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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

BBQ hosting etiquette

247 replies

Pandersmum · 25/08/2025 18:01

AIBU.
BBQ for 10 (4 couples plus us) of ‘hobby group’ friends in being p’d off that having asked guests to ‘bring what you like to drink’ after spending £150 on nice butchers bbq stuff and homemade salads, sides, nibbles and desserts, we are left with 4 bottles of exceptionally cheap rose (think Aldi lowest price wine) and no leftovers, most having 2nds and 3rds as the ‘food was so good’! They also drank through 6 bottles of DH good Sauvignon blanc!
We would normally go out to dinner with them and spend £100-150 per couple - they are not struggling financially! 1 couple did bring chocolates and a bunch of flowers. 3 other couples just bought cheap wine and beer which was also drunk.

AIBU if told food provided, and being asked ‘just bring something to drink’, you should drink what you bring!

OP posts:
OnlyOneAdda · 25/08/2025 20:05

FWIW re. all the discussion about gifts and flowers - I HATE it when a guest brings flowers (much as I appreciate the thought and gesture and say thank you how lovely of them) because sorting out a bunch of flowers into a vase whilst juggling food & drinks & being a good host is a right pain in the arse...

WellMaybeTomorrow · 25/08/2025 20:05

I think YABU. They ate all the food but that’s because you provided it! If you had wanted to keep some aside for another day then how were they to know. I also think it’s a bit daft to complain they drank your DHs good when when you provided it. Having said that I would have bought a gift and more alcohol if I had been a guest.

Bestfootforward11 · 25/08/2025 20:06

I think this is just hosting? You decide what food you want to do and how much you want to spend on it and people eat it. If they eat it all it means they enjoyed it! Ditto wine. I’d likely say to friends bring a bottle but would also buy wine myself. If they bring anything else that’s nice but no expectation. I think inviting people means different things to different people. To me bringing flowers etc is of course very nice but it can also sometimes all become a bit formal and performative rather than friends just getting together to eat, drink and chat- you have to bring a naice wine and meat has to be from the butchers. I also see having friends round as a way to give something rather then receive if that makes sense. With one friend group we split between us who will bring what and we all cook and clear up together. With another friend group, a different person would host each month. Lots of different ways to host.

QuickFawn · 25/08/2025 20:08

so you are upset guests enjoyed and ate the food you served and drunk the drinks your dp offered….

i would agree you’re not cut out for hosting op

and lesson learnt only buy and serve drinks you don’t mind guests drinking or serve them there own if you risk hosting again or specially ask people to bring a dish/ meat/ drink

Onleemoi · 25/08/2025 20:09

OnlyOneAdda · 25/08/2025 20:05

FWIW re. all the discussion about gifts and flowers - I HATE it when a guest brings flowers (much as I appreciate the thought and gesture and say thank you how lovely of them) because sorting out a bunch of flowers into a vase whilst juggling food & drinks & being a good host is a right pain in the arse...

I was just thinking about how much I’d not like having to deal with 4 bunches of flowers when I was trying to host a bbq.

tumblingdowntherabbithole · 25/08/2025 20:09

I'm not sure why you offered to host if you didn't want to provide any alcohol or for your guests to eat your food? Confused

Account734 · 25/08/2025 20:12

Pandersmum · 25/08/2025 18:16

…. and we cooked plenty of food as we had hungry teens returning from work a couple of hours later. We ordered them a pizza instead.

Then separate out their food and put it in the fridge. Odd for you to expect your guests to know they are meant to leave food because you have plans for it.

feelingalittlehorse · 25/08/2025 20:15

Maybe I’m not with the times, but whenever I’ve attended someone’s bbq/ party/ dinner etc , I’ve always brought either/ or/ combination of a) food if required, b) alcohol for myself and to share, c) a thank you for the host. That’s pretty normal in my social circle.

Iris2020 · 25/08/2025 20:17

Pandersmum · 25/08/2025 18:14

It’s the first time anyone has hosted. We thought it was a nice thing to do.

My DH offered people top ups when he was pouring his own wine, not expecting them to say yes I guess. He’s a generous soul. Also people helped themselves from the bottles in the fridge. We didn’t think to remove them.

It was nice of you to host but if people bring drinks, it's totally normal to share what has been brought. The unspoken rule is bring what you feel comfortable sharing.
And YABVVVU being disappointed at no leftovers! That's the mark of a successful night, not the opposite. Either you're willing to host or you're not, but don't offer things hoping people will say no.

Vegalyra · 25/08/2025 20:18

You should have saved a plate for your DC, could have taken it straight from the bbq into the kitchen, no fuss.

I don’t think it’s that unusual for people to have seconds and thirds at a bbq. It’s not the type of meal where you have one plate of food. If there’s different food on offer, you might try a few things, but not pile them high on your plate from the beginning. As a host, I’m delighted when there are no leftovers. It means that the guests enjoyed the food.

It’s a bit cheeky of them to bring the cheapest wine and then drink yours, although your dh did offer. I think I’d low-key judge them for it too 😄 But I wouldn’t let it affect the friendship.

MyElatedUmberFinch · 25/08/2025 20:19

The only issue I can see is that you didn’t put a plate of food by for your teens to have later.

PinkyFlamingo · 25/08/2025 20:21

Right your DH offered guests top ups of the expensive wine.....and he was expecting them to say no? That's really odd!!

HeddaGarbled · 25/08/2025 20:23

My DH offered people top ups when he was pouring his own wine, not expecting them to say yes I guess. He’s a generous soul

That is normal hosting. If a host topped up their own glass without offering their guests a top up too, that would be rude.

Bring a bottle is an acceptable request but expecting guests to only drink what they brought with them isn’t. Apart from anything else, it wouldn’t be cold when they arrived.

Hosting etiquette requires you to provide food and drink.

If one couple brings cheap wine, they misjudged and they’re the ones out of step. If they all did, you misjudged and are the ones out of step.

MyElatedUmberFinch · 25/08/2025 20:28

PinkyFlamingo · 25/08/2025 20:21

Right your DH offered guests top ups of the expensive wine.....and he was expecting them to say no? That's really odd!!

As if anyone would say no I won’t have the nice cold wine the host keeps offering me I’ll go and find my own wine I put down somewhere.

AardvarkaKedavra · 25/08/2025 20:32

I wouldn't behave that way as a guest, but then I wouldn't offer things I didn't expect my own guests to eat or drink. It was an expensive treat. Just don't do it again, if you feel taken advantage of. Or specify that it's BYOB (and DYOB), and choose something to drink yourselves that you won't resent sharing. If you want to host them without it costing so much, I'd suggest a potluck. Might be a good way of nudging them into contributing, if no-one wants to volunteer. But be prepared that unless there's an agreement on what everyone is bringing you may find they all bring something cheap and convenient. And that's fine, as long as you're not putting in so much more money and effort that you feel taken advantage of.

AgnesX · 25/08/2025 20:35

TheCosyViewer · 25/08/2025 18:04

Why did you leave out 6 bottles of wine that you resented your guests drinking ?

Have to agree. Never offer anything you'll resent someone else drinking.

lostanduseless · 25/08/2025 20:35

I don't think hosting is for you.

KnewYearKnewMe · 25/08/2025 20:35

Sounds maybe like a you think, OP.

having hosted, and been hosted, for a very long time - you tend to bring beer and wine that you like, put it into the communal pot, and then drink that pls if whatever takes your fancy as the evening goes on.

food is also fair game. If there are not tonnes of leftovers, you haven’t catered enough.

nomas · 25/08/2025 20:37

I would be less generous next time, keep it cheap and cheerful.

And yes, don’t host again until the others have hosted! And see what they serve. Take cheap wine.

Octavia64 · 25/08/2025 20:37

We used to do a regular summer bbq for our hobby group.

it was a bit bigger than yours.

no leftovers is normal. Sharing of drinks brought us also normal - we used to put a couple of tables out and one was for drinks people brought and the other for food.

we’d usually buy some soft drinks and some beer and a couple of bottles of wine to start it off.

most bbqs really aren’t drink only what you bring. They’re put it in the ice bath/on the table and share and share alike.

i always really enjoyed it.

MyElatedUmberFinch · 25/08/2025 20:38

I’ve never hosted a bbq without ending up with a decent amount of leftovers. What did you cook?

Motheranddaughter · 25/08/2025 20:41

We always provide plenty of alcohol if we host
Anything guests bring is a bonus

Original poster
Pandersmum · 25/08/2025 20:42

For clarity event was last Saturday and I spent £150 at the butchers. Lots more on crisps, vegetables, breads and ingredients for home made sides and desserts. Also soft drinks and small amounts of beer / wine. We did have a bucket of drinks on offer.

Yes it was nice food as I like to serve nice food and when we go out for dinner with the group we go to good restaurants. DH and I made an effort. We wanted too.

DH cooked all the BBQ food. It didn’t occur to me to put something aside for the kids. We normally have lots left over and they don’t mind eating leftovers.

As I said, hosting for this group is clearly not for me.
We’ll go back to going to restaurants in future - significantly less effort and less cost for us - we’ll still have a good time. It will however got the rest of the group considerably more. I don’t think anyone else will offer to host.

I am clearly out of touch with what is the norm / ok today.
Personally , I wouldn’t dream of turning up to someone’s house for the first time, with a very cheap bottle of plonk and proceed to eat and drink everything on offer for the next 6 hours.

OP posts:
londongirl12 · 25/08/2025 20:43

When we go to friends houses (and them to us) everyone brings their own drink. Then people can drink what they want.

BettysRoasties · 25/08/2025 20:43

If you were wanting food for later for your teens you should have put some to one side. Though ultimately unless your friends all have the appetites of giants you just did not cater for enough people.

Drinks again, if your dh is going around offering people wine most will accept as otherwise they could fear appearing rude for rejecting your hospitality.

When we bbq we have food left over every time, drinks wise we provide wine and beer and soft drinks and only ask people to bring drinks if they want something specific. Say a vodka drinker who only drinks one brand maybe.