AIBU to want a 4th child, is it self sabotage?

[BeeHappy12]

I'm really stuck. DH and I have 3 kids aged 6.5, 4 and 2 and have been going back and forth on whether we should have child no 4.

The thing is I find 3 quite a lot in terms of mental energy, activities for the kids and 1:1 time already. My husband and I are very equal in terms of work and family time and we would be financially fine. My husband is happy with 3 (and in balance would prefer to stop because he's pragmatic about time, money) but can also see the positives of 4 and would support me if I really want it.

It feels like 3 is manageable for me and I should stop and be grateful and then I feel this impulse to go for no.4 to have another little person to watch grow and have a bigger family. I'm worried that with 3 there won't be enough going on around the house when they're all in school, like there is now. Is this just self sabotage because things are manageable and I'm pushing myself into unmanageable territory?

Help!

I don't know how anyone could just give in to their emotions about something so important.

Using this logic hardly anyone would have dc 😆

I have moments of clarity when I feel like this and know that my kids will probably just soak up as much of my energy (in a positive way) as I'm willing to give at all the stages and I should stick with the 3 and then it comes over quite inexplicably that 4 would be more wonderful.

I have been tracking my cycle and it's possibly all related to ovulation and I should distract myself through those moments.

Oh and to those saying get a hobby, I do, multiple but I fit them in around working and the kids. I really do have energy to burn!!

Why do I feel like this then? Does it ever go away if I don't have no 4?

What if it doesn’t go away after number 4, and you still feel you need number 5 to “have another little person to watch grow and have a bigger family” and are still “worried that with 4 there won't be enough going on around the house when they're all in school”?

It sounds as though you have a full, busy active family life already, and are meeting everyone’s needs and wants as it is. Can you identify what it is you really feel is missing? It can’t simply be a lively, full-on family with three children at the ages yours are.

I had a 5 year old 2 year old twins and a newborn. I was lucky to be a SAHM. I enjoyed it. I was lucky they were easy children no velcro babies. All got on well and played together.
We did have to buy a bigger car.
They didn't really do a lot of extra activities except for after school clubs. I do feel that parents nowadays seem to think that their kids have to go to lots of clubs during the week and weekends and seem to be ferrying them around everywhere.
Only one went to university but others are doing well in their chosen careers. None are expecting house deposits.
We did only have holidays in this country as it was very expensive for a family of 6. But they really enjoyed all of them.

I can see this happening to me. I often feel like I can't relate to the presiding parenting emotions others are feeling.

I didn't enjoy pregnancy but loved the birth and post partum period, the toddler stages have been so fun and sleep hasn't been a disaster with any of the 3. My kids do activities and I watch them with joy, we manage to have a great time on holidays and have been lucky to take job opportunities overseas over the past 6 years when others think traveling with kids is a disaster.

I'm worried I'll be able to cope and don't know it OR it'll push me over the edge. Unfortunately there's no way of knowing!!

This is a great question and yes, I'm able to identify that nothing is missing. I just want more of the good I have - but, will I get too greedy 😞

I have 4
11, 8, 7 and 3
I am stretched THIN
Just sitting on a train is difficult (table seats of 4)
Hotel rooms - you usually need two so that puts the price up.
As much as I love my 4th, I do long for the days when it was just three and felt more manageable.
Even simple things like school home work, I'm pulled in different directions all while trying to change a nappy

You will need a minibus to take them out!

You want more going on around your house when they’re at school? That doesn’t even make sense. Your 4th will go to school too. Also don’t you have any personal dreams/goals/wants? Sounds like you need a hobby/friends etc.

You're right there is no way of knowing. I am lucky in that I know I am done at 2, my PPD with the second was terrifying. I honestly just know I cannot do it again. Although 2nd DC is now 1 and the baby pics make me swoon I know I am done.

My sister had a burning desire for a 3rd, so she had a 3rd. DC are all loved but she really regrets loosing the house hold they had but wouldn't change it. My cousin then was medically now 'allowed' to have a 3rd and still feels short changed.

It's hard like it really is!! Do you rock the boat, and add more joy or does it end up unbalancing it.

It really can only be decided by you and DH.

I think on these sorts of topics I lose my patience with the MN comments (and question why I waste my time on it!) but I do think this is such a subjective and personal thing.
People (zealots sometimes!!) on here will give their own experiences, which is fine and what you are looking for, but I draw the line when people try to convince you that their opinion is the right one and that you are nuts etc.
Imagine where you see yourself in10 -15 years time, rather than in the baby/ toddler years. Do you see yourself enjoying the hustle and bustle at the dinner table with new bfs/ gfs etc? With the current family you have now or with more people? Or do you see yourself as the kind of person wanting a quieter time trying to get away from it all and looking forward to travelling the world with your DH or whatever? What excites you more? What would you miss more?
What can you sacrifice more? What would you be reflecting on if you only had one more day to live? Would it be family life or something else?

Can you please tell me your secret of enjoying and coping well with motherhood? I only have 2 kids (4 and 1) and it has destroyed me. Probably mostly because i have had 2 absolutely awful sleepers.

I have 3 , in response no i don't think it always does go away.
On a recent family meal i was cuddling my little niece and had a flash of very intense desire to have another baby ,i even asked my husband 😀past it now regardless !
Only you can decide but for me with my thankfully healthy so far 3 i wouldn't have wanted to chance it.

Your life sounds wonderful.

Every time you add a child you risk turning that upside down. It might be fine. You might have a child (or children) who change everything.

You’ve been lucky so far. I guess it comes down to your willingness to take that risk.

So, its good that you'd still have enough to buy them cars, house deposits, pay for uni, weddings etc. Many people couldn't do that for 4 children and although you don't have to, it is obviously a big advantage if you can. I think the 1-1 time is an important one, children might be more independent as they grow older, but often they need more of your time for emotional support. I'd worry that the fourth would be detrimental to this aspect for the three you already have.

I had the 4th then got divorced it was the final straw

I don’t think there is a way you can know 100% what is right in this situation. I say this as someone who had 4 (with similar age gaps to yours) and has found that 4 has pushed me beyond my capacity.

i would never say I regret our fourth, I love them with the same strength and affection as the others. But I do sometimes daydream about what life would be like if I’d stopped at 3, and I know that I was a better mum to 3.

All that said my youngest is only 2 and I hope that these feelings will change as they get older. And sometimes I look at them all together and they’re so perfect and wonderful together I start to wonder whether 5 might be a good idea 😂🤪

As the eldest daughter of 5 children, I would stop at 3

Have the fourth if you want another and can afford it

Most people are going to tell you not to and to focus on the children you already have but if you want another baby and can cope in your shoes I’d go for it.

That huge car you will need! All those hotel rooms and big houses! If you only have some deposit for houses saved up, you are not that well off. 4 is a luxury and most with 4 need help from others. Clashes of after school activities etc. I would hate 3 settled DC and then 4th is a nightmare ! Yes, of course the one impacts the others. Inevitable. 3 is plenty in this day and age. Even the Royal Family gets it now!

I’m pregnant with my third and DH is getting the snip after she’s born. I did get a bit sad and asked if he would be up for four but he said no. Well he actually “Catrina we do not need 4 children I do not want to drive a mini van” and I guess that settles it. I am one of six so I always imagined myself with more kids, but I think three is a sensible and practical number to stop at. Also if we had four I’d have to work more and my desire to not work outweighs my desire for a fourth child.

Honestly its a deeply personal choice though and I say go for it if you really want it.

Are you under the impression that climate change is a local issue?

That was my first thought too.

Here we go again!!