BBQ hosting etiquette

[Pandersmum]

AIBU.
BBQ for 10 (4 couples plus us) of ‘hobby group’ friends in being p’d off that having asked guests to ‘bring what you like to drink’ after spending £150 on nice butchers bbq stuff and homemade salads, sides, nibbles and desserts, we are left with 4 bottles of exceptionally cheap rose (think Aldi lowest price wine) and no leftovers, most having 2nds and 3rds as the ‘food was so good’! They also drank through 6 bottles of DH good Sauvignon blanc!
We would normally go out to dinner with them and spend £100-150 per couple - they are not struggling financially! 1 couple did bring chocolates and a bunch of flowers. 3 other couples just bought cheap wine and beer which was also drunk.

AIBU if told food provided, and being asked ‘just bring something to drink’, you should drink what you bring!

Also clearly lots of MN’ers who think it’s OK to rock up and consume everything you can because it’s ‘offered’ with absolutely no obligation or thought to the fact the host may just be being polite.

OP, these people didn't show up at your house uninvited or unexpected rifling through your fridge, asking for wine top ups and putting you in this awkward position of not wanting to say no. You asked them to come and planned to offer them all of this food and drink.

I don't understand why you wanted people to treat your unprompted, premeditated statements of generosity as disingenuous (though apparently they were). I'm fairly horrified by the idea of my friends thinking of me "oh when she offers you something she's just pretending to be generous and if you accept then she'll resent you and think you're greedy".

"Also clearly lots of MN’ers who think it’s OK to rock up and consume everything you can because it’s ‘offered’ with absolutely no obligation or thought to the fact the host may just be being polite."

I could see your point before this. 🙄
You put food out that you are offering to be eaten.
Any food you want for later for your family gets put aside and you could just say, I'm putti g a plate together for DS etc for when they get home. But, bad hosts don't offer enough food. Bad hosts are those who are not generous with what they have. There is absolutely nothing wrong with asking guests to bring something either, btw.
Please bring a couple of bottles for the table everyone.
Could John and Nancy bring salads and Stella and James dessert?
It's so easy!

I do find it odd that you were surprised that people ate all the food you offered! That’s great isn’t it that they were having a fab time and were really enjoying your food!!

cheap wine is a bit naff but I wouldn’t have accessible wine I didn’t want people to drink.

The next time you hold an event..buy cheap wine.
The next time any of your group hold an event ..take cheap wine plus a nice bottle for yourself

Oh god, you still don’t get it. I’m out.

Genuinely OP - how do your guests know what to eat or not to eat. If food is ‘offered’ they’ll eat until they are full. How do they know they are not to eat all the food on offer?

What’s this ‘rock up’. You invited them to a BBQ. They ate the food and drink you provided and had a great time. But you are now cross with them…

I agree with those who said should should have made a plate up from DC and kept it separately.

The issue is also with your DH pouring out wine, your poor guests are probably wondering where their nice summery rose ended up! If you want people drinking their own drinks you need to keep them accessible. I'd also probably take the approach of having a glass of what's open, and then expecting my bottle to be open and shared afterwards rather than a party having 6 different bottles on the go.

What was the offerings op. I’m just intrigued here.

Had you planned on basically well 10 people so let’s get 15 burgers because that’s one each plus a couple for the children and some spares or did you just go for exact number of each item.

We always do a pulled pork joint and a chicken. So people can have that in rolls as well or within salad rather than just hot dogs, burgers and kebobs.

I have a friend who when they host you wouldn’t catch them putting a sausage or burger on their grill it’s purely joints of meats and steaks, another who does burgers and sausages but never any cheese but you get the choice of 10 different types of subs/rolls/wraps for it.

Oh what a surprise...another AIBU post that when the majority think they are BU have a big flounce and were actually just looking for validation...

If you're topping up wine with the stuff you don't want them to drink, how on earth do you expect them to magically drink the other stuff?! They're hardly going to decline and go and grab their other bottle? Perhaps they actually wanted to drink their rose but have more social etiquette than you do?

If there were no leftovers you absolutely did not cook plenty of food - at best it "went round nicely" and worst case people actually would have liked more.

£150 is not a big budget for 10ppl with today's cost of living - especially not nice butchers stuff as you claim. A family BBQ of nice butchers stuff would cost £150+.

Clearly you don't get it, and don't want to get it. "So be it" 😂

You think OP spent £150 on 15 burgers?

I'm still super confused about offering people food you didn't want them to have. That's surely a super odd thing to do?

Agree with previous. You should have withheld your expensive wine. Bring shit.. drink shit was the expectation. More fool you. And feel proud your food was so delicious.

It sounds like they stayed the whole day so had more than one meal. Op likely expected them to stay just for lunch.

I don't see that... she invited them for dinner and they ate 2nd and 3rd helpings (that she offered them) and drank a few bottles of wine? Doesn't sound like a multiple meal extravaganza?

Sorry, not lunch then. She says they stayed too long.

No not on only 15 burgers.

But the butches soon adds up and if she decided to buy things like the rolls and stuff from the butches they will also be quite costly as I know in ours they work with a baker.

You won’t be getting your 12 warburtons for £1.50 you’ll be paying £3/4 for a pack of 4 rolls. Ours also sell big tray desserts and your charcoal.

If the burgers were the fresh nice ones £2 each 15 is already £30 of the £150, two 10 packs of sausages at £10 each. Thats £50 spent out of £150. Small trays of marinated pork belly or chops can easily be £10 each and you’d need 3 packs to do 10 people if everyone had one item. Now you’ve spent £80 and everyone gets a sausage, a burger and a chop. Add in a bit of pork belly each and you’ve spent £110. Still no rolls, salad, cheese, desserts, sides whatever. Again butchers prices.

If she went to Aldi and did £150 op should have had mountains of meat left over. But the butchers higher quality so a much higher price.

OP said £150 was only the meat. That is plenty of food for 10 people.

I mean I went to a bbq recently and it was the other way around. I took a nice bottle of bubbly that I wanted to drink with my friends but I ended up drinking her lovely rose. I was a bit disappointed but then I thought it's nice to leave that for her as she hosted an incredible day. I usually have 2 nice bottles of rose in the fridge to open and share but then my friends all drink similar so we all take similar to events. We've had things like Prosecco left behind before and we don't drink it so it sits on the rack for future guests or is gifted. It's not a big deal. You don't just if you don't want people to eat and drink and enjoy themselves.

I'm still bemused by OP now painting it like these people turned up unexpectedly and stared at her until she offered them food out of some awkward politeness and then she watched on in horror as they ate everything.

You want people to leave? Stop serving food and drink (but be prepared to then be considered a bad host)

£150 in the butchers for meat really isn't going to go far. Especially when some of the food had been unofficially earmarked as for people not there. At a BBQ I'd probably work on 2 burgers, 2 hot dogs and then a steak or similar per person. Some will eat less, some more and it'll balance itself out. But it's a BBQ so I wouldn't be expecting "turn up at 6, food will be ready at 7, leave at 8:30 after eating the allocated amount". You expect it to go on, conversation and drink to flow, food cooking for a while, seconds and thirds of sides that you pick at, grabbing dessert at 9/10 and then maybe grabbing a bit more before you leave. A BBQ is a relaxed social affair. Sounds like OP would have been much better hosting a dinner party where the portions are much more controlled, people don't help themselves to drink and there's more of an expectation to leave once the meal is served and finished (unless you invite them into the sitting room for a drink after)

Thanks all for the comments. Some are really quite an eye opener for me.
I’m not flouncing off as a PP have said, but will leave this thread now. Clearly I am not cut out for entertaining in todays world for people who are not family or close friends.

We like the people and we all had fun - they would all like to do it again. We were generous hosts (despite many posters telling me otherwise). But it’s actually not just about the money - it’s the time and effort that go into prepping, cooking and cleaning up for guests and being left with bottles of £3.99 wine that we won’t drink. I guess I just wouldn’t do that, but that’s me.

As I said no big deal, and we’ll go back to eating in restaurants in the future.

Exactly this. Interesting that OP hasn't said what food she actually got for £150..
Most people eat a lot more at a barbeque as they graze / go back for seconds and thirds as more food is cooked. We were at a barbeque over the weekend where several men ate 3 burgers each, plus a couple of sausages and other bits, over the course of the few hours food was being cooked. Nobody batted an eyelid at this as there was plenty of food and it was expected.

Whenever I’ve hosted (big party or smaller gathering) I’ve made sure there’s more than enough food/booze irrespective of what guests also bring. I r sent people home with their unopened Bathtub gin! It sounds like you might have undercatered on the food slightly if everything went. BBQ’s are grazing occasions so normal for people to have more than one serving. £15 per head if it included steak or lamb isn’t really a lot.

I confess I haven't read the full thread. But I haven't been to a party where guests expected to (or were expected to) drink only the drinks they brought themselves since I was a student over 20 years ago. I remember being at house parties with teenage boys standing around clutching their own bottle of wine to make sure no-one else drank any.

Anyway, I am happy to drink cheap rose at a barbecue, so if instructed to bring the thing I would like to drink, I might well do that. But if there are four bottles left and they are all cheap rose from Aldi, they were probably brought by the same person, who probably did expect to drink them until offered a top-up from DH's wine, and will still have spent at least £20. If the instruction had been to 'bring a bottle', I'd have spent the whole £20 on a nice bottle of wine for the hosts/the party.

If I were at a party and someone offered to fill up my glass I would think it was rude to say 'no thank you, I would prefer to drink the bottle I brought myself'. It would not occur to me that I wasn't supposed to drink the wine the host was offering me.

There's more hosts that are annoyed at left over food, than who expected left overs. The norm is to use everything on offer, if something isn't on offer, it's put away. Your DH offered wine, so it was accepted. The communication should have happened when offering to host. It should have been complete BYO. If people wasn't going to reciprocate, then a kitty should have been done. The beauty of meeting up is that it's easy, hosting isn't, or rather getting the house ready isn't. Likewise if you have to turn up with flowers/presents, it's an extra thing to do. They should really cover your next meal. Lidl cheap rosé is low alcohol and ok to sip at a BBQ.

I’ll bet if OP showed us the actual rose from Aldi we’d be able to tell her that it’s actually pretty decent. She’s just being a snob because it’s from Aldi and DH offered up all the savvy b that was happened to be so conveniently chilling in the fridge.