AIBU to want a 4th child, is it self sabotage?

[BeeHappy12]

I'm really stuck. DH and I have 3 kids aged 6.5, 4 and 2 and have been going back and forth on whether we should have child no 4.

The thing is I find 3 quite a lot in terms of mental energy, activities for the kids and 1:1 time already. My husband and I are very equal in terms of work and family time and we would be financially fine. My husband is happy with 3 (and in balance would prefer to stop because he's pragmatic about time, money) but can also see the positives of 4 and would support me if I really want it.

It feels like 3 is manageable for me and I should stop and be grateful and then I feel this impulse to go for no.4 to have another little person to watch grow and have a bigger family. I'm worried that with 3 there won't be enough going on around the house when they're all in school, like there is now. Is this just self sabotage because things are manageable and I'm pushing myself into unmanageable territory?

Help!

I think what @Thedoorisalwaysopen was saying is that the OP's 3 children are all healthy easygoing children who sleep well and are (so far) easy to parent. A 4th child could have special needs or just be a baby/child who needs more time and attention. Not that there is anything "wrong" with them, but it's a fact that some children do require more time, attention, patience, money etc. to raise.

I tend to think 3 to 4 is less of a jump than two to three. But then, what would I know? I have two, and know plenty of people who stopped at three. And also many who stopped at two or one, or none at all.

For me, I was the main earner and felt that I would have to be a stay at home parent if we had three, as two nearly drove me over the edge when I went back to work at first and I ended up having a career break for two years. There's no way I could do my job with more than two children. Also we'd have needed a bigger car and house so that would have been a big change. One time we also went round a fairground with our friends with three children. That got me thinking about 3 x everything instead of two, every time, and that's before you think about what they cost as teenagers and young adults.

I think though if you have three then maybe one parent is already at home, you already have a bigger car and house and are already more set up for a larger than average family. But yes, it still costs more, with everything, and that may dilute what you can provide for the others. Also in terms of attention and time. Also the 4th child may be very different from the others or have additional needs. DD2 had ASD and ADHD and is absolutely lovely but at times has needed very different parenting strategies and more help with everything than DD1. Just with two of them balancing our time and feeling like you are giving each enough attention and treating them fairly can be tricky.

I do know someone who wanted a 4th when her husband said no. She “fell” pregnant (non accidental) and it was twins, he was so angry at the deception and left, and she’s now a single mum of 5 and really really struggling, both financially and emotionally, even though he does pay fairly it doesn’t stretch as she can’t work as childcare costs are too high, her oldest is a teen terror in the village, and she just looks utterly miserable and down trodden.

I agree.

Personally, I don't see the need for anyone to have more than two children - the benefit of having more than one is that the child has a sibling; after that the negatives (less time, head-space, energy, money for each individual child) far outweigh the positives which I'm actually not sure exist

Yes you would say as a parent of < 2 kids. You have no understanding of > 3 kids so your views are bias. Therefore you try to make everyone think your way is the right way. Not really a balanced view is it.

My friends are not “poor quality” they are all excellent people having recovered from poor upbringing by parents who had more kids than they could manage.

My 4th was unplanned. There's big gaps between my kids (ages 19, 12, 7 and 6 months) I love having 4 kids but I am EXHAUSTED. I could be menopausal too as I'm 43 but how do I know it's not because I'm breastfeeding a hungry baby?

I have 5 including twins. Once I had the 5th I knew I was done 100 percent. Before that I always got broody and wanting more DC. I always wanted a big family and loved every minute. My kids are everything to me. I do also have a career so am very busy with that now they're nearly all grown up. I was a SAHM when they were all little. Happy chaos! Follow your heart and gut!

If you want to and you can afford it, you should.

But this kind of contradicts what you said in your opening post about feeling stretched thin already with 3?

Your children are still young so you’ve not experienced the next stages yet and it’s how realistic you are being about work and time with the three of them (or four of them!) Both my children do a number of activities, have a few close friends they like to go on play sleepovers with. We spend a lot of time dropping off/picking up, having their friends around. When they’ve got a hard piece of homework I like to take my time to help them. If they’re finding something hard at school then I like to do extra studying with them to help them learn it. All that extra input, working full time, cooking/cleaning and getting out at the weekends doesn’t leave much time for anything else!

You said you don’t see how anyone with 1 or 2 children could find it hard and I’m intrigued to hear about your set up? What are your working hours like? Input with your children?

Sorry - finding 3 quite a lot re mental energy, activities etc!

This isn’t meant as meanly as it comes over in print!

From your post, your only reason for wanting 4th seems selfish - it’s about how you will feel at some point in the future. That’s not a basis for having another child. Who knows - you might then feel you need a 5th!

As pps say, you’ll find yourself busy enough with 3. Mine are in their early 30s and I still find myself more involved than I’d like to be (and far more than I expected to be) at that age.

The birth rate has dropped to its lowest rate since the '30s. The government are actually trying get people to have more dc.

Oh for the love of god, why are people not understand that overpopulation isn't a national issue?

That’s not true, look at countries like Japan, South Korea and Italy who are dealing with an under and ageing population.
The world is not uniformly overpopulated, but certain regions are experiencing unsustainable population pressures, while others are facing population decline. Globally, the bigger issue may be overconsumption and unequal distribution rather than sheer numbers alone.

but back in the UK your argument for overpopulation does not fit. I personally see it in my child’s school with a reduced classes due to low birth rates to the point they have to join years.

There is so much stupidity here, I don't know where to start.

Yea go on then… provide some true facts and figures for a start….

DH is the eldest of 4. There is a running joke that no.4 was forgotten about. All the time. Because by the time he was primary age, the older ones were secondary/ teenagers and needed so much more.time and energy than my in laws had foreseen. No.4 didn't even finish A levels, whereas No.1 had been taken to university tours, tutoring etc. The youngest was just left to his own devices.

So this could be a symptom of big age gaps. If they are close this may not be a problem…

The age gaps are 2-3 years each, but by the time the 4th is born, the eldest is 11 so you can see how this happens. It's actually the fact that they were all relatively close in age that meant it was all too much. My in laws are good people and good parents but the difference between the attention the eldest got versus the youngest is stark.

The maths don’t add up there though… an 11 year age gap from youngest to eldest is big. A close age gap can be for all kids under 5 or 6 with under 2 years age gap. It would be hard work initially in baby/ toddler years
specifically but I think a big difference in avoiding the problem you have mentioned with your DH.

I would say stick at 3. I have 3 - 10, 9, 7. They have got harder work as they've got older. No naps, more demanding of my time and focus, more clubs, more play dates. I was desperate for 4 right up to when my youngest turned 5. Now I'm so glad we didn't. I couldn't imagine a baby or toddler in our lives and for me, that feeling of wanting a 4th did go away.

I have 3 and honestly it’s much harder now they’re at school. Clubs at different times, different homework and school activities. All these need arranged after school .

I also find parenting much harder as they get older and have friendship issue and the pre teen hormones! Oh my. Those hit hard.

I am not sure this is applicable to all 4 children families. I’m youngest of 4 and didn’t feel forgotten about or left behind. 10 years between me and the eldest. We have all been to uni, all have good jobs, own our own houses etc. My mum was a single parent as well although we did see our dad a lot!