AIBU to want a 4th child, is it self sabotage?

[BeeHappy12]

I'm really stuck. DH and I have 3 kids aged 6.5, 4 and 2 and have been going back and forth on whether we should have child no 4.

The thing is I find 3 quite a lot in terms of mental energy, activities for the kids and 1:1 time already. My husband and I are very equal in terms of work and family time and we would be financially fine. My husband is happy with 3 (and in balance would prefer to stop because he's pragmatic about time, money) but can also see the positives of 4 and would support me if I really want it.

It feels like 3 is manageable for me and I should stop and be grateful and then I feel this impulse to go for no.4 to have another little person to watch grow and have a bigger family. I'm worried that with 3 there won't be enough going on around the house when they're all in school, like there is now. Is this just self sabotage because things are manageable and I'm pushing myself into unmanageable territory?

Help!

I can't see that you have given any good reason to have a fourth child. You have three already, which I would argue is more than any family needs. Think about the world's overpopulation and please just enjoy the children you have.

If you want 4 kids you can have them.

Have you decided that you won't help your kids with driving lessons/cars/university or house deposits or are you very wealthy and can afford to help 4 kids with these things?

I'm worried that with 3 there won't be enough going on around the house when they're all in school, like there is now.

Get a hobby then, don't make another human.

If you’re wealthy and can provide for them why not. Are you religious?

Yes!!!!

Focus your energy on making the world a better place.

I know it’s harder for some but you can’t just have another child to have someone else in the home, as you say if there isn’t much going on. Because then what happens when that child then grows. It brings you back to the same point.

Oh for goodness sake .what doom monger .if she wants a 4th child and can afford it fine .as long as you can afford it and hubby on board that's good enough

I have 3.

Think ahead is my advice.

College is expensive.

The cost of clothes for teenagers is insane.

I can't see any good reason to do this...sounds like you're just about coping, why would you want to tip the balance?

There's more to it than just being able to afford it financially. My husband and I are in the lucky position that we could probably afford ten children, but we made the decision to stop at two because that was better for everyone, including our existing children.

The OP even said "The thing is I find 3 quite a lot in terms of mental energy, activities for the kids and 1:1 time already." Adding a fourth child to that mix isn't going to help matters any, is it?

The planet is vastly overpopulated and environmentally in chaos. Three children is more than enough. It's really not a good decision to choose to have another when your existing children need as much of you as you can give. Why do this and spread yourselves and your finances even more thinly?

The 4th could be twins!

I don't see why you shouldn't have a 4th child if you can manage, both financially and time wise but just to put it out there what if you had a child with additional needs? It would change the dynamics of your family. Are you willing to accept that?

Your 4th could be twins or have complex needs or disabilities.

Personally id settle for 3 especially as you’ve said you already find it hard and having a 4th to ensure there’s noise when the others are a at school is not a strong reason !

We have 3. I didn't have a burning desire to have 4, but had I fallen pregnant again when our DC were the ages yours are now (we have similar age gaps), we would have been cautiously happy I think. I found the primary years joyful and although it was busy I never found myself stretched too thin. One and two child families seemed very quiet and almost empty to me in comparison (I was an idiot).

Now they are teens I am more aware that they are individual people with individual needs and although we manage fine I am a lot more aware of how having three means there is less of everything for each of them - less time, less energy (I am gradually feeling my age) and of course less money. I am extremely glad we stopped at three, it would have been a very poor choice from the POV of our existing children.

Dear lord, are you really wealthy? I can’t even begin to fathom the cost to provide adequately and evenly for four children.

Plus the teenage years are so hard and challenging and you’ll need every ounce of time and strength for that. Trust me!

I have 6, all grown up now (youngest is 17) so I say if you have the longing then go for it.

You will the usual climate change (who are actually not really up to speed with the real facts of population) people who even think 1 child over populates the world, these people will comment negatively on this. Then you will get the ‘anti -2 plus children’ who say you won’t have enough money, energy, time blah, blah, blah.

But truly only you and your DH will know the real answer if it’s right for you. If you are both on the same page (either way) then that helps. I think < 3 kids it’s a question of the heart. With 4, purely because of the logistics there is a little bit more of the practicalities to think about (head thinking), but if you can work around those then it’s a question of the heart.
The real question is will you regret it if you don’t?

To address some of the questions/statements;
-we're not religious

• I am concerned about climate change and the state of the world but I don't think I can let if affect my decision making given it is such a small scale effect

-We have the finances to afford school, university and some deposit (I guess it'd be less with 4), I know we're lucky but it's not a finances issue

I do however agree with the posters siting TIME as an issue. I'm a very hands on mum, I love being with the kids, playing, activities, cooking, etc I'm concerned that one of them will turn around at 20 and say they wish they had more 1:1 time with me.

Why do I feel like this then? Does it ever go away if I don't have no 4?

💯 it's what I'm battling with

Yes I had the same thing with going for a third just a notion I wanted it. We didn’t and I am so glad we didn’t because what isn’t said is that teenagers are HARD. I find the two of mine now to actually need me as much as they did when they were younger but in a more complex way. Their needs and wants are different so we often split up (tonight DH and DS are watching Monday Night football and DD and I are going to the theatre). I admire those who manage it but I couldn’t be the mum I wanted to anymore

Think about the world's overpopulation and please just enjoy the children you have.

The west isn't having enough kids so that's a tad overkill.

OP, just because you want something (in this case another baby), it doesn't mean that you should go ahead. Where is the planning, the consideration for your existing children, the consideration for your husband's wishes? I don't see anything in your post that shows any sense of responsibility for any of the humans already in your life.
I don't know how anyone could just give in to their emotions about something so important.

It never left me, op. I wish I'd went ahead and had a fourth instead of being scared off with tales of how awful the teenage years could be. They've been a breeze, btw.