To have organised a 40th birthday party for me and my twin?

[loonyloo]

I've just had an argument with my lifelong friend about this.

I have a twin brother. We turned 40 a couple of weeks ago. I wanted a big party as it's a big milestone. I don't think that's unusual. I told my brother a few months ago that I wanted the party. He said that he didn't want a big fuss and wouldn't come.

I went ahead and organised one. His wife knew and said he'd come. The party came and he didn't show up. I'd assumed he would despite what he'd said. I was really embarrassed in front of all our extended family and friends and upset that he'd let me down. I really thought he'd come. He'd said he hadn't wanted a 21st either but I did, so my mum organised a big party for us. He was a bit grumpy about it, but he did come and enjoyed himself in the end.

I'd told my friend how upset I was about it but she didn't say very much. She can be like that though, she's a bit unfeeling. I saw her on Friday and we ended up having a disagreement about something else that escalated and the subject of the party came up. She said that I was in the wrong for throwing a party for me and my brother. She said if I wanted a party I should've thrown one for myself and not told everyone it was for both of us. She said it was an example of me "always, always having to have things your own fucking way" and that I was selfish.

I'm really upset. I don't think it's selfish of me to want to have a party and I don't see why I shouldn't have one just because my brother doesn't want one. I can't have one just for myself, everyone knows we're twins and it would look weird for me to have a birthday party without him. My friend was really rude today and needs to watch her temper. I'm a really kind person and I think it's not too much to ask for others to put themselves out for me sometimes, but I've been thinking about what my friend said and now I'm worried other people think I was selfish about the party.

Yes, the wife spoke for him. He TOLD her he didn't want a party, and that he wouldn't be there.
Yet even now his wife is speaking for him as well?!
No wonder he's pissed off, none of them understand the word no 😁

If ever you are one of those people that others say, ‘they mean well’, you know they actually think you’re an interfering busybody/know all.

Exactly, at 21 you sometimes feel you have to do stuff, or that you can't say no.
By the time you get to your 40s you think "enough" and start to not give a shit and stand up for yourself more 😁

I get being a twin is special and different yadayada, but you’re 40 years old!! Nobody is going to be expecting you to go the same party. Many people that age live in completely different cities or even countries to their siblings, and surely you have your own sets of friends etc?

The outside world doesn’t care that you have a twin nearly as much as you do, and certainly wouldn't “expect” you to be celebrating together. Maybe at 14, but certainly not at 40. Planning him a party after he said he didn’t want one was pretty out of order and you’ve no right to be upset he didn’t attend. Possibly an apology is in order, depending on how your relationship usually works.

Good point about inviting his friends to a party he didn't want and wasn't coming to as well, they'll be wondering why he didn't turn up when they came to see him.
I'd be feeling so pissed off I was your brother

I'm really upset. I don't think it's selfish of me to want to have a party and I don't see why I shouldn't have one just because my brother doesn't want one.

Nobody said you couldn't have one.

I can't have one just for myself, everyone knows we're twins and it would look weird for me to have a birthday party without him.

So you COULD have one, but you want one on YOUR terms.

Hate to break it to you, but your twin's wishes are AS IMPORTANT as yours.

You got the 21st. You should've left him the feck alone AS HE REQUESTED for the 40th.

You are not conjoined.

My friend was really rude today and needs to watch her temper. I'm a really kind person and I think it's not too much to ask for others to put themselves out for me sometimes, but I've been thinking about what my friend said and now I'm worried other people think I was selfish about the party.

All a bit ME, ME, ME isn't it? You've made your shared birthday about you, the party about you and now you wan to make the aftermath about you.

Exhausting.

From your posts, it sounds like your friend is absolutely correct.

You should be worried other will think the same thing - we all are!

BIG SHOUT OUT TO THE BROTHER FOR PUTTING HIS FOOT DOWN. I'm betting he's been through quite the ringer with you over the years. Well done, him.

The 'Twin;' thing is irrelevant. You didn't respect his boundaries and are worried about losing face. He did not consent to a party and his wife does not have the right to consent to a party on his behalf.

You didn't do a good thing, You did what you wanted and expected your brother to fall in line on what was his birthday too. He has a right to choose how he celebrates.

Your friend is right, you are selfish and controlling.

I think your friend is spot on to notice the parallels. You have strong opinions on what is best for people that you love and you insisted on riding roughshod over their very clearly expressed refusals. This is nothing to do with the psychology of being a twin and everything to do with you thinking that you know better than them.

Forty is plenty old enough to have learned that having good intentions doesn’t give you a free pass to ignore others’ wishes, and that you are still responsible for the consequences of your actions even if your intentions were honourable. My seven-year-old has grasped this.

I'm keeping out of it but as far as I know it's been cancelled and MIL in the huff because of it.
Piece of nonsense if you ask me. He said no and she should have respected that.
Thank you, he is doing nothing but that's what he wants. No fuss, just another day. I do hope we have cake though, lol, I love birthday cake! xx

Please listen to all the replies OP explaining why you are being unreasonable, despite you yourself thinking you are doing the right thing. You need to change your mindset, which is a very difficult thing to do. You are not being intentionally selfish, but from the point of view of the other person in these scenarios this is the net effect of your actions. I had someone in my life who had a mindset like yours and we are now NC, which is really sad, as they are a lovely person in many ways.

Sorry but this is so ridiculous.
Just because someone changes their mind and attends something, doesn’t mean that they wanted to.In this case, it seems quite likely that he felt somewhat pushed into attending his 21st.
He is a grown man. He said No. Why on earth would anyone think that he should do anything different?
As for writing to people to explain that he changed his mind about a party 19 years ago!!! Why would anyone want to humiliate the poor man any further? There was no misunderstanding. He said No. He is an adult man of 40!!! It’s really very clear.

So you invited your friend to come to your hobby, she declined and then you continued to badger her, to the point she blew up at you?
You asked your brother about a joint party, he declined and you went ahead an organised a joint party anyway?

Yeah, you're the problem here OP.

I would be taking to the hills. I dumped a friend last year because she was so bossy and decided what was good for me. I am an intelligent human being and can decide for myself what I want and don't want. Why do you assume you know better for other people? Perhaps you could have invited your brother to your party and left it up to him to decide if he wanted to come or not.

Re the "twin thing"
Is that what makes her act the same way with her friends as she's described in this and her last post then?

Maybe this is not about being a twin. Maybe it's her.

You had good intentions and your friend had no right to get angry about this with you as frankly it should be none of her business……

I have read all of your posts and some of the replies.

I think that you might have good intentions but you are very poor at reading the room and accepting what others are actually telling you.

Firstly, your brother doesn't seem as keen on parties or being the centre of attention as you. He couldn't have been clearer when he said that he didn't want one and wouldn't be coming but you bulldozed on ahead anyway and seem surprised when he stuck to his guns. You could have said that the party was for you because you wanted one. You could have shown him some understanding by having a separate, quieter celebration with him (and then only if he really wanted it). Perhaps you are into the overt and big celebrations but he prefers much more low key. Both are fine and you shouldn't be trying to make him into someone or something he isn't and is totally uncomfortable with.

I believe your Dad, friend and older brother seem to have much more of the measure of this situation than you do. You seem to think that you can plough on and force people to enjoy themselves your way whatever they say and feel. You can't, and this time your twin brother has pushed back. Hard.

Secondly, your friend. She was probably making polite conversation about your hobby. She was superficially interested but didn't really want to come along and take part. You ploughed on anyway, didn't read the room again and finally pushed her too far so she snapped and it escalated.

I'm afraid that hard though it was to hear, your friend probably told you some home truths about the way you come across to others. She didn't want to come to whatever hobby you have and said so but you wouldn't take no for an answer. The subject of your brother and the party then also came up and she pointed out that you also hadn't listened to him and had refused to hear the word no from him too.

You don't like any of us who are saying this to you, but she did have a fair point.

OP it sounds as though you are not very good at listening/accepting (or respecting?) other people's points of view and maybe have form for overstepping boundaries?

You should not be angry with your brother IMO - he was very clear with you right from the start.

You sound so unreasonable this must be a reverse?? Your brother couldn’t have been any more clear he didn’t want a party. There was absolutely nothing stopping you throwing your own party, however instead you decided to completely ignore his wishes. Even though the details of the disagreement with your friend have not been included, I would be inclined to bet they include you disregarding the views other people have expressed and ploughing ahead with what you want to do regardless

OP, you seem to be setting out to do nice things for your brother and friend, in your head.

But you are missing a big boundary: the difference between suggesting something that someone MIGHT like or MIGHT be good for them, in your opinion, and insisting or trying to manoeuvre them into it.

Kindness is about wanting something good for others. You seem to be OK with this.

Empathy is about understanding that offer from the other person's point of view. Support is about offering something that you think might be of help. Respect is about understanding the person's response from their own point of view and understanding that it may differ from yours and accepting that.

You are failing to recognise any of the boundaries where your intent ceases and your brother's / friend's autonomy begins.

It is sad and upsetting that two of your important relationships have run unto trouble - i truly think you would be happier if you could reflect on what I have said here.

I wish you well.

This.

I'm sure your intentions weren't unkind but kindness isn't trying to force people into doing things YOU think they should do.

'everyone knows we're twins and it would look weird for me to have a birthday party without him.'
I am a twin I endured a 21st do enforced by my twin and believe me the event was all about her.
There has not been a repeat of this and never will be. I am an identical twin but am also very much an individual. I love my twin but have made myself very clear on the subject of joint celebrations.
She finds this hard to accept.

I love your use of the term "encouragement" OP. It's your way of making the fact that you think you know best and try to bulldoze people to do what you say, sound a bit nicer.

I'm a twin and think you have been selfish. He clearly said he didn't want a party and you organised one anyway. Fair enough organise one for yourself and invite him but your wishes don't trump his!

It is interesting that your second post in the 2020 thread and your second post in this thread are almost identical @loonyloo.

You have obviously not learned anything from the 2020 thread, you are so wrapped up in yourself and your own self righteousness that you can't or won't take anything on board that contradicts your view.

I doubt if what I am about to type will filter through but here goes:

How conversation with brother about 40th Birthday Party should have gone:

YOU: Hey brother it's our 40th this year, I'd like a big party would you like it to be a joint one for the two of us?

BROTHER: No, I do not want a party joint or otherwise, but you carry on with yours.

YOU: Okay, no problem I'll crack on organising mine.

End of conversation.

How conversation with friend about hobby should have gone:

FRIEND: Your hobby sounds interesting tell me about it.

YOU: Tell friend about hobby and then say If you are interested I could arrange for you to come along with me.

FRIEND: Thanks for the offer but no thanks.

YOU: No worries, the offer stands if you should change your mind.

End of conversation.

The party he made it crystal clear he didn't want anything to do with!!

You are a seriously unreasonable person. I'm not sure why you posted here when you obviously don't want to take on board what pretty much everyone here, plus your friend have to say.