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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to want a 4th child, is it self sabotage?

155 replies

BeeHappy12 · 25/08/2025 14:58

I'm really stuck. DH and I have 3 kids aged 6.5, 4 and 2 and have been going back and forth on whether we should have child no 4.

The thing is I find 3 quite a lot in terms of mental energy, activities for the kids and 1:1 time already. My husband and I are very equal in terms of work and family time and we would be financially fine. My husband is happy with 3 (and in balance would prefer to stop because he's pragmatic about time, money) but can also see the positives of 4 and would support me if I really want it.

It feels like 3 is manageable for me and I should stop and be grateful and then I feel this impulse to go for no.4 to have another little person to watch grow and have a bigger family. I'm worried that with 3 there won't be enough going on around the house when they're all in school, like there is now. Is this just self sabotage because things are manageable and I'm pushing myself into unmanageable territory?

Help!

OP posts:
spoonbillstretford · 26/08/2025 06:36

DH and I have 3 kids aged 6.5, 4 and 2

I'm just concerned that the OP can't count.

Readyforslippers · 26/08/2025 06:37

VeterinaryCareAssistant · 25/08/2025 20:43

You don't need to pay for all those things. That shouldn't necessarily be taken into account.

Show quote history

Well no, that's why I said you don't have to.

It will give them an advantage in life though as things are possibly going to be pretty tough for the next generation.

Readyforslippers · 26/08/2025 06:40

spoonbillstretford · 26/08/2025 06:36

DH and I have 3 kids aged 6.5, 4 and 2

I'm just concerned that the OP can't count.

How is that not 3?

spoonbillstretford · 26/08/2025 06:51

One aged 6, one aged 5, one aged 4, one aged 2. That's four.

I can see now that the eldest is aged 6.5! It was a light hearted comment. It really looked like a comma, not a decimal point on my phone though.

user1476613140 · 26/08/2025 10:48

YaWeeFurryBastard · 26/08/2025 06:33

Why wouldn’t you want to provide those things for your kids though? Or are you saying existing kids should have to miss out on opportunities they could have had because of Mum’s desire for more more more? I honestly find the level of selfishness shocking.

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I was one of two and had to pay my own way as sn adult. I didn't expect others to fund me at uni or pay for my driving lessons.

TonTonMacoute · 26/08/2025 10:52

Well, bear in mind that the biological urge is very strong, and doesn't take account of all the hard work and expense or allow for what could go wrong.

Zodiacrobat · 26/08/2025 11:11

RimTimTagiDim · 25/08/2025 15:04

I'm worried that with 3 there won't be enough going on around the house when they're all in school, like there is now.

Get a hobby then, don't make another human.

Yes if she’s very wealthy. Or get a job, like 95% of the population.

Zodiacrobat · 26/08/2025 11:32

CloudywMeatballs · 25/08/2025 15:09

There's more to it than just being able to afford it financially. My husband and I are in the lucky position that we could probably afford ten children, but we made the decision to stop at two because that was better for everyone, including our existing children.

The OP even said "The thing is I find 3 quite a lot in terms of mental energy, activities for the kids and 1:1 time already." Adding a fourth child to that mix isn't going to help matters any, is it?

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Yes, every one I know that came from a big family hated it, didn’t get enough 1-1 attention, parents run ragged and not able to do activities because of time clashes or younger ones needing something, older ones having to babysit etc.

They have all chosen to have max 1 or 2 kids each.

OP you need to look ahead - babies grow up and you could be dealing with issues such as school bullies, teenage rebellions, high costs of providing for them all etc for a long time. If you feel spread thin now, you will really struggle in the teens years when they need you in a different way.

KimberleyClark · 26/08/2025 11:35

RimTimTagiDim · 25/08/2025 15:04

I'm worried that with 3 there won't be enough going on around the house when they're all in school, like there is now.

Get a hobby then, don't make another human.

Or a dog.

Zodiacrobat · 26/08/2025 11:50

spoonbillstretford · 26/08/2025 06:36

DH and I have 3 kids aged 6.5, 4 and 2

I'm just concerned that the OP can't count.

6 and a half, 4 and 2 years old. That’s 3 kids. She didn’t say 6 comma 5.

Zodiacrobat · 26/08/2025 11:52

spoonbillstretford · 26/08/2025 06:51

One aged 6, one aged 5, one aged 4, one aged 2. That's four.

I can see now that the eldest is aged 6.5! It was a light hearted comment. It really looked like a comma, not a decimal point on my phone though.

Sorry was reading down thread when I replied and just saw your follow up post after I posted.

Tay596 · 26/08/2025 12:05

You could feel exactly the same about having a 5th as the house will be too quiet when number 4 goes to school.

The world is already hugely overpopulated, concentrate on the kids you already have and make sure they have a good life. Having another child just because you can when you already have 3 is not a reason. Find something else to fill your life.

Bluevelvetsofa · 26/08/2025 12:11

Even if everything was absolutely fine with a fourth child, you’d have the same issue as that one grew. Most of them at school, later out with mates etc. Will there then be a fifth? Or more.

There have been very good points made about the teenage years, the expense ( and things can happen to knock you off balance financially). Carve out some time for yourself now, doing something you enjoy and can increase as they become less dependent, or set up a business, volunteer, do paid work.

ByDreamyMintNewt · 26/08/2025 12:11

Mumsnet is generally very anti big families. I have three children and according to most Mumsnet threads then anything beyond two is a terrible choice.

If you want it and can afford it then go for it. I do think it's something you should be 100% sure that you want before you go for though. It's completely up to you, such an individual choice, the opinions of no-one outside of your family matter in this. One more baby is hardly going to impact overpopulation etc.

I'm sometimes tempted by the idea of four but my husband doesn't want another and I think I'd struggle to balance it with work.

Overnightoatsareyummy · 26/08/2025 12:16

Bluevelvetsofa · 26/08/2025 12:11

Even if everything was absolutely fine with a fourth child, you’d have the same issue as that one grew. Most of them at school, later out with mates etc. Will there then be a fifth? Or more.

There have been very good points made about the teenage years, the expense ( and things can happen to knock you off balance financially). Carve out some time for yourself now, doing something you enjoy and can increase as they become less dependent, or set up a business, volunteer, do paid work.

And would there be a problem if she wanted and fifth or a sixth?? It’s like you are trying to convince her with your own judgmental views. You have no idea of her day to day family life, nor does anyone else.

Only OP and her DH knows the answer. OP do what’s best for your own family, don’t let ANYONE judge you based on your opinions. MN is just full of this..

pontipinemum · 26/08/2025 12:18

I know it is not the same and I shouldn't compare babies to dogs but...... my sister had her 1st child when she was 19, her 2nd at 21 and they had their 3rd at 27. Apparently when she hit 40 she was contemplating another baby. They got a dog! She adores the dog. (and of course her children)

RanyaJerodung · 26/08/2025 12:20

"there wouldn't be enough going on around the house when they're all at school".
You can't keep having children because you want a pre schooler. At some point there will be a quieter house during the day.

Reanimated · 26/08/2025 12:24

Yes, I think there's an anti-large family sentiment in MN. Some people seem to think they are going to save the planet by hen-pecking one woman at a time on MN, others seem to think that because they couldn't care for more than two children with great care and attention that nobody else could either.

FluffyBoob · 26/08/2025 12:29

My friend had 3 kids and the planned 4th was triplets, all with Special Needs. It broke the marriage and she is fucked

Overnightoatsareyummy · 26/08/2025 12:33

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

noidea69 · 26/08/2025 12:36

I'm worried that with 3 there won't be enough going on around the house when they're all in school, like there is now.

I dont think having another kid because you are worried about getting bored is the way to go.

Reanimated · 26/08/2025 12:36

😂 I have a friend who has four children and the last one has saved millions of lives with their contributions to science <lies>

usernameinserthere · 26/08/2025 12:37

Shouldbedoing · 25/08/2025 17:01

It's the car for me. With 3, you all fit into a 'normal' car. That sums it up.

This actually makes me aghast. Not the poster but the mindset.

I will limit my family choices because of vehicle size??? FFS cars are available in all sizes for all reasons.

I bought a very nice people carrier when I had two kids - as I like the luxury of taking other family members out with us on trips or adding in friends. I love day trips with then extra space for storage and hobbies.

Imagine someone saying oh I have a two seater convertible - so I won’t have kids then…. 😞😂

ComfortFoodCafe · 26/08/2025 12:38

What if the fourth is severely disabled or twins or triplets?! Yabu, you have three already. Four is just silly.

usernameinserthere · 26/08/2025 12:40

Zodiacrobat · 26/08/2025 11:32

Yes, every one I know that came from a big family hated it, didn’t get enough 1-1 attention, parents run ragged and not able to do activities because of time clashes or younger ones needing something, older ones having to babysit etc.

They have all chosen to have max 1 or 2 kids each.

OP you need to look ahead - babies grow up and you could be dealing with issues such as school bullies, teenage rebellions, high costs of providing for them all etc for a long time. If you feel spread thin now, you will really struggle in the teens years when they need you in a different way.

Show quote history

I came from a big family and highly recommend it. Your pool
of people might be small or poor quality. 🤷

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