BBQ hosting etiquette

[Pandersmum]

AIBU.
BBQ for 10 (4 couples plus us) of ‘hobby group’ friends in being p’d off that having asked guests to ‘bring what you like to drink’ after spending £150 on nice butchers bbq stuff and homemade salads, sides, nibbles and desserts, we are left with 4 bottles of exceptionally cheap rose (think Aldi lowest price wine) and no leftovers, most having 2nds and 3rds as the ‘food was so good’! They also drank through 6 bottles of DH good Sauvignon blanc!
We would normally go out to dinner with them and spend £100-150 per couple - they are not struggling financially! 1 couple did bring chocolates and a bunch of flowers. 3 other couples just bought cheap wine and beer which was also drunk.

AIBU if told food provided, and being asked ‘just bring something to drink’, you should drink what you bring!

I would be pleased all the food was popular and eaten up-as a host, that's a good thing!

Taking cheap crap wine to a BBQ is rubbish, but if I'd specifically told people to bring what they wanted to drink, then I would have put that out for them to drink. Otherwise what's the point in saying it.

I think your friends are appalling. In a similar situation when we are guests we bring at least two bottles of good wine and either drink that or what the host offers . My friends would do similar. Bringing cheap plonk when someone has gone to the trouble of hosting is just awful.

They have already asked when the next one is.

Surely you said, 'oh yes, lovely-whose turn is it next?'

It sounds like you need to work on your communication skills and seeing those through, when it comes to friendship groups.

1. Ask them to bring what they want to drink and then put those in a trug of ice with the glasses.

1. When people say 'when's the next BBQ?' make it clear you'd love to come and find out who will be hosting.

I've never shopped in Aldi, but if I can get rose at £3.99 a bottle then I might start

I buy rose in Aldi but it's not that cheap - but I live in Scotland so I think the minimum unit pricing might be bumping the price up. I used to live in France so I think rose is meant to be cheap and you are meant to glug it all summer. I always feel a bit cross at how expensive it is here.

The ideal price point of Aldi wine is the light blush one at £5.99, I can’t remember what it’s called. But it’s insanely drinkable. The PP is right, you’re not supposed to spend much on rose, you don’t want to hang on to it, it’s to be imbibed during the summer and it’s really not something you need to take a lot of care over choosing like you might over a decent red or white.if I was invited to a BBQ on a sunny day then that’s what I’d be bringing. If the host thought it was crap I’d just assume they were a clueless snob about wine.

So the crux of the matter is that they brought cheap wine? So what if you’ve been left with it! Chuck it out if you don’t want it.

You basically think because you went to a lot of trouble they should have brought nicer wine? Hosting doesn’t work like that.

My close friends bring nice wine and gifts. But we’ve had parties where either nothing was brought or cheaper wine and I don’t bat an eyelid.

This. We are almost always the hosts (I have very tricky food allergies so it is the safest way and my husband loves hosting/cooking) and I can say hand on heart we have never, ever had no leftovers.

Sometimes we gauge it better than others but never, ever absolutely nothing. I feel it’s more likely that you did under cater.

If your friends are reasonably affluent, they’re not going to be counting who drinks what from who. If we are having wine at home, we largely grab it from Aldi (we like it) but I would drink whatever was offered to me and certainly wouldn’t say ‘oh hold up Bob, don’t pour, this bottle isn’t mine!’.

I don’t think you are cut out for hosting. We genuinely enjoy it! Don’t begrudge anyone anything.

But the point is your friends do reciprocate.

OP knows her friends and knows they don’t intend to reciprocate and yet are asking her when the next BBQ is.

and I can say hand on heart we have never, ever had no leftovers.

Maybe OP is a better cook than you 🤷🏻‍♀️

I don’t subject anyone to my cooking!

Yeah but I see that as a separate issue. They should reciprocate and time will tell (doesn’t sound like they will). So that’s a lesson learnt. But getting cross over the cheap wine and them eating everything on
offer is a different issue.

Yes, I agree there is no point in being cross about what’s done.

Did one guest bring all the Rose or was it just a coincidence that each coupe arrived with the same £3.99 bottle?

How do you know they were £3.99? Did you google them?

You’re still missing the point spectacularly, OP. Literally not one of your guests will have done this deliberately or even put much thought to it.

why don’t you just be grateful everyone had a great time?

Maybe OP undercatered

However, everyone has different ideas about what is good and the amount of money they think reasonable for wine. I learned this from a particular group of friend in a sport group. None spent more than $10-$12 on a bottle of wine, attitudes on group gift giving were very cheap (imo), but they were all fun and kind in other ways.

"it’s the time and effort that go into prepping, cooking and cleaning up for guests and being left with bottles of £3.99 wine that we won’t drink"

As other have said, @Pandersmum You Just Don't Get It. 🤦‍♀️

You really seem to want, in your eyes, equal value gifts from you guests.
I would be so uncomfortable going to yours knowing your attitude.
I'd be nervous about having you over to mine as I'd wonder if I measured up or if you'd be mentally calculating my dinner against the wine you brought.

Maybe stay in your very close friend circle with others whose elevated tastes in wine match yours.
FWIW, gracious and kind people don't feel slighted by gifts brought by less sophisticated 🙄 guests.
(that's what you seem to be calling them)

But it’s actually not just about the money - it’s the time and effort that go into prepping, cooking and cleaning up for guests and being left with bottles of £3.99 wine that we won’t drink.

What an odd comment. Surely you host for the company, not for the gifts?

No, you are not a good host. A good host doesn't come to MN to moan about the price of the wine their guests brought, or that the guests enjoyed the food and ate too much.

But it’s actually not just about the money - it’s the time and effort that go into prepping, cooking and cleaning up for guests and being left with bottles of £3.99 wine that we won’t drink.

Yet you have not been able to write any of your posts without mentioning this £3.99 wine. So it would seem that - in your mind - it is about the fact that your friends didn't spend enough to pass your test, or your judgement of them.

As others have said, there is some very nice wine in Aldi. I suspect you haven't even tried it because of your snobbishness, but if you did the blind taste tests that are done by organisations like Which, you'll find there's loads of high quality stuff in Aldi.

Then your other indignation seems to be that people you invited had that actual cheek to eat the lovely food you offered them. I don't know how any of us can explain that in a way you can understand, as so many have tried, and you still seem to be struggling with the concept that guests do tend to eat what hosts offer them unless it is vastly over catered.