BBQ hosting etiquette

[Pandersmum]

AIBU.
BBQ for 10 (4 couples plus us) of ‘hobby group’ friends in being p’d off that having asked guests to ‘bring what you like to drink’ after spending £150 on nice butchers bbq stuff and homemade salads, sides, nibbles and desserts, we are left with 4 bottles of exceptionally cheap rose (think Aldi lowest price wine) and no leftovers, most having 2nds and 3rds as the ‘food was so good’! They also drank through 6 bottles of DH good Sauvignon blanc!
We would normally go out to dinner with them and spend £100-150 per couple - they are not struggling financially! 1 couple did bring chocolates and a bunch of flowers. 3 other couples just bought cheap wine and beer which was also drunk.

AIBU if told food provided, and being asked ‘just bring something to drink’, you should drink what you bring!

@Pandersmum well at least when one of them host you have a nice bottle of rosé to take along... and make sure you starve yourself all day!!

You should always hide good wine at a BBQ unless you intend it to be drunk!

Yeah, I always do too much food and send people away with leftovers. What am I going to do with them?

I always have way more alcohol than needed too. But your husband should have opened their stuff first and offered that around if it wasn't to your taste. I open the 'brought in' wine first, because again, I don't want to be left with wine I don't like. But I'd not begrudge people drinking my wine.

BBQs are very casual and I wouldn't have expected chocolates/flowers etc like for a dinner party.

The idea that you bring your own drink and only drink that is a bit student-y to be honest, as an adult it’s pretty normal that the host gives you wine as it will pair with the meal etc. If the host offered us wine we’d assume we were ok to drink that! I don’t think we’d know enough about wine to automatically know that your DH’s Sauvignon blanc was especially nice or expensive.

I think you under catered.

You may have spent £150 at the butchers but what did that actually get for you £150?

I went to someone's house and took a very good bottle oif wine, and the host said "Oh no! It's not got a screw top, I'll have to go and find a cork screw now." And off he huffed...

I don’t think you’re cut out for hosting.

Its a lesson learned....

I'm 40 now.
By 35 we'd clearly established who were are "reciprocal" friends and who were our "I'm alright jack" / unsocialised ones.

Reciprocal friends We do nice things and when thry host us bring really nice gifts (champagne macaroni, fancy candles).
The others we just meet up outside the home...its not money that causes tgem to be such ingrates it's thoughtlessness and lack of appreciation for your effort.

They’ve probably also brought what they could carry. Did you want them to lug crates of beer so you could be stocked up after?

I agree, all part of hosting. I would expect people to also drink what they brought I guess but I wouldn’t be bitching about them eating the food I cooked for them (possibly not enough if all completely gone?) or drinking the wine your husband literally offered them. Of course people would assume it was there to be drunk given he was offering it around.

Having no food left over wouldn't bother me at all. But maybe lesson learned to hide the good booze!

When I host, I would expect guests to bring alcohol but also provide the majority myself. Anything they bring is a bonus. But most of my friends aren't big drinkers anyway so it isn't really a problem. I agree with PP though about literally hiding anything you don't want to be drunk. We used to know a very boozy couple and we hid wine and spirits in DS's wardrobe when they came round!

I think you are being unreasonable, if we host then we host, provide food, all drinks and make sure people’s drinks are topped up and their belly’s are full. If they bring drinks then it just goes along with the rest of it but I would never expect them to just drink what they brought with them

Definitely student party vibes with the expectation guests will only drink what they brought, coupled with the 1970s dinner party angle of expected hostess gifts and to be left with posh wine.

If you host you feed and provide alcohol for your guests. I can't get my head around the idea that your DH thought he would open a bottle of fancy wine just for himself while you have guests 🤯

I would never host a BBQ without providing at least beer and wine. I would expect most guests to bring a token (although really don’t care if they forget) and if anyone has particular tastes (craft beer, pina coladas etc) I would expect them to bring their own.

I would certainly never berate guests I had invited to my home, for eating the food and drinking the booze they were offered!

I don’t think they’ve done anything wrong. They’d have drank their cheap plonk if your DH hadn’t offered them his. You should have put their wine in the fridge instead of DH’s more expensive stuff. Most people will just pour a glass of what’s open surely, rather than have several white wine’s open? I would anyway. As for eating all the food, assume you should have held some back if you needed to feed others. Generally if you cook the food, guests are going to assume it’s ok to eat.

That’s hosting? £15 per head and 6 bottles of wine between 10 people isn’t much? And didn’t you want them to eat what you’d made?

I think there’s a difference between saying to guests “bring what you like to drink” which can be taken to mean if you want anything obscure then bring it with you but the usual (beer, wine etc) will be provided and saying “we’ll provide the food, can you bring the booze?”

Seriously you didn’t provide enough food if none is left and I would not have offered wine I didn’t want drinking.
i would leave hosting alone and let a more carefree person do it.

Gently, OP was his your first time ever hosting as adults? People only drinking what they bring is something I haven't experienced since uni, so they probably didn't think you actually meant for them to do that.
Whenever we're hosting, anything that isn't intended to be drunk is put away, and we put out buckets with ice for the drinks that are meant to be drunk.
£15pp for good quality butcher barbeque food doesn't seem like it would get you that much food, what did you get? I wouldn't have expected leftovers from that amount personally. If all the food was eaten then it sounds like you slightly undercatered.

Aldi do decent wine even at the cheaper end to be fair. No need to be snobbish about that.

6 bottles between ten people is not a lot. In fact they probably burnt through it as they could see it was going to run out fairly quick.

And butcher meat is great obviously but sadly £15 a head would probably not go far. A pack of chicken thighs alone at our local one is about £12. BBQ’s should be bulked out with slightly cheaper burgers and sausages, people fill up on those, then there’s less of a scramble for the really ‘good’ meat that comes after. That’s how we do it anyway 🤣

I think you’ve just underestimated what it takes to cater to a crowd and how to manage and communicate about what you provide and what you need guests to bring. People often eat a fair bit more at a BBQ (or any long event where you can keep going back for more) than they do at a sit down meal. And if something nice is offered, of course people are going to say yes! They will have thought you were happy for them to do so.

You put on a party and everyone had a good time. I agree with PPs that if all the food was eaten you slightly under catered, but it doesn’t sound like it was miserly so I would think it’s just a sign that everyone loved the food and it was a successful event. Focus on that. To the extent you think about how it didn’t go to plan, treat it as a lesson in what it takes to host so you’re more prepared if you do it again.

Your friends will have had a good time - isn’t that the main thing you were trying to achieve?

I wouldn’t moan about their being no leftovers. Did you expect them to eat one burger or sausage?

You should have opened the wine they brought over but I don’t think you’re suited to hosting if these things are annoying you.

So it looks like I’m not cut out for hosting.

I certainly didn’t spend all day prepping food and tidying the house / garden for gifts. But neither did I particularly want to be left with cheap wine.

If we are invited as guests we would normally take drinks (naice wine) and a floral gifts / chocolate.

We actually provided plenty of food and drinks. 2 of the guests were veggie and 3 were not drinking (including myself). I’m a home cook and so can make tasty BBQ food from vegetables as well as meat.
One issue we had was they didn’t want to go home because everyone was having such a nice time. They have already asked when the next one is. We have said that would be great and would someone else like to host. There are no volunteers yet!

I think when people go to a friend’s house for a meal they usually take a bottle of wine between a couple but in reality they probably drink more than half a bottle each.
We usually take 2 decent bottles.
Unless you are hard up it is very poor form to take cheap wine to a BBQ or dinner. Next time (if there is one) hide your good wine and serve what is bought.
I would be pleased if all the food is eaten up.

I mean it sounds like a success to be honest. I’m really not understanding what there is to moan about.