025 11:21

pam290358 · 26/08/2025 07:53

Not to mention her brothers’ friendships with people who are now wondering why he seemingly snubbed them after they had made the effort for him. If OP is such a kind person how is she going to put that right, given that DB had already told her he wasn’t going to attend before she even invited them ?!!

Show quote history

That’s a very good point. Op did a great job making his brother look rude to his friends. Yes, it was not intentional but op didn’t think how this will impact his friendships considering he already said no to the party and didn’t have a say in inviting the friends.
The only option op left him to not look rude was to do something he didn’t want to do on his birthday. Way to celebrate brother’s 40th birthday.
All we are seeing is OP’s intentions, op thinks she is kind. Is it an image thing that op feels so strongly about forcing charitable things on her sibling and friends to fulfil her need to come across as a kind person?

Also when people say intentions are good. What does it mean? If I insist on making you do something even if you don’t want to, saying you will enjoy it, why my actions are seen as good intentions versus actions of someone who lacks patience to hear others and thinks she knows better. The flaw is in my thinking you will enjoy it when you said you won’t, and that’s because I refused to hear you, so how this repeated behaviour between two people is understood as due to good intentions rather than unwillingness to hear due to lack of respect for others opinions, wishes .

snowmichael · 26/08/2025 11:21

loonyloo · 25/08/2025 23:05

I don't think people are getting this. I did something that I genuinely thought was the right thing, and I genuinely thought my brother would come and enjoy the evening. I see now that I was wrong. But I don't think I was being selfish because my intentions were good. And my friend was rude.

The older thread was very different - it was a serious situation where emotion got the better of me. I was grieving, and reacted too strongly to something that felt similar but wasn't. Posters on that thread were mostly very kind and helped me see that I'd reacted badly. It was very different to bring told I'm a terrible person for organising a birthday party

> I did something that I genuinely thought was the right thing
Despite being clearly told by your brother it was not

> I genuinely thought my brother would come
Despite being clearly told by your brother he would not come

> I don't think I was being selfish
Of course not, because you wouldn't have done it if you'd realised it was selfish
You seem to be unaware that other people's opinions and wishes matter as much as yours, rather than being aware and trampling over them

> my friend was rude
Your friend was honest, not rude

BunnyLake · 26/08/2025 11:23

loonyloo · 25/08/2025 22:18

I think you're all being a bit harsh on me. I didn't expect everyone to agree but hardly anyone is seeing this from my point of view. I wanted my brother to have a nice birthday. He can be a bit unsociable at times so needs to be encouraged to come to events and stuff but he always enjoys himself once he's there. I thought it'd be like his 21st where he ended up enjoying it.

Even if I did the wrong thing I don't think I was selfish and I think my friend was really horrible about it.

Oh dear you really don’t get it do you?

You sound so very overbearing and insufferable with your need to call the shots and tell people what they ought to be doing and how they ought to be feeling.

Are you like this with your husband and kids?

SirBasil · 26/08/2025 11:24

loonyloo · 25/08/2025 23:05

I don't think people are getting this. I did something that I genuinely thought was the right thing, and I genuinely thought my brother would come and enjoy the evening. I see now that I was wrong. But I don't think I was being selfish because my intentions were good. And my friend was rude.

The older thread was very different - it was a serious situation where emotion got the better of me. I was grieving, and reacted too strongly to something that felt similar but wasn't. Posters on that thread were mostly very kind and helped me see that I'd reacted badly. It was very different to bring told I'm a terrible person for organising a birthday party

you are 40. Listen to your twin when he says: I don'T want a party.

I wanted my brother to have a nice birthday.

so did he. without a party. YWBVVVU

snowmichael · 26/08/2025 11:24

loonyloo · 25/08/2025 23:36

We'd been talking about a hobby of mine. My friend seemed interested so I invited her along next time I go. She declined. I tried to gently encourage her. I think it would be good for her mental health and and she had been asking questions it seemed like she was really interested but might've needed some encouragement to help her get over her reservations (but I didn't say I thought it'd be good for her). We had a bit of back and forth and she blew up at me saying I was trying to force her and compared it to the party

Show quote history

> She declined. I tried to gently encourage her.
Pattern recognition is really not your thing, is it?

Did you 'gently encourage' her in the same way you 'gently encouraged' your brother to come to your party? I.e. ignored her wishes and assumed she would do as you wanted?

weirdoboelady · 26/08/2025 11:24

I've read all OP's posts but not all replies.

But bugger me, what a mean lot of replies being mean to the OP! Her twin has form for saying he'll not attend a big party and then going (21st) so it was perfectly reasonable to not take his word on non-attendance as gospel. He sounds a bit of an arse, to be fair - in my opinion he would BU just not to attend his sister's birthday party, and doubly so if it involves him as well.

I do wonder why the long term friend had such damning comments, though - it would give me pause for thought, for sure. Was she just having a really bad day or is there any truth in this?

Anyway, I did wonder if it would be worth writing to attendees to thank them for coming, and to explain that DB (DT?) had said he wasn't coming, but there was a misunderstanding since he had said the same for the big celebration on his 21st.....

Trendyname · 26/08/2025 11:26

Twilightstarbright · 26/08/2025 11:02

@loonyloo I agree with @User5432154321 I’m a twin too.

So brother is at fault for not turning up despite wanting to have a peaceful, relaxing day for himself on his 40th?

I didn’t realise being twins mean you are not allowed individuality.

ilovepixie · 26/08/2025 11:26

Of course it’s fine to have your own party, doesn’t matter what age you are. You may be twins but you’re still 2 individual people.

DriveMeCrazy1974 · 26/08/2025 11:28

loonyloo · 25/08/2025 23:36

We'd been talking about a hobby of mine. My friend seemed interested so I invited her along next time I go. She declined. I tried to gently encourage her. I think it would be good for her mental health and and she had been asking questions it seemed like she was really interested but might've needed some encouragement to help her get over her reservations (but I didn't say I thought it'd be good for her). We had a bit of back and forth and she blew up at me saying I was trying to force her and compared it to the party

Show quote history

You do seem to think that you know what is best for everybody else! Your friend didn't want to go to your hobby, so you tried to 'gently encourage her'. Your brother didn't want a party, but you held one anyway and are now getting annoyed that he didn't show up, even though he said that was exactly what would happen.
Why do you seem to think you have the right to dictate what others do? Both of these issues could have been avoided if you just listened to your close friend and your brother in the first place!

FreezeDriedStrawberries · 26/08/2025 11:28

Why did you think he would show up, when he unequivocally told you he would not?

This
It sounds like OP thought he'd turn up as she's done this sort of thing before and railroaded him into stuff and he's ended up giving in. (See the other birthday when she pulled the same stunt for starters)
This time he's thought "enough" and said no.
OP thought "ah I'll do it anyway, he'll come round" and got surprised/taken the hump at his finding his voice and boundaries.

Trendyname · 26/08/2025 11:29

weirdoboelady · 26/08/2025 11:24

I've read all OP's posts but not all replies.

But bugger me, what a mean lot of replies being mean to the OP! Her twin has form for saying he'll not attend a big party and then going (21st) so it was perfectly reasonable to not take his word on non-attendance as gospel. He sounds a bit of an arse, to be fair - in my opinion he would BU just not to attend his sister's birthday party, and doubly so if it involves him as well.

I do wonder why the long term friend had such damning comments, though - it would give me pause for thought, for sure. Was she just having a really bad day or is there any truth in this?

Anyway, I did wonder if it would be worth writing to attendees to thank them for coming, and to explain that DB (DT?) had said he wasn't coming, but there was a misunderstanding since he had said the same for the big celebration on his 21st.....

So brother was wrong to not show up even if he didn’t want to. Brother doesn’t have a form just because he forced himself to turn up on 21st, maybe he obliged. Now 20 years later after several pushy behaviours by op, he doesn’t want to.

He clearly said he didn’t want a party and op didn’t respect his wishes. On top invited his friends, who most likely don’t know that he never wanted a party and think he is rude.

BunnyLake · 26/08/2025 11:29

No is a complete sentence remember, for those criticising the brother!

HelpMeUnpickThis · 26/08/2025 11:30

weirdoboelady · 26/08/2025 11:24

I've read all OP's posts but not all replies.

But bugger me, what a mean lot of replies being mean to the OP! Her twin has form for saying he'll not attend a big party and then going (21st) so it was perfectly reasonable to not take his word on non-attendance as gospel. He sounds a bit of an arse, to be fair - in my opinion he would BU just not to attend his sister's birthday party, and doubly so if it involves him as well.

I do wonder why the long term friend had such damning comments, though - it would give me pause for thought, for sure. Was she just having a really bad day or is there any truth in this?

Anyway, I did wonder if it would be worth writing to attendees to thank them for coming, and to explain that DB (DT?) had said he wasn't coming, but there was a misunderstanding since he had said the same for the big celebration on his 21st.....

@weirdoboelady

The brother was 21 at that time.

He is now a married 40 year old adult. He is allowed to make his own choices and he is absolutely NOT an arse - he said he didnt want a party from the very beginning!!!!!

WTF?

DriveMeCrazy1974 · 26/08/2025 11:30

weirdoboelady · 26/08/2025 11:24

I've read all OP's posts but not all replies.

But bugger me, what a mean lot of replies being mean to the OP! Her twin has form for saying he'll not attend a big party and then going (21st) so it was perfectly reasonable to not take his word on non-attendance as gospel. He sounds a bit of an arse, to be fair - in my opinion he would BU just not to attend his sister's birthday party, and doubly so if it involves him as well.

I do wonder why the long term friend had such damning comments, though - it would give me pause for thought, for sure. Was she just having a really bad day or is there any truth in this?

Anyway, I did wonder if it would be worth writing to attendees to thank them for coming, and to explain that DB (DT?) had said he wasn't coming, but there was a misunderstanding since he had said the same for the big celebration on his 21st.....

He went to one party nearly 20 years ago and now has to go to any others that are organised for him, even when he's stated very firmly that he wouldn't go to it?! That's mad if you really think that's what should have happened! He clearly didn't want a party, didn't want to attend a party, told his twin that he wouldn't be attending and she's still shocked that he didn't? So much wrong with this that it's hard to even comprehend why she would think he'd ever be happy with her arranging the party in the first place.
She doesn't get to decide what is best for her brother!

Chicaontour · 26/08/2025 11:31

weirdoboelady · 26/08/2025 11:24

I've read all OP's posts but not all replies.

But bugger me, what a mean lot of replies being mean to the OP! Her twin has form for saying he'll not attend a big party and then going (21st) so it was perfectly reasonable to not take his word on non-attendance as gospel. He sounds a bit of an arse, to be fair - in my opinion he would BU just not to attend his sister's birthday party, and doubly so if it involves him as well.

I do wonder why the long term friend had such damning comments, though - it would give me pause for thought, for sure. Was she just having a really bad day or is there any truth in this?

Anyway, I did wonder if it would be worth writing to attendees to thank them for coming, and to explain that DB (DT?) had said he wasn't coming, but there was a misunderstanding since he had said the same for the big celebration on his 21st.....

Having form and an isolated incident 19 years ago isnt the same thing.

Do you know who does have form for arrogantly ignoring peoples wishes ... in her own words. The OP.

  1. 21st
  2. incident 3 years ago
  3. friend and the social event
  4. 40th birthday.

Trying to be kind, you have good intentions but you have convinced yourself you know better than the people you are dealing with. That's what makes it arrogant and over bearing