BBQ hosting etiquette

[Pandersmum]

AIBU.
BBQ for 10 (4 couples plus us) of ‘hobby group’ friends in being p’d off that having asked guests to ‘bring what you like to drink’ after spending £150 on nice butchers bbq stuff and homemade salads, sides, nibbles and desserts, we are left with 4 bottles of exceptionally cheap rose (think Aldi lowest price wine) and no leftovers, most having 2nds and 3rds as the ‘food was so good’! They also drank through 6 bottles of DH good Sauvignon blanc!
We would normally go out to dinner with them and spend £100-150 per couple - they are not struggling financially! 1 couple did bring chocolates and a bunch of flowers. 3 other couples just bought cheap wine and beer which was also drunk.

AIBU if told food provided, and being asked ‘just bring something to drink’, you should drink what you bring!

I would say certainly not based on this account / reply...

There wasn't plenty of food if nothing was left.

And if everybody complimented you on leaving by enthusiastically asking when the next one was, and instead of recognising that as complimentary chatter you had a dig for somebody else to do it...this is absolutely not your bag!

If you have been left with nothing then I would say you have under catered. Was it £150 all in (meat, buns, desert, sides) or £150 on just meat? If all in then that is likely under catered.

You say it was butchers meat, how much did you actually get? If you were thinking 1 burger, 1 sausage, 1 chicken drumstick ect then you have under catered as that's not how everyone eats - especially if the bbq was cooking all afternoon. People will dip in and out and eat more when spread over the entire afternoon vs everything out at once or very close together. Or did you go to one of those butchers where they do x trays for x amount? Again for 10 adults plus the DC, depending on what trays you bought it would be under catered.

If you were planning on also feeding DC, why didn't you keep some bits back? So give the BBQer so much and keep back to be bbqd when DC got home.

I don't expect a lot of leftovers, leftovers usually means people were not entirely keen on the food. You might get some leftover sides (usually salad) but I've never hosted a bbq where there was lots of leftover meat - an odd couple of sausages/ burgers/ chicken wings or drumsticks.

With the drink, you should have filled ice bucket/ box and put all the guest drinks, plus what you were willing to share and softs/ mixers all on a table outside so people are not wandering the kitchen. Anything you don't want drunk you put away. People generally drink what is open, rather than open multiple bottles of wine. If your DH is topping up that's on him. It's very student vibe, drink only what you bring. If I host I usually cater and for drinks I will get a few bottles of wine (admittedly cheaper aldi wine that I also like), crate of beer/ ciders (depends what's on offer) and lots of softs and mixers. Fill big under bed box with ice and put it all out. I tell all my friends I have bought x, if you like you can bring what they like to drink - most will bring craft beer/ different brand of cider/ prosecco or something different. Sometimes it all gets drank, sometimes there's bits left.

Same with host gift, nice extra but certainly not expected. Amongst my friends we wouldn't do host gifts. Instead my mates all just muck in together and enjoy the company of each other.

If a host offers you wine, how the hell are you supposed to know they secretly mean you should decline it and open what you brought? I haven’t been to any kind of party where you sit with your own drink in a bag by your feet since I was a student.

I'm not usually a massive gift bringer when I go to people's houses. But I also seem to end up doing the hosting 80+% of the time so I don't feel super guilty about that. 😅

Don’t host if you can’t do it graciously. I’m not sure I could, so I don’t.

I could never imagine turning up to a party or BBQ or dinner without a decent amount of booze to throw into the pot but agree with PP’s that it’s a bit studenty to expect people to drink only what they’ve brought and keep it to themselves. The only time I’ve done that in memory was with a bottle of alcohol free red when I was pregnant, but nobody else would have wanted it anyway.

The last BBQ I went to (about 50 people so harder to keep track) I took the specific wine I wanted to drink but I took 3 bottles of it, because as predicted each time I went back for a top-up it was depleted. Everything everyone brought and that the hosts had provided went on the bar or in the ice buckets and it was thereafter a free for all. Most things hosted at people’s homes seem to be like that.

Ultimately you can’t complain about them drinking your wine if DH started offering it round though, and if you ran out of food there wasn’t enough food.

If we host ta BBQ then we wouldn't expect people to bring anything that was to be consumed during it as we would have already bought drinks etc.

We last did a BBQ for 6 people and spent well over £150 including drinks.

You hosted and now resent it. Don't invite anyone to your house if you don't want them to eat your food. I am sure they will all reciprocate and you can let your resentment fester and then turn up with the cheapest Aldi wine and eat them out of house and home.

As the host why didn’t you open the cheap bottles of wine and start offering it around? I’m not sure what the problem is, you bought food to cater for your guests, they ate the food and you complained about not having any left, they were offered wine, they accepted but you again complained they drank it, how were they to know they should of declined and sat and drank the cheap wine they brought round? Everyone had a great time and would love to do it again yet you complained no one wanted to leave 🤦‍♀️ I can’t decide if you’re a good host or not haha it sounds like you did a great job but at the same time resented it

When you host you provide food and alcohol . Lots of it ! You only drink what people bring if you run out ?

I would expect to take a volume of drink that we could consume but good quality and tuck it away for the hosts and drink the cheap plonk the hosts or other provided. And I'd be pleased that people liked what was prepared. Nothing worse, to me at least, than having someone picking at stuff you've prepared and then ask if you have some bread and peanut butter (yes this has happened to me).

I did work yonks back with a woman who assumed that if they took a bottle of wine to a party it was theirs and theirs alone and that they were entitled to take it home with them if they hadn't finished it. Then again she was so cheap they tended to take those little bottles of wine you get free on a flight and sometimes if they were feeling extra special they'd take one of those mini bottles of whisky. I was working to put my DH through uni at the time and her husband had a big job flying internationally on business. Not like they were skint.

Looking at your update, I think we host very different types of people at our BBQs. Yours sounds like it was intended to be a civilised Middle class affair with floral / chocolate gifts, naice posh wine and naice butcher meat. As opposed to my what's on offer crates of beer, wine and mixers free for all.

If the BBQ was today then you have done very well to cook for everyone, tidy up and reflect on how much everyone has eaten and drunk. My BBQ would still be very much in full swing, we'd all be half pissed in camping chairs in the garden until 10pm tonight. Someone would have offered to walk to the off license to top up any alcohol. We'd also probably have to order pizzas in as everyone had been here since 2 and was once again hungry at 8 but having too good a time to go home.

The fact people were not making excuses to leave early and praised your food and asked when the next one was means it was a success.

God, seriously. Why are you so resentful of hosting your friends? Don’t invite them if this is how you feel!

If I host I’m not expecting much in terms of what is brought. Although wouldn’t want to drink poor wine

People like to get drunk at bbqs. If there is wine that is open in the fridge of course guests will think they can drink it.
I don’t think you are cut out for this sort of hosting.
Flowers/card to a bbq host would feel very OTT to me and most of my peer group. It’s a casual get together where people eat and drink a lot. Sounds like they had a great time, shame you didn’t.

You sound like lovely hosts. Your guests unfortunately lack manners. It’s very depressing when people reveal themselves to be cheapskates. Looks like it’s just the hobby you have in common.

What did you cook ? I'm only asking because I read on here so many times the food that was cooked and it wasn't enough.

If you wanted left overs and food for kids, you should have put some aside.

I think it's clear what you messaged about drinks, unfortunately there does be people who bring crap and drink the good stuff.

Then why didnt you some plates aside for them then?

This sounds like the bbqs we have! Tbh I'd be baffled if my friends bought me a bunch of flowers or a gift. They'd bring their own booze, but I would definitely have provided a load as well, usually a summer punch (served in a plastic storage box). The whole thing lasts between 8 and 10 hours.

Everyone eating all the food you provided, drinking the drinks they were offered, and not wanting to go home because they're having such a good time isn't a reason to be upset!

I don’t understand why you are annoyed that you are left with ‘cheap wine’. What does it matter?

As a host you need to provide enough food and drinks (wine, beer etc) for your guests. I definitely provide some decent wine and not be cross if it all gets drunk.

In my group - all would bring a decent bottle or two of wine and some a hosting gift. I always take a hosting gift. But when we’ve done big parties occasionally people will bring cheaper wine/prosecco - I either offer it out at the end of the night or shove it in the shed.

You shouldn’t host with the expectation of anything….

We do a quiz night and I always say ‘We’ll provide the food and the quiz - please bring whatever you want to drink’. Then apart from fizzy water, juice and soft drinks we pretty much leave them to do just that!

Isn’t it that the OP had laid on good food and nice wine, and people just brought what they could get away with? That seems very disrespectful and unappreciative.

If someone turned up at my house with a bunch of flowers and chocolates I'd be a bit confused as to why....
I've never taken flowers or chocs round to someone's house before unless it's their birthday/baby shower/engagement party etc. if it's just a BBQ for the fun of it, the hosts don't need gifts, just a contribution to the food and drinks. We bring DHs potato salad (as it is the best thing EVER), a couple of bottles of wine plus beers or ciders and sweets for the kids. We all also chip in with cooking/setting stuff out and cleaning up at the end.

The clue here is in 'hobby friends'.
When I was a late teen and involved in sport, we'd merrily attend the bbq held by an older participant in his field, sit on hay bales, and have a great time. We turned up with whatever booze was on offer at the off licence on the walk down. They were always a great success, and an annual fixture.
If a close friend was giving a dinner party though, we'd bring something nice and often flowers too.

No that’s just what happens